Christmas Break

It's been a very hectic few weeks. Shutting down all of school and getting ready for the break. Why do I think I need to get ready for a break!? That is ridiculous! I cleaned the house twice, bought supplies, filled the fridge and the cupboards, and did the laundry. I wanted to be able to relax. Adulting means that you can't just come home on Christmas Break and it's all done for you; you're the one who has to do it. Anyway, I've done it. To the best of my ability. And those who decide my house isn't up to snuff, well... fuck you. And don't go in my garage... that's a whole other story.

I brought my daughter home from college today. She lit up the house the moment we got home. It has been hard for me with two boys and no man for them to look up to, plus their sister who holds them together, gone away at school. It seemed as if we lost our way for a bit. I am thankful today for all three of  my children. It warmed my heart as I heard them in the kitchen talking and laughing together. A familiar sound and so glad that they have each other.

Tomorrow I pick up my man from the airport and he gets to have a taste of  my world. I'm so excited to have him here to meet all the important people in my life and most importantly, spend time with him. I just want to escape with him and leave this world behind... but I know that realistically, we both need to be in the muck and still find the passion and the excitement. I want that more than anything. I want he and I to face the messy stuff of life with prayer and a smile. We both know that these momentary troubles will pass. Another test that I'm not intentionally planning but is in motion none the less.

It feels so good to be walking in God's plan. His will fully being laid out for me.

Christmas Break is here and I am ready to settle in and enjoy.

One Word 2017

Peace ... from Warrior to Peace. I do not feel that my warrior phase is over. I still have battles to fight and one big one in particular. Like all the words I've chosen for the years in the past, they seem to define the journey that is ahead, not always in the present, but what I'm seeking to make happen for the future. Wow... did I just say that? What I'm seeking to make happen... that may very well be the problem with every word choice that I've ever made over the years. My motives are my own and not His.

James 4:13-17

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

I remember asking for peace, begging for peace in the past. I don't think I knew what that was supposed to look like. I often thought I had no peace; yet I had peace in the midst of difficulty, love in the midst of disdain and abuse, joy from within that I could not keep to myself, and hope, yes even hope when I was inwardly hopeless. Jesus' words are ringing true in my ears.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you: not as the world gives, give I to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

These things I have spoken to you, that in me you might have peace. In the world you shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. John 16:33

2017 must have that kind of peace. Peace that is a gift, a gift to me in the midst of struggle and hard work. Peace that turns into joy oozing out of my pores and bringing everyone around me along for the ride. The peace that Jesus brings to me I need to share with my children, my family, my friends, and my lover and his family. The peace that Jesus has promised me is confirmed by His Holy Spirit that gives me courage to face my fears. I do not need to be afraid since His plans are for my good. His overwhelming love envelopes my life.

My prayer is this; that the Lord would inform my plans and shape them, guiding my steps to go where He wants me to. Bring peace where there should be none, resolution that is humanly impossible, and wisdom to see when I am trying to take back the reigns. May I walk in the will of the most Holy, loving, one and only creator God. In Jesus name, amen.

I have compiled a list of some scriptures and it seems appropriate to list them; a list that can be added to throughout the year.

... do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also you are called in one body; and be you thankful. Colossians 3:15

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you: because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3

For he himself is our peace… Ephesians 2:14

Cleaning up

I have been in my garage lately; looking for photos, getting out Christmas decorations, and looking for winter gear. It has made me feel terrible going in there. My garage is full. There are five bikes, old luggage, boxed up photos, camping equipment, deck furniture, house decor, junk, old sports equipment, packaged up memories and a ton of car parts. I have to clean it up and get it out.

I feel like it is a reflection of the mess that I was supposed to have left behind three years ago. I want to reduce all my stuff and yet I have it boxed up and shoved into a garage. Why? Why am I hanging on to all of that stuff? Yes, when I go looking for something, I go in there and find it. But there is a whole bunch other stuff in there that I will never look for nor do I need. The boxes of memorabilia and photos aside, there is old junk in there that just has to go. A plan is formulating and I am going to finally be rid of it and rid of the past. This also means that I need to go through the memories and decide, how much of it is worth keeping?

All three of my children need to keep some of those memories and pictures of the past. There are reminders of their youth and of the happy times. Knowing that there was joy in the past and goodness within the mess is going to give them a foundation for building a better future. They have stuff in there that needs their attention, things that they need to decide whether they keep or let go. As the years move forward, my children are going to be leaving and starting lives of their own. My oldest should already be doing that, but he's stuck in limbo and all the stuff he has in the garage and in his room, is a reflection of how much that is true. That messy garage is as much an image of my muddled past as it is there's. We will get through all that mess and mud together and start the next chapter without carrying it around any longer.

The garage is slated to be emptied this spring and summer. The plan is now in the books. And when I plan something, it always happens.

Spiritual Relief

“Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;

  be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;

for you will forget the shame of your youth,

  and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.

5 For your Maker is your husband,

  the Lord of hosts is his name;

and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,

  the God of the whole earth he is called.

6 For the Lord has called you

  like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,

like a wife of youth when she is cast off,

  says your God.

7 For a brief moment I deserted you,

  but with great compassion I will gather you.

8 In overflowing anger for a moment

  I hid my face from you,

but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,”

  says the Lord, your Redeemer.

Isaiah 54:4-8

In my Bible this passage has dates beside it; 2010, 2014... and verse 6 is heavily underlined '... like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit...' I checked an older Bible of mine, and the dates go back even further 2001, 2004, and so on. I lived in a spiritual desert for more than twenty years. My Father in heaven was so dear to me, he kept me and grew me. I was given purposes in my children, in my work, in friendships, and in leadership. His compassion on me was that He did not leave me to walk through that desert alone; I was surrounded by the church and my family. Yet, the spiritual burden still felt heavy, it became my cross to bear. It felt as if I had to be a spiritual giant; even once my marriage ended, I have still carried this burden of spiritually leading and guiding my family. It's not been easy and I honestly never wanted the job all alone. I work so much better in tandem with someone else. I was never meant to be alone in leadership. Even in my work and coaching life, I have done so much better with strong, wise, willing partners who support me, whom I support; and we carry the load and work together.

God made me to be an encouraging partner that will work along side and lift up strong leaders who recognize they need a solid supporter. I don't come across that way I guess. I'm too strong maybe or too opinionated; but I will follow and support you when you prove to be someone of substance and character. I will follow someone who recognizes my wisdom and gifts; someone who puts me in their place and trusts I'll do it well when they can't; someone who listens to what I say, seeks my perspective, and allows me to be in charge of what they are not as capable of doing as well as myself. I want to do the same thing for others. I have worked with, taught with, coached with, and been friends with people that have been that in my life. It was always like an oasis of beauty; of how it can be when mutual respect is given.

Seeking a new partner in life, a new husband, has included that I need someone with whom I can trust, someone who I can follow and walk beside without fear. I am overwhelmed with the gift of God in the man that He has given to me. I'm not sure I can describe the spiritual relief that is starting to rise in my soul. My cross to bear... I think I can lay it down. I never imagined that I would be able to lay it down until I was with Jesus in paradise. I have tested him... yeah, I have. I have found ways to see if he relies on Jesus or if it's just words. I have heard his testimony, his ideas about spiritual issues, his struggles with his own past marital desert; I have pushed on topics and he's responded with scripture and gentle wisdom. He has pointed me back to prayer, God's word, the power of the Holy Spirit, and involvement in my church. He has sought my perspective and listened to my thoughts, considering what I say. He has prayed with me... prayers that are full of what God would have him say. His words are often soaked in scripture. He leads his children. He makes all decisions with prayer and sleep... which I think is pretty important; don't be too hasty - like I tend to be. He has calmed me with his trust in God's plan when I express doubt or fear. I have tested him... even when I didn't intend to.

This morning I called because I was frustrated with myself. I miss him and had a restless night, waking up repeatedly longing for him to be here. I had little to say in my own prayers for some semblance of self control and peace. Then Jesus said, 'call him to help you'. I did and I prayed, but it was short as I had no words; my emotions were taking over and I could hardly keep from crying. So, when my weak prayer ended, I asked him to pray for me. It was amazing. I couldn't have prayed for myself the way he prayed and lifted me up, lifted us both up. He is my partner. He is the relief in a spiritual desert; the oasis from God until I am home.

Thank you Jesus!

Thank you...