Hope. The single most influential element in achieving happiness.
Hope. The primary force that drives human beings from hour to hour.
Ted Dekker

I have been trying to put into words what hope means to me for four days already. I just can't do it. It may be because I am currently very close to hopelessness. Or maybe I'm just tired. In an effort to get something up so that I stop obsessing about getting this up; I'm going to post the verses that make me think about the hope to which I am called that is unlike any other hope we experience as human beings.

For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, ¹⁶I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, ¹⁷that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, ¹⁸ having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, ¹⁹and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might ²⁰that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, ²¹ far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. ²²And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, ²³ which is his body, the fullness of him who fill all in all.
Ephesians 1:15-23

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. ²Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. ³More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:1-5

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, ⁵who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, ⁷so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, ⁹obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
1 Peter 1:3-9

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. ¹⁹For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. ²⁰For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope ²¹that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. ²²For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. ²³And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. ²⁴For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? ²⁵But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
Romans 8:18-25

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Romans 15:13

My hope is in what is to come. That has become oddly liberating. Knowing that I won't find true satisfaction or happiness in what is here and now actually allows me to find my way back to joy. I am not disappointed by the fleeting pleasure that good sex, great wine, an incredible hike, bike ride or walk give to me. I am happy that I know they are just a foretaste, an appetizer, of the future pleasures of my life to come in the presence of Jesus. I will admit, that I often look upon the verses above and can not find the joy in that hope. I read Peter telling me to rejoice because for a little while, 'if necessary', I am grieved by trials. If necessary, really is it? When in the midst of hardship and pain, both physical and mental, a little while seems too long and we wonder if there is any necessity in it at all. Then I read Paul talking about a progression, at literal step by step transformation that not only produces hope but makes us more like Christ. And that step by step begins with - you guessed it - suffering. This hope - a hope for eternal life with Christ - is a result of righteousness by faith. Let's say that more plainly; my hope in heaven is given to me as a gift, a good deposit (2 Tim. 1:14), that will carry me to eternity.

It is hope that is keeping me from discouragement. It is hope that is showing me that change is possible and it is real. It is hope that infusing the restoration of relationship in my life. It is hope that is infusing the plans God is giving me to teach the Word again this coming spring. Hope that our physical bodies and our spirits will one day be raised and not lost (John 6) when we are made new at the resurrection.

There are heavenly bodies and earthly bodies, but the glory of the heavenly is of one kind, and the glory of the earthly is of another. ⁴¹There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars; for star differs from star in glory.

⁴² So is it with the resurrection of the dead. What is sown is perishable; what is raised is imperishable. ⁴³It is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness; it is raised in power. ⁴⁴It is sown a natural body; it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. ⁴⁵Thus it is written, "The first man Adam became a living being"; the last Adam became a life-giving spirit. ⁴⁶But it is not the spiritual that is first but the natural, and then the spiritual. ⁴⁷ The first man was from the earth, a man of dust; the second man is from heaven. ⁴⁸As was the man of dust, so also are those who are of the dust, and as is the man of heaven, so also are those who are of heaven. ⁴⁹Just as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we shall also bear the image of the man of heaven.

1 Corinthians 15:40-49

Such a great hope I have! I am thankful that my eyes have been opened by the Father himself, to see that which makes little sense to those that still lack the Holy Spirit's mighty power (1 Corinthians 2:14). I pray that all will see and find this hope.

Well, I think I got it all out... finally.

So, I painted my daughters bedroom; and despite the knowledge that it is futile meaningless work and just paint on a wall - I feel satisfied and ready to paint some more.

Alone in the house with my paint, I listened to an entire series on "Joy" by my friend R.C. Sproul. Yes, I said he is my friend. I imagine that one day he will be, as we sit in eternity discussing such things as the fruit of the spirit and philosophy. I have many of those kinds of friends; that only eternity will reveal. It is part of my hope of heaven; knowing that I have friends yet to meet and enjoy once this life roles into the next.

I have a bathroom and master bedroom to paint now. I can't lose the momentum. I'll listen to some Ravi or Piper or MacArthur or maybe go back to Sproul. Hopefully I'll be smarter, wiser, and closer to Jesus as well as have a couple of nicer looking rooms.

December rolled around and I had been working a fair bit, being on call was seemingly not so bad; I had actually made some money. As the last week of school came around, and I still hadn't been called in, I realized that there wasn't going to be a paycheck that month. I was somewhat numb; but it was Christmas and I had decided to get into the spirit. I set-up every last decoration that I had stored away and I even spent a day making cookies. I finished all my shopping early and made sure to go to some key enjoyable Christmas events to soak up the joy of this time of year. Advent went pretty well; our focus this year was on the gifts the wise men brought and their significance. It was a great learning time to see how Jesus was sent as a baby for the soul purpose of dying for us. We changed things up this year and upset the apple cart some what. Our extended family celebration was moved from Christmas Eve to the 27th. Mom and Dad were not overly enthused and the kids were apprehensive about it too; but in the end, it all was actually better than anyone expected.

Behind all this great stuff, I was still covering the deep anxiety and numbness within me. I have no job. This thought, this fact, continues to rattle around in my brain. I loath the days. I wait for the phone call and none comes. I have not worked since November 18, 2009. I am asking to be hired and seeking employment from people that continue to tell me that they have nothing for me. I'm knocking on an immovable door. I am now going to continue to do that at each school district in my area. It is becoming demoralizing and I find myself unable at times to accomplish anything at all within a day.

I go for walks often and for long periods of time. I spend time looking at Facebook pages, I read and I read and I read. Scripture seems to pierce me with truth; but my lethargic heart does not do anything with it. I listen to sermon after sermon on podcast trying to fill my mind with wisdom and knowledge. I sit and watch television with a glass of wine as many nights will allow. I know better, yet I am behaving badly for lack of direction. I do not know what to do. I am restless and fidgety within. I am trying to find mundane things to do like paint my bathroom because the passion for what I want to do - teach - is not given any venue to express itself.

Frustration has set in. I will paint my bathroom, my bedroom and my daughters room because I have nothing better to do. There is nothing wrong with painting; it will actually make my daughter happy and I think my husband will think I am accomplishing something. I will continue to make dinner, do laundry, and clean up around the house. I will sort out my office, the tax papers, clean out my closet, and start to touch up the paint in the rest of the house. These things used to give me a sense of satisfaction but I can't seem to find any use for them. They are temporal futile uses of my time that will not last or have any meaning. It's just paint, clean clothes, food, and busy work. When this is all there is, I feel as if they don't matter.

My kids do matter. I am still doing all that mothering requires; driving to and from, maintaining their schedules, discipline at every turn, the occasional heart to heart, and all of the stuff in between that has more meaning than I know. This is a good thing; this is not temporal stuff. The lives that are developing in my home are worth more than the paint on my walls. Yet, I am learning that I am not a good mother. I have made huge mistakes and most of the bad patterns that my kids have in reaction to me are my own fault. At this time in my life I am watching in amazement at my husband and his ability to deal with all of their attacks. Let me tell you, the kids in this house are on the revolt. I am not letting them negotiate; I am taking them at their word and expecting them to take mine. It has turned everyone upside down. The line is drawn and they keep expecting me to erase it. They've never had so many natural consequences. Although I know this is good for them and for me, it is exhausting and I often can hardly stand it. I have been known, as of late, to lock myself in my room until my husband gets home because I do not have the strength to stand firm on one more thing. Boy, it would be so much easier to have just ignored them until they grew up and left the house. That is what so many of us do. I know I've been guilty of it. I'm not cut out for this mothering job; but God gave me these kids, I wanted these kids, and I will be forever changed because of it.

Finishing my certification was supposed to be my ticket to security. Just as I typed that out, I realize that my security was never going to be found there. I am secure in Christ. I took my family on that journey last year - kicking and screaming. I just wanted there to be a reward, a confirmation that I had heard God tell me to go. I knew it all the way through, but it is fleeting now. My husband had even begun to believe that it was his ticket to a new future; a chance for him to start fresh. We are in this holding pattern. Unable to see what is ahead or even what way we should go. God is silent. Ideas, plans, entire curriculum's come into my mind; I pray about them, I muse over them, I plan them out, I dream about them - and God says 'ask your husband what he thinks.' What he thinks is never what I want it to be. I'm sure that goes both ways.

I had been looking for an escape. I wanted to go on a mission trip to Mexico, but God was not calling me to go and my husband didn't think so either. I could have easily ignored God if He had not told me to ask my husband. Now, I am looking for something to do. This is clouding my ability to discern whether I'm just bored and trying to give my brain something to focus on, or if God wants me to start something.

Jesus said; "My Father is working until now, and I am working." John 5:17 Good to know; better to believe it; and peace is found in trusting it.

So, here I am. Knowing, believing, and trusting. My mind whirling from all that it is thinking - and not doing - and my bank account starving from lack of deposits. It's a good thing I'm going to Seattle for the weekend. I think I'll leave my life at home.