So... thanks for listening... or reading as it may be. I'll be ok, I'm trusting not knowing or understanding... but we all are. Glad for a beautiful place to live and beautiful people to live it out with.
22.9.16
Beautiful
When in a place of trouble, I write. I ponder on my situation way too much. It seems that melancholy consumes and comforts and leads the way.
21.9.16
Needed me...
Pain can make you hard or soften your heart....
Oh Lord, please.... let these trials not harden my heart. It seems like it would be so much better to just not give a fuck.
Oh Lord, please.... let these trials not harden my heart. It seems like it would be so much better to just not give a fuck.
Needed me... Rihanna
I was good on my own, that's the way it was, that's the way
it was
You was good on the low for a faded fuck, on some faded love
Shit, what the fuck you complaining for?
Feeling jaded, huh?
Used to trip off that shit I was kickin' to you
Had some fun on the run though I give it to you
But, baby, don't get it twisted
You was just another nigga on the hit list
Tryna fix your inner issues with a bad bitch
Didn't they tell you that I was a savage?
Fuck your white horse and a carriage
Bet you never could imagine
Never told you, you could have it
You needed me
Ooh, you needed me
Feel a little more and give a little less
Know you hate to confess
But, baby, who, you needed me
You been rollin' around, shit, I'm rolling up
Light and roll it up
Break it down like a pound, shit was never us
Shit was never us
That's the real on the real. Are you serious?
How you feel, how you feel?
Used to trip off that shit I was kickin' to you
Had some fun on the run though, I give it to you
But, baby, don't get it twisted (don't get)
You was just another nigga on the hit list
Tryna fix your inner issues with a bad bitch
Didn't they tell you that I was a savage?
Fuck your white horse and a carriage
Bet you never could imagine
Never told you, you could have it
You needed me
Ooh, you needed me
To feel a little more and give a little less
Know you hate to confess
12.9.16
In The Zone
Sometimes I feel like this teaching gig is too much work (and I don't make enough money). I'll see if I can squeeze out as much as I want out of it, but I'm not sure it's 'it' for me. I feel that I haven't found my sweet spot yet. However, I had a really good day last week at work. I was doing what I do without constraint and felt myself using my gifts and abilities; it felt good to be able to be in that zone.
It's like in sport. There is a zone where the familiarity and instinct feel transcendent... like home. I remember games like that... wonderful....
It's similar to flow. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a Hungarian psychologist, recognized and named the psychological concept of flow, a highly focused mental state. I studied the concept of flow back in 2009, as I followed students around seeking to catch them in flow while learning at school. It was surprisingly difficult and I came to the conclusion that school is not very conducive for being in flow - being in the zone while at school is tough. If it's tough for students, I am now seeing how tough it is for teachers.
When I was younger, the court - basketball, volleyball - was my passion. Coaching has captured some of that now; I have a few coaching experiences where I've made all the right decisions and it turned out perfect and felt amazing. That feeling, that zone, is hard to match. So many of us struggle to find that passion, and many unfortunately, have never experienced it. As I get older, I want to create more of it not because I'm seeking the memories of my youth, but because I see how that is what will help me to maintain the ability to enjoy my work, my life, to the fullest.
I have found many alternate places where I am in the zone; paddle boarding, kayaking, hiking, swimming in a lake, prayer, singing, listening to music, dancing, camping, staring up at the moon and the stars, coaching (especially with my partner Jen Farano), teaching (in the right conditions), a good glass of wine, spending time with friends in my favourite places, and working collaboratively with others.
I am seeking to find more opportunities to be in the zone and experience flow. I'm on a journey to let all else fall away that keeps me from it. I feel like it is a Kingdom pursuit; seeking to bring more of the Kingdom of Heaven here; live the life that Jesus has set aside for me. Seeking to work in that transcendent place where I am home. Not because it's easy all the time, but because its in that place I can feel His pleasure.
*some of the words in this blog were borrowed from a wise man who is also on a journey to find his way back to his zone of passion and flow.
It's like in sport. There is a zone where the familiarity and instinct feel transcendent... like home. I remember games like that... wonderful....
It's similar to flow. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a Hungarian psychologist, recognized and named the psychological concept of flow, a highly focused mental state. I studied the concept of flow back in 2009, as I followed students around seeking to catch them in flow while learning at school. It was surprisingly difficult and I came to the conclusion that school is not very conducive for being in flow - being in the zone while at school is tough. If it's tough for students, I am now seeing how tough it is for teachers.
When I was younger, the court - basketball, volleyball - was my passion. Coaching has captured some of that now; I have a few coaching experiences where I've made all the right decisions and it turned out perfect and felt amazing. That feeling, that zone, is hard to match. So many of us struggle to find that passion, and many unfortunately, have never experienced it. As I get older, I want to create more of it not because I'm seeking the memories of my youth, but because I see how that is what will help me to maintain the ability to enjoy my work, my life, to the fullest.
I have found many alternate places where I am in the zone; paddle boarding, kayaking, hiking, swimming in a lake, prayer, singing, listening to music, dancing, camping, staring up at the moon and the stars, coaching (especially with my partner Jen Farano), teaching (in the right conditions), a good glass of wine, spending time with friends in my favourite places, and working collaboratively with others.
I am seeking to find more opportunities to be in the zone and experience flow. I'm on a journey to let all else fall away that keeps me from it. I feel like it is a Kingdom pursuit; seeking to bring more of the Kingdom of Heaven here; live the life that Jesus has set aside for me. Seeking to work in that transcendent place where I am home. Not because it's easy all the time, but because its in that place I can feel His pleasure.
*some of the words in this blog were borrowed from a wise man who is also on a journey to find his way back to his zone of passion and flow.
Sad
I'm so fucking sad it's unbelievable. My stomach hurts and my eyes are heavy. I find myself crying, whenever no one is around. My mind wanders back and I analyze conversations, interactions, texts, the way he looked at me, all the things we did. I think about the time that went by, the anticipation I felt for the next time I saw him, the things I learned, the connection that was so strong... seemed so strong... it's all just sad. All my troubles and woes seem bigger and harder to carry today. It's like I can't do it anymore and yet I am. It's a beautiful sadness that fills me and consumes my insides.
I'm also fucking mad.... it's a strange thing. I jumped again, with two feet, and took a bigger bite; just like I said I would. I knew what I was doing... and I thought it was the fun part! I put it through the fire and the Kevlar didn't work; I've been burned and it hurts. How mad I am rises up and screams... but then my sadness engulfs the anger and I'm crying. It's a good thing. It means my heart can love again. It means that I can be vulnerable and open; risk being known with no guarantees. I don't regret a single moment of it. It was glorious.
I am embracing how bad this feels because I refuse to numb myself. I cannot numb what is unpleasant or I'll miss the exhilaration of joy, love, sex, nature, exercise, good food and wine, my kids, family, and relationships. I don't want to miss any of it. I want to grow and change, seek and find, and do this better the next time. It sucks that it's over... but I think that it's the right thing. I know it's the right thing, but I want it back. I don't have to make anything work that isn't. It's confusing... everything feels heavier.
Thank God this will end.... and I'll look back and realize how much I've learned... and smile :)
I'm also fucking mad.... it's a strange thing. I jumped again, with two feet, and took a bigger bite; just like I said I would. I knew what I was doing... and I thought it was the fun part! I put it through the fire and the Kevlar didn't work; I've been burned and it hurts. How mad I am rises up and screams... but then my sadness engulfs the anger and I'm crying. It's a good thing. It means my heart can love again. It means that I can be vulnerable and open; risk being known with no guarantees. I don't regret a single moment of it. It was glorious.
I am embracing how bad this feels because I refuse to numb myself. I cannot numb what is unpleasant or I'll miss the exhilaration of joy, love, sex, nature, exercise, good food and wine, my kids, family, and relationships. I don't want to miss any of it. I want to grow and change, seek and find, and do this better the next time. It sucks that it's over... but I think that it's the right thing. I know it's the right thing, but I want it back. I don't have to make anything work that isn't. It's confusing... everything feels heavier.
Thank God this will end.... and I'll look back and realize how much I've learned... and smile :)
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now
You're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
...
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass it's just a moment
This time will pass
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