The recovering Pharisee's creed
Or, for those of you who don't speak Christianees
The recovering Judgmental Self-Righteous Person's creed
There's no real way to shorten that.
When I speak of sin, I will no longer talk of it as something in my distant past. When I speak of forgiveness, I will not speak of it as something I received years ago when I became a Christian. I will speak of the sin and forgiveness I experienced today - that I am experiencing right now - that enable me to be human and real and truthful with who I am and who I am becoming. And when conversation turns to talk of sinners, I will realize that the conversation is really about me. I will always know that I am the worst of sinners. I put Jesus on the cross; my sin nailed him there. And if I ever catch myself thinking that there exists, somewhere in the world, a worse sinner than I, regardless of the gravity of the crime, it is at that point that I have stepped over the pharisaical line and am speaking about something of which I know nothing. When it comes to sin, I can only speak of myself with absolute certainty, and in regard to myself and sin, I am certain of this: that I am an expert in both my sin and my forgiveness. One brings me sorrow; the other brings me great joy. The remarkable thing is not that I sin, but that, in spite of my sin, I am capable of having fellowship with God and being used by him for his purposes in the world.
"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!" 1 Corinthians 10:12
Taken from;
12 Steps for the Recovering Pharisee (like me)
Finding Grace to Live Unmasked
by John Fischer
pp101-102
26.10.10
19.10.10
I'm feeling stressed about finding a job; how to go about it; am I working hard enough at it; which direction to go; what is the best plan of action; public or private; coaching or not; and worst of all I feel so much guilt.
I don't get it. I have so much guilt about this whole process. I feel guilty for having gone to school and then not finding a job immediately. I feel guilt for seeking work and still not finding any; I mean am I looking hard enough? I feel like I've abandoned my own beliefs and principles by seeking work in the private and independent sector (I never believed in sending my own kids to private or Christian schools, but that's the only place I can find any work. Not only that - I like the environment at these schools. My whole mind-set has been changed in the past year). Not being able to get hired in the school district in which I graduated makes me feel guilty for some odd reason. I feel like a complete joke because I can not break down the public sector brick wall. And this one really gets to me; I feel guilty for using contacts, dropping names, and saying I'll do things like coaching when I don't even know if I want to or can for that matter. I would love to coach... but I feel guilty that I would love to coach. I feel like this whole thing is just one huge ego trip and I'm going to go no where with it because God is not into my ego.
I've said it. This is my biggest fear and doubt about the journey I've been on for the past two and a half years. I was convinced to pursue my certification was the right thing; I was sure that the LORD was putting me on the path ahead. I can still see what God was doing and recall all the confirmations during my year at school. I can see that the Lord has been our provider; Jehovah Jireh. However, the price I've had to pay has been huge; my whole family has had to pay a price. On my good days I feel confident that God was and is at work in it all and that my family and my marriage show the benefits of the road that we are still on. On an average day I'm frustrated and tired of the continual uncertainty. On a bad day, I fall to the ground in despair and feel that I have been duped by my own arrogance that I could change my situation and pursue a career. It seems as if it is all hubris.
I wanted to get a job and just be anonymous; just be another teacher on the list. I really did. If you know me, this may surprise you. I really don't want the pressure of my reputation from days of old glory or thoughts of who my father was as a teacher or even current notions of my supposed ability to teach. I don't want to have to live up to some legend of who someone has turned me into just so I could get on the coveted teacher-on-call list. I wanted to show up for work without any pressure to be something. What I mean is, I didn't want administrators and other teachers expecting something special because I was on the scene. Now it seems that the only way to get a job is to somehow put out there that I bring something that no one else can; that I can take on that basketball team and make it something no one ever imagined; that I can re-vamp the way Social Studies is taught and change the failure rate among grade ten students; I will bring best practice back to Physical Education; I will help the student who is being left behind because I have that special blend of 'cool' and authority wrapped into one; I am the teenage whisperer.
Whatever.
I just wanted a job I was trained to do, a job that I would enjoy, that had decent hours that fit my still growing family, to get paid a good wage, have access to a benefits package and begin putting in my time for a pension. Yet for some reason I feel as if I'm seeking the glory. The glory of what? I'm just teaching high school Gym and Social Studies. Everybody hates those classes.
It was simply too much to expect. Today is a bad day in the midst of a busy six day work streak that will end abruptly and not be picked up again for possibly a month. I don't want to spend another year being on call. It is mind numbing work that makes you not want to teach. It does have it's bright moments. I should stop complaining.
I am currently being told by two districts that interviews for teacher-on-call positions are imminent and that they are mere formalities to being hired. But have no interview date and have not heard from either district in more than a week. In my job search, I am learning that this is part of the dance. They promise, they talk, and then they drop the ball. I pester and pester and pester some more; and a year has gone by.
I usually end these posts with some words of wisdom from the good Book. I don't feel like it... I'm not at peace nor do I feel that my venting has produced any greater understanding or acceptance of my situation. Yet, here I go; this one was in a card from a friend and it may as well be what I end with.
"May the Lord... give you His peace no matter what happens." 2 Thessalonians 3:16 NLT
(I didn't use the ESV because this translation is exactly how I would say it.)
The above verse is a little more comforting as it asks that God's peace be given to you irregardless of what else happens. It's a softer sentiment than;
"May the LORD do what seems good to him." 2 Samuel 10:12
Whether you gain peace from that or not I suppose doesn't matter. I really am not in a good mood.
I don't get it. I have so much guilt about this whole process. I feel guilty for having gone to school and then not finding a job immediately. I feel guilt for seeking work and still not finding any; I mean am I looking hard enough? I feel like I've abandoned my own beliefs and principles by seeking work in the private and independent sector (I never believed in sending my own kids to private or Christian schools, but that's the only place I can find any work. Not only that - I like the environment at these schools. My whole mind-set has been changed in the past year). Not being able to get hired in the school district in which I graduated makes me feel guilty for some odd reason. I feel like a complete joke because I can not break down the public sector brick wall. And this one really gets to me; I feel guilty for using contacts, dropping names, and saying I'll do things like coaching when I don't even know if I want to or can for that matter. I would love to coach... but I feel guilty that I would love to coach. I feel like this whole thing is just one huge ego trip and I'm going to go no where with it because God is not into my ego.
I've said it. This is my biggest fear and doubt about the journey I've been on for the past two and a half years. I was convinced to pursue my certification was the right thing; I was sure that the LORD was putting me on the path ahead. I can still see what God was doing and recall all the confirmations during my year at school. I can see that the Lord has been our provider; Jehovah Jireh. However, the price I've had to pay has been huge; my whole family has had to pay a price. On my good days I feel confident that God was and is at work in it all and that my family and my marriage show the benefits of the road that we are still on. On an average day I'm frustrated and tired of the continual uncertainty. On a bad day, I fall to the ground in despair and feel that I have been duped by my own arrogance that I could change my situation and pursue a career. It seems as if it is all hubris.
I wanted to get a job and just be anonymous; just be another teacher on the list. I really did. If you know me, this may surprise you. I really don't want the pressure of my reputation from days of old glory or thoughts of who my father was as a teacher or even current notions of my supposed ability to teach. I don't want to have to live up to some legend of who someone has turned me into just so I could get on the coveted teacher-on-call list. I wanted to show up for work without any pressure to be something. What I mean is, I didn't want administrators and other teachers expecting something special because I was on the scene. Now it seems that the only way to get a job is to somehow put out there that I bring something that no one else can; that I can take on that basketball team and make it something no one ever imagined; that I can re-vamp the way Social Studies is taught and change the failure rate among grade ten students; I will bring best practice back to Physical Education; I will help the student who is being left behind because I have that special blend of 'cool' and authority wrapped into one; I am the teenage whisperer.
Whatever.
I just wanted a job I was trained to do, a job that I would enjoy, that had decent hours that fit my still growing family, to get paid a good wage, have access to a benefits package and begin putting in my time for a pension. Yet for some reason I feel as if I'm seeking the glory. The glory of what? I'm just teaching high school Gym and Social Studies. Everybody hates those classes.
It was simply too much to expect. Today is a bad day in the midst of a busy six day work streak that will end abruptly and not be picked up again for possibly a month. I don't want to spend another year being on call. It is mind numbing work that makes you not want to teach. It does have it's bright moments. I should stop complaining.
I am currently being told by two districts that interviews for teacher-on-call positions are imminent and that they are mere formalities to being hired. But have no interview date and have not heard from either district in more than a week. In my job search, I am learning that this is part of the dance. They promise, they talk, and then they drop the ball. I pester and pester and pester some more; and a year has gone by.
I usually end these posts with some words of wisdom from the good Book. I don't feel like it... I'm not at peace nor do I feel that my venting has produced any greater understanding or acceptance of my situation. Yet, here I go; this one was in a card from a friend and it may as well be what I end with.
"May the Lord... give you His peace no matter what happens." 2 Thessalonians 3:16 NLT
(I didn't use the ESV because this translation is exactly how I would say it.)
The above verse is a little more comforting as it asks that God's peace be given to you irregardless of what else happens. It's a softer sentiment than;
"May the LORD do what seems good to him." 2 Samuel 10:12
Whether you gain peace from that or not I suppose doesn't matter. I really am not in a good mood.
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