Partners for life

I wonder if marriage works...? I know it works when I look around me... it works for each couple in their own way. It requires so much selfless behaviour balanced with an awareness of your own limitations to bear someone else's trouble, dysfunction, and selfishness.

Partners for life... I want that... but lately I've been playing with the notion that a more expedient way of thinking is that people evolve and so 'for life' is not feasible. It avoids disappointment if you already believe it won't last forever; you'll only put in what you may get back, you'll guard your heart, and leave before the trouble becomes too difficult to bear. If you're always putting up boundaries, ensuring that you're not extending too much time, investing too much emotion, and costing yourself money, don't you also miss out on the benefits of the fullness of love? It is a heartless, selfish, near sighted perspective.

I'm scared... because if I want to have a relationship that reflects vulnerability, love, self sacrifice, and grace I may get hurt again. I may have to walk part way down the path with more than one potential partner, putting my heart out there only to have to clean it off and try again.

This is infinitely harder the second time around. I know all the risks. I know what might happen. I find myself suspicious of motives. I find myself jumping in with two feet even though I should be older and wiser... I don't want to be desperate... but there is an element of desperation in anyone who is looking for connection.

To my partner, to my lover I say...

I'm walking towards you... please be gentle, even as I push in too hard... even as I overwhelm you with all I think and feel... even as try to tear down your boundaries... even as I reveal my darkness... be gentle. Don't let me take you somewhere you don't want to go. Be gentle ... even though I will ask you to bend. Please be willing to allow me to change you as you are already changing me.... be gentle. Be gentle with me even if you think I'm not being gentle with you... show me your gentleness and I will put down my sword. Let me find a place to be fully me. I will give to you more than I receive.