Frustrated

A stupid dumb day has got me realizing that I need to unload a whole bunch of thoughts and frustrations through my writing. I am full up of struggle, ideas, loss, worry, fear, joy, and humour. None of it has hit my blog in a while. I've started to censor myself; thinking my writing is complaining, or that I should just pray, or that maybe I should talk with my man before I plaster it all up on the blog, and then I don't talk to him about it cause that would be a downer... plus I've been too busy to waste time writing. Then again, I haven't been to busy to waste time watching Netflix and surfing around on FB and Instagram. Priorities .... lol

I woke up from a restless night. My sleep was interrupted a couple of times by my boys playing video games; it was a 16th birthday night of gaming. I had to shut that down before I could pass out. I woke up ready to get everyone to church; but as per usual, no one was getting up and ready but me. When the youngest monster finally decided to get up and shower, it was already time to get in the car and drive. So once again, I go to church looking like the bad mother who can't keep her house in order because I don't bring the children for spiritual instruction. I'm grumpy going to church... not a great way to start the morning. I never really go into worship. My mind fixed on missing my partner, my friend, my lover... I wished for him to sit next to me and hold my hand. The sadness of it swept over me and I started crying. Sitting there in my chair, at church, crying because I was alone. No kids, no friend next to me, no lover of my life, just me. I have sat in church alone a lot and never felt like I did today. I am just not having a good morning. After the sermon I went for prayer and felt lifted up and decided to take a drive. I'm out of my shea butter; which if you know anything about me, that is a large problem. That stuff is my magic elixir, it keeps my skin hydrated, my face nearly wrinkle free, my lips soft, and my feet feeling happy. I couldn't believe it when I realized I was actually on empty. So, I decided to drive out to the African market to get some more. After driving the 15km, I get there and they're closed. Not open on Sunday. I didn't even think to phone ahead to see if they would be open. No one is closed on Sunday in the city. Good grief. I decided to head home and stop to get an ink cartridge for my printer on the way. I called the house to make sure I remembered the cartridge type and number, and then proceeded to make my purchase. Once I got home, I ripped open the package only to discover that I had gotten the colour ink and not the black ink. After swearing a few times, I burst into tears. My son came down and sat with me on the couch, rubbing my back. He's a good boy. I was a bit of a mess. A stupid dumb day. Time to go for a walk. There is a massive rant formulating inside of me and I'm afraid that the next person who gets in my way is going to get blasted and they won't know what hit them. My brain has become overwhelmed with the amount of crap that I haven't vocalized or written. Hopefully I won't find a reason to rant while at my parents for dinner tonight. Just keep it together!

I'm so frustrated with my job. I am able to do my work and love on my students and even find joy in the successes and struggles, but then I have to talk to my boss. We just completed an administration evaluation and it was nerve wracking for the whole staff. We have no idea if this outside eval will have any impact or what the board is going to do with the information that they get. However, it ended up being a very satisfying exercise for me. I felt heard and supported; and I was even given some resources to deal the issues in front of me in my current position. I am now applying for a job elsewhere. I've been talking about it for a year and I need to get off my ass and see if I can change my situation. Finding all the documents required and printing out applications, is a pile of paper work that's being added to all the planning, prep, and report writing that I'm already doing. I feel like this process is causing me to think I'm less capable at what I do... I'm not sure why, maybe that's just me.

I am in a bad place financially right now. I am not where I thought I would be three years ago. I had thought I could stop the bleeding, but it just never seems to be enough. Bottom line, expenses don't match my income. There are plenty of things I could blame this on; lack of support from my ex-husband, grown children that don't financially support themselves, high cost of living where I live, legal fees, and plain old over spending. I will have two adult children living with me as of April. One of them has been inconsistent in his ability to pay to live with me. The second one will be coming home and will have student loan debt to start paying off. She will need to find work, save for school, and still help me out by paying rent. Having adult children live at home with you is expensive and challenging in more ways than I can even explain. People want to judge me for not kicking them out, not charging enough in rent, and allowing them to live their life the way they want under my roof. All I can say is, I'm doing my best. I'm trying to help them, and push them, and love them, and hold them accountable, and grow them up; it just doesn't always work the way I had planned. And it doesn't look pretty; I make mistakes and so do they. I wish it didn't cost so much money to help them embrace adulthood. I'm very overwhelmed by it at times and I judge myself too harshly for how its going. I'm so thankful that I have friends and family that support me and show me some grace on this. But it is very clear that something's gotta give. Financially I am spent. My kids are going to have to step up and grow up. And now, I have to talk about my debt with the man I love. I have to reveal that I have not been able to manage my limited funds very well. I'm so embarrassed. This will be one big red flag and could be a reason to not marry me.

Sometimes I actually literally hate that I love someone who lives so far away. It sucks that I am here and he isn't. And I don't even want him here, I want to be there. I want to get out of here so bad and knowing that he has a place for me makes me want to pack up and never return. I spend so much energy trying to include this phantom man into my life so that it doesn't feel like it's all just imaginary. We talk twice a day, send pics and videos, talk on video, send messages throughout the day, and we even have a daily routine of prayer together. But I'm so frustrated at times that it makes me sad and grouchy. Most days I'm fine, busy with my job, kids, church, friends and all the other activities that are right in front of me. But then it feels empty when I watch a movie by myself or take a walk alone. These are all things that I am capable of doing alone and happy to do alone. Even spending time with family and friends, I'm reminded when I see a couple hold hands that he's not here. Because I want to share my life with him, there is a piece of me that is sad. I have always dealt with sadness by getting angry. I know that sounds strange. Anger gives me energy to deal with it somehow or plow through it or turn it into something else. I know that this isn't healthy. It actually physically drains me. Here's the thing... I love him. I've never been more sure, more secure, more ready, and more happy in my life. I am accepted, loved - cherished even - and given freedom. I don't blindly love him either; I see him and he lets me in to his life and heart more and more all the time. I am waiting because as a good mom, I'm staying here for my son, so he can graduate from high school. I often wonder how different his journey into adulthood is going to look compared to his siblings if I leave once he's out of high school. It seems that the reasons for not being together are all wrapped up in my shit.

I am drained and sad. But I know that I will rise out of this, I can do it.
But I will say, I haven't done a very good job of cheering myself up. Good grief... it sucks to be me right now.

I have been watching Youth Alpha with the students on my Spirit Team at school. This past week we looked at the video on prayer. It was excellent. The leaders use an analogy that really stuck with me. There is a boy playing in a sand box. He's digging and digging, when he hits a rock. So, he decides to dig the rock out of the sand, but it turns out it's pretty big. Once he's uncovered the whole rock he tries to lift it out of the sand box but can't do it. His father is watching him from the window and sees how frustrated the boy is with trying to remove the rock from his sand box. The boys father comes outside and the boy turns to him upset and says "I can't get it out of the sandbox. I'm not strong enough." The father looks intently at his son and says "Why didn't you use all your strength to move it out?" The boy goes on to explain all that he'd been doing to get it out, all his efforts, and everything that he tried. The father then looks at him again and says, "You didn't use all your strength, you didn't ask me for help." The lesson was that this is what prayer is about. When I think about the difficulties in my life; job, legal battles, parenting, money, missing my man... I need to remember to ask for help. It's not a reflection of my weakness to seek the assistance of the maker of the universe. That Jesus actually loves me and cares for all those things that I am struggling with, is wonderful. Jesus loves me so much, he'd remove all the rocks from my sandbox, or he'd send people to help me do it, or he'd show me how to use the sandbox with the rock in it.

I trust his heart and his intentions; I trust him completely, I'm listening intently; he's guided me through so many shadows.

Lord, will you help me move this rock? Please don't leave it here anymore. It's really in the way.

Forward Free

Moving forward is an interesting journey. I move far ahead from where I once was and then, find myself confused by steps that take me back to a place that I have no reason spending time in. If someone had told me a decade ago that I would be in the place I am in now, I would have been relieved to know that I would be able to get out and get beyond my abusive marriage. The weird dichotomy is that if you'd told me twenty years ago that I'd be once again unmarried and looking toward a new future, I would have said you were nuts. Twenty years ago I was facing a future that I thought I could handle, planning for more children, finishing school, and buying my first house. Ten years ago I was in a state of panic and stress, trying to find ways to survive my marriage that was literally killing me emotionally. And now... I'm nearly free. A place that at times feels so unfamiliar; a place that I don't always believe is real, and I keep thinking it's all going to melt away. I'm so thankful that I have hope that is renewed every morning whenever I feel like I'm just in a temporarily 'nice' place that I have to leave soon.

I can see clearly now that this stage of relative and controlled chaos is nearly over. There is so much that has been happening, both amazing and difficult, I haven't had time to process it all through my writing. I am set to finish a battle that has taken far to long and will finally end the legal struggle over money and parenting with my ex-husband. I feel confident that I am walking the direction God has planned. I don't know why it has taken this long for this to be settled, even though I've made some guesses; but I am more than ready for the blessing that will come with the resolution that is ahead next week. It is God's outcome, not mine or my ex's, but my Heavenly Father's who loves me unconditionally; I have nothing to fear from man.

I have the blessing of a man in my life who follows hard after Jesus, walking with me through this turning point, and promising to walk the rest of my life's journey by my side. We are creating a relationship built on unconditional love, communication, prayer, common interests, faith, and intense physical, spiritual, and emotional connection. It's absolutely amazing and I've never experienced anything like this before! I love him, and I'm in love with him, and I want everyone to know, and I can't wait to start the rest of my life with him! Yeah... urgh... the difficulty is, we have to wait. I'm here with a child that doesn't graduate for three years; he's in Arizona with a child that doesn't graduate for five years. He's in Arizona, I'm in BC, I only see him about once a month; and my divorce won't be finalized until next week. So, we wait, and continue to build a strong relationship. Amazing and difficult all at the same time.

I have a vision of the future that is so great, I can hardly believe that it's mine. There are times when my emotions are all mixed up. I'm crying and upset, full of anxiety because I just want to be there now. Then the next day, I'm elated because of the plans we're making and the progress of my life and my relationship. I feel sick and panicked when suddenly it seems that it could all be taken from me. I'm often overwhelmed by the physical desire that washes over me and I can't satiate. I'm impatient with the speed of it all. Why do I have to wait!? Why can't I have it now!? I trust Jesus and His intentions, but I'm also frustrated. His timing and His way... I'm reminded that God likes to tell long stories.

This long story's first book is almost over, with a very exciting lead in to the next book in the series. Stay tuned!