I'm not in a good mood and I’ve had a bottle of wine, so I shouldn't write. I'm probably going to end up saying things that I wouldn't necessarily want put out there for all eternity. But I can't help myself as I really feel like I have had way too much bottled up over the past couple of months, and what's life without a little risk. I have not written in a while due to the feeling I've had lately that I should censor what I say. I've had a lot of frustration with little resolution to any of it. I ask myself, if my husband would be alright with what I've said? I don't know what to do with that question. Just using the word husband used to invoke negativity and now it cannot, it does not, and it never should have. I am trying to reclaim the word ‘husband’ in this new chapter in life; so that it only refers to the present and carries no thoughts of the past. GSJr. is my husband, and he deserves that title. He has my upmost respect and all my love. In writing my blog, there is a delicate balance of being myself, being respectful of who GSJr. is, and what he is comfortable revealing, that I am attempting to discover. I have to accept that I will make mistakes. I am GSJr.’s wife and much of what I say will include his truth that he may not want out there. I represent both of us, so the things I say others may think he thinks. And this goes both ways. He represents me; what he says and believes reflects me too. I am going to have to revisit that in another post.
It’s the morning after I wrote what comes below... but I’ve edited it and now feel more comfortable with what I have to say. It’s not all positive, but it is where my current thoughts are sitting.
I was unhappy last night because I missed talking to my husband on the phone. We are currently on different time zones. He's only an hour ahead of me, but it does cause some issues with sleeping and waking schedules. I missed him as he went to bed early to wake up early. I knew he was going to bed early, but I went out due to a kid issue and wanting more wine. It seems petty and like I'm choosing to not be available over trivial matters, but life with the distance between us is like this on a regular basis. And tonight, I'm pretty pissed about it. OK, I'll sound less vulgar... I'm upset about it. I went out because my daughter was reacting to a situation out of PMS’ing and I hate when women do that. She was supposed to go with her brother to buy a few things from the store including wine and beer, but ended up refusing because she thought he wasn’t appreciative of her work shoveling the car out of the snow. Just so stupid. So I went with my son to prove that women don’t behave like that. It was silly now that I look back, and it caused me to miss talking to my husband before he went to sleep. Stupid dumb. I have to learn that I cannot fix my grown children.
My husband and I have lives that go on without each other; schedules that run separately; children that need our attention and there's no telling when issues may arise with that; jobs that place demands on our time and focus; family and social events that take our time; and yet we are trying to keep a daily schedule of phone and video calls. We have separate everything. My home, my friends, my church, my money, my debt, my spending habits; his home, his friends, his church, his money, his abundance, his spending habits. Wow, that got cynical real quick. I seriously just absolutely hate all this. Sometimes, I don't want to talk to him at all because it's just a reminder that we are in the situation we're in. I know I chose it, and I'm glad I did. But living it isn't easy. I hate to admit, that I still don't know how this is all going to work out and I get frustrated and scared. Other times, I just want to leave and be there with him, forget that anything about my life here even exists.
I remember in my old life, wanting to escape and be someone else, just disappear; at times, I get that similar feeling about wanting to go now. Wanting to be someone else is not healthy at all, however, which is why I never did it. It has been much harder having to face down my issues, get divorced, handle the emotional and financial aftermath, and be there for my children. I never used to want to admit that I had thought about just picking up and walking away from my life. I felt like the worst human being ever for even imagining leaving my children and walking away. I've realized now, in my healing, that part of the reason those thoughts were even there was because I was so distressed and felt no way out of my situation. I'm glad I never made those decisions and that Jesus gave me the strength to carry on and walked with me. Besides, I don't want to be someone else, I just want to be somewhere else, and I do believe that God is calling me to that. Even now, staying here and making the changes slowly, methodically, painfully at times, joyfully at others, and preparing myself, my family, and even my friends for the day that I get on the plane and don't come back, is the harder thing to do. I don't always know if it's wiser or even if it makes more sense, but I did sign up for it, and I do have obligations yet to meet. It's complicated, I guess. I am glad to be on this healthier journey of moving away and starting fresh.
I remember when this new life began back in December 2013, I told my family and some friends, that in five years I was going to leave. I wanted to go and do something new, go on a mission, start over, I just wanted to get out of BC. My kids didn't pay much attention. They figured that it was fine since they'd all be out of high school by then, they really didn't care. My parents didn't believe me, and my one friend questioned my sincerity. I had no idea what I'd be doing when I left. I started looking into teaching abroad. I have no money and figured if I'm going to leave, I'm going to have to work while I'm gone or I can't go anywhere. Even mission work requires that I have funding, so that seemed like it wouldn't happen. I kept looking into how I would go and where I would go. Then I started to want to find a partner; someone to do this second half of life with, someone to go with me, or someone for me to go with on his journey, or maybe even to have a brand new mission together. It's amazing to think that Jesus has been listening to all my pondering's and prayers and has answered them is this way. It will be five years of this new life by the end of this year. My plan to leave has actual real footing and is happening, but totally not the way I had thought. It's so much better than just disappearing. I find myself praying for our future a lot. Right now it seems that it can't come fast enough and yet I feel like I don't have enough time to get myself and my kids ready. It's a strange place to be. There are days that I am overwhelmed by how much is going to change in my life when I move to the US; so much so that I'm actually scared. I mean what the hell did I do!!? It's a whole other world down there that I've only visited. Visiting is like being on vacation over and over again. I keep running into people, experiencing things, and doing things that remind me that this won't happen when you move. I won't know anyone down there. I have to start all over. I know I will always come back to Canada and see my family and I will always make time to see my children and their children. As the time moves closer for me to leave, I have to trust my husband to guide me through some of the details as I really don't have a clue. I'm trying to be prepared, but I'm pretty sure I can't prepare for everything down there. I have to trust Jesus. I do believe that he wants me to go, that my marriage and love for my husband is part of His plan for me.
If I'm honest, moving to the United States of America is somewhat distressing. As I look at the current climate in that nation, I'm ambivalent about the prospect of being surrounded by gun totting, Trump loving, fundamental, liberal (even though they don't know it), egocentric, ignorant, xenophobic, 'Christian based', racist, backwards, baby killing, capitalist, plastic Americans that think they're better than me. OK, that was harsh. That was a list of all the stereotypes I could think of about Americans. I'm sure there are many for Canadians. For example; Canadians are liberal, godless, overly apologetic, multicultural, baby killing, arrogant, gay marriage supporting, gender bending, beer drinking, pot smoking socialist morons, that think all Americans are idiots even though we wouldn't know what to do without our access to all your goods and services in every part of our economy. So... yeah... I guess I'm just used to this shit over their shit. I've never met a stereotypical American or a stereotypical Canadian. Real people just aren't like that. I will say I am a little bit afraid of the stance on guns in the US. I seriously don't understand. Not only am I Canadian, but I'm also Mennonite Brethren. I'm a pacifist in the truest sense of the word. As a teacher I have a huge stake in the matter. Schools are apparently not safe down there. My very livelihood could get me killed and I'm supposed to consider carrying a gun for the protection of myself and my students? Unbelievable. I didn't sign up for this, I just fell in love.
I'm changing the subject. I have no solutions or conclusions to what it will be like to move to the US. I just know it's happening in a year and a half and I'm preparing for that. I'm planning for my children to be set up as much as I can, I'm preparing my finances as much as I can, I'm hoping to ready my family and friends for my absence, and I'm going to need to set myself up for work in the US so that I can be busy and have purpose there. There are legal issues and preparations that need to be made that I'm going to need help with, and sometimes that causes me stress and invokes fear, as I don't understand it all. But I trust that Jesus knew this was all coming and it will all work out. I also trust my husband implicitly. I trust that our faith in Jesus will cut through the differences in our political, cultural, and familial thinking. I trust Jesus more than I trust my husband. If Jesus had me meet my husband, learn about him, love him, join with him, call me to him, and draw me in this direction, then Jesus will ensure that any challenge will be met with the Holy Spirit's intervention; both for me and for my husband.
I started a new job three weeks ago and it's been the beginning of more changes ahead. I have ripped off the comfort zone band aid. My Christian bubble at my old job is no longer, and no one knows my name. I am now out there in the public sector. It has been less stressful and new, interesting and frustrating at times, as well as eye opening. I have seen that teachers work hard. They work hard at every school, no matter what anyone says. I have seen that there really are more troubled students out there than we know what to do with, and I had forgotten about the huge need. I have seen that the diversity in school culture is huge. I have witnessed how environment shapes the way students behave; newer, cleaner schools have better behaved children than older, cluttered schools. Socioeconomic status really does change the dynamics and composition of schools. A principal's leadership style affects every aspect of the teacher's and student's daily life. It really does.
Leaving the school I taught at since 2011 has been hard. That work place had been so good to me; stood by me in a difficult time and provided fertile ground for the beginning of my teaching career. I actually started this process last May. Applying for jobs and taking interviews, I ended up turning down opportunities and signing on to stay. This past fall brought news that meant I had to make a decision as my job would no longer be as it once was. Once I finally made the choice, it was such a relief. Professionally and financially it was a good decision. I needed the change and the stability. Mentally and emotionally it was a good decision. I have felt less stress this month and I know it is because of the reduced responsibilities at work. I have good friends from my old work place, or at least I believe I do; this change is putting that to the test. I thought it might be difficult and made some initial attempts to address that before I left. I thought I had met their needs... but there is resentment and I think I'm going to lose some people. I'm surprised by those that are having the most trouble with it. It's disappointing and feels lonely. I am already lonely at my new job, and it is hard to see that some of my old colleagues are pulling back from me.
This is the beginning of the change. When I actually move away, I'm going to lose people. There's no point in denying that. I'm going to be in a place where no one knows my name. As I move around my new community in the US, I won't run into old students or athletes, friends from school or church, family, or colleagues. I will hopefully gain new connections on all levels, but it will be different. This is part of moving. Leaving behind, getting rid of baggage, and taking only what you feel belongs in the new place. It's hard that this leaving behind and getting rid of baggage ends up including people. I don't want my friends to inadvertently feel that I don't want them. If they don't want to be a part of the future of my life cause it's too hard to be friends with someone who is far away, I get it. There may be some relationships that aren't transportable; if they won't work without the structure of the same work place, then they certainly won't work without proximity. I have many friendships that I know will stand the test of distance and time. What I'm learning now, is which ones that have never experienced the stress of distance and time, will stand.
Moving to go and live with my husband is something I want like nothing else. My worries about being Canadian in an American world looms large these days, but I think that our common faith will be our guide in that. I have to put my fears in Jesus' hands when it comes to that. I don't want to be fiercely Canadian, I want to be a fierce follower Jesus, and at times that is going to go against nationality, governments, ideologies, and even laws. I have a vision of being at peace and resting once I live with him. I worry that I'm romanticizing it so much that I'm going to be disappointed when I actually get there, as things are never exactly as we imagine them. The stress of preparing to go and preparing my children to go is real. It's the reason I have the urge at times to just book a flight and leave it all behind, not even tell anyone what I'm doing. Just go, and tell everyone afterwards. Like eloping. It's ridiculous. What I need to do is stay in this moment. I'm here now, living and working, parenting and spending time with friends. This moment includes interludes with my husband. What we are learning is that our relationship is able to handle the stress of distance and time. We can do this despite my frustration at times that leaves me wanting to pull away. We have our routine's of phone calls and devotions and prayer that I need to stay plugged into. The peace and rest I'm seeking is not a destination or a moment in time. It is part of the whole journey and I have had wonderful moments both while in the presence of my husband and over the magic of the internet. The peace and rest that I need the most doesn't come from my marriage relationship, although God has given me plenty of that. It comes from only one person, Jesus. He travels with me wherever I go. There is no need to worry about distance and time with that relationship at all. If I can seek after that, no matter where I am or who I'm with, I can be at peace and rest.
