This all started with the notion that I would have my 'other life' neatly tucked away and accessible when I needed escape. That worked well for those two months before the trip... it was wonderful, it was exciting, it was elicit; just what this passionate girl needed. I didn't hatch this plan with much thought... no... in my typical fashion, I jumped in with two feet and took a very large bite. I am thankful for the blessing of a kind heart, gentle eyes, deep respect, adventure, and love that I found despite my haste. It is a pretty good match, the best I've had thus far.
I didn't expect what I've now received and I find myself questioning it's authenticity. I got the first message from the airport, then the next after arrival, and then more kept coming. The messages didn't stop or come less frequently, they were consistent and unwarranted; just to say goodnight or good morning. Time away has seemingly not diminished what was just budding before. And then I'm reminded of the false intimacy that online communication can create.
Doubt.
It's presence always gives me pause, and then I realize its a chance to look into things, investigate, notice any red flags, check my emotions at the door, and look at facts. Crunch the numbers as they say. It's a reminder to keep myself from morphing into 'relationship me'. She's an idiot. She listens only to desire, puts the future ahead of the present and becomes who she's not to please the moment, to smooth out the rough spots, and to keep something fresh that is well past due. Doubt brings her around; I see her now, around the corner and her ideas have started to leak into my subconscious. I hate that bitch and don't ever want to be her again. I will not edit myself. So today, I'm fleshing her out; out in the open, she doesn't stand a chance. Whatever I do from here, my eyes will be wide open and my heart on my sleeve. I want to continue to enjoy each moment and be glad it's added to my already great life.
I want my 'other life' to remain. Passion for the next time and excitement for all the moments in between are what make drinking in life taste so good. There are people to meet, family to be introduced, my chaos to meet up with his calm, schedules to deal with, and the challenges of the differences that are always more apparent as time goes on. I'm probably going to jump again, with two feet, and take a bigger bite. But I'm not going in blind. I know the choice I'm making and I know what it comes with. This is the fun part! Putting it through the fire. It's a good thing. It's time to move from just my 'other life' to coming home.
Maybe the Kevlar will work this time.
1.8.16
Warning or Wonder
I have been as a portent to many,
but you are
my strong refuge.
...
You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
will revive
me again;
from the depths of the earth
you will
bring me up again.
You will increase my greatness
and comfort
me again.
Psalm 71:7, 20-21
Portent: a sign or warning that something, especially
something momentous or calamitous, is likely to happen.
archaic
meaning: an exceptional or wonderful person or thing
I am a portent. Whether I am the portent of old or not
remains to be seen. Much of my life is a warning to my children and to those I
know; don't do what I did. I am a strong person, but I'm no fool. I know that I
could not have withstood that which has occurred in my life without Jesus who
is my rock, my saviour, my friend. I used to think that all my troubles were
caused because God was punishing me for all my sin. How did a girl with an
evangelist father grow up with that false understanding of God? It snuck in
there because I continued to sin and the devil liked me to believe it; kept me
in my bad behaviour and away from the saving grace of Jesus. That thinking
still threatens to keep me from Jesus even today. I feel that I will never be
perfect enough to receive the blessing of a renewed life where I'm brought up
again and feel the comfort of the Lord. Each sin repeated reminds me of my
distance from this future. It keeps many from him. They reject a false God, not
Jesus. The devil likes it that way. Jesus reveals that God is love. The verses
from Psalm 71 don't make sense any other way.
Now you know I believe in the devil. Life is a story
that has a villain and a saviour. The spiritual world doesn't make sense
without it. I'm not blaming the devil... evil comes from the heart - mine and
yours. Jesus said that. And we all know it's true. Who can save us from these
bodies of death? Jesus.
Maria out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)