What misery is mine!
I am like one who gathers summer fruit
at the gleaning of the vineyard;
there is no cluster of grapes to eat,
none of the early figs that I crave.
The godly have been swept from the land;
not one upright man remains.
All men lie in wait to shed blood;
each hunts his brother with a net.
Both hands are skilled in doing evil;
the ruler demands gifts,
the judge accepts bribes,
the powerful dictate what they desire—
they all conspire together.
The best of them is like a brier,
the most upright worse than a thorn hedge.
The day of your watchmen has come,
the day God visits you.
Now is the time of their confusion.
Do not trust a neighbor;
put no confidence in a friend.
Even with her who lies in your embrace
be careful of your words.
For a son dishonors his father,
a daughter rises up against her mother,
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—
a man's enemies are the members of his own household.
But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD,
I wait for God my Savior;
my God will hear me.
Micah 7:1-7
"I have come to bring fire on the earth, and how I wish it were already kindled! But I have a baptism to undergo, and how distressed I am until it is completed! Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division. From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law."
Luke 12:49-53
My heart is grieved for those that these verses speak truth. It is such difficulties as these that seem unnatural, wrong, and somehow not of God's will. And yet He warned us. The path must seem so narrow and hard; so full of doubt; discouraged that your faith has not shown those you love that Jesus loves them. I am at a loss to understand this journey. I can only pray for compassion, wisdom and guidance from above to help you along your way.
Your family in Christ is with you. May you find peace in Jesus. One day it will all be as it is supposed to be.
For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
Colossians 1:19-20
13.11.06
3.10.06
It's All Right.
Lately, I'm just OK. Nothing is really that great or terrible. A good place to be in a world of disappointments, struggles, fears, famines, wars, rage, and depravity. I have some constants in my life that always seem to rise up and cause me some mental difficulty - but really, I'm OK. For a woman of great passion, this sits funny.
I've been reading 2Kings. Great stories and fabulous miracles. I have paused now for a bit on the Shunammite woman of chapter 4. She extends hospitality and service to the man of God - Elisha. Not just for a moment, but makes it part of her life and gives him a place in her home. She even informs her husband that this is what they are going to do. She asks for nothing. Elisha wants to give her something. Childless, Elisha tells her she will have a son - and she doesn't even want the gift. An unexpected gift from God. Have you ever had one of those? You question it, even want to reject it. Then the gift is taken from you and you figure it must not have come from your heavenly Father. It's bewildering. The Shunammite woman's son died. So, did God not give her that gift of a child? Was Elisha wrong to bestow such thing on a woman who did not ask for anything?
Her son died in her arms. My grandmother lost her youngest son at 16. Her response was straight out of scripture and reminds me of this woman here in 2Kings. "The LORD gave and the LORD hath taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:20 I know my grandma wept for her son before Jesus. She took the grief straight to the one who placed her in that moment. The Shunammite woman lays her son down on Elisha's bed and goes to find him. Elisha was her connection to the God we now can speak to through Jesus. She didn't even burden her husband with the knowledge of their sons death; or even dump her grief on him. When he asked her why she was going since he didn't understand why she needed to go - her response was as quick and steady as my grandmother's was. "It's all right."
Once before Elisha, her anger and grief mingle and it is clear that she is distressed. But she brought it to the feet of the one who could do something with it. It's all right. Did she know that Elisha would bring her son back to her? Elisha didn't even know why she was there! God didn't tell him - she had to. It's all right. How did she know that!? Was she just saying that? Was she protecting her husband or was she just delaying the inevitable sorrow, so she could scream at the man responsible? She never asked for a son!!
What do you need to yell at God about? What did you never ask for and get anyway? Is it all right with you? Or have you forgotten that Jesus didn't die so that you could hope that God is paying attention to your thoughts instead of hearing them flow out before Him in prayer? Jesus said "In that day you will no longer ask me anything. (he was telling his disciples this) I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name." John 16:23. Talk to God the Father. We don't need to find the prophet, we just need to actually pray.
So if it's all right with you, I'm going to remember to put my frustrations where they belong; in the hands of my maker. Beyond that - it's all right with me.
Lately, I'm just OK. Nothing is really that great or terrible. A good place to be in a world of disappointments, struggles, fears, famines, wars, rage, and depravity. I have some constants in my life that always seem to rise up and cause me some mental difficulty - but really, I'm OK. For a woman of great passion, this sits funny.
I've been reading 2Kings. Great stories and fabulous miracles. I have paused now for a bit on the Shunammite woman of chapter 4. She extends hospitality and service to the man of God - Elisha. Not just for a moment, but makes it part of her life and gives him a place in her home. She even informs her husband that this is what they are going to do. She asks for nothing. Elisha wants to give her something. Childless, Elisha tells her she will have a son - and she doesn't even want the gift. An unexpected gift from God. Have you ever had one of those? You question it, even want to reject it. Then the gift is taken from you and you figure it must not have come from your heavenly Father. It's bewildering. The Shunammite woman's son died. So, did God not give her that gift of a child? Was Elisha wrong to bestow such thing on a woman who did not ask for anything?
Her son died in her arms. My grandmother lost her youngest son at 16. Her response was straight out of scripture and reminds me of this woman here in 2Kings. "The LORD gave and the LORD hath taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:20 I know my grandma wept for her son before Jesus. She took the grief straight to the one who placed her in that moment. The Shunammite woman lays her son down on Elisha's bed and goes to find him. Elisha was her connection to the God we now can speak to through Jesus. She didn't even burden her husband with the knowledge of their sons death; or even dump her grief on him. When he asked her why she was going since he didn't understand why she needed to go - her response was as quick and steady as my grandmother's was. "It's all right."
Once before Elisha, her anger and grief mingle and it is clear that she is distressed. But she brought it to the feet of the one who could do something with it. It's all right. Did she know that Elisha would bring her son back to her? Elisha didn't even know why she was there! God didn't tell him - she had to. It's all right. How did she know that!? Was she just saying that? Was she protecting her husband or was she just delaying the inevitable sorrow, so she could scream at the man responsible? She never asked for a son!!
What do you need to yell at God about? What did you never ask for and get anyway? Is it all right with you? Or have you forgotten that Jesus didn't die so that you could hope that God is paying attention to your thoughts instead of hearing them flow out before Him in prayer? Jesus said "In that day you will no longer ask me anything. (he was telling his disciples this) I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name." John 16:23. Talk to God the Father. We don't need to find the prophet, we just need to actually pray.
So if it's all right with you, I'm going to remember to put my frustrations where they belong; in the hands of my maker. Beyond that - it's all right with me.
18.8.06
Why am I in this place anyway? Why do I have to go through this? Why can't I find peace? When will this start to make sense? How will I ever move beyond my pain?
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.
2 Corinthians 1:3-11 (emphasis mine)
OK. Let's be honest. None of us are facing death as Paul and his companions did. So, why do we then complain and whine and cry out for relief? Our pain is as real as we know and understand. What a comfort to know that I may not be able to handle that which God has given me - but Jesus can.
I wish that the comfort of others, the ability to teach others, the knowledge to lead souls to Christ, and the comfort of Jesus himself, did not come at such a high price. And yet the price he paid for me could never be matched. Never can I give him what he deserves for saving my selfish, sinful heart. All he wants is me, broken and bruised. In that lies the reason. Without my failures and struggles, I would not come to him at all.
Blessed be the name of the LORD! For he is good! I thank you LORD for that which brings me to my knees before you.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.
2 Corinthians 1:3-11 (emphasis mine)
OK. Let's be honest. None of us are facing death as Paul and his companions did. So, why do we then complain and whine and cry out for relief? Our pain is as real as we know and understand. What a comfort to know that I may not be able to handle that which God has given me - but Jesus can.
I wish that the comfort of others, the ability to teach others, the knowledge to lead souls to Christ, and the comfort of Jesus himself, did not come at such a high price. And yet the price he paid for me could never be matched. Never can I give him what he deserves for saving my selfish, sinful heart. All he wants is me, broken and bruised. In that lies the reason. Without my failures and struggles, I would not come to him at all.
Blessed be the name of the LORD! For he is good! I thank you LORD for that which brings me to my knees before you.
Bounce
We have to train ourselves to bounce away from sin; from that which ensnares our mind, our eyes, and our actions. I was listening to Fred Stoeker on Family Life talk about how he mastered his sinful nature. He said he's not special, he's not better than you or me, he just daily went to battle with sin. He lost a lot, but now says he wins more than he loses. And he reaps benefits; a better marriage, a happier outlook, a fulfilling relationship with Jesus, and a bigger pay check due to the book he wrote to help other men do what he did. Not bad. How can women get in on this one? We too have to bounce away from the temptation to sin.
Start with your mind.
"...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2Corinthians 10:5
It all starts there anyway. Jesus really pounded this home in the Sermon on the Mount. You murder in your mind, you commit adultery in your mind; your motives and your heart are under the judgement of God.
So a thought comes to mind, an image comes to mind, a fantacy comes to mind... check it, and make it captive to the obedience to Christ. This is an endless task.
Make a covenant with your eyes.
"I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl." Job 31:1
Ok, so I would never do that anyway, but the task is the same. What you spend your time looking at, is what goes into your heart and mind. And lets face it, women are not immune to lustfull glances at men; or to trying to garnish that from them. Jesus said "The eye is the lamp of the body." Matt. 6:22 What is illuminating your life?
Treat your spouse/others as Jesus would.
2Samuel 12:3-10 is the story that the Prophet Nathan told King David after his sin with Bathsheba and killing her husband. The lesson here is that the ewe lambs value to the poor man described in the story, is how precious your spouse is to God. From the male prespective this may make more sense; that they are to love and lead their wives. But we can still take the lesson and remember that God loves your spouse more than you'll ever be able to and can help you treat them with love and respect. Your sin does affect those closest to you. That's why this last part is in the plan. We have to move to loving behaviors that reflect a heart of obedience to Christ.
References:
tactics: securing the victory in every man's battle by Fred Stoeker
Family Life series: Every Man's Battle August 14-17/06
We have to train ourselves to bounce away from sin; from that which ensnares our mind, our eyes, and our actions. I was listening to Fred Stoeker on Family Life talk about how he mastered his sinful nature. He said he's not special, he's not better than you or me, he just daily went to battle with sin. He lost a lot, but now says he wins more than he loses. And he reaps benefits; a better marriage, a happier outlook, a fulfilling relationship with Jesus, and a bigger pay check due to the book he wrote to help other men do what he did. Not bad. How can women get in on this one? We too have to bounce away from the temptation to sin.
Start with your mind.
"...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2Corinthians 10:5
It all starts there anyway. Jesus really pounded this home in the Sermon on the Mount. You murder in your mind, you commit adultery in your mind; your motives and your heart are under the judgement of God.
So a thought comes to mind, an image comes to mind, a fantacy comes to mind... check it, and make it captive to the obedience to Christ. This is an endless task.
Make a covenant with your eyes.
"I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl." Job 31:1
Ok, so I would never do that anyway, but the task is the same. What you spend your time looking at, is what goes into your heart and mind. And lets face it, women are not immune to lustfull glances at men; or to trying to garnish that from them. Jesus said "The eye is the lamp of the body." Matt. 6:22 What is illuminating your life?
Treat your spouse/others as Jesus would.
2Samuel 12:3-10 is the story that the Prophet Nathan told King David after his sin with Bathsheba and killing her husband. The lesson here is that the ewe lambs value to the poor man described in the story, is how precious your spouse is to God. From the male prespective this may make more sense; that they are to love and lead their wives. But we can still take the lesson and remember that God loves your spouse more than you'll ever be able to and can help you treat them with love and respect. Your sin does affect those closest to you. That's why this last part is in the plan. We have to move to loving behaviors that reflect a heart of obedience to Christ.
References:
tactics: securing the victory in every man's battle by Fred Stoeker
Family Life series: Every Man's Battle August 14-17/06
18.6.06
Relationships are important. Probably the most important thing.
Matthew 22:37-39 says "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the most important commandment. The second most important commandment is like it: Love your neighbor as you love yourself." These two commands that Jesus gives are tied to our relationship to God. To love God with all of our being requires that you get to know him. And did you catch that part where it says 'is like it'? When we love others, it is like loving God. Just as Jesus said "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:40.
Heaven is about relationship. John 17:3 says "And eternal life means to know you, the only true God, and to know Jesus Christ, whom you sent." (Good News). Eternal life means to know God. What an awesome thought. Recently my cousin and I were chatting about sharing the gospel with family and friends. She said something that struck me as revolutionary. The question that often stalls our conversations is 'who goes to heaven and who goes to hell?'. We don't have the right to judge another person's heart; that's God's place. Instead of stalling, this can be a great opportunity to talk about the relationship God wants to have with us. It's all about the crazy love of God for us, wanting to be in a deep intimate relationship with us. When we choose to accept God's unconditional love and what Jesus did on the cross to cover our sins, to make it possible for us to be in a deep intimate relationship with God; heaven is then a continuation of that intimate relationship. We can simily say, 'Why would someone want an intimate relationship with God after they die if they don't want one when they're alive?'
I've been reading in the Old Testement lately, which has made me aware of the words used to describe God; his names and his character and even his authority. Jesus clearly states which God you need to know to experience relationship and through whom you get it. He says that eternal life is to know the only true God and to know Jesus (John 17:3). In John 14:6-7 he says "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes tothe Father except through me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well." There is only one BIG G. and many little g's. There is only one Big G. who created the universe; and this is the only true God who sent Jesus his son to die for you.
Our relationship to God and to others grows in love and intimacy as we journey in our walk with Jesus. Yet we will not achieve the fullness of relationship and knowledge until that day. 1 Corinthians 13:12 puts it perfectly, "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."
Matthew 22:37-39 says "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the most important commandment. The second most important commandment is like it: Love your neighbor as you love yourself." These two commands that Jesus gives are tied to our relationship to God. To love God with all of our being requires that you get to know him. And did you catch that part where it says 'is like it'? When we love others, it is like loving God. Just as Jesus said "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:40.
Heaven is about relationship. John 17:3 says "And eternal life means to know you, the only true God, and to know Jesus Christ, whom you sent." (Good News). Eternal life means to know God. What an awesome thought. Recently my cousin and I were chatting about sharing the gospel with family and friends. She said something that struck me as revolutionary. The question that often stalls our conversations is 'who goes to heaven and who goes to hell?'. We don't have the right to judge another person's heart; that's God's place. Instead of stalling, this can be a great opportunity to talk about the relationship God wants to have with us. It's all about the crazy love of God for us, wanting to be in a deep intimate relationship with us. When we choose to accept God's unconditional love and what Jesus did on the cross to cover our sins, to make it possible for us to be in a deep intimate relationship with God; heaven is then a continuation of that intimate relationship. We can simily say, 'Why would someone want an intimate relationship with God after they die if they don't want one when they're alive?'
I've been reading in the Old Testement lately, which has made me aware of the words used to describe God; his names and his character and even his authority. Jesus clearly states which God you need to know to experience relationship and through whom you get it. He says that eternal life is to know the only true God and to know Jesus (John 17:3). In John 14:6-7 he says "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes tothe Father except through me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well." There is only one BIG G. and many little g's. There is only one Big G. who created the universe; and this is the only true God who sent Jesus his son to die for you.
Our relationship to God and to others grows in love and intimacy as we journey in our walk with Jesus. Yet we will not achieve the fullness of relationship and knowledge until that day. 1 Corinthians 13:12 puts it perfectly, "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."
Get your relationship straight with the only true God through Jesus Christ, and you will find that all your other relationships - flowing out of that - can be better, stronger, closer to how God planned it.
20.5.06
THE ROOM
I didn't write this, but it had me in tears this morning; so I had to post it.
17-year-old Brian Moore had to write something for a class. The subject was what Heaven was like. "I wowed 'em," he later told his father, Bruce. "It's a killer. It's the bomb. It's the best thing I ever wrote." It also was the last.
Brian's parents had forgotten about the essay when a cousin found it while cleaning out the teenager's locker at his high school.
Brian had been dead only hours, but his parents desperately wanted every piece of his life near them-notes from classmates and teachers, his homework. Only two months before, he had handwritten the essay about encountering Jesus in a file room full of cards detailing every moment of the teen's life.
But it was only after Brian's death that Beth and Bruce Moore realized that their son had described his view of heaven.
"It makes such an impact that people want to share it. You feel like you are there." Mr. Moore said.
Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted.
The Moores framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family portraits in the living room. "I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it, " Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death.
"I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him.
Brian's Essay: The Room...
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room.
There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings.
As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.
This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed."
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given,"
"Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness:
"Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.
Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived.
Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth.
Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.
I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room!
I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card.
I became desperate and pulled out a card only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.
And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With."
The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt.
They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes.
No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.
No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly
as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw sorrow deeper than my own.
He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes.
Why did He have to read every one?
Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again.
He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
"No!" I shouted rushing to Him.
All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine.
It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.
He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door.
I didn't write this, but it had me in tears this morning; so I had to post it.
17-year-old Brian Moore had to write something for a class. The subject was what Heaven was like. "I wowed 'em," he later told his father, Bruce. "It's a killer. It's the bomb. It's the best thing I ever wrote." It also was the last.
Brian's parents had forgotten about the essay when a cousin found it while cleaning out the teenager's locker at his high school.
Brian had been dead only hours, but his parents desperately wanted every piece of his life near them-notes from classmates and teachers, his homework. Only two months before, he had handwritten the essay about encountering Jesus in a file room full of cards detailing every moment of the teen's life.
But it was only after Brian's death that Beth and Bruce Moore realized that their son had described his view of heaven.
"It makes such an impact that people want to share it. You feel like you are there." Mr. Moore said.
Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted.
The Moores framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family portraits in the living room. "I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it, " Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death.
"I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him.
Brian's Essay: The Room...
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room.
There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings.
As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.
This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed."
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given,"
"Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness:
"Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.
Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived.
Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth.
Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.
I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room!
I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card.
I became desperate and pulled out a card only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.
And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With."
The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt.
They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes.
No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.
No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly
as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw sorrow deeper than my own.
He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes.
Why did He have to read every one?
Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again.
He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
"No!" I shouted rushing to Him.
All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine.
It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.
He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door.
30.3.06
Trust His Voice
As I have tried to venture into silence and solitude, my discovery is somewhat unsettling; I'm afraid. I think my fear of silence with God is connected to my brand of faith. Being a Mennonite Brethern by culture and faith, I am somewhat straight laced at my core. Also, my athletic experiences exposed me to spiritual pathways and disciplines that re-inforced me to stick close to those traditional values. I have seen the dark side and the power of evil spirits; so I am quick to be happy in the safety that Jesus provides.
My fear is really of being charismatic. Why? Because it's unfamiliar. I have realised that I am afraid to let loose my spirit and my soul, for fear that I will lose control. And who will take control once it is no longer mine? Does Jesus not already have my spirit in His control? Satan cannot take what is not his. So, what then do I fear except God himself?
I tell you the truth, the man who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice.
I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me — just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep.
My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand.
John 10:1-5, 14-15, 27-29
Jesus tells his disciples not to be afraid so often (Matt. 10:31, Matt. 14:27, Luke 5:10, Mark 5:36, John 14:27). I am not to fear. He has conquered the evil one of this world. He has promised me that I won't follow after darkness if I belong to Jesus. I will run from all strangers and I will only follow His voice.
The next step is to just trust.
As I have tried to venture into silence and solitude, my discovery is somewhat unsettling; I'm afraid. I think my fear of silence with God is connected to my brand of faith. Being a Mennonite Brethern by culture and faith, I am somewhat straight laced at my core. Also, my athletic experiences exposed me to spiritual pathways and disciplines that re-inforced me to stick close to those traditional values. I have seen the dark side and the power of evil spirits; so I am quick to be happy in the safety that Jesus provides.
My fear is really of being charismatic. Why? Because it's unfamiliar. I have realised that I am afraid to let loose my spirit and my soul, for fear that I will lose control. And who will take control once it is no longer mine? Does Jesus not already have my spirit in His control? Satan cannot take what is not his. So, what then do I fear except God himself?
I tell you the truth, the man who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice.
I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me — just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep.
My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand.
John 10:1-5, 14-15, 27-29
Jesus tells his disciples not to be afraid so often (Matt. 10:31, Matt. 14:27, Luke 5:10, Mark 5:36, John 14:27). I am not to fear. He has conquered the evil one of this world. He has promised me that I won't follow after darkness if I belong to Jesus. I will run from all strangers and I will only follow His voice.
The next step is to just trust.
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