They tell me the best in life is free
And I feel spent so I guess it means that the best is mine
But it doesn’t seem so
While I’m out here confessing things
All last year got the best of me
And I’m not sure I’m ready for another go
It’s New Year’s Day
Euphoria’s gone, it’s time to move on
I have to believe we can change
When the notes come out wrong
Stop singing along
We can’t be the same old thing
It’s New Year’s Day
I’m tearing down the past years off the wall (it’s New
Year’s Day)
I’m coming at you like a wrecking ball (it’s New Year’s Day)
And I think I’m gonna make it after all
It’s New Year’s Day
~Switchfoot
I did it today... my name is no longer Hankey but back to
Klassen. It was so easy. I felt fine, or thought I did. But it seems each time I shed something of my marriage, there is
grief. As I pulled into my driveway when I arrived home, I ended up sitting in my car and crying. Over
twenty years of being Maria Hankey; getting used to signing my name that way,
being called 'Mrs. Hankey' and not cringing, and identifying with a
different family. Now it's just done. No fan fare. Just back to Klassen
(although there are many cards, banks, companies, and organizations that now need to be notified lol). When I became a teacher back in 2009, I regretted taking on
my married name; no one knew who I was anymore. All my athletic success and
contacts in the school districts only knew me as Klassen. However, for most of my adult
life I've been Hankey; most of my university education, my early coaching career, my children, and work history have all been done in my married name. I assume that many of my students will still call me
'Hankey' and I won't be upset, it's really not a problem. It's a part of who I am; it connects me to a
family, to my children, to my past. After twenty years of a marriage that
slowly deteriorated into an emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive mess,
I decided to shed the name as a symbol of something new yet old. Me reborn and
on a journey into what is ahead. Earlier today, I told my boyfriend that he should
be writing down his journey through 15 European
countries in 60 days so he has a record of where he went and what he did. So,
I'm writing here again to record my journey; which I need to do more often.
Yeah, my boyfriend... never thought I'd say that again. This is what
it is to be 45 and starting over.
I started this post quoting a Switchfoot song, because it captures what is in my head. There's been a lot of change and this year has punched me in the gut. As
I head toward my forty-fifth birthday, I'm feeling somewhat nostalgic and
reflective. It's New Year's Day for me. It's also the half way point in my
One Word for 2016 journey. I haven't been much of a '
warrior' it seems, but I've been wrong before about how well I'm doing with my word choice. There's just so much in my head, so much to process! I'm feeling good again and finding that my passions are changing and what I want for my future is evolving. I read my last post from December of 2015 - Grieving my Divorce - and it's good to see that I'm moving forward from that place. My oldest son revealed to me that the changes in me are not hidden; he's feeling it, experiencing it, and he's confused. Apparently, I'm doing and saying things he never expected. "What have you done with my mother!?" LOL I have to laugh at that! I guess I thought this was all going undetected, but it's not. I'm reshaping and it's showing. I'm very excited about that! It ignites in me! Anything is possible! And that's a good thing.
I have a bunch of things to process, so hang on, it's going to be long.
The elephant in the room when it comes to money is that my ex is not paying child support and that I have gone into debt trying to legally do something about it. I'm still in the process and it won't be finished up until December, and that's just an estimate from my lawyer. The whole issue around that makes me feel stupid; like how could I let this happen? How dumb am I to have had such a negligent lawyer in the first place, let agreements be made that weren't properly prepared, and let a judge and the whole process intimidate me. I cannot fix this problem. I have to let it go... and that is the path I'm choosing. I'm letting it go. Should justice be done? Of course... but I cannot bear that burden any longer. True justice is not of this world anyway.
So, lets not talk about the elephant in the room.
I don't make a lot of money, but it will get better from here. I've never been motivated by money, or making money. Raising my kids financially on my own these past two years has however put me in the hole. I would say I worry about it, but that wouldn't be accurate. I freak out about it! But only once in a while... then I pray, go to work, get busy with life, spend money, and just live. Then I freak out again, and find myself on my knees asking God to protect me financially. I do not lose sleep over it though. If I'm honest, I don't have a real clear financial plan. I'm thankful I have a pension, an investment, a tax free savings account that actually still has money in it, good credit, a job, and parents that are willing to help me for a little while. The money I spent on taking my kids to Kauai was the best money I ever spent. I wish I had stayed longer and spent more, done more. What I am really sure of now more than ever is I want to do things. I am confident that I can find a way to make it happen. I have always been able to pay for what I need, and even what I want sometimes. I am slowly getting rid of the stuff that holds me down; I sold my house and I don't think I'll ever own property again; sold my van; sold my tent trailer; and I want to start the process of reducing everything else so that eventually I could live without most of it. At this point, my children are still the priority, so all this stuff is necessary and my debt may increase. Urgh... but it is what it is and it will come to an end. I'm glad that the goals I have are not connected to purchasing more stuff, but investing in people and experiences.
I want to teach abroad, or coach abroad. Maybe in Uganda or Ghana. Maybe head back to Asia, Taiwan in particular. It would be interesting to try and find some of the students I coached back in 1991. I wonder if I could do that? Maybe I'll go to Vietnam or the Philippines. I even thought about going to teach in Kauai... that would seriously be great... but I think I'd have trouble working in that environment lol. I want to go to Mexico and Columbia. I'd like to go to orphanages and teach, or build a house for someone who has nothing, or spend a year working in a community somewhere that needs strong leaders in education. I want to go on missions again and experience the joy and purpose of bringing spiritual hope to those who don't know Jesus. I'd like to travel to Greece and Italy, and sit on the beaches in Nice, France. I'd like to get to Australia someday. I could go to New Zealand to see my old basketball coach from Grade 8 and 9; I'm sure he'd welcome me for a visit. I used to want to travel across North American with a fifth wheel and camp all along the way. I've thought of seeing if I could join disaster relief with MCC (Mennonite Central Committee) and go where the needs are. I just want to go. At first I thought this pull to get out of here was just wanting to escape. I have reasons to want to escape. With the lack of passion I've had this year, I really just wanted to get away from everything that seemed to be stuck on repeat in my life here in BC. I know, wherever I go, there I am. I know that travelling and teaching abroad is not going to change any of my
'problems'. But I don't want to focus on them anymore. My problems are not that bad. Maybe they're more like opportunities for growth... but I'm still in a holding pattern. I'm waiting for my youngest to grow up. It's not that far away. And I'm not old. I feel pretty good too... I hope and pray that my health can hang on for another 3-5 years. As I type this I think, why wait? I should go in the summers. I should hit the road on Spring Break and Christmas Break. I should sign up for short term missions. I should fly to the Grand Canyon and take that road trip down the Oregon Coast. I think I'm going to take my future and make it now. I want to embrace things now. I started seeking experiences right where I live a long time ago through camping and hiking and I've rediscovered it lately. This summer, I'm going to go see my cousins in Seattle, go to a concert, zip line in Whistler, paddle board on Alice Lake and Cultus, hike the Grouse Grind again, kayak from Deep Cove and with Dana:), picnic at Derby Reach Park and have a fire, and discover some new hiking trails with Stephany. I'm thankful this past year for my sister and her hubby for reminding me that I may not be able to leave the country right now, but I can enjoy the place I live, because it's pretty great. We'll have to go on a few epic city tours this July and discover the next great place to eat and drink. ;)
It's been said that I'm a good teacher, an excellent coach. I don't know who those people are, but it's been said. This year, and even last year, it seems that this is just puffed up hype so that I can keep my job. Now, I'm very aware that I'm being negative and that this kind of talk is really counter productive. Considering that my One Word for 2012 was Attitude, you'd think I'd have learned my lesson about how my negative attitude was holding me back from truly being in the zone and being happy (which was my Word for 2013 lol). But it seems its a battle that I just have to keep fighting. What I've discovered this year is that as I strive for excellence, so that I can be an accomplished teacher and a good coach, I need to work in my strengths. I do better when I collaborate, when I share my ideas, when I borrow the wisdom of others, and when I lead from my passion. My passion... that has been what I have somehow thrown a blanket on over the past year. I have felt as if I've been muffled. Stuck, tired, frustrated, ill prepared, and often lacking creativity. I've been numbing my emotions. Numbing my need for connection, for relationship, to once again be vulnerable, and it actually affected my work. While I was married, my girlfriends had become my safe place to be free without censoring myself. I am able to be vulnerable with them without fear and shame. I could do that because they never took advantage of my weakness. In my work place at the Elementary campus I had found safe people and lead from my imperfect authentic self. But in my last year teaching Grade 5, there was a shift in administration and the safety net seemingly developed some holes. I lost my safe place and the trust I'd been given by the previous principal - in my abilities to teach, deal with parents, work with students, and make decisions - diminished somewhat. Last summer, I coached two teams and the loss of my footing at work set me off and I felt completely incapable of coaching well. It was an emotional summer... but miraculously, my teams did well and the girls and I bonded and learned. As I've moved on to the High School, with a new principal and staff members to get to know, its been rough. I still haven't found my sweet spot. So, how do you get your passion back and become focused again? I thought I would try dating. As you know, it's not going to turn out well.
Dating is, well... I found this quote on Facebook... yeah, no, I'm not getting my wisdom from social media, but it was funny. So here it is... Dating after 40 is easy. It's like riding a bike. But the bike is on fire. And the ground is on fire. Everything is on fire. Because you're in hell.
Yup, that pretty much sums it up. I had been asked out by numerous men prior to my decision to check it out, but they were all bottom feeders who knew I had just left my husband and had seemingly been waiting for that to happen. I never said yes to any of them. Then this past September, I had a conversation with a young twenty something co-worker who talked about dating Apps, and so the journey began. I should have known that doing what women in their twenties are doing would be overwhelming. I got so many messages and likes and matches that I didn't have time to look at them. I ended up in ridiculous conversations with 'boys' who wanted the full cougar treatment and grown men who couldn't handle my busy schedule. I was stood up and ended up at a house party; I danced with many a dud; texted with a guy from Seattle who tried to talk to me about my daddy issues; and discovered I was one of two women being auditioned by another gentlemen. Was I on the bachelor? I found that the same struggle with boundaries around physicality existed for me even in my forties. I had only stuck my head into the dating scene for two months and I was exhausted with it. I gave it up. This of course didn't last... because through this process, although really not great, I still discovered that I really missed men and wanted to be back in connection with one. I just only wanted one. All the fun I thought I was having, I wasn't having and I didn't want any part of that whole ridiculous scene. I'm crazy, but not insane. What I learned, and thankfully pretty quickly, is what I wanted and what I didn't want. I learned that I want relationship, connection, company, sex, passion, trust, love, familiarity, support, and just enough difference that we affect one another in a positive way; and I wanted all this my way, on my schedule, with my boundaries. Seemed pretty simple on paper. I got real clear when I'd meet someone and when it became clear it wasn't what I wanted, I moved on. I lifted this up to my Jesus and hoped I wasn't being too selfish or godless about what I was doing. But I'm old and I couldn't be that pie in the sky twenty year old who thinks it will all work out when I know it doesn't. I actually didn't really think that any of this was possible. I know that love is not easy. Love is trouble, rebellious, controversial, and requires a heart of forgiveness and arms of grace. I have been deeply wounded by relationship. But I have to believe that it's still worth it to be vulnerable. I have to believe it for my children, who still have the chance to do it well. I have to believe it for myself, or I will miss out on something wonderful. I thought I could just love my students, love the athletes I coach, love my kids, love my co-workers, my family and friends, love teaching... but it seems I want more. I've prayed that I would find a way to be satisfied as a single woman. Maybe I will. In the meantime, I hope that the journey includes a lifelong connection with a man who can be truly connected to a woman who is too much for most and worth all the trouble.
My One Word for 2016, Warrior, has been on the back burner in my mind since probably February. I've been preoccupied with struggling at work and not feeling like I'm conquering. I am still taking the battle field to prayer, but I seem to daily get stuck in the mud of procrastination, negativity, and frustration. It hasn't helped that my co-workers are feeling the very same things. Teachers are terrible for complaining together instead of uplifting one another. It's not very warrior like at all and I hate complainers. I am committed at this point, with six months left in 2016, to be a warrior who tackles complaints with the sword of the spirit which is truth. A warrior who acts in faith that the plans made and the gifts given to me will be sufficient for the task. A warrior who is ready with the right equipment to take on what's ahead. I've had somewhat of an awakening in the past couple of months. A new perspective from an outside source (hmmm.... I wonder who that could be... ;) always helps. It's like this warrior has received intel on the enemy from someone on the other side of the battle. I feel like I have some new weapons and a new ally to help me get where I'm going. Full steam ahead! :)
Back to the song that I posted the lyrics for... New Year's Day. I think it touches on all the things that are glancing off me on a funny angle at this point in life. I'm confessing that it hasn't been a smooth ride and that I feel spent; yet the hope of a future is sprouting out of the chaos. I need to finish my parenting job... who am I kidding!! That's never really done. I don't want to move forward so fast, that I miss the lessons and beauty right here, right where I am and live. I'm still dismantling the past, but I have come to a better place that has a clearer view of the future. The euphoria of my new life is definitely gone, but I will get back in the zone.
I need to move on out of this reflective place because I have work to do. I think I may come back and change this or add to it later, but for now... I've got to go.
I’m tearing down the past years off the wall
I’m coming at you like a wrecking ball
And I think I’m gonna make it after all
It's gonna be OK!
It's New Year's Day!
