I was going to call this post 'Conversations in the shower' but that wouldn't be accurate, as I often talk to myself in the tub; I have more baths than showers. I could have called this 'Conversations in the Car', but my commute is very short and I carpool, so I tend to not talk to myself or pray in that situation. I suppose I could have even called it 'Conversations on the trail'.... now that you know where I'm going with this, let's get on with it.
I can't remember when it was that I challenged a group of women in my Bible study to spend more time in prayer. I encouraged them to do exactly what 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says; pray without ceasing. The trick to that is recognizing that your inward thoughts and ideas, you know all those things that you say to yourself, are being heard by the living God. If that's true, why not formerly invite him into the conversation. In order to actually do what 1 Thessalonians is asking you to do, you have to be in a constant state of talking to Jesus and inviting him into your inner dialogue. This can seem exhausting or even invasive. I know that at first, it made me feel guilt for every unworthy, disgusting, lustful, angry, anxious, or rude thought that I had... and made me aware of how often I have thoughts that I wish Jesus didn't know about. I even took on the task from 2 Corinthians 5:10 that says to take every thought captive to obey Christ. Let me tell you, that is an impossible task. Well, at least Jesus is the God of the impossible... so maybe it can be done; but certainly not by me.
That challenge has definitely not left me after all these years. I still feel as if I am in constant conversation with Jesus. Forever talking to him in my mind, and then out loud in various settings. Most often, my inner dialogue and prayers become aloud when in the bath, on a walk, or on a long solo drive. I find that speaking, saying it out loud, confirms it. It solidifies my requests, my thoughts, my questions, and my complaints. I learn as I speak aloud in so many situations. I find that in prayer it is the same. When my prayers are spoken, I am then really bringing it to God in a concrete way and begin to be informed as to what His will is. It has been said - God speaks to us: our answers are our prayers.
I find that there are some things I will pray, but not pray aloud. It seems silly, because I know that Jesus hears my thoughts, sees what I imagine, and it is not different to Him if I don't utter them aloud. For me it is different. It's like I'm hiding it, or trying to hide it, if I don't speak it. Speaking it makes it real, makes it something that is out there floating in the physical world and could land on something. I know, I make it sound like words are alive; I think that they are. Words spoken are glorious, lasting imprints of someones soul that float into someone else's senses and can enlighten, lift up, praise, dismantle, tear down or shame. Words spoken in prayer is your soul lifted up to Jesus; and he can handle whatever you say... seriously, whatever you say - or think as it may be. This is a great comfort to me as I have had to tame my speech with others, tone myself down, reign in my ideas and opinions; because otherwise, I find that I have to apologize too often. Jesus is my safe place to be full out Maria, no filter required... He loves me anyway.
More often than not, as I begin to speak and say my prayers aloud, people and situations come to my mind. It is as if by verbalizing, the Holy Spirit guides me to whom to pray for. I love it when someone is constantly on my mind and I find myself in conversation with God about them for a few days or more and then they contact me, or someone tells me about a struggle they're having, or I run into them and they share a prayer request. It's like Jesus was telling me in advance, even if I didn't get the total story when I first started praying for them.
I cannot seem to close this post off with some sort of epiphany. You're just going to be left with the image of me talking to myself as I go about my day. Yes, I'm that bat shit crazy old lady who teaches PE and talks to herself as she walks down the hall, then yells "Give me 50!"
