Christmas Break

It's been a very hectic few weeks. Shutting down all of school and getting ready for the break. Why do I think I need to get ready for a break!? That is ridiculous! I cleaned the house twice, bought supplies, filled the fridge and the cupboards, and did the laundry. I wanted to be able to relax. Adulting means that you can't just come home on Christmas Break and it's all done for you; you're the one who has to do it. Anyway, I've done it. To the best of my ability. And those who decide my house isn't up to snuff, well... fuck you. And don't go in my garage... that's a whole other story.

I brought my daughter home from college today. She lit up the house the moment we got home. It has been hard for me with two boys and no man for them to look up to, plus their sister who holds them together, gone away at school. It seemed as if we lost our way for a bit. I am thankful today for all three of  my children. It warmed my heart as I heard them in the kitchen talking and laughing together. A familiar sound and so glad that they have each other.

Tomorrow I pick up my man from the airport and he gets to have a taste of  my world. I'm so excited to have him here to meet all the important people in my life and most importantly, spend time with him. I just want to escape with him and leave this world behind... but I know that realistically, we both need to be in the muck and still find the passion and the excitement. I want that more than anything. I want he and I to face the messy stuff of life with prayer and a smile. We both know that these momentary troubles will pass. Another test that I'm not intentionally planning but is in motion none the less.

It feels so good to be walking in God's plan. His will fully being laid out for me.

Christmas Break is here and I am ready to settle in and enjoy.

One Word 2017

Peace ... from Warrior to Peace. I do not feel that my warrior phase is over. I still have battles to fight and one big one in particular. Like all the words I've chosen for the years in the past, they seem to define the journey that is ahead, not always in the present, but what I'm seeking to make happen for the future. Wow... did I just say that? What I'm seeking to make happen... that may very well be the problem with every word choice that I've ever made over the years. My motives are my own and not His.

James 4:13-17

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

I remember asking for peace, begging for peace in the past. I don't think I knew what that was supposed to look like. I often thought I had no peace; yet I had peace in the midst of difficulty, love in the midst of disdain and abuse, joy from within that I could not keep to myself, and hope, yes even hope when I was inwardly hopeless. Jesus' words are ringing true in my ears.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you: not as the world gives, give I to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

These things I have spoken to you, that in me you might have peace. In the world you shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. John 16:33

2017 must have that kind of peace. Peace that is a gift, a gift to me in the midst of struggle and hard work. Peace that turns into joy oozing out of my pores and bringing everyone around me along for the ride. The peace that Jesus brings to me I need to share with my children, my family, my friends, and my lover and his family. The peace that Jesus has promised me is confirmed by His Holy Spirit that gives me courage to face my fears. I do not need to be afraid since His plans are for my good. His overwhelming love envelopes my life.

My prayer is this; that the Lord would inform my plans and shape them, guiding my steps to go where He wants me to. Bring peace where there should be none, resolution that is humanly impossible, and wisdom to see when I am trying to take back the reigns. May I walk in the will of the most Holy, loving, one and only creator God. In Jesus name, amen.

I have compiled a list of some scriptures and it seems appropriate to list them; a list that can be added to throughout the year.

... do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also you are called in one body; and be you thankful. Colossians 3:15

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you: because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3

For he himself is our peace… Ephesians 2:14

Cleaning up

I have been in my garage lately; looking for photos, getting out Christmas decorations, and looking for winter gear. It has made me feel terrible going in there. My garage is full. There are five bikes, old luggage, boxed up photos, camping equipment, deck furniture, house decor, junk, old sports equipment, packaged up memories and a ton of car parts. I have to clean it up and get it out.

I feel like it is a reflection of the mess that I was supposed to have left behind three years ago. I want to reduce all my stuff and yet I have it boxed up and shoved into a garage. Why? Why am I hanging on to all of that stuff? Yes, when I go looking for something, I go in there and find it. But there is a whole bunch other stuff in there that I will never look for nor do I need. The boxes of memorabilia and photos aside, there is old junk in there that just has to go. A plan is formulating and I am going to finally be rid of it and rid of the past. This also means that I need to go through the memories and decide, how much of it is worth keeping?

All three of my children need to keep some of those memories and pictures of the past. There are reminders of their youth and of the happy times. Knowing that there was joy in the past and goodness within the mess is going to give them a foundation for building a better future. They have stuff in there that needs their attention, things that they need to decide whether they keep or let go. As the years move forward, my children are going to be leaving and starting lives of their own. My oldest should already be doing that, but he's stuck in limbo and all the stuff he has in the garage and in his room, is a reflection of how much that is true. That messy garage is as much an image of my muddled past as it is there's. We will get through all that mess and mud together and start the next chapter without carrying it around any longer.

The garage is slated to be emptied this spring and summer. The plan is now in the books. And when I plan something, it always happens.

Spiritual Relief

“Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;

  be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;

for you will forget the shame of your youth,

  and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.

5 For your Maker is your husband,

  the Lord of hosts is his name;

and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,

  the God of the whole earth he is called.

6 For the Lord has called you

  like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,

like a wife of youth when she is cast off,

  says your God.

7 For a brief moment I deserted you,

  but with great compassion I will gather you.

8 In overflowing anger for a moment

  I hid my face from you,

but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,”

  says the Lord, your Redeemer.

Isaiah 54:4-8

In my Bible this passage has dates beside it; 2010, 2014... and verse 6 is heavily underlined '... like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit...' I checked an older Bible of mine, and the dates go back even further 2001, 2004, and so on. I lived in a spiritual desert for more than twenty years. My Father in heaven was so dear to me, he kept me and grew me. I was given purposes in my children, in my work, in friendships, and in leadership. His compassion on me was that He did not leave me to walk through that desert alone; I was surrounded by the church and my family. Yet, the spiritual burden still felt heavy, it became my cross to bear. It felt as if I had to be a spiritual giant; even once my marriage ended, I have still carried this burden of spiritually leading and guiding my family. It's not been easy and I honestly never wanted the job all alone. I work so much better in tandem with someone else. I was never meant to be alone in leadership. Even in my work and coaching life, I have done so much better with strong, wise, willing partners who support me, whom I support; and we carry the load and work together.

God made me to be an encouraging partner that will work along side and lift up strong leaders who recognize they need a solid supporter. I don't come across that way I guess. I'm too strong maybe or too opinionated; but I will follow and support you when you prove to be someone of substance and character. I will follow someone who recognizes my wisdom and gifts; someone who puts me in their place and trusts I'll do it well when they can't; someone who listens to what I say, seeks my perspective, and allows me to be in charge of what they are not as capable of doing as well as myself. I want to do the same thing for others. I have worked with, taught with, coached with, and been friends with people that have been that in my life. It was always like an oasis of beauty; of how it can be when mutual respect is given.

Seeking a new partner in life, a new husband, has included that I need someone with whom I can trust, someone who I can follow and walk beside without fear. I am overwhelmed with the gift of God in the man that He has given to me. I'm not sure I can describe the spiritual relief that is starting to rise in my soul. My cross to bear... I think I can lay it down. I never imagined that I would be able to lay it down until I was with Jesus in paradise. I have tested him... yeah, I have. I have found ways to see if he relies on Jesus or if it's just words. I have heard his testimony, his ideas about spiritual issues, his struggles with his own past marital desert; I have pushed on topics and he's responded with scripture and gentle wisdom. He has pointed me back to prayer, God's word, the power of the Holy Spirit, and involvement in my church. He has sought my perspective and listened to my thoughts, considering what I say. He has prayed with me... prayers that are full of what God would have him say. His words are often soaked in scripture. He leads his children. He makes all decisions with prayer and sleep... which I think is pretty important; don't be too hasty - like I tend to be. He has calmed me with his trust in God's plan when I express doubt or fear. I have tested him... even when I didn't intend to.

This morning I called because I was frustrated with myself. I miss him and had a restless night, waking up repeatedly longing for him to be here. I had little to say in my own prayers for some semblance of self control and peace. Then Jesus said, 'call him to help you'. I did and I prayed, but it was short as I had no words; my emotions were taking over and I could hardly keep from crying. So, when my weak prayer ended, I asked him to pray for me. It was amazing. I couldn't have prayed for myself the way he prayed and lifted me up, lifted us both up. He is my partner. He is the relief in a spiritual desert; the oasis from God until I am home.

Thank you Jesus!

Thank you...

I don't want half

I went to a concert with my future husband two weeks ago. I think he noticed that I cried during a song that I'd never heard before. It was as if they were singing this song to me... she was looking right in my eyes. Even thinking about it now, I still get a lump in my throat and my eyes are brimming with tears.

I've been hurt. I act tough and I know how to pull through. I lean on my faith and trust that Jesus has me, right in his arms where I'm safe... despite what it sometimes looks like in my reality. I embrace my life with the joy that comes from within. My lover has seen through my tough exterior... I'm glad... but now I'm also exposed. I am vulnerable more than I was a month ago... I want to be and yet it is such a difficult place to live. So honey... be gentle with me.

... I'm just trying to make a happy life.... and I can't do it alone... don't you want to hold me close, let me be the thing you want the most.... I don't want to ask for much, just your simple truthful touch.... so please be truthful with me, that's all I want and need.... If I wanted all of you, would that be too much to ask.... I could take it all back, but I don't want too.... I don't want half and I shouldn't have to ask for that... it's all or nothing in fact, and I don't want half...

These words from the Paper Bird song when I heard them that night... were the words of my man being sung to me, by people that had no idea of their impact. It was amazing... as if planned for me to hear and absorb deep into my heart. The song seems to address my past and my future in ways that are, in my opinion, not an accident.

... so take the money, take the feeling, take this poison, take back your name.... and come the night time, take your things out of the closet, here's your ring.... take my heart up off the floor and onto a shelf forever more.... cause I don't want it, I don't want it not with your footprints upon it.... I don't want it, I don't want it not with your footprints upon it... I don't want it!

That's the part that made me cry... I didn't want my heart the way it was... it took two years to recover... and I wonder if I'm there yet... I so desperately want to keep my heart off that shelf. I don't want it to have visible footprints on it that seep sadness, bitterness, and fear into my future. I am praying that Jesus has healed me... is it wrong to want, to think, that my lover could heal me? Or help to heal me? Could I help to heal him? Is that not what we are meant to do for one another?

The farther I go down this path of intentionally being with this man and planning for a future, the more potential I see and yet there is more opportunity for failure. This is the road the path of love is taking me down. I have found my partner, and now the work begins.

.... I just want to make the happy life I've been waiting for so long... so would you please, be careful with me, wide open and free.... be the kind of man you've been to afraid to be...

I won't give half... in fact, I will give all of me.

I don't want half - Paper Bird

My Burden

Every time...

It seems there is not a time that I'm not moved to tears after talking to my kids about their visits with their dad. They find solace in each other by making jokes and I cringe a little. I ask them to somehow show honour and respect. It is, at this point in their journey, a futile request.

I'm at a loss... my burden is this; I chose an emotionally stunted, abusive, self centered, sociopath as the father of my children. At twenty one, I did not realize I had done that. I ask myself sometimes, did I know with the second child? Did I know with the third? Women are often criticized for having children with abusive men; and for continuing to have more children with them once they have been exposed to the abuses. When I was still married, he would often blame all his troubles on our unplanned pregnancy. I dismissed this claim. How could year after year that 'mistake' be the reason for every other difficulty or set back? My son was not a mistake. I had moved on; worked and succeeded, finished school, grown in so many ways. Why was he so stuck? When my daughter came along, I planned her and was excited about the next phase as a married woman. I had my degree, I owned a house, I had a station wagon, I volunteered, I worked part time. Within six months of her birth, I had packed up quickly and taken a bus with my kids to run away, only to return in two weeks. Sometimes, I still wonder why I came back. I was still afraid. He was still mad. When my youngest son was born, it had been a good time... everything seemed to be going so much better. After his birth, I knew I would never have another child with this man. Thankfully, my doctor gave me the medical reason I needed to stop having more children. I knew that I had to stand in what I had, that I was in a dangerous place, that I had to shore up my resources and survive for my kids. I stayed home from work after that. I couldn't be divided, my home had to be my focus. My Jesus, my church, and my home. In the crucible of those terrible years, I came to know Jesus and the Word of God like I'd never known them before. The beauty that came out of the fire were my children, the growth in my faith, and my knowledge of the Word.

When it all finally ended three years ago, I thought my burden was gone; but now I wonder if it will ever leave. Every time my children spend time with their dad, there is fall out. They come home either agitated or despondent. The conversations that my children have about their father is a mixture of anger and crass humour. I rarely see the sadness that lies beneath. Their tears seem to be gone or deep under a pile of bitterness. They lack all respect for this man who helped bring them here and it is hard to listen to at times. I find myself pulled into the discussion to either explain or show empathy for what they are experiencing. I have shared all of it with them; they know about my struggle to obtain child support, the affairs, and even some of the little details. I am afraid that I have crossed the line, gone too far in my empathy, said too much to help them understand, and only encouraged rage and bitterness. I wonder if I have been harbouring bitterness in the disguise of seeking justice? I wonder if this has seeped into them?

It's finished. The bitterness must stop here. The anger has to be released for the sadness to finally be let out. I have to change the dialogue. All I can do is guide them, set a new standard, start over. My burden is not that I married him, it is that I too have to let Jesus take this and redeem it. Daily giving Him every piece, every memory, every inch of bitterness that the devil wants to sow in my heart. It must go to the cross. When my children come to me, I need to first pray and find a new pattern. I can't change their situation, but I hope I can guide them to change how they handle it. Find boundaries where there were none, find peace where it is lacking, find joy where bitterness was taking root.

I just feel no resolution on this matter... it is frustrating to come to the end of writing and still feel unsettled.

UPDATE!
Meeting with my sons and a phone call with my daughter.... feeling peace from the confirmation of wise friends and family who have helped to point me in the right direction. Feeling the love and support from my man... he is so wise and trusts in the Lord. Prayers have settled my spirit. I'm so glad I listened to the Holy Spirits whispers....

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

... bitterness... ?

It's always a song that brings resolution to my heart.

Let it happen

You're full of life.... now
You're full of passion
That's how He made you
Just let it happen

And He calls each one of us
By our names, to come away
And He whispers to your heart
To let it go and be a light.

Be a light
Come alive

So take me back, back to the beginning
When I was young
Running through the fields with You

I've never heard this song before. I am questioning it's biblical correctness, yet I am drawn to what it is telling me. Has God made me full of passion? What passions in me are blessed by Jesus? I have passions that have been sullied by my sin. Does God still see those passions in me and say they are good? Ambition, competitive spirit, pursuing excellence, sexual intimacy, seeking knowledge and wisdom; I've messed them all up in some way... He made me this way... hmmmm.
I want to embrace that, fully blessed in it, fully washed in the blood as I let my passions come out.

What am I letting happen? I want to let Jesus heal, change, grow, convict, and fill me. Let that happen... please Lord.
I have been harbouring bitterness in the disguise of seeking justice.
It's time to let it go...

You have whispered to my heart. I have heard you. I have to let it go.

I'm not sure anymore about going to court. I'm not sure about seeking more. It needs to be finished.

I trust you Jesus.

A song...

No one ever held you

No single moment of truth

But if you were mine

I would've looked into those eyes

And said,

Tell me the words you long to hear

And I'll sing them loud and clear

Let me heal the wounds you've held on to for all these years

Break the cycle

Break the chains

'Cause love is louder than all your pain

Than all your pain

Break the Cycle you+me

In the wind...

"The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit." - John 3:8

The movement of the Spirit is like the wind... to bring salvation... to bring change in your heart... does the Spirit only move to bring salvation? Can I take this out of context and use it for any movement of the Spirit in your life, in my life... in anything? Because I want to do that... I've never allowed the Holy Spirit to be the wind in my relationships with men. Not ever. Which is pretty bad. I don't think that I've relied on the Holy Spirit to move or do anything when I'm dealing with romance. I didn't even ask or listen when choosing my first husband. Instead, I've made decisions and then asked for the Spirit to move... not really very smart. In my defense, I don't think that I've actually been conscientiously aware of the order in which I'm asking for the assistance of God, the presence of Jesus, and the movement of the Spirit. I don't know if that's any better. Overall, I have tended to make decisions then ask for God's blessing... which is generally ass-backwards. The times that I have prayed for direction and then acted, have been so amazing that I really should only do it that way.

So after my last dating relationship ended...  I lifted up my prayers for what I wanted in a man, in a husband, to God. I wanted Jesus to know what I wanted. I said it all out loud as I was walking, not because I had to in order for God to hear it, but because I needed to know that I had definitely done it. I laid it all out there and I was picky. I was asking for the Spirit to bring someone to me because I was impatient and frustrated. Once I was done, I felt better... and then went home and signed up for Christian Mingle. LOL Let's face it, I didn't expect God to drop my husband out of the sky! Six months... if this doesn't work after six months, I'm off and will try something else. All those other stupid free apps were filled with junk men and I was done playing around. I also realized that I wanted a man who loves Jesus. I had thought I could just not worry about that; I figured I don't need a man to increase my faith or improve my walk with Jesus. But I actually do want someone to challenge me, walk with me in it, open my eyes to something I didn't see, and point me to Jesus when I'm not focused on him. Anyway, I joined October 9th, on a Sunday evening.

Now, just three weeks later, I'm falling in love. It makes no sense and lacks any logical pinning. At the beginning I even noted that it was ill advised because... he's in Arizona. Yeah... God has a sense of humour. I'm impatient, so Jesus sends me my man, but then says, sorry, you still have to wait... he's in Arizona. Urgh... BAHAHABAH!! My usual plan of meeting right away to avoid false intimacy through online chatting... well that is way gone! What I'm learning through this, is that getting to know him and communicating with him without the physical is just what I needed. We are meeting... but that can't happen right away so we've had all this time to get to know each other, online and on the phone. By the time I meet him, see him in the flesh, hold his hand, and give him a kiss... it'll have been four weeks... but it feels like longer... and not in a bad way. Long distance relationships are hard, but we haven't even seen each other in the flesh... we're starting like this... I feel like this is unprecedented. I should do some research on that... lol

Despite it's illogical beginning and the distance we are dealing with... it's pretty cool!! I'm very happy with all the things that keep falling into place. He's like comfort food, comfy clothes, a warm drink on a cold night, and a movie I love to watch over and over.... and yet there is anticipation and a little fear of what's ahead... such a wonderful mix of bliss and tension... its passionate before I've come into contact with him and comfortable before history has created a rhythm. It's in the wind... that's the only way to explain it. I've been trying to put it into words for over a week, and I can't.

"The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear it's sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes." John 3:8

As I already said, I know that in context this is talking about how the Spirit moves to change a heart, how being born again happens; but I don't think I am out of line to extrapolate that the Spirit works that way in other areas. This is how I am currently understanding how I'm falling in love... the wind is blowing... and I'm allowing it to pick me up and take me where it wants me to go. I am allowing the Spirit, Jesus, to direct my feelings for him. Just when I want to pull back or guard my heart, the Spirit moves again. I'm given an open path and his strength, gentleness, understanding, trust, familiarity, vulnerability, and direction leads me where the wind is blowing... straight into his arms. I keep praying it will never stop.

Allowing the Spirit to lead this is proving to be super challenging and is forcing me to give God control of my desire for sexual connection. Part of that is being done because he's not here, and I am learning about him and falling in love with him without being able to express any of that through physical touch. I never would have thought that I needed to do that, but I did. I'm learning to lean into God on this because I have to. I was wrestling with God once we agreed to meet because I had heard from Jesus that I had to wait to have sex with him. I was distraught... I tried to ignore the Spirits voice... but God was persistent with me. Jesus didn't demand this of me but gently asked me to trust him. And then he warned me... if you do this your way, you'll lose him. I was so mad at God for telling me that. I begged him to not do that! What if I mess up? What if I can't do it? Please don't take him from me because I'm weak! It's not fair! I've relented to the wind however, and the moment I did, I was released from the pressure and torment that had been building up. I'm no longer worried about messing it up, because God is gracious to me and wants to give me good things. I still want to have him now, to give all of me to him now, but I'm going to follow what Jesus is asking me to do and wait.

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,

    by the gazelles or the does of the field,

that you not stir up or awaken love

    until it pleases.

Song of Solomon 2:7

There are at least three other times in the Song of Solomon where it says that. I have spent some time reading the Song of Solomon and it's beautiful. The story of how love unfolds, of how it pleases God... it's so cool that that's in the Bible. I want to awaken love when it pleases God. In chapter 8, you see how this happens. It seems, that a seal on your heart, a seal on your arm, put there by your lover, put there by God, is what awakens it. When love finally pleases, it is as strong as death, it is a passionate jealous fire that cannot be quenched or bought with money. I'm a bit unorthodox when I say that I don't think that means marriage as we understand it in our culture. I do believe that even in this broken world where sex and marriage have not gone hand in hand, and even in my own sexual brokenness, God has not changed his mind. He still desires for one man and one woman to be united, to know each other, and only each other, until death. I don't want to give away that part of me to anyone anymore unless he is my husband. That being said, and I have some trepidation in saying this, this man from Arizona, he is my husband. He has said it to me... he has placed the seal on my heart and on my arm. I believe him. Time and distance and circumstance and legalities will most likely keep us from that for longer than either of us wants.  I don't know how long I will have to wait... and I know that the next time I see him after our first meeting, I will hear Jesus speak to me about this again. I anticipate an awakening of love and I am praying for it.

I am falling in love... and I pray for the strength to follow the wind of the Spirit.

Avant-garde Love

How can anyone find their lover, the person they want to spend the rest of their life with via the internet or an app? Seriously, there is no way that actually works.

Statistics show that one third of American marriages were the result of online dating. That was from 2013. 40 million Americans use online dating services. A 2011 Leger Marketing survey found 36 per cent of Canadians between the ages of 18 and 34 use online dating; that's 14.2 million singles in 2014 according to stats Canada. Something is going on, and yet I didn't believe it actually worked. It's phenomenon that I had little belief in even though I know four couples who have met online and then got married. The statistics are not fake, the numbers don't lie, but I hadn't the faintest idea of how it was possible.

I have been just like many and put it down, called it ridiculous, and even said that I would never.... well... I have, I am, and it's working... crazy. This so called avant-garde love is really just old fashioned letter writing and long distance romance on steroids. Communication taken to a whole new level.

I'm jumping in with two feet... haven't landed yet... I'm still floating, taken up in the wind... and it's intoxicating.

Partners for life

I wonder if marriage works...? I know it works when I look around me... it works for each couple in their own way. It requires so much selfless behaviour balanced with an awareness of your own limitations to bear someone else's trouble, dysfunction, and selfishness.

Partners for life... I want that... but lately I've been playing with the notion that a more expedient way of thinking is that people evolve and so 'for life' is not feasible. It avoids disappointment if you already believe it won't last forever; you'll only put in what you may get back, you'll guard your heart, and leave before the trouble becomes too difficult to bear. If you're always putting up boundaries, ensuring that you're not extending too much time, investing too much emotion, and costing yourself money, don't you also miss out on the benefits of the fullness of love? It is a heartless, selfish, near sighted perspective.

I'm scared... because if I want to have a relationship that reflects vulnerability, love, self sacrifice, and grace I may get hurt again. I may have to walk part way down the path with more than one potential partner, putting my heart out there only to have to clean it off and try again.

This is infinitely harder the second time around. I know all the risks. I know what might happen. I find myself suspicious of motives. I find myself jumping in with two feet even though I should be older and wiser... I don't want to be desperate... but there is an element of desperation in anyone who is looking for connection.

To my partner, to my lover I say...

I'm walking towards you... please be gentle, even as I push in too hard... even as I overwhelm you with all I think and feel... even as try to tear down your boundaries... even as I reveal my darkness... be gentle. Don't let me take you somewhere you don't want to go. Be gentle ... even though I will ask you to bend. Please be willing to allow me to change you as you are already changing me.... be gentle. Be gentle with me even if you think I'm not being gentle with you... show me your gentleness and I will put down my sword. Let me find a place to be fully me. I will give to you more than I receive.

Beautiful

When in a place of trouble, I write. I ponder on my situation way too much. It seems that melancholy consumes and comforts and leads the way.

So... thanks for listening... or reading as it may be. I'll be ok, I'm trusting not knowing or understanding... but we all are. Glad for a beautiful place to live and beautiful people to live it out with.

Needed me...

Pain can make you hard or soften your heart....

Oh Lord, please.... let these trials not harden my heart. It seems like it would be so much better to just not give a fuck.

Needed me... Rihanna

I was good on my own, that's the way it was, that's the way it was

You was good on the low for a faded fuck, on some faded love

Shit, what the fuck you complaining for?

Feeling jaded, huh?

Used to trip off that shit I was kickin' to you

Had some fun on the run though I give it to you

But, baby, don't get it twisted

You was just another nigga on the hit list

Tryna fix your inner issues with a bad bitch

Didn't they tell you that I was a savage?

Fuck your white horse and a carriage

Bet you never could imagine

Never told you, you could have it

You needed me

Ooh, you needed me

Feel a little more and give a little less

Know you hate to confess

But, baby, who, you needed me

You been rollin' around, shit, I'm rolling up

Light and roll it up

Break it down like a pound, shit was never us

Shit was never us

That's the real on the real. Are you serious?

How you feel, how you feel?

Used to trip off that shit I was kickin' to you

Had some fun on the run though, I give it to you

But, baby, don't get it twisted (don't get)

You was just another nigga on the hit list

Tryna fix your inner issues with a bad bitch

Didn't they tell you that I was a savage?

Fuck your white horse and a carriage

Bet you never could imagine

Never told you, you could have it

You needed me

Ooh, you needed me

To feel a little more and give a little less

Know you hate to confess

But, baby, who, you needed me
Rihanna - Needed Me

In The Zone

Sometimes I feel like this teaching gig is too much work (and I don't make enough money). I'll see if I can squeeze out as much as I want out of it, but I'm not sure it's 'it' for me. I feel that I haven't found my sweet spot yet. However, I had a really good day last week at work. I was doing what I do without constraint and felt myself using my gifts and abilities; it felt good to be able to be in that zone.

It's like in sport. There is a zone where the familiarity and instinct feel transcendent... like home. I remember games like that... wonderful....

It's similar to flow. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a Hungarian psychologist, recognized and named the psychological concept of flow, a highly focused mental state. I studied the concept of flow back in 2009, as I followed students around seeking to catch them in flow while learning at school. It was surprisingly difficult and I came to the conclusion that school is not very conducive for being in flow - being in the zone while at school is tough. If it's tough for students, I am now seeing how tough it is for teachers.

When I was younger, the court - basketball, volleyball - was my passion. Coaching has captured some of that now; I have a few coaching experiences where I've made all the right decisions and it turned out perfect and felt amazing. That feeling, that zone, is hard to match. So many of us struggle to find that passion, and many unfortunately, have never experienced it. As I get older, I want to create more of it not because I'm seeking the memories of my youth, but because I see how that is what will help me to maintain the ability to enjoy my work, my life, to the fullest.

I have found many alternate places where I am in the zone; paddle boarding, kayaking, hiking, swimming in a lake, prayer, singing, listening to music, dancing, camping, staring up at the moon and the stars, coaching (especially with my partner Jen Farano), teaching (in the right conditions), a good glass of wine, spending time with friends in my favourite places, and working collaboratively with others.

I am seeking to find more opportunities to be in the zone and experience flow. I'm on a journey to let all else fall away that keeps me from it. I feel like it is a Kingdom pursuit; seeking to bring more of the Kingdom of Heaven here; live the life that Jesus has set aside for me. Seeking to work in that transcendent place where I am home. Not because it's easy all the time, but because its in that place I can feel His pleasure.

*some of the words in this blog were borrowed from a wise man who is also on a journey to find his way back to his zone of passion and flow.

Sad

I'm so fucking sad it's unbelievable. My stomach hurts and my eyes are heavy. I find myself crying, whenever no one is around. My mind wanders back and I analyze conversations, interactions, texts, the way he looked at me, all the things we did. I think about the time that went by, the anticipation I felt for the next time I saw him, the things I learned, the connection that was so strong... seemed so strong... it's all just sad. All my troubles and woes seem bigger and harder to carry today. It's like I can't do it anymore and yet I am. It's a beautiful sadness that fills me and consumes my insides.

I'm also fucking mad.... it's a strange thing. I jumped again, with two feet, and took a bigger bite; just like I said I would. I knew what I was doing... and I thought it was the fun part! I put it through the fire and the Kevlar didn't work; I've been burned and it hurts. How mad I am rises up and screams... but then my sadness engulfs the anger and I'm crying. It's a good thing. It means my heart can love again. It means that I can be vulnerable and open; risk being known with no guarantees. I don't regret a single moment of it. It was glorious.

I am embracing how bad this feels because I refuse to numb myself. I cannot numb what is unpleasant or I'll miss the exhilaration of joy, love, sex, nature, exercise, good food and wine, my kids, family, and relationships. I don't want to miss any of it. I want to grow and change, seek and find, and do this better the next time. It sucks that it's over... but I think that it's the right thing. I know it's the right thing, but I want it back. I don't have to make anything work that isn't. It's confusing... everything feels heavier.

Thank God this will end.... and I'll look back and realize how much I've learned... and smile :)

You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment

And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better now

You're stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

...

And if the night runs over

And if the day won't last

And if your way should falter

Along the stony pass it's just a moment

This time will pass

Stuck in a Moment U2

From 'other life' to coming home

This all started with the notion that I would have my 'other life' neatly tucked away and accessible when I needed escape. That worked well for those two months before the trip... it was wonderful, it was exciting, it was elicit; just what this passionate girl needed. I didn't hatch this plan with much thought... no... in my typical fashion, I jumped in with two feet and took a very large bite. I am thankful for the blessing of a kind heart, gentle eyes, deep respect, adventure, and love that I found despite my haste. It is a pretty good match, the best I've had thus far.

I didn't expect what I've now received and I find myself questioning it's authenticity. I got the first message from the airport, then the next after arrival, and then more kept coming. The messages didn't stop or come less frequently, they were consistent and unwarranted; just to say goodnight or good morning.  Time away has seemingly not diminished what was just budding before. And then I'm reminded of the false intimacy that online communication can create.

Doubt.

It's presence always gives me pause, and then I realize its a chance to look into things, investigate, notice any red flags, check my emotions at the door, and look at facts. Crunch the numbers as they say. It's a reminder to keep myself from morphing into 'relationship me'. She's an idiot. She listens only to desire, puts the future ahead of the present and becomes who she's not to please the moment, to smooth out the rough spots, and to keep something fresh that is well past due. Doubt brings her around; I see her now, around the corner and her ideas have started to leak into my subconscious. I hate that bitch and don't ever want to be her again. I will not edit myself. So today, I'm fleshing her out; out in the open, she doesn't stand a chance. Whatever I do from here, my eyes will be wide open and my heart on my sleeve. I want to continue to enjoy each moment and be glad it's added to my already great life.

I want my 'other life' to remain. Passion for the next time and excitement for all the moments in between are what make drinking in life taste so good. There are people to meet, family to be introduced, my chaos to meet up with his calm, schedules to deal with, and the challenges of the differences that are always more apparent as time goes on. I'm probably going to jump again, with two feet, and take a bigger bite. But I'm not going in blind. I know the choice I'm making and I know what it comes with. This is the fun part! Putting it through the fire. It's a good thing. It's time to move from just my 'other life' to coming home.

Maybe the Kevlar will work this time.

Warning or Wonder

I have been as a portent to many,

    but you are my strong refuge.

...

You who have made me see many troubles and calamities

    will revive me again;

from the depths of the earth

    you will bring me up again.

You will increase my greatness

    and comfort me again.

Psalm 71:7, 20-21

Portent: a sign or warning that something, especially something momentous or calamitous, is likely to happen.

archaic meaning: an exceptional or wonderful person or thing

I am a portent. Whether I am the portent of old or not remains to be seen. Much of my life is a warning to my children and to those I know; don't do what I did. I am a strong person, but I'm no fool. I know that I could not have withstood that which has occurred in my life without Jesus who is my rock, my saviour, my friend. I used to think that all my troubles were caused because God was punishing me for all my sin. How did a girl with an evangelist father grow up with that false understanding of God? It snuck in there because I continued to sin and the devil liked me to believe it; kept me in my bad behaviour and away from the saving grace of Jesus. That thinking still threatens to keep me from Jesus even today. I feel that I will never be perfect enough to receive the blessing of a renewed life where I'm brought up again and feel the comfort of the Lord. Each sin repeated reminds me of my distance from this future. It keeps many from him. They reject a false God, not Jesus. The devil likes it that way. Jesus reveals that God is love. The verses from Psalm 71 don't make sense any other way.

Now you know I believe in the devil. Life is a story that has a villain and a saviour. The spiritual world doesn't make sense without it. I'm not blaming the devil... evil comes from the heart - mine and yours. Jesus said that. And we all know it's true. Who can save us from these bodies of death? Jesus.

A warning or a wonder... it doesn't matter. I think I'm both...

Maria out.

Your Love is a Song

Your Love is a Song
Switchfoot

Ooh, your love is a symphony

All around me, running to me

Ooh, your love is a melody

Underneath me, and into me

Song lyrics always get me... 

Big Girls Are Best

It's my mom's 70th birthday today. We're having a big party for her at her newly renovated house with family and friends. It's kind of a big deal. Reflecting on my mom, just like my dad... she has influenced me in very big ways. I have BIG parents with huge personality and my mom is not to be overshadowed by her larger than life husband. The older I get, the more I realize how great my mom truly is.

My mom became a nurse back when that's what you did if you were a woman. She was determined to go away on missions if her relationship with my dad didn't result in marriage... that's what she has always told us anyway. She worked hard as a nurse, but I think she worked harder at home. When we were growing up she had a name for herself while she cleaned gutters, gardened, painted, and fixed everything up around our house - she was Edith the German maintenance lady. While I was playing in the yard... she was on the roof doing something. I asked her a question... and she responded in German to me, then said that my mom wasn't home in a thick accent! Seriously funny! I think it may have only happened once, but I loved it! She has always taken pride in her home and garden.

When my dad decided to leave teaching and become a pastor, he waited for my mom to agree to the idea for a whole year before they moved forward with it. She gave up a lot of her time, energy, and privacy to follow my dad into the ministry. She has done everything in the church from nursery, to coffee service, to playing the piano, to ladies bible study. Her hospitality is unmatched by any other pastor's wife I know. She should teach a course on how to support your husband in the ministry, because there are a ton of women out there that have no idea what they're doing.

My mom always worked; night shifts, day shifts and would sleep strange hours. I remember her vacuuming at 2am and her being asleep when we'd leave for school. She taught me to cook, sew, clean, do laundry, take time to read, work hard, take care of my own things and label them, make a house look like a home, be present, how to camp and do it well, get dirty, be a lady, be kind, stand tall, exercise to feel good, eat well, dress well, be a problem solver, invite others in, treat people from all over like family, and bring all my troubles to Jesus.

My mom is big. I don't mean in size, I mean in life. She is what U2 means when they sing "Big Girls Are Best".
She's not on her back, she's the glue, she keeps it all together.
She feels every sensation and has a smile like salvation.
And we know... she's a sexy momma ;)
She's political, spiritual, she's not superficial...

I love my mom. She's part of why I'm so BIG.

Big Girls Are Best - U2

Other-centeredness = love

... marriage is the ultimate human relationship where love fully replaces law.
Bruxy Cavey

He says also that no one ever writes rules into their wedding vows about physical or verbal abuse (or any form of abuse for that matter), because the relationship is love-based rather than law-based. Love fulfills all moral and ethical responsibilities toward one another. (Bruxy Cavey & N. Kenneth Rideout)

I read that back in 2011; before I understood, before anything really changed. It wasn't underlined or highlighted until today... because today I'm not ashamed of what happened. Today, I want to be able to walk into a relationship where love fully replaces law.

Bruxy goes on further to say...

... when exiting a marriage, everything changes. When a divorce occurs, people's orientation is away from their partner, so the details of law take center stage. Law and love are two entirely different ways of being, analogous to the difference between marriage vows and separation agreements.

The law has left me empty, tired, and broke.

I'm ready for love to fill me, wake me up, and bring me true wealth.

My dad quoted something from a Charles Price devotional that I liked .... 'for this I have Jesus'. When someone asks you how you've moved on, or carried the burden, or manage to smile despite the pain, or work so hard when so much is falling apart, or take on more challenges when you seem to have too many, or even have a hopeful attitude in this crazy world... simply say 'For this I have Jesus'.  What you're really saying is 'for this I have love'. But it's greater than that because it's supernatural, it's not dependant on your human ability to feel love. Instead it's the supernatural love that moves, acts, behaves, and embraces; sometimes despite how you feel. It's not just romantic love, its so much bigger than that. I feel like that should replace the old and tired statement of 'what would Jesus do'. We need Jesus to show up and do it for us! Jesus loves.... our world, our relationships, need more of that.

I feel like we are so bogged down by egocentric issues that even in our desire to love more we get it wrong. We take the command to love your neighbour as yourself and say we must first love ourselves. Jesus' command assumes self love as a foundational reality; we will do anything to make ourselves more comfortable and feel better. We naturally think about ourselves all the time. Jesus is challenging us to move our self-centeredness to other-centeredness. As long as we are oriented toward one another in other-centered love, no one has to become a rules or systems manager. (from Bruxy Cavey too... :)

But yes, we need law to govern our societies because people do not love automatically as they should... and again, just as Bruxy says. But maybe one relationship at a time, we can be other-centered. It's interesting to me because our world is kind of begging for this right now. I just heard a comedian basically quote what Jesus says... love your enemies... and then he gives the same reason scripture gives in Romans 12:20 and Proverbs 25:22 - in showing love you will heap burning coals on the head of your enemy - in a much more crass way he says instead... you'll make them look like the asshole. So, don't be the asshole.

Watch Jim Jefferies here Jim Jefferies - Trump 2016

I feel like this post has gone a little all over the place.... I started with the example of marriage and love in a culture where marriage is not valued and has been redefined by many. My own marriage did not fall under the definition that I have explained in this post, and yet I still believe marriage should be that and that we should aspire to that. I want all my relationships (with my children, my friends, my co-workers, my boss, my neighbours) to be other-centered so that they work and grow in mutual respect. I can't fix every relationship out there that could or may be causing pain, grief, struggle, death, destruction, and fear. No one can. We can only start by loving someone right in front of us.

I guess when I say I'm ready for love to fill me up, wake me up, and give me true wealth, I think our world is ripe for that too. We need to talk about Jesus to people... He is love. For this I have Jesus. Stop saying God, it's not specific enough, and for most it leaves you feeling heavy with your own burdens of who God is and the destructive power of religion. Jesus isn't religion, he's relationship; he's the full revelation of who God is. For (you fill in the blank) I have Jesus.

On a personal note.... I am in the throws of love these days.... feeling that gives me hope and has changed my perspective. It is also preoccupying my mind! As Song of Solomon says in chapter 2:3-7, he is like an apple tree and I am sitting in his shadow, his fruit is sweet to my taste... but I need to be sustained with something else and let it unfold at it's proper pace. For this...  I have Jesus... lol

Hold Hands

At the end of the day, when I'm tired and have spent my time doing what I've been called to do, I want to hold someone's hand who I know loves me; even if I failed that day to do it right.

He rejoices over me...

My birthday was this past Friday, June 17th. I am a 'member' of an FB page called Knowing Christ 365. Pastor Kevin posts a verse every morning. It's become my daily verse and at times I even use it as a devotional for myself and students. On my birthday, the verse was something special to me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

This was my verse for the day I was baptized back in 1987. It seems that Jesus continually reminds me that I am strong when I am weak, that I am strong in him and my weaknesses are really there for that purpose. I used to think that I was being reminded constantly of my arrogance and how I need to lower my head and put away my pride. It felt as if Jesus was reprimanding me every time I'd find myself seeing or hearing 2 Corinthians 12:9. But it didn't this time at all.

On Friday when I read the verse I just felt incredibly known and loved. Jesus is paying attention to me and is invested in what I'm doing and feeling. He knows my past, sees what I'm dealing with now, and wants to be intimately involved in what I'm doing, thinking, deciding, and worried about. This time I read the verse and I was reminded that in times when I am inadequate for the task, overwhelmed by all the work, and under pressure to perform, that's when he's there to shine for me. It is precisely when he is most present, when I understand my own inability to measure up even to my own standards for strength.

I was reminded on my birthday that Jesus remembers me. He knows that verse is a reminder of my baptism, he knows that I am feeling weak, tired, and ineffective. I felt known, heard, loved, cherished, and consoled. The creator of the world, died for me, rose from the dead for me, and he is more than just watching me walk through my life. He is intimately involved in my life. What an awesome gift!

He wants to be intimately involved in your life too.

The Lord your God is in your midst,

    a mighty one who will save; 

he will rejoice over you with gladness; 

    he will quiet you by his love; 

he will exult over you with loud singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

It's New Year's Day... 45!

They tell me the best in life is free

And I feel spent so I guess it means that the best is mine

But it doesn’t seem so

While I’m out here confessing things

All last year got the best of me

And I’m not sure I’m ready for another go

It’s New Year’s Day

Euphoria’s gone, it’s time to move on

I have to believe we can change

When the notes come out wrong

Stop singing along

We can’t be the same old thing

It’s New Year’s Day

I’m tearing down the past years off the wall (it’s New Year’s Day)

I’m coming at you like a wrecking ball (it’s New Year’s Day)

And I think I’m gonna make it after all

It’s New Year’s Day

~Switchfoot

I did it today... my name is no longer Hankey but back to Klassen. It was so easy. I felt fine, or thought I did. But it seems each time I shed something of my marriage, there is grief. As I pulled into my driveway when I arrived home, I ended up sitting in my car and crying. Over twenty years of being Maria Hankey; getting used to signing my name that way, being called 'Mrs. Hankey' and not cringing, and identifying with a different family. Now it's just done. No fan fare. Just back to Klassen (although there are many cards, banks, companies, and organizations that now need to be notified lol). When I became a teacher back in 2009, I regretted taking on my married name; no one knew who I was anymore. All my athletic success and contacts in the school districts only knew me as Klassen. However, for most of my adult life I've been Hankey; most of my university education, my early coaching career, my children, and work history have all been done in my married name. I assume that many of my students will still call me 'Hankey' and I won't be upset, it's really not a problem. It's a part of who I am; it connects me to a family, to my children, to my past. After twenty years of a marriage that slowly deteriorated into an emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive mess, I decided to shed the name as a symbol of something new yet old. Me reborn and on a journey into what is ahead. Earlier today, I told my boyfriend that he should be writing down his journey through 15 European countries in 60 days so he has a record of where he went and what he did. So, I'm writing here again to record my journey; which I need to do more often.

Yeah, my boyfriend... never thought I'd say that again. This is what it is to be 45 and starting over.

I started this post quoting a Switchfoot song, because it captures what is in my head. There's been a lot of change and this year has punched me in the gut. As I head toward my forty-fifth birthday, I'm feeling somewhat nostalgic and reflective. It's New Year's Day for me. It's also the half way point in my One Word for 2016 journey. I haven't been much of a 'warrior' it seems, but I've been wrong before about how well I'm doing with my word choice. There's just so much in my head, so much to process! I'm feeling good again and finding that my passions are changing and what I want for my future is evolving. I read my last post from December of 2015 - Grieving my Divorce - and it's good to see that I'm moving forward from that place. My oldest son revealed to me that the changes in me are not hidden; he's feeling it, experiencing it, and he's confused. Apparently, I'm doing and saying things he never expected. "What have you done with my mother!?" LOL I have to laugh at that! I guess I thought this was all going undetected, but it's not. I'm reshaping and it's showing. I'm very excited about that! It ignites in me! Anything is possible! And that's a good thing.

I have a bunch of things to process, so hang on, it's going to be long.

The elephant in the room when it comes to money is that my ex is not paying child support and that I have gone into debt trying to legally do something about it. I'm still in the process and it won't be finished up until December, and that's just an estimate from my lawyer. The whole issue around that makes me feel stupid; like how could I let this happen? How dumb am I to have had such a negligent lawyer in the first place, let agreements be made that weren't properly prepared, and let a judge and the whole process intimidate me. I cannot fix this problem. I have to let it go... and that is the path I'm choosing. I'm letting it go. Should justice be done? Of course... but I cannot bear that burden any longer. True justice is not of this world anyway.
So, lets not talk about the elephant in the room.

I don't make a lot of money, but it will get better from here. I've never been motivated by money, or making money. Raising my kids financially on my own these past two years has however put me in the hole. I would say I worry about it, but that wouldn't be accurate. I freak out about it! But only once in a while... then I pray, go to work, get busy with life, spend money, and just live. Then I freak out again, and find myself on my knees asking God to protect me financially. I do not lose sleep over it though. If I'm honest, I don't have a real clear financial plan. I'm thankful I have a pension, an investment, a tax free savings account that actually still has money in it, good credit, a job, and parents that are willing to help me for a little while. The money I spent on taking my kids to Kauai was the best money I ever spent. I wish I had stayed longer and spent more, done more. What I am really sure of now more than ever is I want to do things. I am confident that I can find a way to make it happen. I have always been able to pay for what I need, and even what I want sometimes. I am slowly getting rid of the stuff that holds me down; I sold my house and I don't think I'll ever own property again; sold my van; sold my tent trailer; and I want to start the process of reducing everything else so that eventually I could live without most of it. At this point, my children are still the priority, so all this stuff is necessary and my debt may increase. Urgh... but it is what it is and it will come to an end. I'm glad that the goals I have are not connected to purchasing more stuff, but investing in people and experiences.

I want to teach abroad, or coach abroad. Maybe in Uganda or Ghana. Maybe head back to Asia, Taiwan in particular. It would be interesting to try and find some of the students I coached back in 1991. I wonder if I could do that? Maybe I'll go to Vietnam or the Philippines. I even thought about going to teach in Kauai... that would seriously be great... but I think I'd have trouble working in that environment lol. I want to go to Mexico and Columbia. I'd like to go to orphanages and teach, or build a house for someone who has nothing, or spend a year working in a community somewhere that needs strong leaders in education. I want to go on missions again and experience the joy and purpose of bringing spiritual hope to those who don't know Jesus. I'd like to travel to Greece and Italy, and sit on the beaches in Nice, France. I'd like to get to Australia someday. I could go to New Zealand to see my old basketball coach from Grade 8 and 9; I'm sure he'd welcome me for a visit. I used to want to travel across North American with a fifth wheel and camp all along the way. I've thought of seeing if I could join disaster relief with MCC (Mennonite Central Committee) and go where the needs are. I just want to go. At first I thought this pull to get out of here was just wanting to escape. I have reasons to want to escape. With the lack of passion I've had this year, I really just wanted to get away from everything that seemed to be stuck on repeat in my life here in BC. I know, wherever I go, there I am. I know that travelling and teaching abroad is not going to change any of my 'problems'. But I don't want to focus on them anymore. My problems are not that bad. Maybe they're more like opportunities for growth... but I'm still in a holding pattern. I'm waiting for my youngest to grow up. It's not that far away. And I'm not old. I feel pretty good too... I hope and pray that my health can hang on for another 3-5 years. As I type this I think, why wait? I should go in the summers. I should hit the road on Spring Break and Christmas Break. I should sign up for short term missions. I should fly to the Grand Canyon and take that road trip down the Oregon Coast. I think I'm going to take my future and make it now. I want to embrace things now. I started seeking experiences right where I live a long time ago through camping and hiking and I've rediscovered it lately. This summer, I'm going to go see my cousins in Seattle, go to a concert, zip line in Whistler, paddle board on Alice Lake and Cultus, hike the Grouse Grind again, kayak from Deep Cove and with Dana:), picnic at Derby Reach Park and have a fire, and discover some new hiking trails with Stephany.  I'm thankful this past year for my sister and her hubby for reminding me that I may not be able to leave the country right now, but I can enjoy the place I live, because it's pretty great. We'll have to go on a few epic city tours this July and discover the next great place to eat and drink. ;)

It's been said that I'm a good teacher, an excellent coach. I don't know who those people are, but it's been said. This year, and even last year, it seems that this is just puffed up hype so that I can keep my job. Now, I'm very aware that I'm being negative and that this kind of talk is really counter productive. Considering that my One Word for 2012 was Attitude, you'd think I'd have learned my lesson about how my negative attitude was holding me back from truly being in the zone and being happy (which was my Word for 2013 lol). But it seems its a battle that I just have to keep fighting. What I've discovered this year is that as I strive for excellence, so that I can be an accomplished teacher and a good coach, I need to work in my strengths. I do better when I collaborate, when I share my ideas, when I borrow the wisdom of others, and when I lead from my passion. My passion... that has been what I have somehow thrown a blanket on over the past year. I have felt as if I've been muffled. Stuck, tired, frustrated, ill prepared, and often lacking creativity. I've been numbing my emotions. Numbing my need for connection, for relationship, to once again be vulnerable, and it actually affected my work. While I was married, my girlfriends had become my safe place to be free without censoring myself. I am able to be vulnerable with them without fear and shame. I could do that because they never took advantage of my weakness. In my work place at the Elementary campus I had found safe people and lead from my imperfect authentic self. But in my last year teaching Grade 5, there was a shift in administration and the safety net seemingly developed some holes. I lost my safe place and the trust I'd been given by the previous principal - in my abilities to teach, deal with parents, work with students, and make decisions - diminished somewhat. Last summer, I coached two teams and the loss of my footing at work set me off and I felt completely incapable of coaching well. It was an emotional summer... but miraculously, my teams did well and the girls and I bonded and learned. As I've moved on to the High School, with a new principal and staff members to get to know, its been rough. I still haven't found my sweet spot. So, how do you get your passion back and become focused again? I thought I would try dating. As you know, it's not going to turn out well.

Dating is, well... I found this quote on Facebook... yeah, no, I'm not getting my wisdom from social media, but it was funny. So here it is... Dating after 40 is easy. It's like riding a bike. But the bike is on fire. And the ground is on fire. Everything is on fire. Because you're in hell.
Yup, that pretty much sums it up. I had been asked out by numerous men prior to my decision to check it out, but they were all bottom feeders who knew I had just left my husband and had seemingly been waiting for that to happen. I never said yes to any of them. Then this past September, I had a conversation with a young twenty something co-worker who talked about dating Apps, and so the journey began. I should have known that doing what women in their twenties are doing would be overwhelming. I got so many messages and likes and matches that I didn't have time to look at them. I ended up in ridiculous conversations with 'boys' who wanted the full cougar treatment and grown men who couldn't handle my busy schedule. I was stood up and ended up at a house party; I danced with many a dud; texted with a guy from Seattle who tried to talk to me about my daddy issues; and discovered I was one of two women being auditioned by another gentlemen. Was I on the bachelor? I found that the same struggle with boundaries around physicality existed for me even in my forties. I had only stuck my head into the dating scene for two months and I was exhausted with it. I gave it up. This of course didn't last... because through this process, although really not great, I still discovered that I really missed men and wanted to be back in connection with one. I just only wanted one. All the fun I thought I was having, I wasn't having and I didn't want any part of that whole ridiculous scene. I'm crazy, but not insane. What I learned, and thankfully pretty quickly, is what I wanted and what I didn't want. I learned that I want relationship, connection, company, sex, passion, trust, love, familiarity, support, and just enough difference that we affect one another in a positive way; and I wanted all this my way, on my schedule, with my boundaries. Seemed pretty simple on paper. I got real clear when I'd meet someone and when it became clear it wasn't what I wanted, I moved on. I lifted this up to my Jesus and hoped I wasn't being too selfish or godless about what I was doing. But I'm old and I couldn't be that pie in the sky twenty year old who thinks it will all work out when I know it doesn't. I actually didn't really think that any of this was possible. I know that love is not easy. Love is trouble, rebellious, controversial, and requires a heart of forgiveness and arms of grace. I have been deeply wounded by relationship. But I have to believe that it's still worth it to be vulnerable. I have to believe it for my children, who still have the chance to do it well. I have to believe it for myself, or I will miss out on something wonderful. I thought I could just love my students, love the athletes I coach, love my kids, love my co-workers, my family and friends, love teaching... but it seems I want more. I've prayed that I would find a way to be satisfied as a single woman. Maybe I will. In the meantime, I hope that the journey includes a lifelong connection with a man who can be truly connected to a woman who is too much for most and worth all the trouble.

My One Word for 2016, Warrior, has been on the back burner in my mind since probably February. I've been preoccupied with struggling at work and not feeling like I'm conquering. I am still taking the battle field to prayer, but I seem to daily get stuck in the mud of procrastination, negativity, and frustration. It hasn't helped that my co-workers are feeling the very same things. Teachers are terrible for complaining together instead of uplifting one another. It's not very warrior like at all and I hate complainers. I am committed at this point, with six months left in 2016, to be a warrior who tackles complaints with the sword of the spirit which is truth. A warrior who acts in faith that the plans made and the gifts given to me will be sufficient for the task. A warrior who is ready with the right equipment to take on what's ahead. I've had somewhat of an awakening in the past couple of months. A new perspective from an outside source (hmmm.... I wonder who that could be... ;) always helps. It's like this warrior has received intel on the enemy from someone on the other side of the battle. I feel like I have some new weapons and a new ally to help me get where I'm going. Full steam ahead! :)

Back to the song that I posted the lyrics for... New Year's Day. I think it touches on all the things that are glancing off me on a funny angle at this point in life. I'm confessing that it hasn't been a smooth ride and that I feel spent; yet the hope of a future is sprouting out of the chaos. I need to finish my parenting job... who am I kidding!! That's never really done. I don't want to move forward so fast, that I miss the lessons and beauty right here, right where I am and live. I'm still dismantling the past, but I have come to a better place that has a clearer view of the future. The euphoria of my new life is definitely gone, but I will get back in the zone.

I need to move on out of this reflective place because I have work to do. I think I may come back and change this or add to it later, but for now... I've got to go.

I’m tearing down the past years off the wall 

I’m coming at you like a wrecking ball

And I think I’m gonna make it after all
It's gonna be OK!
It's New Year's Day!