The peace that I have been seeking for years has come into my life. I suppose it's a peace that is circumstantial in some ways, but it is beautiful and fills my heart with joy. I am at peace in finding my new husband, my partner to walk with for the second half of life, and I'm excited to see what God will do in and through us. When I thought about my One Word choice and what impact I wanted it to have, I was cognizant of wanting peace to be inner, from Jesus, and outward towards those around me and in relationship with me. As I think about how that will play out now, I realize that there is still much to be done to keep me in the kind of peace that is not circumstantial and lasts.
My husband and I are apart the majority of the time. My friends who've been married for thirty plus years, joke about how this is the best kind of marriage. But in my newly wed state, I'm struggling to accept the very thing that I signed up for. I don't want to complain and seem ungrateful in the situation since I already knew that I was choosing it in the first place. It's temporary and it has it's perks. Our passion grows; our conversation is kept fresh; our times together always include a bit of adventure and travel; we have things to look forward too; and we aren't disrupting the lives of our children. Even so, I cannot wait for the day that we can be together the majority of the time; creating a life, patterns, friendships, a household, a joint mission in our community, and one abroad. Once we're together, how much more will we impact our children? How much more will we be able to accomplish individually, let alone together? I know that I support him now, and he supports me... but I've already seen days when all I can do is talk to him and listen, wishing I could do something more. I find that either grieving, blocking, or ruminating can steal my peace when we're apart.
Grieving
The grieving process always begins the day of departure. When we both know it's time for us to return and part ways. We talk less, we can't seem to think of something to do, and we both seem to want to sleep. Retreating into ourselves to keep the raw emotions that are at the surface from coming out. It's as if it would be easier if we could just blank it all out. Pretending it's no big deal, we talk about how long the time apart will be like it's not that bad. We focus on the small talk of weather, packing the bags, checking in with the airline, and when we should head out. Sometimes I imagine myself clinging to him in tears as he rips me off him and leaves me in the security line up at the airport; it never happens that way. I often think I'll have some amazing thing to say as I drop him off. I watch as he disappears into the building and the people inside. I never have anything profound to say; my words are always caught, swimming in emotion in my mind. I thought that it would get better, but it doesn't, it's the same every time. I blank out on the plane or the drive home. Sometimes I can pray, but usually I'm a little numb. If I have something to do right away, it's always a bit better; the wall I'm going to hit is delayed. I cry when I wake up, I struggle to shut down in the evening, I'm restless through the night seeking him in my bed and finding nothing. I exercise in order to find my joy, surround myself with work and friends, and eventually accept the rhythm of the two calls a day and the texts in between. Grief hits me when I want to share something with him or do something with him, or I just feel empty when I'm out and realize my husband should be with me.
Blocking
Sometimes to find my way through the grief I block it. I shore up myself and remember my independence and individual strength. I walk in the confidence that I am free and able to do whatever I want because I'm currently on my own. I have the best of both worlds. This was actually something I did more of in the beginning, before we got married. I had a boyfriend and I was still able to spend time with my friends, unencumbered by the weight of checking to see what he was doing, because he wasn't here. I would block my feelings of sadness and needing him by reminding myself that I don't want to be needed or to be needy. That was weakness and would ruin my relationship with him in the end anyway. I would harden my heart to go on and be 'single' and yet committed. As I was considering my vows and how my marriage affects my life now, I was struck by the faulty logic and the selfishness of this thinking and behaviour. A close friend commented that I was a strong independent woman and contrasted that with me being in a relationship. Why does being a strong independent woman conflict with being in a relationship, with being married? Is a woman really less than if she's married? I realized that even I had that faulty thinking in the recesses of my mind. I had blocked my need for my boyfriend, my fiance, because need is weakness. In doing so, I was hardening my heart for the time being, blocking the very vulnerability that allowed for connection and love to grow. Singles, know this... you're probably doing this out of fear of getting hurt, being taken advantage of, appearing to be needy, or extending love that may not be returned. Also know this, it doesn't have to be this way; and if you keep doing it and you want to have a partner, this is not how to make that happen. Vulnerability is not an option to be in relationship; and it is courageous to enter into it with someone who goes with you. I can't block anymore to deal with not being with my husband. Hardening my heart and closing down my openness even for a time is foolish and counterproductive. Blocking has to become a thing of the past. When overwhelmed with the intensity of my need, I must face it, possibly talk about it, and give it to Jesus.
Ruminating
If I don't grieve, which I usually do, or block, which I'm going to stop doing, I ruminate. I start to imagine scenarios that are not actually happening, and they're always terrible. My mind becomes filled with focusing on sadness and I get depressed. Negative thinking about my situation and how stupid it is floods my mind. I get stuck in old reels from the past that accuse me, scare me, take over my good memories, and cloud my happiness. My sin becomes ever present and the Devil accuses me. I have flashbacks that threaten my connection to my husband and arouse doubt. Ruminating is ugly and is the worst of the three states that rob my peace. I often feel attacked by Satan when I head down this path and I've had to literally ask him to leave in the name of Jesus. It's the spiritual battle part of being separated from my husband and it's strength has really surprised me. Why am I tempted to go down this road? I realize that it seems so ridiculous to choose this path, but what I think happens is, it sneaks up on me in my grief and presents itself as a better option than blocking the feelings. I have now seen it for what it is, an attack on my marriage. Even though I cannot always keep it from beginning, I am able to stop it, to change up my thinking, get busy doing something, and ask Jesus to stand guard over my thoughts.
As you read my descriptions it may seem that I am a basket case and very unstable. But these emotions and torment pass through me in moments and are often sealed up in my heart and mind. They sometimes keep me in bed for too long, cause me to isolate for a few days at home, or stop me in my tracks, but I can be thankful that they do not take over. Jesus is faithful and He is enough. I remember in the early days of being single again after my first marriage ended, I was surprised to miss being married and would fall asleep or wake up repeating to myself... Jesus is enough, Jesus is enough. It is for a different reason that I repeat that now. What a full circle moment to realize that no matter the situation, Jesus has to be enough. I am not complete in my husband, I am complete in Jesus and His plan and purpose for me will always be full until He takes me home.
I need peace that is not circumstantial to walk this journey. I know that this is God's plan, that it is not a terrible cross to bear. He has given me a gift wrapped in this particular package for a purpose. My prayer is that I will continue to allow the Lord to inform and shape my plans, guiding me to do His will whether with my husband or apart. That Jesus would bring peace where there should be none, resolution that is humanly impossible, and wisdom to see when I am taking back the reins. May my husband and I walk in the will of the most Holy, loving, one and only creator God. In Jesus name, Amen.
My husband and I are apart the majority of the time. My friends who've been married for thirty plus years, joke about how this is the best kind of marriage. But in my newly wed state, I'm struggling to accept the very thing that I signed up for. I don't want to complain and seem ungrateful in the situation since I already knew that I was choosing it in the first place. It's temporary and it has it's perks. Our passion grows; our conversation is kept fresh; our times together always include a bit of adventure and travel; we have things to look forward too; and we aren't disrupting the lives of our children. Even so, I cannot wait for the day that we can be together the majority of the time; creating a life, patterns, friendships, a household, a joint mission in our community, and one abroad. Once we're together, how much more will we impact our children? How much more will we be able to accomplish individually, let alone together? I know that I support him now, and he supports me... but I've already seen days when all I can do is talk to him and listen, wishing I could do something more. I find that either grieving, blocking, or ruminating can steal my peace when we're apart.
Grieving
The grieving process always begins the day of departure. When we both know it's time for us to return and part ways. We talk less, we can't seem to think of something to do, and we both seem to want to sleep. Retreating into ourselves to keep the raw emotions that are at the surface from coming out. It's as if it would be easier if we could just blank it all out. Pretending it's no big deal, we talk about how long the time apart will be like it's not that bad. We focus on the small talk of weather, packing the bags, checking in with the airline, and when we should head out. Sometimes I imagine myself clinging to him in tears as he rips me off him and leaves me in the security line up at the airport; it never happens that way. I often think I'll have some amazing thing to say as I drop him off. I watch as he disappears into the building and the people inside. I never have anything profound to say; my words are always caught, swimming in emotion in my mind. I thought that it would get better, but it doesn't, it's the same every time. I blank out on the plane or the drive home. Sometimes I can pray, but usually I'm a little numb. If I have something to do right away, it's always a bit better; the wall I'm going to hit is delayed. I cry when I wake up, I struggle to shut down in the evening, I'm restless through the night seeking him in my bed and finding nothing. I exercise in order to find my joy, surround myself with work and friends, and eventually accept the rhythm of the two calls a day and the texts in between. Grief hits me when I want to share something with him or do something with him, or I just feel empty when I'm out and realize my husband should be with me.
Blocking
Sometimes to find my way through the grief I block it. I shore up myself and remember my independence and individual strength. I walk in the confidence that I am free and able to do whatever I want because I'm currently on my own. I have the best of both worlds. This was actually something I did more of in the beginning, before we got married. I had a boyfriend and I was still able to spend time with my friends, unencumbered by the weight of checking to see what he was doing, because he wasn't here. I would block my feelings of sadness and needing him by reminding myself that I don't want to be needed or to be needy. That was weakness and would ruin my relationship with him in the end anyway. I would harden my heart to go on and be 'single' and yet committed. As I was considering my vows and how my marriage affects my life now, I was struck by the faulty logic and the selfishness of this thinking and behaviour. A close friend commented that I was a strong independent woman and contrasted that with me being in a relationship. Why does being a strong independent woman conflict with being in a relationship, with being married? Is a woman really less than if she's married? I realized that even I had that faulty thinking in the recesses of my mind. I had blocked my need for my boyfriend, my fiance, because need is weakness. In doing so, I was hardening my heart for the time being, blocking the very vulnerability that allowed for connection and love to grow. Singles, know this... you're probably doing this out of fear of getting hurt, being taken advantage of, appearing to be needy, or extending love that may not be returned. Also know this, it doesn't have to be this way; and if you keep doing it and you want to have a partner, this is not how to make that happen. Vulnerability is not an option to be in relationship; and it is courageous to enter into it with someone who goes with you. I can't block anymore to deal with not being with my husband. Hardening my heart and closing down my openness even for a time is foolish and counterproductive. Blocking has to become a thing of the past. When overwhelmed with the intensity of my need, I must face it, possibly talk about it, and give it to Jesus.
Ruminating
If I don't grieve, which I usually do, or block, which I'm going to stop doing, I ruminate. I start to imagine scenarios that are not actually happening, and they're always terrible. My mind becomes filled with focusing on sadness and I get depressed. Negative thinking about my situation and how stupid it is floods my mind. I get stuck in old reels from the past that accuse me, scare me, take over my good memories, and cloud my happiness. My sin becomes ever present and the Devil accuses me. I have flashbacks that threaten my connection to my husband and arouse doubt. Ruminating is ugly and is the worst of the three states that rob my peace. I often feel attacked by Satan when I head down this path and I've had to literally ask him to leave in the name of Jesus. It's the spiritual battle part of being separated from my husband and it's strength has really surprised me. Why am I tempted to go down this road? I realize that it seems so ridiculous to choose this path, but what I think happens is, it sneaks up on me in my grief and presents itself as a better option than blocking the feelings. I have now seen it for what it is, an attack on my marriage. Even though I cannot always keep it from beginning, I am able to stop it, to change up my thinking, get busy doing something, and ask Jesus to stand guard over my thoughts.
As you read my descriptions it may seem that I am a basket case and very unstable. But these emotions and torment pass through me in moments and are often sealed up in my heart and mind. They sometimes keep me in bed for too long, cause me to isolate for a few days at home, or stop me in my tracks, but I can be thankful that they do not take over. Jesus is faithful and He is enough. I remember in the early days of being single again after my first marriage ended, I was surprised to miss being married and would fall asleep or wake up repeating to myself... Jesus is enough, Jesus is enough. It is for a different reason that I repeat that now. What a full circle moment to realize that no matter the situation, Jesus has to be enough. I am not complete in my husband, I am complete in Jesus and His plan and purpose for me will always be full until He takes me home.
I need peace that is not circumstantial to walk this journey. I know that this is God's plan, that it is not a terrible cross to bear. He has given me a gift wrapped in this particular package for a purpose. My prayer is that I will continue to allow the Lord to inform and shape my plans, guiding me to do His will whether with my husband or apart. That Jesus would bring peace where there should be none, resolution that is humanly impossible, and wisdom to see when I am taking back the reins. May my husband and I walk in the will of the most Holy, loving, one and only creator God. In Jesus name, Amen.
