I'm going to share this because I've been working on it for over a month. I had felt I had no resolution... but today, on Easter Sunday, while I celebrate the resurrection, I'm reminded of the victory in which I live!
Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1 John 4:8
Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations
Deuteronomy 7:9
Who is a God like you, pardoning iniquity
and passing over transgression
for the remnant of his inheritance?
He does not retain his anger forever,
because he delights in steadfast love.
Micah 7:18
Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so...
There are many verses in scripture that describe God as being the embodiment of love. His love fully expressed in the person of Jesus Christ; his death and resurrection securing yours and my salvation so that we might experience His love in relationship with Him. But...
I get really caught up on the obey Him part; not that obedience is irrelevant, because I don't believe that. Of course, if I love God back, if I love Jesus, I will follow Him; and that looks like doing what He commands, which is obedience. Even non-believers in Christ know that. Sometimes though, I get so caught up in obedience, that I don't trust that he loves me and has forgiven me. The lie that I buy regularly, is that my life is a reflection of my sin, both hidden and public, and God's punishment for all that I've done in disobedience. My dad has said repeatedly that God's love and grace for you is always 100%, your forgiveness always places you fully in God's will, and you experience 100% of his plan for you when you have a repentant heart no matter what you've done. I struggle with the reality of this claim. It causes me to think that your forgiveness means that the happiness, success, and wealth you're seeking will come to fruition because that's how God works. Life however is not always smooth and easy. Natural consequences of mistakes made, sins committed, and opportunities not taken will affect your every day. God's will must take that into account, and I believe it does; but we're stupid, or I'm stupid, and don't always remember that. I assume the train wreck of my lost potential, opportunities, and success is because I'm not in God's will and he's punishing me for my insubordination and stubborn disobedience.
Let's face it, I should know better about how to be obedient and what is required of me. I have been surrounded by God's Word; taught by wise mentors; guided along with others in community; given opportunity to serve; grown in my knowledge of the Bible: been disciplined to pray and read and follow; taught others; spread the Gospel; and given gifts by God to edify others. Yet I fall. I choose my own way, I interpret God's laws for my own pleasure, and waste the gifts I've been given. I have no trouble finding fault in myself. The human condition is that we are but dust and our efforts are not perfect. I guess I am legalistic with myself. I know that I am forgiven and yet I expect more of myself and to my shame I don't fully accept God's grace, thinking that I can somehow do something or should've done something to better earn God's love and attention.
Here's how this erroneous thinking works in my head and heart. It starts with pride. I arrogantly look at my life and count all my righteous works and knowledge, and I start to think that it seems that God is truly not keeping his end of the deal. Then, I turn on myself. I'll give Him the time I failed to be a successful basketball player and make the national team; I had been a bad ambassador for Jesus since my baptism. I didn't deserve the earthly glory of that. I suppose I can even understand that the failure of my first marriage is related to not choosing very wisely; add an obsession with sex, that at the time, was completely out of control and led to an unplanned pregnancy and you've got a disaster. God didn't bless that relationship because of my sin. I suppose even now, God's' disdain for divorce has me smack in the middle of a life of disobedience. My lack of financial security, the injustice of my divorce settlement, the lasting impact of abuse on both myself and my children, and the current job dissatisfaction I'm experiencing could all be due to God's punishment for my past sins. This kind of thinking absolves me from taking responsibility for my actions, and believes that God doesn't truly love or forgive me. Its a HUGE lie, and yet I have it there, in my heart, and it niggles at me and tears me down.
This all sounds awful and like I believe in a God that is cruel and doesn't keep his promises. I understand God's character, and yet these are the lies I live with on a daily basis. I have recently realized how bad this habit really is in my life. It's a huge hidden struggle that I am plagued with. It dulls my joy and it causes me to miss the voice of the Spirit because I'm trying to decipher what is from Him and what is not. Since I know that the job of the Holy Spirit is to convict us of sin, I find that I rarely question my feelings of guilt and immediately jump to the belief that I am being convicted, even if it really isn't lining up with God's word and character at all. I expect perfection of myself, but lack the discipline to actually produce it, throwing myself into a cycle of believing that God's blessing in my life is removed because I repeatedly don't obey and don't trust.
What exactly is the lie? The lie is... that God doesn't love me and that he punishes me even after his forgiveness is given and that he punishes me for things that are not my sins, things that are not my fault. I've named it; it comes in different forms, but essentially that's it. It's easy for me to believe it for three reasons; first, the Bible puts obedience and love in the same sentence all the time. To show God I love him, I am to obey his commandments. I don't do that, not perfectly. I'm a sinner. So, Satan gets me on that. Secondly, the full blessing of God often seems missing from my life. My life has been hard, for a white girl in middle class Canadian society; I have first world problems. I must have fucked up something... or I'm just slightly cursed. And then there's forgiveness...Matthew 6:14-15 says... For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. That's conditional. I must forgive. I ask myself if God can forgive me of my 'unforgiveness'? I wonder what forgiveness is supposed to look like and if I'm doing it right. Satan wants me to believe that there's no way I'll ever have God's forgiveness because I am struggling with working out forgiveness in my life and how to apply what I've been given to others. Out of this, I easily jump to putting God's love in the conditional category.
Here's what I know, the lie is a lie, and so are the reasons I believe the lie. It's all lies, from the father of lies.
A song, an image from one of my students journals, the practice of prayer with my fiance, a video on grief, and a sermon have pointed the way out of this crippling lie in my soul.
A song
Hidden, a worship song, begins with a verse that describes how I grew in my faith in Jesus. It goes like this...
There was One, when I was young
Who knew my heart, He knew my sorrow
He held my hand, and He led me to trust Him
Now I am here in the safety of your love
I trust your heart and your intentions
Trust you completely, I'm listening intently
You guide me through these many shadows.
It goes on to say that as we grow and change, we grow in love for Him. My love for God should grow. My love for Jesus should grow; but is that happening? Jesus has walked with me in my darkest moments and never left. No matter what filthy thing I have allowed to enter into my life, he has known me, seen my sorrow and held my hand... and I do trust Him. So, why am I struggling with these lies that he doesn't love me? Lies that his forgiveness is removed from me? I bathed myself in this song for weeks... I'm still listening to it on repeat. My love for Jesus is being stifled because I am suffocating it with lies. I can trust his intentions, because he does love me.
An image
In the journal writing of one of my Christian Studies students was a word picture image that called me to task on the lies I was believing. It contrasts what God does and what Satan does. I printed it out and plastered it up in places where I would be reminded of it daily.
The practice of prayer with my fiance
I pray almost daily with my fiance. It was hard for me at first. I struggled to be that open. I know... that seems like it isn't me... but prayer is an intimate discussion with God and I feared he'd see or hear something in my prayers that would make him run to the hills. When we started praying together, we were only dating and long distance too, I was very nervous about the whole thing; which is really ridiculous when I think about it now. I was missing the whole point of praying with another believer by focusing on my insecurities and not recognizing the power of two people coming together to petition and seek wisdom from the creator. I have learned and grown so much from praying with him. He regularly states in his prayers, "we love you Lord" or "I love you Lord". I was so convicted by that at first, but not in a good way. It fed into the lies that I was believing. I began to beat myself up for not loving God and thinking that no blessings would come my way because I didn't love enough. Add that to my disobedience, I was undone. The more I heard him pray those words, God used them to soothe me and not to condemn. Now when I hear him say it in prayer it washes over me as restoration, like when Jesus asked Peter if he loved him (John 21). Peter finally says, "Lord, you know everything...". And that's it, He does know everything. He knows the limitations of my love, he knows that it's depth can waiver, he knows that I need Him... He loved me first, and I'm so glad He did. ... but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
A video on grief
I stumbled across a brief video message by John Piper about grief and God's blessing in your life. I have found myself repeating the lesson to so many people. I've given it to my dad, my children, and a friend or two to comfort them in their struggle with a life that sometimes doesn't turn out how you planned. It's not all horrible and God isn't withholding anything good from you or me. He has given me a life that is amazing and beautiful in it's own messy way. Why would I ever change that!? I've been walking with the Holy Spirit and Jesus in me since I was just five years old! How amazing is that!? In the end, I have so much that I didn't earn or deserve.
For the LORD God is a sun and a shield:
The LORD bestows favour and honour.
No good thing does he withhold
From those who walk uprightly.
Psalm 84:11
A sermon
Today is Easter Sunday. Church was filled with joy, even a little dancing... and the dancing was mostly me. :) Today the text was from Revelation 12... and we focused on verses 13-17, a description of the spiritual drama that we are currently now living in here on this earth. It gives a reason for why we still struggle with evil and why this struggle is directed at followers of Christ. Satan has made war with mankind and in particular with those who hold to the testimony of Jesus. Most of us pay no attention to the spiritual dimension and our focus in on the physical and political dimension that is swirling around us and pretty hard to see through. I don't want to preach the whole sermon all over again, I don't think I could really. What we need are Revelation glasses that enables us to see the world and our situation as it truly is. We don't live in uncertain or confusing times. In light of Jesus on the thrown, death defeated because of the cross and the resurrection, the words 'it is finished', hold deep meaning for you to live a life that is full now and into eternity. Satan's war is already over and he knows it. He just wants to screw up eternity for as many people as he can until Jesus comes back. We are living in the day of salvation; the time between the resurrection of Christ and his second coming (2 Corinthians 6:2). This is when we are living under God's grace and Satan's attack all at the same time. I have the choice to believe the lies that God doesn't love me, that he is out to punish, that my sin isn't covered by the blood on the cross, that my struggle to forgive others is futile, and that I can never love Jesus back enough. Today, I choose to accept the free gift all over again. I will need to allow the Holy Spirit to take captive all the thoughts that come against the knowledge of God (2 Corinthians 10:5). And what is the knowledge of God? It is that he is love. That he loved the world. That he loves me. And he loves you.
