Malaise

I have general malaise. I have been fighting it for this entire month. The nature of malaise is that the cause is unknown; which is definitely true in this case. There is no reason for me to be melancholy, or unhappy, and to be experiencing angst. But it is June...

June is my birthday month, which is actually a good thing. I don't have any ill regard for birthdays and I don't worry about getting older. I have even thrown myself a birthday party or two to celebrate. June is the beginning of summer, which I would say if I had to pick, would be my favourite season. June is the end of the school year and in past years the beginning of camping, long days, nights by the fire, days at the lake and beach, and no schedules to maintain with my children. June is the last month before I get 6 weeks vacation. After the last teaching day, I can stop waking up to an alarm clock and instead allow my body decides to wake-up naturally. June is when I take out my hammock and my first lounges looking up at the sky and trees begin. June is Father's day, and I love my dad, so that's good. In June the constant rain begins to fade and the sun shines more often. My high school basketball team that won two Provincial titles is being inducted into the Coquitlam Sports Hall of Fame, and that's happening tomorrow. This year, June marks the month before I get married. There are only 18 days left before I get to have the best husband I could have ever imagined. So that's pretty amazing...

June is also when my allergies are at their worst. It's not just me that suffers, but my children as well. The amount of money that goes into masking our bodies reactions to all this completely harmless pollen, actually puts a noticeable dent in my bank account. Since I started working full time as a teacher, June is also the end of the work year. Although this means vacation is just around the corner, it also comes with lots of work, reporting, cleaning, inventory, year end parties and responsibilities, and getting ready for the next year ahead. As I said, June is my birthday month and this year my sister is throwing me a party. It's going to be fun. I know I don't sound excited... I will be when I'm celebrating. I have been trying to deny that I'm upset that my fiance isn't coming for my birthday, but that's just not working. I'm disappointed. I understand why, I don't expect it to change, and I'm not mad. It's just adding to the malaise. For a work related issue, I am in mediation next week and it will take all day, the day before report cards are due. Perfect. Father's Day in  June is good for me, but for my kids, it isn't. For them it is another reminder of their broken relationship with their dad. This year, for me this seems even more evident. As I compare the relationship that my fiance has with his children and his Father's Day activities that are rightfully keeping him from me. It's a reminder that although his relationship with his children isn't perfect, it's so much better than what my children have, there is no comparison. I wept over that this year, and I've been praying for their dad... something has to get better and it needs to come from him.

The mixture of good and bad emotions and events in June is draining me this year. It is this time of year that I am reminded that I need to rest, but find that I can't rest. I have needed to rest for almost four years. I am restless at night, procrastinate during the day, and directionless in my tasks. I am endlessly tired. My mind seems to be a sieve and I cannot retain the simplest of information. It is this time of year that reminds me that I want to stop. I want to stop doing everything.

Normally, I use exercise to rid myself of the malaise, but I currently have sore hips and I'm feeling a little bummed that I have to put my running routine on hold. I have to keep calm and carry on about that; just change up the routine and stop whining.... I must plow on through. I need to maintain the way all this flesh hangs on my bones; going to Cancun in July, I can't afford to ignore it. I have too many great things that are just around the corner and more than a month of rest ahead.

Now that I've said it, maybe I can get some shit done.

I really wish I could skip this part of every year.