How can I talk about this without betraying myself, my husband, and the redeeming grace that Jesus has worked in my life? I'm going to do my best for two reasons; my choices around sex have marked my life and still haunt me, and because our culture is hinging identity and meaning on sexuality in an unbalanced way. It is not lost on me that as a white heterosexual Christian woman, I am sheltered, with little to no struggles with my sexuality as it doesn't come up against the culture or my faith. Even my sexual sin falls under the norms of sexual behaviour, if I can even say that. Over the past decade I have grown a heart for those who are struggling for wholeness in their sexuality. Whether it be identity or behaviour, we all have to wrestle with sex and who we are, who we want to be, our desires versus what we ought to do, and how our choices will affect those around us and those we interact with. Our sexual identity is the most intimate part of our being. Sharing it with someone else will always be a soul giving or destroying experience and so we must not be cavalier with it. And yet we are, and yet I have been.
Beginnings
I can remember being interested in my sexuality as a nine and ten year old. I would listen to my parents having sex, even pressing my ear up against the wall inside my closet to hear better. I began experimenting with masturbation before I was eleven. I have never gotten into pornography. When I was young, there was no internet and I had no access to magazines of that type, nor did I seek it. Pornography didn't line up with what I thought about connecting sexually with someone, and it still doesn't. Sex was not a taboo subject in my home growing up. My mother is a nurse and taught me about my body, encouraging me to understand how it works and what and where all the parts were. I grew to understand that sex was sacred, deserved my careful consideration, and that it's rightful place was a venue for pleasure between a man and woman in marriage. I knew that God had ordained it to create life; but the aspect of it being for pleasure, to unite a man and a woman, and that God made it that way, was also impressed upon me. I have had many conversations with my dad as well; about sex, orgasm, and even menstruation (yeah, my dad was my coach... so we talked about everything). Even as I grew up and started to seek sexual pleasure with boys, I knew I was going outside what I thought was right. My desire for the physical pleasures of sexual activity was very strong, and often overrode my beliefs about its sacred nature and what God had commanded. I also discovered that sexual desire gave me a little bit of power. As I matured, it was clear to me that I could manipulate boys very easily by withholding or giving them what they wanted. It's strange that even though I was seeking connection and commitment, I used sex this way for a number of years.
In the middle
Because I started so early with physical touch with boys, my boundaries were very unclear to me and to boys. I had set it up that it was not a problem to touch me, even if you weren't my boyfriend. By the time I was in grade seven, everyone knew that there was one boy who I liked, Noel. He was mine and I was his. I remember girls even asking me if it was OK to date him - like we even knew what that was. Noel would often go steady with another girl, but she would ask my permission. I fooled around with other boys, but I never went out with anyone else. This went on for three years, until I moved away. I had been living in Alberta for a period of six years, (age nine to fifteen), in a small town. We moved to what I considered the big city, Vancouver, BC. Everything changed. I was a bit thrown off by the move as my notoriety and prowess in both athletics, friendships, and with boys was nothing in this new place, and I had to start over. For the final three years of high school, life was different and I behaved very differently around sexuality. I basically got scared. I realized the path I had been going down and decided that I better make some changes or I'd end up doing things that I didn't want to and get into the kind of trouble that I really didn't want for my life. I became very focused on school and basketball. My goals to play in University and on the Canadian National Team took over. I dedicated my life to Christ and got baptized in the first year after the move. I had managed to change my direction and stayed out of trouble, in all areas. Until my high school sweetheart in grade twelve...
With the protection of a committed relationship with a Christian boy, I was back in action. He was the complete opposite of me; a musician, short, a dancer, an actor, and extremely funny. He went to a different school in a completely different community, and I only saw him on weekends when I wasn't playing basketball. It was kind of perfect. I liked how it gave my relationship natural boundaries. However, very quickly, the physical became an overriding factor between us. I was playful and lured him in all the time, because I trusted him. We experimented a lot in that year. I still don't know how we never actually had sexual intercourse. I don't think I can say that it was because God didn't want us too, but I'm glad I didn't. It's important to note here, that any form of sexual experience, whether full intercourse or something other, is an intimate act. You cannot avoid the connection that sexual experiences with someone creates. God made it that way on purpose. When the relationship ended after graduation in a very abrupt way, what I experienced with him sent me back down the path I had thought I had shut off two years prior. I left for university on Vancouver Island, at the University of Victoria where I had a full scholarship to play basketball. Within the span of my first year living in the dorms on campus, I went back to seeking physical connections, but with no relationship attached to them. After I hurt the feelings of one boy in particular, he yelled at me stating that I was a slut and a tease; and what the hell was I saving my virginity for anyway. He was right... or at least I thought he was. I decided that all the sexual fooling around was silly, I was either going all the way or I was just a tease. I ended up in a very brief relationship with a boy in my dorm and decided this was it, time to end the withholding. It was very disappointing. I ended the relationship shortly afterwards as I realized I had made a mistake; not because I had finally had intercourse, but because he sucked at it. Even as I type this now, I see how all my steps along the way had already hardened and seared my heart. I had changed. Sex wasn't sacred to me anymore; and it wouldn't be for a long time.
Over the two years that I went to that school, I completely walked away from my relationship with Jesus and chose to seek pleasure instead. I was frustrated that I couldn't be successful academically or athletically. All my teammates were fooling around and they still found success. But my ability and talent were not the problem. I was living in dissonance to my beliefs and God was not going to allow one of his children to go that easily. I never thought I was being mean back then, but I was using these guys for my own purposes and pleasure. Dinners out, concerts, movies, drinks at the bar, one night stands, a ride home; I could get just about anything. By the end of the first year, I found my new Noel, and was back in the strange set up of being attached but not committed. It became a sport for him and I to see how many guys at the bar I could get to buy me a drink. He once brought a friend over so I could have sex with his friend, since he and I never had full intercourse. It was a soul destroying relationship that I didn't recognize as such for almost a full three years of my life. My boundaries were eroding at a very fast pace. I remember moments looking at myself in the mirror and not recognizing my own reflection. Sometimes staring back at me would be what I can only describe as the Spirit, piercing right through my eyes... just pleading with me, softly. I would go to church and sit in the back, crying in shame because of what I was doing. I felt I couldn't go back, I was stuck; this was who I was now. Although I was inwardly struggling, I defended my behaviour, down played the damage I was doing to myself and others, and flaunted my sexual power.
The beginning of the change
My two years at UVIC finally ended and although I know I cannot blame my failure there entirely on walking away from my relationship with Jesus, it is the only reason that matters. I decided to make a big change; I went with Athletes in Action to Taiwan to coach basketball for the summer. It was an amazing experience and I have had coaching in my blood ever since. God showed me that summer that even a sexually dysfunctional sinner could be used again by him. And I could find healing, change my behaviour, and be made new. I was still struggling with old behaviours and went through some cycles of acting out and repenting, but in just over a year, I had walked away from it all. Around that time, a young adults pastor spoke into my life. He called me into leadership, reminding me that I had been given much and much was expected. At first that frustrated and angered me, but as the years have gone on, that call has never left me. With God's grace and mercy, I've been able to embrace it's responsibilities.
It was the beginning of change because within three years, while I was working, going to school, and leading in youth ministry at my church, I got pregnant. Sex was still causing me to stumble, I had just found another place to live it out. I didn't know it then, but I made a mistake in choosing my first husband because I had not placed my sexual desires in Jesus' hands. I was still fully in control. I was married when I was almost four months along and then proceeded to live like that sin defined me for the next six years. But once I was able to move past that and see God's grace for me, my relationship with Jesus deepened. In my twenties, as I had two more children, finished my degree, and worked as a youth worker, I dove into scripture. I fell in love with God's word and couldn't get enough. I led women's Bible study at two different churches for the next eighteen years, started a business with my ex, and went back to school to become a teacher. Jesus walked with me and kept his promises to me in the midst of what was a difficult marriage from the beginning. I was convinced that if we just grew up, followed hard after Jesus, and stuck with the church family that was supporting us and had forgiven and restored me, we would make it. There is so much to say and explain about that relationship, but for the sake of this post, I'll stick with what fits this topic. I remember I experienced a level of sexual healing after marriage as I finally felt that my sexual desires and expression of them were not wrong. I was married and could have sex as much as I wanted. That was very freeing for me. However, this was short lived. My first husband was a porn addict. He was before we got married, and I didn't know. He continued with that our entire marriage; through counseling, accountability groups, separation, and marital decline. I was not a sexual prude and even tried to include it in our sexual experiences, only to find myself feeling violated and degraded. Throughout those years, I would often struggle with guilt from my past and even began to feel that this awful marriage was God's punishment, my consequence for my frivolous, careless use of sexual intimacy. I often thought I deserved it. It was many years into the marriage before I was able to name what was happening in my relationship, it was abuse. My ex was an emotional abuser that was willing to use anything to get what he wanted; physical violence, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, psychological and spiritual abuse - it seemed nothing was off limits. When I discovered that he was having an affair, and later learned there had been two others, I finally felt God's blessing to walk away.
Healing
In the four years since I walked out - or actually kicked my ex out - I have found myself on the path to true healing. What is surprising is that it hasn't been without it's pitfalls. I was not interested in another relationship for the first two years of being single again. I learned to once again find that Jesus is enough. There were nights when I would repeat that to myself while a lay alone in bed. Jesus comforted me and I truly believed and knew that I could carry on alone if that was his call on my life. God used that time to close some sexual wounds that I had left unattended. As time passed, I began to miss male companionship and if I'm honest, I missed sex. After everything I'd been through, I still wanted that connection in my life. I was somewhat shocked when I first entered the dating world and how easily I fell into twenty five year old patterns. I once again sinned, taking my sexual desires in my own hands and trying to include them in a cavalier, non committed way. Seriously, you'd think I'd learned nothing. I repented and turned much quicker in my old age. Jesus is so patient and gracious and forgiving! Just over a year ago, I got serious and prayed for a husband. I laid it all out there, exactly what I wanted. I cried, I begged, and then I said... I'll do it your way. And God was gracious even in my prayer as he has shown me incredible mercy even as I've stumbled along since that prayer. Today, I have a wonderful husband whom I can only describe as the man God chose for me. I still, sometimes, find myself lamenting that I didn't wait properly. I sometimes wish I'd met him sooner, before I made so many blunders. I am sometimes haunted by my past in dreams and flashes of memories. But Jesus is gracious to me. I don't talk about this much, because it's hard. The wounds are sometimes right at the surface and I want to hide them. I hope to be more open as time goes on. The healing that I am experiencing is sexual in so many ways, and yet it seems like that doesn't even put it in the right category. It is an emotional, spiritual, sexual healing that God has chosen to guide me through in relationship with this wonderful man. God is so good.
So what?
So why did I tell you that whole story? Why does it matter? Would you look at this story differently if I had relayed the same story as a lesbian, or my struggle with my gender? Would my sin suddenly be different? Would you be able to see my struggle with sexuality as the same as yours? Would my cycles of sin and repentance no longer garnish your grace? Our sexual experiences change us; they mark who we are whether we want them to or not. If we are abused sexually it can scar us for a very long time if not forever. Every experience we have shapes our desires and future choices, they develop patterns that we can either become enslaved to or master. We can become needy, afraid of intimacy, or tyrants because of the eroding of the sacredness that is embedded in sexual intimacy. The power that sexuality holds can be misused and abused by both men and women. Although I believe that our culture is hinging identity and meaning on sexuality in an unbalanced way, I completely understand why. God made us sexual beings. The under pinning's of our desires, likes, and dislikes begin so early in our lives, before we even see them as affecting our sexual identities. It's so important to give people room, to show them love as they walk through their particular story. The Bible is clear about where God stands when it comes to sex. It's dishonest to try and say or prove otherwise. Yet, we have all sinned and fall short, even if it's not the same as you. I'm not good at obeying before I understand. I'm not good at obeying when it means I don't get something I want. I need to remember that most everyone else feels the same way. The Kingdom is not made up of a homogeneous group of people and if we are going to reflect love and light, we have to stop demonizing the marginal, we have to stop placing ourselves above those who've sexually sinned differently than us. The rub is, how do we call people to obedience to God's way, when we've been so duplicitous about what sexual sin is all this time? I'll admit, I want to do it my way and my sexual expression has been one of the hardest things in my life to give over to Jesus. I have failed to do it God's way, over and over. Because I know this, I hope I can be gracious to everyone who also wants to hang onto their autonomy on this one; especially if God's way is coming up against their very identity. I hope that when given the opportunity, I can walk with someone and restore them as they cycle through sin and repentance; praying that they will find that God is gracious to them.
"... do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
And such were some of you.
But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
1 Corinthians 6:9-11
And such was I...
12.10.17
12.8.17
Peace
My One Word for 2017 is peace. I have not thought about it for a couple of months or more. Back in June, I had my students revisit their One Words and think about how God was using it to shape them and help them to grow. However, I didn't do the exercise myself, and I should have. I was busy finishing up my school year, writing reports, preparing my household for my absence, and getting ready to be on vacation. My mind was far away in the anticipation of my wedding day and honeymoon... it was really all I could think about. That day has come and gone, and what a wonderful day it was; we couldn't have planned it better, because we didn't. It was all God. The vacation was experienced, savoured, and logged into memory, and I have been left pondering the wonder of it all. Maybe I'll write about it someday, but for now... it's locked in my heart.
The peace that I have been seeking for years has come into my life. I suppose it's a peace that is circumstantial in some ways, but it is beautiful and fills my heart with joy. I am at peace in finding my new husband, my partner to walk with for the second half of life, and I'm excited to see what God will do in and through us. When I thought about my One Word choice and what impact I wanted it to have, I was cognizant of wanting peace to be inner, from Jesus, and outward towards those around me and in relationship with me. As I think about how that will play out now, I realize that there is still much to be done to keep me in the kind of peace that is not circumstantial and lasts.
My husband and I are apart the majority of the time. My friends who've been married for thirty plus years, joke about how this is the best kind of marriage. But in my newly wed state, I'm struggling to accept the very thing that I signed up for. I don't want to complain and seem ungrateful in the situation since I already knew that I was choosing it in the first place. It's temporary and it has it's perks. Our passion grows; our conversation is kept fresh; our times together always include a bit of adventure and travel; we have things to look forward too; and we aren't disrupting the lives of our children. Even so, I cannot wait for the day that we can be together the majority of the time; creating a life, patterns, friendships, a household, a joint mission in our community, and one abroad. Once we're together, how much more will we impact our children? How much more will we be able to accomplish individually, let alone together? I know that I support him now, and he supports me... but I've already seen days when all I can do is talk to him and listen, wishing I could do something more. I find that either grieving, blocking, or ruminating can steal my peace when we're apart.
Grieving
The grieving process always begins the day of departure. When we both know it's time for us to return and part ways. We talk less, we can't seem to think of something to do, and we both seem to want to sleep. Retreating into ourselves to keep the raw emotions that are at the surface from coming out. It's as if it would be easier if we could just blank it all out. Pretending it's no big deal, we talk about how long the time apart will be like it's not that bad. We focus on the small talk of weather, packing the bags, checking in with the airline, and when we should head out. Sometimes I imagine myself clinging to him in tears as he rips me off him and leaves me in the security line up at the airport; it never happens that way. I often think I'll have some amazing thing to say as I drop him off. I watch as he disappears into the building and the people inside. I never have anything profound to say; my words are always caught, swimming in emotion in my mind. I thought that it would get better, but it doesn't, it's the same every time. I blank out on the plane or the drive home. Sometimes I can pray, but usually I'm a little numb. If I have something to do right away, it's always a bit better; the wall I'm going to hit is delayed. I cry when I wake up, I struggle to shut down in the evening, I'm restless through the night seeking him in my bed and finding nothing. I exercise in order to find my joy, surround myself with work and friends, and eventually accept the rhythm of the two calls a day and the texts in between. Grief hits me when I want to share something with him or do something with him, or I just feel empty when I'm out and realize my husband should be with me.
Blocking
Sometimes to find my way through the grief I block it. I shore up myself and remember my independence and individual strength. I walk in the confidence that I am free and able to do whatever I want because I'm currently on my own. I have the best of both worlds. This was actually something I did more of in the beginning, before we got married. I had a boyfriend and I was still able to spend time with my friends, unencumbered by the weight of checking to see what he was doing, because he wasn't here. I would block my feelings of sadness and needing him by reminding myself that I don't want to be needed or to be needy. That was weakness and would ruin my relationship with him in the end anyway. I would harden my heart to go on and be 'single' and yet committed. As I was considering my vows and how my marriage affects my life now, I was struck by the faulty logic and the selfishness of this thinking and behaviour. A close friend commented that I was a strong independent woman and contrasted that with me being in a relationship. Why does being a strong independent woman conflict with being in a relationship, with being married? Is a woman really less than if she's married? I realized that even I had that faulty thinking in the recesses of my mind. I had blocked my need for my boyfriend, my fiance, because need is weakness. In doing so, I was hardening my heart for the time being, blocking the very vulnerability that allowed for connection and love to grow. Singles, know this... you're probably doing this out of fear of getting hurt, being taken advantage of, appearing to be needy, or extending love that may not be returned. Also know this, it doesn't have to be this way; and if you keep doing it and you want to have a partner, this is not how to make that happen. Vulnerability is not an option to be in relationship; and it is courageous to enter into it with someone who goes with you. I can't block anymore to deal with not being with my husband. Hardening my heart and closing down my openness even for a time is foolish and counterproductive. Blocking has to become a thing of the past. When overwhelmed with the intensity of my need, I must face it, possibly talk about it, and give it to Jesus.
Ruminating
If I don't grieve, which I usually do, or block, which I'm going to stop doing, I ruminate. I start to imagine scenarios that are not actually happening, and they're always terrible. My mind becomes filled with focusing on sadness and I get depressed. Negative thinking about my situation and how stupid it is floods my mind. I get stuck in old reels from the past that accuse me, scare me, take over my good memories, and cloud my happiness. My sin becomes ever present and the Devil accuses me. I have flashbacks that threaten my connection to my husband and arouse doubt. Ruminating is ugly and is the worst of the three states that rob my peace. I often feel attacked by Satan when I head down this path and I've had to literally ask him to leave in the name of Jesus. It's the spiritual battle part of being separated from my husband and it's strength has really surprised me. Why am I tempted to go down this road? I realize that it seems so ridiculous to choose this path, but what I think happens is, it sneaks up on me in my grief and presents itself as a better option than blocking the feelings. I have now seen it for what it is, an attack on my marriage. Even though I cannot always keep it from beginning, I am able to stop it, to change up my thinking, get busy doing something, and ask Jesus to stand guard over my thoughts.
As you read my descriptions it may seem that I am a basket case and very unstable. But these emotions and torment pass through me in moments and are often sealed up in my heart and mind. They sometimes keep me in bed for too long, cause me to isolate for a few days at home, or stop me in my tracks, but I can be thankful that they do not take over. Jesus is faithful and He is enough. I remember in the early days of being single again after my first marriage ended, I was surprised to miss being married and would fall asleep or wake up repeating to myself... Jesus is enough, Jesus is enough. It is for a different reason that I repeat that now. What a full circle moment to realize that no matter the situation, Jesus has to be enough. I am not complete in my husband, I am complete in Jesus and His plan and purpose for me will always be full until He takes me home.
I need peace that is not circumstantial to walk this journey. I know that this is God's plan, that it is not a terrible cross to bear. He has given me a gift wrapped in this particular package for a purpose. My prayer is that I will continue to allow the Lord to inform and shape my plans, guiding me to do His will whether with my husband or apart. That Jesus would bring peace where there should be none, resolution that is humanly impossible, and wisdom to see when I am taking back the reins. May my husband and I walk in the will of the most Holy, loving, one and only creator God. In Jesus name, Amen.
My husband and I are apart the majority of the time. My friends who've been married for thirty plus years, joke about how this is the best kind of marriage. But in my newly wed state, I'm struggling to accept the very thing that I signed up for. I don't want to complain and seem ungrateful in the situation since I already knew that I was choosing it in the first place. It's temporary and it has it's perks. Our passion grows; our conversation is kept fresh; our times together always include a bit of adventure and travel; we have things to look forward too; and we aren't disrupting the lives of our children. Even so, I cannot wait for the day that we can be together the majority of the time; creating a life, patterns, friendships, a household, a joint mission in our community, and one abroad. Once we're together, how much more will we impact our children? How much more will we be able to accomplish individually, let alone together? I know that I support him now, and he supports me... but I've already seen days when all I can do is talk to him and listen, wishing I could do something more. I find that either grieving, blocking, or ruminating can steal my peace when we're apart.
Grieving
The grieving process always begins the day of departure. When we both know it's time for us to return and part ways. We talk less, we can't seem to think of something to do, and we both seem to want to sleep. Retreating into ourselves to keep the raw emotions that are at the surface from coming out. It's as if it would be easier if we could just blank it all out. Pretending it's no big deal, we talk about how long the time apart will be like it's not that bad. We focus on the small talk of weather, packing the bags, checking in with the airline, and when we should head out. Sometimes I imagine myself clinging to him in tears as he rips me off him and leaves me in the security line up at the airport; it never happens that way. I often think I'll have some amazing thing to say as I drop him off. I watch as he disappears into the building and the people inside. I never have anything profound to say; my words are always caught, swimming in emotion in my mind. I thought that it would get better, but it doesn't, it's the same every time. I blank out on the plane or the drive home. Sometimes I can pray, but usually I'm a little numb. If I have something to do right away, it's always a bit better; the wall I'm going to hit is delayed. I cry when I wake up, I struggle to shut down in the evening, I'm restless through the night seeking him in my bed and finding nothing. I exercise in order to find my joy, surround myself with work and friends, and eventually accept the rhythm of the two calls a day and the texts in between. Grief hits me when I want to share something with him or do something with him, or I just feel empty when I'm out and realize my husband should be with me.
Blocking
Sometimes to find my way through the grief I block it. I shore up myself and remember my independence and individual strength. I walk in the confidence that I am free and able to do whatever I want because I'm currently on my own. I have the best of both worlds. This was actually something I did more of in the beginning, before we got married. I had a boyfriend and I was still able to spend time with my friends, unencumbered by the weight of checking to see what he was doing, because he wasn't here. I would block my feelings of sadness and needing him by reminding myself that I don't want to be needed or to be needy. That was weakness and would ruin my relationship with him in the end anyway. I would harden my heart to go on and be 'single' and yet committed. As I was considering my vows and how my marriage affects my life now, I was struck by the faulty logic and the selfishness of this thinking and behaviour. A close friend commented that I was a strong independent woman and contrasted that with me being in a relationship. Why does being a strong independent woman conflict with being in a relationship, with being married? Is a woman really less than if she's married? I realized that even I had that faulty thinking in the recesses of my mind. I had blocked my need for my boyfriend, my fiance, because need is weakness. In doing so, I was hardening my heart for the time being, blocking the very vulnerability that allowed for connection and love to grow. Singles, know this... you're probably doing this out of fear of getting hurt, being taken advantage of, appearing to be needy, or extending love that may not be returned. Also know this, it doesn't have to be this way; and if you keep doing it and you want to have a partner, this is not how to make that happen. Vulnerability is not an option to be in relationship; and it is courageous to enter into it with someone who goes with you. I can't block anymore to deal with not being with my husband. Hardening my heart and closing down my openness even for a time is foolish and counterproductive. Blocking has to become a thing of the past. When overwhelmed with the intensity of my need, I must face it, possibly talk about it, and give it to Jesus.
Ruminating
If I don't grieve, which I usually do, or block, which I'm going to stop doing, I ruminate. I start to imagine scenarios that are not actually happening, and they're always terrible. My mind becomes filled with focusing on sadness and I get depressed. Negative thinking about my situation and how stupid it is floods my mind. I get stuck in old reels from the past that accuse me, scare me, take over my good memories, and cloud my happiness. My sin becomes ever present and the Devil accuses me. I have flashbacks that threaten my connection to my husband and arouse doubt. Ruminating is ugly and is the worst of the three states that rob my peace. I often feel attacked by Satan when I head down this path and I've had to literally ask him to leave in the name of Jesus. It's the spiritual battle part of being separated from my husband and it's strength has really surprised me. Why am I tempted to go down this road? I realize that it seems so ridiculous to choose this path, but what I think happens is, it sneaks up on me in my grief and presents itself as a better option than blocking the feelings. I have now seen it for what it is, an attack on my marriage. Even though I cannot always keep it from beginning, I am able to stop it, to change up my thinking, get busy doing something, and ask Jesus to stand guard over my thoughts.
As you read my descriptions it may seem that I am a basket case and very unstable. But these emotions and torment pass through me in moments and are often sealed up in my heart and mind. They sometimes keep me in bed for too long, cause me to isolate for a few days at home, or stop me in my tracks, but I can be thankful that they do not take over. Jesus is faithful and He is enough. I remember in the early days of being single again after my first marriage ended, I was surprised to miss being married and would fall asleep or wake up repeating to myself... Jesus is enough, Jesus is enough. It is for a different reason that I repeat that now. What a full circle moment to realize that no matter the situation, Jesus has to be enough. I am not complete in my husband, I am complete in Jesus and His plan and purpose for me will always be full until He takes me home.
I need peace that is not circumstantial to walk this journey. I know that this is God's plan, that it is not a terrible cross to bear. He has given me a gift wrapped in this particular package for a purpose. My prayer is that I will continue to allow the Lord to inform and shape my plans, guiding me to do His will whether with my husband or apart. That Jesus would bring peace where there should be none, resolution that is humanly impossible, and wisdom to see when I am taking back the reins. May my husband and I walk in the will of the most Holy, loving, one and only creator God. In Jesus name, Amen.
30.6.17
For Gene
Your words put to music...
Take my hand
I won't let go
We've waited so long
And all my life
I walked alone
To you, my heart, my home
Like the first man
I was cut so deep by heaven's knife
When I awoke from my sleep
Oh my Lord, she's beautiful
She's a part of me
She's my wife
Bound by love
One flesh to be
An unbroken ring
And I lay down
My life for thee
In love we are free
Like the first man
I was cut so deep by heaven's knife
When I awoke from my sleep
Oh my Lord, she's beautiful
Walking up to me
Oh she's wonderful
Standing next to me
Oh she's all, all that I could need
Yeah, she's beautiful
She's a part of me
She's my wife
Take my hand
I won't let go
We've waited so long
And all my life
I walked alone
To you, my heart, my home
Like the first man
I was cut so deep by heaven's knife
When I awoke from my sleep
Oh my Lord, she's beautiful
She's a part of me
She's my wife
Bound by love
One flesh to be
An unbroken ring
And I lay down
My life for thee
In love we are free
Like the first man
I was cut so deep by heaven's knife
When I awoke from my sleep
Oh my Lord, she's beautiful
Walking up to me
Oh she's wonderful
Standing next to me
Oh she's all, all that I could need
Yeah, she's beautiful
She's a part of me
She's my wife
Heaven's Knife ~ Josh Garrels
Heaven's Knife ~ click to listen
29.6.17
My Boys
I thought I would share the toast I gave to my boys for graduation this year at my school. There were four boys who graduated this year... my boys... to the staff at Hope, they are our boys. We are sending them off to become the men that we see glimpses of now and pray that we will see them again.
So, here's my toast below... unfortunately, you miss my little silly ad ins this way, but enjoy.
Thank you for that wonderful toast to our staff, Dana.
I speak for all the staff at Hope that have taught you over your time at the school. It is an honour to be able to say a few words in congratulations to you and toast to your future. Since I have the mic, I wanted to address each grad individually.
As my students know, and maybe the staff members too, I’m a huge U2 fan. So, I’ve chosen a U2 song lyric for each of the grads.
Each student also chose One Word for the 2017 year instead of doing a new year’s resolution. I have framed my toast to each of them based on their word choices.
D*** - leadership Mark 10:42-45
So, here's my toast below... unfortunately, you miss my little silly ad ins this way, but enjoy.
Thank you for that wonderful toast to our staff, Dana.
I speak for all the staff at Hope that have taught you over your time at the school. It is an honour to be able to say a few words in congratulations to you and toast to your future. Since I have the mic, I wanted to address each grad individually.
As my students know, and maybe the staff members too, I’m a huge U2 fan. So, I’ve chosen a U2 song lyric for each of the grads.
Each student also chose One Word for the 2017 year instead of doing a new year’s resolution. I have framed my toast to each of them based on their word choices.
D*** - leadership Mark 10:42-45
D*, your energy and enthusiasm is going to be missed around campus. I hope you lead with that same energy as you go out from here. Don’t ever lose that youthful energy and keep on being willing to look silly. I will miss your interruptions in the gym while I’m teaching as you bring the chaos. In your desire to lead, may you first learn to follow, to understand your own flaws and seek to be more like Jesus, and then serve in your leadership.
For you D*, I chose words from the U2 song Lemon. ~ Midnight is where the day begins.
Lemon is not a song filled with the usual U2 wisdom, but this line repeats in the background. I chose this for you because it’s a reminder to you that it is in times of darkness, struggle, and hardships that the dawn, the light of Jesus shines through. Always remember to look for that.
G*** - change 1 Corinthians 15:51-52
G*, your generosity marks much of my memories of you. Your worshipful singing in Chapel will be missed. It was a good example to the younger students and even to me to look up and see you singing with such emotion; very encouraging. You are a thinker and a skeptic at times. I have witnessed you opening your heart and allowing that to change your mind. That’s the supernatural power of the Spirit. As you continue to learn and grow, facing the changes ahead, let your heart lead your head.
And that leads me to your U2 song lyric which is from Vertigo ~ Your head can't rule your heart. G*, it’s when you allow your heart to inform your mind that you will be able to respond with openness and courage as you move into all the changes that are ahead in the coming years.
D****l - success Matthew 25:21
Lemon is not a song filled with the usual U2 wisdom, but this line repeats in the background. I chose this for you because it’s a reminder to you that it is in times of darkness, struggle, and hardships that the dawn, the light of Jesus shines through. Always remember to look for that.
G*** - change 1 Corinthians 15:51-52
G*, your generosity marks much of my memories of you. Your worshipful singing in Chapel will be missed. It was a good example to the younger students and even to me to look up and see you singing with such emotion; very encouraging. You are a thinker and a skeptic at times. I have witnessed you opening your heart and allowing that to change your mind. That’s the supernatural power of the Spirit. As you continue to learn and grow, facing the changes ahead, let your heart lead your head.
And that leads me to your U2 song lyric which is from Vertigo ~ Your head can't rule your heart. G*, it’s when you allow your heart to inform your mind that you will be able to respond with openness and courage as you move into all the changes that are ahead in the coming years.
D****l - success Matthew 25:21
D*l, you shared with me your verse choice for grad this year; The grace of the Lord Jesus be with all. Amen. - Revelation 22:21. I think it fits your sensibilities; and it is a window into your true heart that you desire for God’s grace to be given to everyone. I know that as you seek to find your successes in the future, there will be times of difficulty and you will need the grace of God and others in order to be truly successful. My hope is that you seek true success which will allow you to hear God say that he is pleased with you.
My U2 song lyric for you is from One Tree Hill ~ I'll see you again when the stars fall from the sky. I know I will see you again before the stars fall from the sky… but this reminds me of your sentimental nature, a kindness that softens your rough edges, something you often hide from others. You see the end and although it seems fatalistic, you are an optimist in an anti-optimist kind of way. Love large D*l, seek the truth, and I believe I will see you when the stars fall from the sky, on the other side.
T***** - understanding 2 Peter 3:14-18
T*, this year you chose such a great word that was perfect for you! Working with you one on one this year, as you were my only Communications student, I saw first hand your servant heart and your desire to understand; not only yourself but others around you. As you grow in your understanding of yourself this will help you to understand God’s amazing plans for you, and it will also help you to continue to grow in understanding others. Never give up the desire to understand. You have the most important thing figured out; you know Jesus loves you. That is your foundation and from that you can grow in grace and understanding.
My U2 song lyric for you is from the song Beautiful Day ~ The heart is a bloom… your heart is full of joy and seeks to help. Always allow that to bloom and keep finding beauty in each day as you set out from here.
So, raise your glasses, to the grads of 2017.
My U2 song lyric for you is from One Tree Hill ~ I'll see you again when the stars fall from the sky. I know I will see you again before the stars fall from the sky… but this reminds me of your sentimental nature, a kindness that softens your rough edges, something you often hide from others. You see the end and although it seems fatalistic, you are an optimist in an anti-optimist kind of way. Love large D*l, seek the truth, and I believe I will see you when the stars fall from the sky, on the other side.
T***** - understanding 2 Peter 3:14-18
T*, this year you chose such a great word that was perfect for you! Working with you one on one this year, as you were my only Communications student, I saw first hand your servant heart and your desire to understand; not only yourself but others around you. As you grow in your understanding of yourself this will help you to understand God’s amazing plans for you, and it will also help you to continue to grow in understanding others. Never give up the desire to understand. You have the most important thing figured out; you know Jesus loves you. That is your foundation and from that you can grow in grace and understanding.
My U2 song lyric for you is from the song Beautiful Day ~ The heart is a bloom… your heart is full of joy and seeks to help. Always allow that to bloom and keep finding beauty in each day as you set out from here.
So, raise your glasses, to the grads of 2017.
May you find that all your paths lead to success as you embrace the many changes ahead.
And may you be leaders that serve others out of love, always growing in your understanding by the power of the Holy Spirit.
* Ask D*l to come forward to stab the ever flat volleyball with a knife - because I promised he could, and I keep my promises.
And may you be leaders that serve others out of love, always growing in your understanding by the power of the Holy Spirit.
* Ask D*l to come forward to stab the ever flat volleyball with a knife - because I promised he could, and I keep my promises.
14.6.17
Malaise
I have general malaise. I have been fighting it for this entire month. The nature of malaise is that the cause is unknown; which is definitely true in this case. There is no reason for me to be melancholy, or unhappy, and to be experiencing angst. But it is June...
June is my birthday month, which is actually a good thing. I don't have any ill regard for birthdays and I don't worry about getting older. I have even thrown myself a birthday party or two to celebrate. June is the beginning of summer, which I would say if I had to pick, would be my favourite season. June is the end of the school year and in past years the beginning of camping, long days, nights by the fire, days at the lake and beach, and no schedules to maintain with my children. June is the last month before I get 6 weeks vacation. After the last teaching day, I can stop waking up to an alarm clock and instead allow my body decides to wake-up naturally. June is when I take out my hammock and my first lounges looking up at the sky and trees begin. June is Father's day, and I love my dad, so that's good. In June the constant rain begins to fade and the sun shines more often. My high school basketball team that won two Provincial titles is being inducted into the Coquitlam Sports Hall of Fame, and that's happening tomorrow. This year, June marks the month before I get married. There are only 18 days left before I get to have the best husband I could have ever imagined. So that's pretty amazing...
June is also when my allergies are at their worst. It's not just me that suffers, but my children as well. The amount of money that goes into masking our bodies reactions to all this completely harmless pollen, actually puts a noticeable dent in my bank account. Since I started working full time as a teacher, June is also the end of the work year. Although this means vacation is just around the corner, it also comes with lots of work, reporting, cleaning, inventory, year end parties and responsibilities, and getting ready for the next year ahead. As I said, June is my birthday month and this year my sister is throwing me a party. It's going to be fun. I know I don't sound excited... I will be when I'm celebrating. I have been trying to deny that I'm upset that my fiance isn't coming for my birthday, but that's just not working. I'm disappointed. I understand why, I don't expect it to change, and I'm not mad. It's just adding to the malaise. For a work related issue, I am in mediation next week and it will take all day, the day before report cards are due. Perfect. Father's Day in June is good for me, but for my kids, it isn't. For them it is another reminder of their broken relationship with their dad. This year, for me this seems even more evident. As I compare the relationship that my fiance has with his children and his Father's Day activities that are rightfully keeping him from me. It's a reminder that although his relationship with his children isn't perfect, it's so much better than what my children have, there is no comparison. I wept over that this year, and I've been praying for their dad... something has to get better and it needs to come from him.
The mixture of good and bad emotions and events in June is draining me this year. It is this time of year that I am reminded that I need to rest, but find that I can't rest. I have needed to rest for almost four years. I am restless at night, procrastinate during the day, and directionless in my tasks. I am endlessly tired. My mind seems to be a sieve and I cannot retain the simplest of information. It is this time of year that reminds me that I want to stop. I want to stop doing everything.
Normally, I use exercise to rid myself of the malaise, but I currently have sore hips and I'm feeling a little bummed that I have to put my running routine on hold. I have to keep calm and carry on about that; just change up the routine and stop whining.... I must plow on through. I need to maintain the way all this flesh hangs on my bones; going to Cancun in July, I can't afford to ignore it. I have too many great things that are just around the corner and more than a month of rest ahead.
Now that I've said it, maybe I can get some shit done.
I really wish I could skip this part of every year.
June is my birthday month, which is actually a good thing. I don't have any ill regard for birthdays and I don't worry about getting older. I have even thrown myself a birthday party or two to celebrate. June is the beginning of summer, which I would say if I had to pick, would be my favourite season. June is the end of the school year and in past years the beginning of camping, long days, nights by the fire, days at the lake and beach, and no schedules to maintain with my children. June is the last month before I get 6 weeks vacation. After the last teaching day, I can stop waking up to an alarm clock and instead allow my body decides to wake-up naturally. June is when I take out my hammock and my first lounges looking up at the sky and trees begin. June is Father's day, and I love my dad, so that's good. In June the constant rain begins to fade and the sun shines more often. My high school basketball team that won two Provincial titles is being inducted into the Coquitlam Sports Hall of Fame, and that's happening tomorrow. This year, June marks the month before I get married. There are only 18 days left before I get to have the best husband I could have ever imagined. So that's pretty amazing...
June is also when my allergies are at their worst. It's not just me that suffers, but my children as well. The amount of money that goes into masking our bodies reactions to all this completely harmless pollen, actually puts a noticeable dent in my bank account. Since I started working full time as a teacher, June is also the end of the work year. Although this means vacation is just around the corner, it also comes with lots of work, reporting, cleaning, inventory, year end parties and responsibilities, and getting ready for the next year ahead. As I said, June is my birthday month and this year my sister is throwing me a party. It's going to be fun. I know I don't sound excited... I will be when I'm celebrating. I have been trying to deny that I'm upset that my fiance isn't coming for my birthday, but that's just not working. I'm disappointed. I understand why, I don't expect it to change, and I'm not mad. It's just adding to the malaise. For a work related issue, I am in mediation next week and it will take all day, the day before report cards are due. Perfect. Father's Day in June is good for me, but for my kids, it isn't. For them it is another reminder of their broken relationship with their dad. This year, for me this seems even more evident. As I compare the relationship that my fiance has with his children and his Father's Day activities that are rightfully keeping him from me. It's a reminder that although his relationship with his children isn't perfect, it's so much better than what my children have, there is no comparison. I wept over that this year, and I've been praying for their dad... something has to get better and it needs to come from him.
The mixture of good and bad emotions and events in June is draining me this year. It is this time of year that I am reminded that I need to rest, but find that I can't rest. I have needed to rest for almost four years. I am restless at night, procrastinate during the day, and directionless in my tasks. I am endlessly tired. My mind seems to be a sieve and I cannot retain the simplest of information. It is this time of year that reminds me that I want to stop. I want to stop doing everything.
Normally, I use exercise to rid myself of the malaise, but I currently have sore hips and I'm feeling a little bummed that I have to put my running routine on hold. I have to keep calm and carry on about that; just change up the routine and stop whining.... I must plow on through. I need to maintain the way all this flesh hangs on my bones; going to Cancun in July, I can't afford to ignore it. I have too many great things that are just around the corner and more than a month of rest ahead.
Now that I've said it, maybe I can get some shit done.
I really wish I could skip this part of every year.
30.5.17
Work, Kids, and Love
I wish I had a cabinet full of wine and money in the bank. That was the sentiment that went through my head today as I drove away from my place of work.
WORK
School is coming to a close and it's not been a bad year of teaching. This year teaching physical education didn't feel like a nightmare; it helps when you have a gym. I spent last year leading students in physical activity, sport, and active living without a gym. Let me tell you, this outdoor girl has a new appreciation for indoor activity. I feel like teaching has gone well and I conquered the curriculum. I had some successes and some misses; I handled my reporting better; I didn't completely figure out how to motivate my grade eight class, but we managed; I saw some amazing growth in my senior students in both classes I taught them; I think I hit the ball out of the park teaching sewing; and my evaluation is finally over.
I work at a small private Christian school in a farming community in the middle of suburbia. I almost decided not to return to this place of learning in the fall. This spring I sought to end the struggle of working for too little pay and with a superior who not only lacks leadership ability but is also completely unprofessional. I applied to teach in the public sector as this is the year for which BC teachers have been waiting. Private sector teachers across the province have been considering making the jump to the public sector as the flood gates have opened up for the districts to hire, and hire a lot. After two interviews and two job offers, I was suddenly torn. The previous two years at work had been very difficult, but as I put together my resume and a portfolio of my work and abilities, I started to see the diverse experience that my school had provided. In my interviews I heard that I was qualified, capable, flexible, smart, a good communicator, familiar with appropriate assessment techniques, and able to work with the new curriculum with ease. These were things that I had not heard about my teaching in a number of years. These were things I had not heard about myself. Yeah, it's the old bull shit stuff from my previous marriage still clogging up my life. I cannot believe that it still rears it's ugly head every now and then. Anyway, going through the process of seeking another job was nerve racking and exhilarating all at the same time. I was thrilled to be seen as good at my job, sought after in the field, and worthy of more money. That was actually the biggest emotional hit; to realize that I was not getting paid what I was worth. It brought me to tears.
Here's the rub.... when I added up what the change would cost me, it didn't make sense to make the jump. The public sector was offering me more money, better benefits, more opportunity for professional development, better retirement plans, and higher potential future earnings. That would all be great, if I didn't have to go without pay for two months, had an actual job and not just a teaching on call position with a verbal promise that I would most likely get a job by November, and was staying in BC for the rest of my working life. I have too much debt to handle no pay for two months and I'm supporting my family, so I can't work on call hoping it will all work out. Plus, I'm moving to Arizona in two years. It didn't add up to a good idea for me. It felt like a kick to the gut and a pat on the back all at the same time.
During this process of seeking a job elsewhere, there was an external administration evaluation going on at my school. This opened the door for myself and my fellow staff members to speak up about our situation and try to find solutions. I found myself revealing events and speaking honestly about how our work environment was being affected by the poor leadership we were under. As part of my contract negotiations, I made it clear that these issues needed to be addressed and plans made for them to be dealt with or I may not sign. I was seriously considering making the jump if there was going to be no plans for changes. This process has also been nerve racking and exhilarating all at the same time. I am so pleased that conversations have gone well, actions have been taken, and plans for future reconciliation are in motion. My decision to stay was not just about money and practicality, but also about how the administration and board has handled the evaluation and tried to respond to our needs. We have yet to move forward on all action plans, but at least we have them and our concerns have been heard and acted on. It should be noted... I did get a raise and a very good position for next year. I am teaching Health and Physical Education for grades 6-12, Christian Studies for grade 9-12, and instructing in Career Education, Planning, and Graduation Transitions. It's really my dream job.
So... Why did I go through the hassle of trying to find a different job if this was going to be the end result? Did I make the right decision? The answer to those questions will actually be answered at the end, because it's about love and not work.
KIDS
My youngest son has been doing pretty well in Grade 10. He's found an actual group of friends that I trust and when he isn't home, I don't worry about it. He's independently getting up for school most of the time and gets himself from A to B on his own on most occasions. I think he's doing pretty well in school. Is it bad that I don't really care and I'm more glad that he's found a good group of friends, is making good choices in social situations, has found a place to belong at a church youth group, and is treating girls well? I know school is important, I'm a teacher! But I would rather he be kind and love Jesus, than be a straight A, arrogant, asshole, that sees girls as trophies, treats me terribly, and has no time for matters of the heart. He has made good choices this year. He's not perfect and still has a lot of growing up to do, but I like how it's currently going. The best part, is that he has found a church community where he feels safe and is growing. I couldn't be happier. I know that the next two years are going to be super stressful for him. Final years in high school usually have students considering who they are going to be and what they are going to do. My little guy is also going to have to consider moving out of the country with his mother or staying here on his own. That is a pretty big thing to have hanging over you. I think the safe thing is for him to come along for the ride with me... but it may not be what's best for him. However, staying here means being able to find a place to live, work and still somehow go to school. It's not even clear to me what he should do or what would be harder. I really feel for him.
My daughter has returned from a year of Bible school in an outdoor discipleship program and living on campus. It's pretty clear that it was a total bust. She academically failed out of the first semester, losing two bursaries and owing the school money. I refused to pay it, even though I couldn't have anyway. She revealed her plight to the rest of her program buddies, and they covered the cost for her after the leader of the program reinstated one of them. Her academic failure cost her graduating the program. She basically got a $10,000 loan to hang out on campus, chase after boys, and participate in outdoor activities. I shouldn't be so negative, but it feels like she just had a very expensive gap year; she even admitted as much once in the car with me. It is her life, and I'm thankful that she is learning some lessons. She has a job this summer at her favourite summer camp and will actually get paid for it as opposed to just volunteering. Until the middle of June, she's just hanging out here. It's not all bad. She has been cooking and cleaning and has given up boys as a way to fight her boredom. Her plans are to work for the next year and prepare for going into nursing, which could mean taking some high school biology. She will find her way. If nothing at all, she's good with people and loving and kind, and she loves Jesus. Isn't that all I want for my kids anyway? I have to remind myself sometimes...
My oldest son has finally hit pay dirt when it comes to his job. He's working up in northern BC building a gold mine with Tru-Steel. After paying his way through BCIT and spending the last couple of years working for so many different companies I've lost track, he is signed on for his apprenticeship as a sheet metal fabricator and even doing some welding. I'm so proud of him. He's worked really hard. He's finally holding up his end and paying to live in my house, consistently. We would have had to move if he couldn't start giving me actual rent money, and he'd have been kicked out. I can't support him anymore. He is still struggling along with his girlfriend and I worry about that, but I cannot tell him who to love or how to do it right. I've made my own mistakes and often find myself correcting some of his thinking that comes from what he saw growing up. But he loves Jesus, and he is kind. He's a good man. Wow, my son is a man... I really think that this year, he's become a man. I don't see him as a boy anymore. I pray that he can find his way and that God would bless him financially and most of all to be blessed in his relationships. I don't want him to have a hard life, but I know that is not really up to me.
Parenting has been a very exhausting journey in the past five years. I relish the breaks that I receive and cannot wait for longer ones and the time when the constant work is over. I will always love them with a fierceness and faithfulness that is beyond my understanding. But I'm thankful that Jesus loves them more than I do.
I have four new kids in my life that I've been blessed with through my fiance. I hardly know them, but I'm already thinking and praying for them and being drawn into their world. God has often brought them to mind, telling me to pray for them. It's good to know that I'm being drawn in by Jesus even before I've met two of them. I think about the three girls and each of their different personalities and interests; the struggles they have now and may have later; and the pressures that the world puts on them. I want desperately to get to know each of them more intimately. I have had some small opportunities to make connections with the two youngest girls, and it gives me a charge of excitement when I sense that brief moment that we share, where I see them and they see me. Another boy is also in the mix. He is in the thick of trying to find himself in a world that can be confusing for young men. As he tries to pursue manhood and find his way, I think of my own boys and what they go through. He is on my heart more these days as I sense that he is in a crucial place. Like my own children, I want them to be kind and loving, to have good relationships, and to love Jesus. What I've learned is that I need to pray for their dad... and even their mothers. They are influencing and guiding and loving those kids, even the adult ones. So, I pray. I think it's a good practice... I'll get to know them more and more, through what my fiance tells me and soon from my own interactions with them. I'm excited to start this journey of relationship with these four new young people. It's a very hopeful adventure and a gift from my Heavenly Father. I am not really sure that I'm up for the challenge of mentoring more young people, but He has a plan for my relationship with them, and I am thankful that Jesus loves them more than I ever will.
LOVE
For loves sake... I have tried on my journey in singleness to find ways to love. Love my friends and family, my co-workers, students, athletes I coach, and be willing to love in relationship. Love is risky, and with my wounds, I haven't always been very good at it. I'm selfish and have chosen at times to only love myself. I think it may have been all I could do. But when I've extended myself outward I have not been disappointed. My exhaustion is rewarded, and the peace and joy that follows is yet another selfish reason to choose the way of love.
As I reflect on my decision to stay at my small insignificant job in the little school where God has placed me, I remember love. I love those with whom I work. Their lives have intertwined with mine as we've laboured together and worked to see our students grow and develop. They have become apart of my local family, where we are united because of Jesus. My love for my students is different and more like a parent. I know it is for but a brief moment that I can love them and push them and try to point them toward their best, but it is in that moment that I know God wants me to be present. I hope I haven't missed any opportunities with any of them. I pray that my decision to stay is part of God's plan not just for me but also for them. And as I consider the last two years in which I will be a part of this community, I again remember love. It is for love that I made this choice.
I lamented saying no to jumping into the public sector for work. All I had wanted back when my teaching journey began in 2009 was to work in the public sector. Then when it was being offered, I said no. I was internally yelling at myself! What was I doing!? Make the jump! Don't let these details sway you! Take the risk! It'll be worth it! You'll be a part of something bigger. You'll be bigger! But I said no. I actually made a practical decision that had some basis in looking at facts, weighing the costs, and evaluating my situation. I made a decision about work that wasn't based on my own ego or emotions. And it actually felt wrong at first. I didn't know what to do with how it felt either. And so, I lamented. Yes, I made a practical decision, but that decision is based on choosing love. I would have jumped if not for love.
My life is filled with love. I have over the past eight months been blessed by the love of a man who I believe is a gift to me from my Heavenly Father. I know, it sounds cheesy... but on this I will not be moved. This love has opened up my heart and eyes to a better outlook and to the possibilities. New hope fills my mind and I am sure about our future more than I am about anything else. It has shaped my decisions; plans that I thought I would execute alone, are now unfolding with a partner. When I made the choice to stay in my current job, I was choosing this path of love and marriage and partnership. I was choosing to trust that this is what God has in store for my future. I was choosing to trust him, to trust that I could partner with him and not lose myself, but gain instead more. Even as I type this, I know this is a risk. To trust and risk love has changed the course of my life. Love has set in motion a new plan, a joint direction, and an adventure that I'm both nervous and excited about. I pray often for God to reveal the plans and the purpose of our partnership. And yet, I don't want to complicate it or put pressure where there should be none. There is peace in this place and after so much turmoil and struggle, I look forward to the oasis that this love has given me. For now, it is an oasis that I visit when we are together, when we talk, and when we pray. Soon it will be an oasis in which I live and will go forward from into the next chapter.
WORK
School is coming to a close and it's not been a bad year of teaching. This year teaching physical education didn't feel like a nightmare; it helps when you have a gym. I spent last year leading students in physical activity, sport, and active living without a gym. Let me tell you, this outdoor girl has a new appreciation for indoor activity. I feel like teaching has gone well and I conquered the curriculum. I had some successes and some misses; I handled my reporting better; I didn't completely figure out how to motivate my grade eight class, but we managed; I saw some amazing growth in my senior students in both classes I taught them; I think I hit the ball out of the park teaching sewing; and my evaluation is finally over.
I work at a small private Christian school in a farming community in the middle of suburbia. I almost decided not to return to this place of learning in the fall. This spring I sought to end the struggle of working for too little pay and with a superior who not only lacks leadership ability but is also completely unprofessional. I applied to teach in the public sector as this is the year for which BC teachers have been waiting. Private sector teachers across the province have been considering making the jump to the public sector as the flood gates have opened up for the districts to hire, and hire a lot. After two interviews and two job offers, I was suddenly torn. The previous two years at work had been very difficult, but as I put together my resume and a portfolio of my work and abilities, I started to see the diverse experience that my school had provided. In my interviews I heard that I was qualified, capable, flexible, smart, a good communicator, familiar with appropriate assessment techniques, and able to work with the new curriculum with ease. These were things that I had not heard about my teaching in a number of years. These were things I had not heard about myself. Yeah, it's the old bull shit stuff from my previous marriage still clogging up my life. I cannot believe that it still rears it's ugly head every now and then. Anyway, going through the process of seeking another job was nerve racking and exhilarating all at the same time. I was thrilled to be seen as good at my job, sought after in the field, and worthy of more money. That was actually the biggest emotional hit; to realize that I was not getting paid what I was worth. It brought me to tears.
Here's the rub.... when I added up what the change would cost me, it didn't make sense to make the jump. The public sector was offering me more money, better benefits, more opportunity for professional development, better retirement plans, and higher potential future earnings. That would all be great, if I didn't have to go without pay for two months, had an actual job and not just a teaching on call position with a verbal promise that I would most likely get a job by November, and was staying in BC for the rest of my working life. I have too much debt to handle no pay for two months and I'm supporting my family, so I can't work on call hoping it will all work out. Plus, I'm moving to Arizona in two years. It didn't add up to a good idea for me. It felt like a kick to the gut and a pat on the back all at the same time.
During this process of seeking a job elsewhere, there was an external administration evaluation going on at my school. This opened the door for myself and my fellow staff members to speak up about our situation and try to find solutions. I found myself revealing events and speaking honestly about how our work environment was being affected by the poor leadership we were under. As part of my contract negotiations, I made it clear that these issues needed to be addressed and plans made for them to be dealt with or I may not sign. I was seriously considering making the jump if there was going to be no plans for changes. This process has also been nerve racking and exhilarating all at the same time. I am so pleased that conversations have gone well, actions have been taken, and plans for future reconciliation are in motion. My decision to stay was not just about money and practicality, but also about how the administration and board has handled the evaluation and tried to respond to our needs. We have yet to move forward on all action plans, but at least we have them and our concerns have been heard and acted on. It should be noted... I did get a raise and a very good position for next year. I am teaching Health and Physical Education for grades 6-12, Christian Studies for grade 9-12, and instructing in Career Education, Planning, and Graduation Transitions. It's really my dream job.
So... Why did I go through the hassle of trying to find a different job if this was going to be the end result? Did I make the right decision? The answer to those questions will actually be answered at the end, because it's about love and not work.
KIDS
My youngest son has been doing pretty well in Grade 10. He's found an actual group of friends that I trust and when he isn't home, I don't worry about it. He's independently getting up for school most of the time and gets himself from A to B on his own on most occasions. I think he's doing pretty well in school. Is it bad that I don't really care and I'm more glad that he's found a good group of friends, is making good choices in social situations, has found a place to belong at a church youth group, and is treating girls well? I know school is important, I'm a teacher! But I would rather he be kind and love Jesus, than be a straight A, arrogant, asshole, that sees girls as trophies, treats me terribly, and has no time for matters of the heart. He has made good choices this year. He's not perfect and still has a lot of growing up to do, but I like how it's currently going. The best part, is that he has found a church community where he feels safe and is growing. I couldn't be happier. I know that the next two years are going to be super stressful for him. Final years in high school usually have students considering who they are going to be and what they are going to do. My little guy is also going to have to consider moving out of the country with his mother or staying here on his own. That is a pretty big thing to have hanging over you. I think the safe thing is for him to come along for the ride with me... but it may not be what's best for him. However, staying here means being able to find a place to live, work and still somehow go to school. It's not even clear to me what he should do or what would be harder. I really feel for him.
My daughter has returned from a year of Bible school in an outdoor discipleship program and living on campus. It's pretty clear that it was a total bust. She academically failed out of the first semester, losing two bursaries and owing the school money. I refused to pay it, even though I couldn't have anyway. She revealed her plight to the rest of her program buddies, and they covered the cost for her after the leader of the program reinstated one of them. Her academic failure cost her graduating the program. She basically got a $10,000 loan to hang out on campus, chase after boys, and participate in outdoor activities. I shouldn't be so negative, but it feels like she just had a very expensive gap year; she even admitted as much once in the car with me. It is her life, and I'm thankful that she is learning some lessons. She has a job this summer at her favourite summer camp and will actually get paid for it as opposed to just volunteering. Until the middle of June, she's just hanging out here. It's not all bad. She has been cooking and cleaning and has given up boys as a way to fight her boredom. Her plans are to work for the next year and prepare for going into nursing, which could mean taking some high school biology. She will find her way. If nothing at all, she's good with people and loving and kind, and she loves Jesus. Isn't that all I want for my kids anyway? I have to remind myself sometimes...
My oldest son has finally hit pay dirt when it comes to his job. He's working up in northern BC building a gold mine with Tru-Steel. After paying his way through BCIT and spending the last couple of years working for so many different companies I've lost track, he is signed on for his apprenticeship as a sheet metal fabricator and even doing some welding. I'm so proud of him. He's worked really hard. He's finally holding up his end and paying to live in my house, consistently. We would have had to move if he couldn't start giving me actual rent money, and he'd have been kicked out. I can't support him anymore. He is still struggling along with his girlfriend and I worry about that, but I cannot tell him who to love or how to do it right. I've made my own mistakes and often find myself correcting some of his thinking that comes from what he saw growing up. But he loves Jesus, and he is kind. He's a good man. Wow, my son is a man... I really think that this year, he's become a man. I don't see him as a boy anymore. I pray that he can find his way and that God would bless him financially and most of all to be blessed in his relationships. I don't want him to have a hard life, but I know that is not really up to me.
Parenting has been a very exhausting journey in the past five years. I relish the breaks that I receive and cannot wait for longer ones and the time when the constant work is over. I will always love them with a fierceness and faithfulness that is beyond my understanding. But I'm thankful that Jesus loves them more than I do.
I have four new kids in my life that I've been blessed with through my fiance. I hardly know them, but I'm already thinking and praying for them and being drawn into their world. God has often brought them to mind, telling me to pray for them. It's good to know that I'm being drawn in by Jesus even before I've met two of them. I think about the three girls and each of their different personalities and interests; the struggles they have now and may have later; and the pressures that the world puts on them. I want desperately to get to know each of them more intimately. I have had some small opportunities to make connections with the two youngest girls, and it gives me a charge of excitement when I sense that brief moment that we share, where I see them and they see me. Another boy is also in the mix. He is in the thick of trying to find himself in a world that can be confusing for young men. As he tries to pursue manhood and find his way, I think of my own boys and what they go through. He is on my heart more these days as I sense that he is in a crucial place. Like my own children, I want them to be kind and loving, to have good relationships, and to love Jesus. What I've learned is that I need to pray for their dad... and even their mothers. They are influencing and guiding and loving those kids, even the adult ones. So, I pray. I think it's a good practice... I'll get to know them more and more, through what my fiance tells me and soon from my own interactions with them. I'm excited to start this journey of relationship with these four new young people. It's a very hopeful adventure and a gift from my Heavenly Father. I am not really sure that I'm up for the challenge of mentoring more young people, but He has a plan for my relationship with them, and I am thankful that Jesus loves them more than I ever will.
LOVE
For loves sake... I have tried on my journey in singleness to find ways to love. Love my friends and family, my co-workers, students, athletes I coach, and be willing to love in relationship. Love is risky, and with my wounds, I haven't always been very good at it. I'm selfish and have chosen at times to only love myself. I think it may have been all I could do. But when I've extended myself outward I have not been disappointed. My exhaustion is rewarded, and the peace and joy that follows is yet another selfish reason to choose the way of love.
As I reflect on my decision to stay at my small insignificant job in the little school where God has placed me, I remember love. I love those with whom I work. Their lives have intertwined with mine as we've laboured together and worked to see our students grow and develop. They have become apart of my local family, where we are united because of Jesus. My love for my students is different and more like a parent. I know it is for but a brief moment that I can love them and push them and try to point them toward their best, but it is in that moment that I know God wants me to be present. I hope I haven't missed any opportunities with any of them. I pray that my decision to stay is part of God's plan not just for me but also for them. And as I consider the last two years in which I will be a part of this community, I again remember love. It is for love that I made this choice.
I lamented saying no to jumping into the public sector for work. All I had wanted back when my teaching journey began in 2009 was to work in the public sector. Then when it was being offered, I said no. I was internally yelling at myself! What was I doing!? Make the jump! Don't let these details sway you! Take the risk! It'll be worth it! You'll be a part of something bigger. You'll be bigger! But I said no. I actually made a practical decision that had some basis in looking at facts, weighing the costs, and evaluating my situation. I made a decision about work that wasn't based on my own ego or emotions. And it actually felt wrong at first. I didn't know what to do with how it felt either. And so, I lamented. Yes, I made a practical decision, but that decision is based on choosing love. I would have jumped if not for love.
My life is filled with love. I have over the past eight months been blessed by the love of a man who I believe is a gift to me from my Heavenly Father. I know, it sounds cheesy... but on this I will not be moved. This love has opened up my heart and eyes to a better outlook and to the possibilities. New hope fills my mind and I am sure about our future more than I am about anything else. It has shaped my decisions; plans that I thought I would execute alone, are now unfolding with a partner. When I made the choice to stay in my current job, I was choosing this path of love and marriage and partnership. I was choosing to trust that this is what God has in store for my future. I was choosing to trust him, to trust that I could partner with him and not lose myself, but gain instead more. Even as I type this, I know this is a risk. To trust and risk love has changed the course of my life. Love has set in motion a new plan, a joint direction, and an adventure that I'm both nervous and excited about. I pray often for God to reveal the plans and the purpose of our partnership. And yet, I don't want to complicate it or put pressure where there should be none. There is peace in this place and after so much turmoil and struggle, I look forward to the oasis that this love has given me. For now, it is an oasis that I visit when we are together, when we talk, and when we pray. Soon it will be an oasis in which I live and will go forward from into the next chapter.
21.4.17
I love you... to my fiance
"Dog Years"
I count my time in dog years
Swimming in sevens
Slow dancing in seconds
Oh and I'm the one that loves you
Oh and I'm the one that loves you
I spend my time daydreaming
As sure as the sea
It's just you and me
Oh and I'm the one that loves you
Oh and I'm the one that loves you
And if you had a bad week
Just let me touch your cheek
Oh and I'll be there waiting
When you get frustrated
I know things are changing
But, darling, I'm saying
I'll be singing you in all of my songs
Come what may
I'll still stay
Inside your mind
For all of time
Singing, ooh
We will be alright
In the afterlife
Of all that is shifting
And shaking my system
I know your rhythm
I know, I know, I know
That I'm the one that loves you
Oh and I'm the one that loves you
And if you had a bad week
I will sing you to sleep
Oh and I'll be there waiting
If you start to get jaded
I know things are changing
But, darling, I'm saying
I've been here all along
Come what may
I'll still stay
Inside your mind
For all of time
Singing, ooh
We will be alright
Not in vain will still stay the same
Inside your mind
For all time
Singing, ooh
We will be alright
In the afterlife
In the afterlife
We'll be alright here on this earth too...
I will restore to you the years the swarming locust have eaten,
the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter... Joel 2:25
16.4.17
LOVE
I'm going to share this because I've been working on it for over a month. I had felt I had no resolution... but today, on Easter Sunday, while I celebrate the resurrection, I'm reminded of the victory in which I live!
Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1 John 4:8
Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations
Deuteronomy 7:9
Who is a God like you, pardoning iniquity
and passing over transgression
for the remnant of his inheritance?
He does not retain his anger forever,
because he delights in steadfast love.
Micah 7:18
Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so...
There are many verses in scripture that describe God as being the embodiment of love. His love fully expressed in the person of Jesus Christ; his death and resurrection securing yours and my salvation so that we might experience His love in relationship with Him. But...
I get really caught up on the obey Him part; not that obedience is irrelevant, because I don't believe that. Of course, if I love God back, if I love Jesus, I will follow Him; and that looks like doing what He commands, which is obedience. Even non-believers in Christ know that. Sometimes though, I get so caught up in obedience, that I don't trust that he loves me and has forgiven me. The lie that I buy regularly, is that my life is a reflection of my sin, both hidden and public, and God's punishment for all that I've done in disobedience. My dad has said repeatedly that God's love and grace for you is always 100%, your forgiveness always places you fully in God's will, and you experience 100% of his plan for you when you have a repentant heart no matter what you've done. I struggle with the reality of this claim. It causes me to think that your forgiveness means that the happiness, success, and wealth you're seeking will come to fruition because that's how God works. Life however is not always smooth and easy. Natural consequences of mistakes made, sins committed, and opportunities not taken will affect your every day. God's will must take that into account, and I believe it does; but we're stupid, or I'm stupid, and don't always remember that. I assume the train wreck of my lost potential, opportunities, and success is because I'm not in God's will and he's punishing me for my insubordination and stubborn disobedience.
Let's face it, I should know better about how to be obedient and what is required of me. I have been surrounded by God's Word; taught by wise mentors; guided along with others in community; given opportunity to serve; grown in my knowledge of the Bible: been disciplined to pray and read and follow; taught others; spread the Gospel; and given gifts by God to edify others. Yet I fall. I choose my own way, I interpret God's laws for my own pleasure, and waste the gifts I've been given. I have no trouble finding fault in myself. The human condition is that we are but dust and our efforts are not perfect. I guess I am legalistic with myself. I know that I am forgiven and yet I expect more of myself and to my shame I don't fully accept God's grace, thinking that I can somehow do something or should've done something to better earn God's love and attention.
Here's how this erroneous thinking works in my head and heart. It starts with pride. I arrogantly look at my life and count all my righteous works and knowledge, and I start to think that it seems that God is truly not keeping his end of the deal. Then, I turn on myself. I'll give Him the time I failed to be a successful basketball player and make the national team; I had been a bad ambassador for Jesus since my baptism. I didn't deserve the earthly glory of that. I suppose I can even understand that the failure of my first marriage is related to not choosing very wisely; add an obsession with sex, that at the time, was completely out of control and led to an unplanned pregnancy and you've got a disaster. God didn't bless that relationship because of my sin. I suppose even now, God's' disdain for divorce has me smack in the middle of a life of disobedience. My lack of financial security, the injustice of my divorce settlement, the lasting impact of abuse on both myself and my children, and the current job dissatisfaction I'm experiencing could all be due to God's punishment for my past sins. This kind of thinking absolves me from taking responsibility for my actions, and believes that God doesn't truly love or forgive me. Its a HUGE lie, and yet I have it there, in my heart, and it niggles at me and tears me down.
This all sounds awful and like I believe in a God that is cruel and doesn't keep his promises. I understand God's character, and yet these are the lies I live with on a daily basis. I have recently realized how bad this habit really is in my life. It's a huge hidden struggle that I am plagued with. It dulls my joy and it causes me to miss the voice of the Spirit because I'm trying to decipher what is from Him and what is not. Since I know that the job of the Holy Spirit is to convict us of sin, I find that I rarely question my feelings of guilt and immediately jump to the belief that I am being convicted, even if it really isn't lining up with God's word and character at all. I expect perfection of myself, but lack the discipline to actually produce it, throwing myself into a cycle of believing that God's blessing in my life is removed because I repeatedly don't obey and don't trust.
What exactly is the lie? The lie is... that God doesn't love me and that he punishes me even after his forgiveness is given and that he punishes me for things that are not my sins, things that are not my fault. I've named it; it comes in different forms, but essentially that's it. It's easy for me to believe it for three reasons; first, the Bible puts obedience and love in the same sentence all the time. To show God I love him, I am to obey his commandments. I don't do that, not perfectly. I'm a sinner. So, Satan gets me on that. Secondly, the full blessing of God often seems missing from my life. My life has been hard, for a white girl in middle class Canadian society; I have first world problems. I must have fucked up something... or I'm just slightly cursed. And then there's forgiveness...Matthew 6:14-15 says... For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. That's conditional. I must forgive. I ask myself if God can forgive me of my 'unforgiveness'? I wonder what forgiveness is supposed to look like and if I'm doing it right. Satan wants me to believe that there's no way I'll ever have God's forgiveness because I am struggling with working out forgiveness in my life and how to apply what I've been given to others. Out of this, I easily jump to putting God's love in the conditional category.
Here's what I know, the lie is a lie, and so are the reasons I believe the lie. It's all lies, from the father of lies.
A song, an image from one of my students journals, the practice of prayer with my fiance, a video on grief, and a sermon have pointed the way out of this crippling lie in my soul.
A song
Hidden, a worship song, begins with a verse that describes how I grew in my faith in Jesus. It goes like this...
There was One, when I was young
Who knew my heart, He knew my sorrow
He held my hand, and He led me to trust Him
Now I am here in the safety of your love
I trust your heart and your intentions
Trust you completely, I'm listening intently
You guide me through these many shadows.
It goes on to say that as we grow and change, we grow in love for Him. My love for God should grow. My love for Jesus should grow; but is that happening? Jesus has walked with me in my darkest moments and never left. No matter what filthy thing I have allowed to enter into my life, he has known me, seen my sorrow and held my hand... and I do trust Him. So, why am I struggling with these lies that he doesn't love me? Lies that his forgiveness is removed from me? I bathed myself in this song for weeks... I'm still listening to it on repeat. My love for Jesus is being stifled because I am suffocating it with lies. I can trust his intentions, because he does love me.
An image
In the journal writing of one of my Christian Studies students was a word picture image that called me to task on the lies I was believing. It contrasts what God does and what Satan does. I printed it out and plastered it up in places where I would be reminded of it daily.
The practice of prayer with my fiance
I pray almost daily with my fiance. It was hard for me at first. I struggled to be that open. I know... that seems like it isn't me... but prayer is an intimate discussion with God and I feared he'd see or hear something in my prayers that would make him run to the hills. When we started praying together, we were only dating and long distance too, I was very nervous about the whole thing; which is really ridiculous when I think about it now. I was missing the whole point of praying with another believer by focusing on my insecurities and not recognizing the power of two people coming together to petition and seek wisdom from the creator. I have learned and grown so much from praying with him. He regularly states in his prayers, "we love you Lord" or "I love you Lord". I was so convicted by that at first, but not in a good way. It fed into the lies that I was believing. I began to beat myself up for not loving God and thinking that no blessings would come my way because I didn't love enough. Add that to my disobedience, I was undone. The more I heard him pray those words, God used them to soothe me and not to condemn. Now when I hear him say it in prayer it washes over me as restoration, like when Jesus asked Peter if he loved him (John 21). Peter finally says, "Lord, you know everything...". And that's it, He does know everything. He knows the limitations of my love, he knows that it's depth can waiver, he knows that I need Him... He loved me first, and I'm so glad He did. ... but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
A video on grief
I stumbled across a brief video message by John Piper about grief and God's blessing in your life. I have found myself repeating the lesson to so many people. I've given it to my dad, my children, and a friend or two to comfort them in their struggle with a life that sometimes doesn't turn out how you planned. It's not all horrible and God isn't withholding anything good from you or me. He has given me a life that is amazing and beautiful in it's own messy way. Why would I ever change that!? I've been walking with the Holy Spirit and Jesus in me since I was just five years old! How amazing is that!? In the end, I have so much that I didn't earn or deserve.
For the LORD God is a sun and a shield:
The LORD bestows favour and honour.
No good thing does he withhold
From those who walk uprightly.
Psalm 84:11
A sermon
Today is Easter Sunday. Church was filled with joy, even a little dancing... and the dancing was mostly me. :) Today the text was from Revelation 12... and we focused on verses 13-17, a description of the spiritual drama that we are currently now living in here on this earth. It gives a reason for why we still struggle with evil and why this struggle is directed at followers of Christ. Satan has made war with mankind and in particular with those who hold to the testimony of Jesus. Most of us pay no attention to the spiritual dimension and our focus in on the physical and political dimension that is swirling around us and pretty hard to see through. I don't want to preach the whole sermon all over again, I don't think I could really. What we need are Revelation glasses that enables us to see the world and our situation as it truly is. We don't live in uncertain or confusing times. In light of Jesus on the thrown, death defeated because of the cross and the resurrection, the words 'it is finished', hold deep meaning for you to live a life that is full now and into eternity. Satan's war is already over and he knows it. He just wants to screw up eternity for as many people as he can until Jesus comes back. We are living in the day of salvation; the time between the resurrection of Christ and his second coming (2 Corinthians 6:2). This is when we are living under God's grace and Satan's attack all at the same time. I have the choice to believe the lies that God doesn't love me, that he is out to punish, that my sin isn't covered by the blood on the cross, that my struggle to forgive others is futile, and that I can never love Jesus back enough. Today, I choose to accept the free gift all over again. I will need to allow the Holy Spirit to take captive all the thoughts that come against the knowledge of God (2 Corinthians 10:5). And what is the knowledge of God? It is that he is love. That he loved the world. That he loves me. And he loves you.
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