Forward Free

Moving forward is an interesting journey. I move far ahead from where I once was and then, find myself confused by steps that take me back to a place that I have no reason spending time in. If someone had told me a decade ago that I would be in the place I am in now, I would have been relieved to know that I would be able to get out and get beyond my abusive marriage. The weird dichotomy is that if you'd told me twenty years ago that I'd be once again unmarried and looking toward a new future, I would have said you were nuts. Twenty years ago I was facing a future that I thought I could handle, planning for more children, finishing school, and buying my first house. Ten years ago I was in a state of panic and stress, trying to find ways to survive my marriage that was literally killing me emotionally. And now... I'm nearly free. A place that at times feels so unfamiliar; a place that I don't always believe is real, and I keep thinking it's all going to melt away. I'm so thankful that I have hope that is renewed every morning whenever I feel like I'm just in a temporarily 'nice' place that I have to leave soon.

I can see clearly now that this stage of relative and controlled chaos is nearly over. There is so much that has been happening, both amazing and difficult, I haven't had time to process it all through my writing. I am set to finish a battle that has taken far to long and will finally end the legal struggle over money and parenting with my ex-husband. I feel confident that I am walking the direction God has planned. I don't know why it has taken this long for this to be settled, even though I've made some guesses; but I am more than ready for the blessing that will come with the resolution that is ahead next week. It is God's outcome, not mine or my ex's, but my Heavenly Father's who loves me unconditionally; I have nothing to fear from man.

I have the blessing of a man in my life who follows hard after Jesus, walking with me through this turning point, and promising to walk the rest of my life's journey by my side. We are creating a relationship built on unconditional love, communication, prayer, common interests, faith, and intense physical, spiritual, and emotional connection. It's absolutely amazing and I've never experienced anything like this before! I love him, and I'm in love with him, and I want everyone to know, and I can't wait to start the rest of my life with him! Yeah... urgh... the difficulty is, we have to wait. I'm here with a child that doesn't graduate for three years; he's in Arizona with a child that doesn't graduate for five years. He's in Arizona, I'm in BC, I only see him about once a month; and my divorce won't be finalized until next week. So, we wait, and continue to build a strong relationship. Amazing and difficult all at the same time.

I have a vision of the future that is so great, I can hardly believe that it's mine. There are times when my emotions are all mixed up. I'm crying and upset, full of anxiety because I just want to be there now. Then the next day, I'm elated because of the plans we're making and the progress of my life and my relationship. I feel sick and panicked when suddenly it seems that it could all be taken from me. I'm often overwhelmed by the physical desire that washes over me and I can't satiate. I'm impatient with the speed of it all. Why do I have to wait!? Why can't I have it now!? I trust Jesus and His intentions, but I'm also frustrated. His timing and His way... I'm reminded that God likes to tell long stories.

This long story's first book is almost over, with a very exciting lead in to the next book in the series. Stay tuned!