December rolled around and I had been working a fair bit, being on call was seemingly not so bad; I had actually made some money. As the last week of school came around, and I still hadn't been called in, I realized that there wasn't going to be a paycheck that month. I was somewhat numb; but it was Christmas and I had decided to get into the spirit. I set-up every last decoration that I had stored away and I even spent a day making cookies. I finished all my shopping early and made sure to go to some key enjoyable Christmas events to soak up the joy of this time of year. Advent went pretty well; our focus this year was on the gifts the wise men brought and their significance. It was a great learning time to see how Jesus was sent as a baby for the soul purpose of dying for us. We changed things up this year and upset the apple cart some what. Our extended family celebration was moved from Christmas Eve to the 27th. Mom and Dad were not overly enthused and the kids were apprehensive about it too; but in the end, it all was actually better than anyone expected.

Behind all this great stuff, I was still covering the deep anxiety and numbness within me. I have no job. This thought, this fact, continues to rattle around in my brain. I loath the days. I wait for the phone call and none comes. I have not worked since November 18, 2009. I am asking to be hired and seeking employment from people that continue to tell me that they have nothing for me. I'm knocking on an immovable door. I am now going to continue to do that at each school district in my area. It is becoming demoralizing and I find myself unable at times to accomplish anything at all within a day.

I go for walks often and for long periods of time. I spend time looking at Facebook pages, I read and I read and I read. Scripture seems to pierce me with truth; but my lethargic heart does not do anything with it. I listen to sermon after sermon on podcast trying to fill my mind with wisdom and knowledge. I sit and watch television with a glass of wine as many nights will allow. I know better, yet I am behaving badly for lack of direction. I do not know what to do. I am restless and fidgety within. I am trying to find mundane things to do like paint my bathroom because the passion for what I want to do - teach - is not given any venue to express itself.

Frustration has set in. I will paint my bathroom, my bedroom and my daughters room because I have nothing better to do. There is nothing wrong with painting; it will actually make my daughter happy and I think my husband will think I am accomplishing something. I will continue to make dinner, do laundry, and clean up around the house. I will sort out my office, the tax papers, clean out my closet, and start to touch up the paint in the rest of the house. These things used to give me a sense of satisfaction but I can't seem to find any use for them. They are temporal futile uses of my time that will not last or have any meaning. It's just paint, clean clothes, food, and busy work. When this is all there is, I feel as if they don't matter.

My kids do matter. I am still doing all that mothering requires; driving to and from, maintaining their schedules, discipline at every turn, the occasional heart to heart, and all of the stuff in between that has more meaning than I know. This is a good thing; this is not temporal stuff. The lives that are developing in my home are worth more than the paint on my walls. Yet, I am learning that I am not a good mother. I have made huge mistakes and most of the bad patterns that my kids have in reaction to me are my own fault. At this time in my life I am watching in amazement at my husband and his ability to deal with all of their attacks. Let me tell you, the kids in this house are on the revolt. I am not letting them negotiate; I am taking them at their word and expecting them to take mine. It has turned everyone upside down. The line is drawn and they keep expecting me to erase it. They've never had so many natural consequences. Although I know this is good for them and for me, it is exhausting and I often can hardly stand it. I have been known, as of late, to lock myself in my room until my husband gets home because I do not have the strength to stand firm on one more thing. Boy, it would be so much easier to have just ignored them until they grew up and left the house. That is what so many of us do. I know I've been guilty of it. I'm not cut out for this mothering job; but God gave me these kids, I wanted these kids, and I will be forever changed because of it.

Finishing my certification was supposed to be my ticket to security. Just as I typed that out, I realize that my security was never going to be found there. I am secure in Christ. I took my family on that journey last year - kicking and screaming. I just wanted there to be a reward, a confirmation that I had heard God tell me to go. I knew it all the way through, but it is fleeting now. My husband had even begun to believe that it was his ticket to a new future; a chance for him to start fresh. We are in this holding pattern. Unable to see what is ahead or even what way we should go. God is silent. Ideas, plans, entire curriculum's come into my mind; I pray about them, I muse over them, I plan them out, I dream about them - and God says 'ask your husband what he thinks.' What he thinks is never what I want it to be. I'm sure that goes both ways.

I had been looking for an escape. I wanted to go on a mission trip to Mexico, but God was not calling me to go and my husband didn't think so either. I could have easily ignored God if He had not told me to ask my husband. Now, I am looking for something to do. This is clouding my ability to discern whether I'm just bored and trying to give my brain something to focus on, or if God wants me to start something.

Jesus said; "My Father is working until now, and I am working." John 5:17 Good to know; better to believe it; and peace is found in trusting it.

So, here I am. Knowing, believing, and trusting. My mind whirling from all that it is thinking - and not doing - and my bank account starving from lack of deposits. It's a good thing I'm going to Seattle for the weekend. I think I'll leave my life at home.