"The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit." - John 3:8
The movement of the Spirit is like the wind... to bring salvation... to bring change in your heart... does the Spirit only move to bring salvation? Can I take this out of context and use it for any movement of the Spirit in your life, in my life... in anything? Because I want to do that... I've never allowed the Holy Spirit to be the wind in my relationships with men. Not ever. Which is pretty bad. I don't think that I've relied on the Holy Spirit to move or do anything when I'm dealing with romance. I didn't even ask or listen when choosing my first husband. Instead, I've made decisions and then asked for the Spirit to move... not really very smart. In my defense, I don't think that I've actually been conscientiously aware of the order in which I'm asking for the assistance of God, the presence of Jesus, and the movement of the Spirit. I don't know if that's any better. Overall, I have tended to make decisions then ask for God's blessing... which is generally ass-backwards. The times that I have prayed for direction and then acted, have been so amazing that I really should only do it that way.
So after my last dating relationship ended... I lifted up my prayers for what I wanted in a man, in a husband, to God. I wanted Jesus to know what I wanted. I said it all out loud as I was walking, not because I had to in order for God to hear it, but because I needed to know that I had definitely done it. I laid it all out there and I was picky. I was asking for the Spirit to bring someone to me because I was impatient and frustrated. Once I was done, I felt better... and then went home and signed up for Christian Mingle. LOL Let's face it, I didn't expect God to drop my husband out of the sky! Six months... if this doesn't work after six months, I'm off and will try something else. All those other stupid free apps were filled with junk men and I was done playing around. I also realized that I wanted a man who loves Jesus. I had thought I could just not worry about that; I figured I don't need a man to increase my faith or improve my walk with Jesus. But I actually do want someone to challenge me, walk with me in it, open my eyes to something I didn't see, and point me to Jesus when I'm not focused on him. Anyway, I joined October 9th, on a Sunday evening.
Now, just three weeks later, I'm falling in love. It makes no sense and lacks any logical pinning. At the beginning I even noted that it was ill advised because... he's in Arizona. Yeah... God has a sense of humour. I'm impatient, so Jesus sends me my man, but then says, sorry, you still have to wait... he's in Arizona. Urgh... BAHAHABAH!! My usual plan of meeting right away to avoid false intimacy through online chatting... well that is way gone! What I'm learning through this, is that getting to know him and communicating with him without the physical is just what I needed. We are meeting... but that can't happen right away so we've had all this time to get to know each other, online and on the phone. By the time I meet him, see him in the flesh, hold his hand, and give him a kiss... it'll have been four weeks... but it feels like longer... and not in a bad way. Long distance relationships are hard, but we haven't even seen each other in the flesh... we're starting like this... I feel like this is unprecedented. I should do some research on that... lol
Despite it's illogical beginning and the distance we are dealing with... it's pretty cool!! I'm very happy with all the things that keep falling into place. He's like comfort food, comfy clothes, a warm drink on a cold night, and a movie I love to watch over and over.... and yet there is anticipation and a little fear of what's ahead... such a wonderful mix of bliss and tension... its passionate before I've come into contact with him and comfortable before history has created a rhythm. It's in the wind... that's the only way to explain it. I've been trying to put it into words for over a week, and I can't.
"The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear it's sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes." John 3:8
As I already said, I know that in context this is talking about how the Spirit moves to change a heart, how being born again happens; but I don't think I am out of line to extrapolate that the Spirit works that way in other areas. This is how I am currently understanding how I'm falling in love... the wind is blowing... and I'm allowing it to pick me up and take me where it wants me to go. I am allowing the Spirit, Jesus, to direct my feelings for him. Just when I want to pull back or guard my heart, the Spirit moves again. I'm given an open path and his strength, gentleness, understanding, trust, familiarity, vulnerability, and direction leads me where the wind is blowing... straight into his arms. I keep praying it will never stop.
Allowing the Spirit to lead this is proving to be super challenging and is forcing me to give God control of my desire for sexual connection. Part of that is being done because he's not here, and I am learning about him and falling in love with him without being able to express any of that through physical touch. I never would have thought that I needed to do that, but I did. I'm learning to lean into God on this because I have to. I was wrestling with God once we agreed to meet because I had heard from Jesus that I had to wait to have sex with him. I was distraught... I tried to ignore the Spirits voice... but God was persistent with me. Jesus didn't demand this of me but gently asked me to trust him. And then he warned me... if you do this your way, you'll lose him. I was so mad at God for telling me that. I begged him to not do that! What if I mess up? What if I can't do it? Please don't take him from me because I'm weak! It's not fair! I've relented to the wind however, and the moment I did, I was released from the pressure and torment that had been building up. I'm no longer worried about messing it up, because God is gracious to me and wants to give me good things. I still want to have him now, to give all of me to him now, but I'm going to follow what Jesus is asking me to do and wait.
I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
by the gazelles or
the does of the field,
that you not stir up or awaken love
until it pleases.
Song of Solomon 2:7
There are at least three other times in the Song of Solomon where it says that. I have spent some time reading the Song of Solomon and it's beautiful. The story of how love unfolds, of how it pleases God... it's so cool that that's in the Bible. I want to awaken love when it pleases God. In chapter 8, you see how this happens. It seems, that a seal on your heart, a seal on your arm, put there by your lover, put there by God, is what awakens it. When love finally pleases, it is as strong as death, it is a passionate jealous fire that cannot be quenched or bought with money. I'm a bit unorthodox when I say that I don't think that means marriage as we understand it in our culture. I do believe that even in this broken world where sex and marriage have not gone hand in hand, and even in my own sexual brokenness, God has not changed his mind. He still desires for one man and one woman to be united, to know each other, and only each other, until death. I don't want to give away that part of me to anyone anymore unless he is my husband. That being said, and I have some trepidation in saying this, this man from Arizona, he is my husband. He has said it to me... he has placed the seal on my heart and on my arm. I believe him. Time and distance and circumstance and legalities will most likely keep us from that for longer than either of us wants. I don't know how long I will have to wait... and I know that the next time I see him after our first meeting, I will hear Jesus speak to me about this again. I anticipate an awakening of love and I am praying for it.
I am falling in love... and I pray for the strength to follow the wind of the Spirit.
