I wish I had a cabinet full of wine and money in the bank. That was the sentiment that went through my head today as I drove away from my place of work.
WORK
School is coming to a close and it's not been a bad year of teaching. This year teaching physical education didn't feel like a nightmare; it helps when you have a gym. I spent last year leading students in physical activity, sport, and active living without a gym. Let me tell you, this outdoor girl has a new appreciation for indoor activity. I feel like teaching has gone well and I conquered the curriculum. I had some successes and some misses; I handled my reporting better; I didn't completely figure out how to motivate my grade eight class, but we managed; I saw some amazing growth in my senior students in both classes I taught them; I think I hit the ball out of the park teaching sewing; and my evaluation is finally over.
I work at a small private Christian school in a farming community in the middle of suburbia. I almost decided not to return to this place of learning in the fall. This spring I sought to end the struggle of working for too little pay and with a superior who not only lacks leadership ability but is also completely unprofessional. I applied to teach in the public sector as this is the year for which BC teachers have been waiting. Private sector teachers across the province have been considering making the jump to the public sector as the flood gates have opened up for the districts to hire, and hire a lot. After two interviews and two job offers, I was suddenly torn. The previous two years at work had been very difficult, but as I put together my resume and a portfolio of my work and abilities, I started to see the diverse experience that my school had provided. In my interviews I heard that I was qualified, capable, flexible, smart, a good communicator, familiar with appropriate assessment techniques, and able to work with the new curriculum with ease. These were things that I had not heard about my teaching in a number of years. These were things I had not heard about myself. Yeah, it's the old bull shit stuff from my previous marriage still clogging up my life. I cannot believe that it still rears it's ugly head every now and then. Anyway, going through the process of seeking another job was nerve racking and exhilarating all at the same time. I was thrilled to be seen as good at my job, sought after in the field, and worthy of more money. That was actually the biggest emotional hit; to realize that I was not getting paid what I was worth. It brought me to tears.
Here's the rub.... when I added up what the change would cost me, it didn't make sense to make the jump. The public sector was offering me more money, better benefits, more opportunity for professional development, better retirement plans, and higher potential future earnings. That would all be great, if I didn't have to go without pay for two months, had an actual job and not just a teaching on call position with a verbal promise that I would most likely get a job by November, and was staying in BC for the rest of my working life. I have too much debt to handle no pay for two months and I'm supporting my family, so I can't work on call hoping it will all work out. Plus, I'm moving to Arizona in two years. It didn't add up to a good idea for me. It felt like a kick to the gut and a pat on the back all at the same time.
During this process of seeking a job elsewhere, there was an external administration evaluation going on at my school. This opened the door for myself and my fellow staff members to speak up about our situation and try to find solutions. I found myself revealing events and speaking honestly about how our work environment was being affected by the poor leadership we were under. As part of my contract negotiations, I made it clear that these issues needed to be addressed and plans made for them to be dealt with or I may not sign. I was seriously considering making the jump if there was going to be no plans for changes. This process has also been nerve racking and exhilarating all at the same time. I am so pleased that conversations have gone well, actions have been taken, and plans for future reconciliation are in motion. My decision to stay was not just about money and practicality, but also about how the administration and board has handled the evaluation and tried to respond to our needs. We have yet to move forward on all action plans, but at least we have them and our concerns have been heard and acted on. It should be noted... I did get a raise and a very good position for next year. I am teaching Health and Physical Education for grades 6-12, Christian Studies for grade 9-12, and instructing in Career Education, Planning, and Graduation Transitions. It's really my dream job.
So... Why did I go through the hassle of trying to find a different job if this was going to be the end result? Did I make the right decision? The answer to those questions will actually be answered at the end, because it's about love and not work.
KIDS
My youngest son has been doing pretty well in Grade 10. He's found an actual group of friends that I trust and when he isn't home, I don't worry about it. He's independently getting up for school most of the time and gets himself from A to B on his own on most occasions. I think he's doing pretty well in school. Is it bad that I don't really care and I'm more glad that he's found a good group of friends, is making good choices in social situations, has found a place to belong at a church youth group, and is treating girls well? I know school is important, I'm a teacher! But I would rather he be kind and love Jesus, than be a straight A, arrogant, asshole, that sees girls as trophies, treats me terribly, and has no time for matters of the heart. He has made good choices this year. He's not perfect and still has a lot of growing up to do, but I like how it's currently going. The best part, is that he has found a church community where he feels safe and is growing. I couldn't be happier. I know that the next two years are going to be super stressful for him. Final years in high school usually have students considering who they are going to be and what they are going to do. My little guy is also going to have to consider moving out of the country with his mother or staying here on his own. That is a pretty big thing to have hanging over you. I think the safe thing is for him to come along for the ride with me... but it may not be what's best for him. However, staying here means being able to find a place to live, work and still somehow go to school. It's not even clear to me what he should do or what would be harder. I really feel for him.
My daughter has returned from a year of Bible school in an outdoor discipleship program and living on campus. It's pretty clear that it was a total bust. She academically failed out of the first semester, losing two bursaries and owing the school money. I refused to pay it, even though I couldn't have anyway. She revealed her plight to the rest of her program buddies, and they covered the cost for her after the leader of the program reinstated one of them. Her academic failure cost her graduating the program. She basically got a $10,000 loan to hang out on campus, chase after boys, and participate in outdoor activities. I shouldn't be so negative, but it feels like she just had a very expensive gap year; she even admitted as much once in the car with me. It is her life, and I'm thankful that she is learning some lessons. She has a job this summer at her favourite summer camp and will actually get paid for it as opposed to just volunteering. Until the middle of June, she's just hanging out here. It's not all bad. She has been cooking and cleaning and has given up boys as a way to fight her boredom. Her plans are to work for the next year and prepare for going into nursing, which could mean taking some high school biology. She will find her way. If nothing at all, she's good with people and loving and kind, and she loves Jesus. Isn't that all I want for my kids anyway? I have to remind myself sometimes...
My oldest son has finally hit pay dirt when it comes to his job. He's working up in northern BC building a gold mine with Tru-Steel. After paying his way through BCIT and spending the last couple of years working for so many different companies I've lost track, he is signed on for his apprenticeship as a sheet metal fabricator and even doing some welding. I'm so proud of him. He's worked really hard. He's finally holding up his end and paying to live in my house, consistently. We would have had to move if he couldn't start giving me actual rent money, and he'd have been kicked out. I can't support him anymore. He is still struggling along with his girlfriend and I worry about that, but I cannot tell him who to love or how to do it right. I've made my own mistakes and often find myself correcting some of his thinking that comes from what he saw growing up. But he loves Jesus, and he is kind. He's a good man. Wow, my son is a man... I really think that this year, he's become a man. I don't see him as a boy anymore. I pray that he can find his way and that God would bless him financially and most of all to be blessed in his relationships. I don't want him to have a hard life, but I know that is not really up to me.
Parenting has been a very exhausting journey in the past five years. I relish the breaks that I receive and cannot wait for longer ones and the time when the constant work is over. I will always love them with a fierceness and faithfulness that is beyond my understanding. But I'm thankful that Jesus loves them more than I do.
I have four new kids in my life that I've been blessed with through my fiance. I hardly know them, but I'm already thinking and praying for them and being drawn into their world. God has often brought them to mind, telling me to pray for them. It's good to know that I'm being drawn in by Jesus even before I've met two of them. I think about the three girls and each of their different personalities and interests; the struggles they have now and may have later; and the pressures that the world puts on them. I want desperately to get to know each of them more intimately. I have had some small opportunities to make connections with the two youngest girls, and it gives me a charge of excitement when I sense that brief moment that we share, where I see them and they see me. Another boy is also in the mix. He is in the thick of trying to find himself in a world that can be confusing for young men. As he tries to pursue manhood and find his way, I think of my own boys and what they go through. He is on my heart more these days as I sense that he is in a crucial place. Like my own children, I want them to be kind and loving, to have good relationships, and to love Jesus. What I've learned is that I need to pray for their dad... and even their mothers. They are influencing and guiding and loving those kids, even the adult ones. So, I pray. I think it's a good practice... I'll get to know them more and more, through what my fiance tells me and soon from my own interactions with them. I'm excited to start this journey of relationship with these four new young people. It's a very hopeful adventure and a gift from my Heavenly Father. I am not really sure that I'm up for the challenge of mentoring more young people, but He has a plan for my relationship with them, and I am thankful that Jesus loves them more than I ever will.
LOVE
For loves sake... I have tried on my journey in singleness to find ways to love. Love my friends and family, my co-workers, students, athletes I coach, and be willing to love in relationship. Love is risky, and with my wounds, I haven't always been very good at it. I'm selfish and have chosen at times to only love myself. I think it may have been all I could do. But when I've extended myself outward I have not been disappointed. My exhaustion is rewarded, and the peace and joy that follows is yet another selfish reason to choose the way of love.
As I reflect on my decision to stay at my small insignificant job in the little school where God has placed me, I remember love. I love those with whom I work. Their lives have intertwined with mine as we've laboured together and worked to see our students grow and develop. They have become apart of my local family, where we are united because of Jesus. My love for my students is different and more like a parent. I know it is for but a brief moment that I can love them and push them and try to point them toward their best, but it is in that moment that I know God wants me to be present. I hope I haven't missed any opportunities with any of them. I pray that my decision to stay is part of God's plan not just for me but also for them. And as I consider the last two years in which I will be a part of this community, I again remember love. It is for love that I made this choice.
I lamented saying no to jumping into the public sector for work. All I had wanted back when my teaching journey began in 2009 was to work in the public sector. Then when it was being offered, I said no. I was internally yelling at myself! What was I doing!? Make the jump! Don't let these details sway you! Take the risk! It'll be worth it! You'll be a part of something bigger. You'll be bigger! But I said no. I actually made a practical decision that had some basis in looking at facts, weighing the costs, and evaluating my situation. I made a decision about work that wasn't based on my own ego or emotions. And it actually felt wrong at first. I didn't know what to do with how it felt either. And so, I lamented. Yes, I made a practical decision, but that decision is based on choosing love. I would have jumped if not for love.
My life is filled with love. I have over the past eight months been blessed by the love of a man who I believe is a gift to me from my Heavenly Father. I know, it sounds cheesy... but on this I will not be moved. This love has opened up my heart and eyes to a better outlook and to the possibilities. New hope fills my mind and I am sure about our future more than I am about anything else. It has shaped my decisions; plans that I thought I would execute alone, are now unfolding with a partner. When I made the choice to stay in my current job, I was choosing this path of love and marriage and partnership. I was choosing to trust that this is what God has in store for my future. I was choosing to trust him, to trust that I could partner with him and not lose myself, but gain instead more. Even as I type this, I know this is a risk. To trust and risk love has changed the course of my life. Love has set in motion a new plan, a joint direction, and an adventure that I'm both nervous and excited about. I pray often for God to reveal the plans and the purpose of our partnership. And yet, I don't want to complicate it or put pressure where there should be none. There is peace in this place and after so much turmoil and struggle, I look forward to the oasis that this love has given me. For now, it is an oasis that I visit when we are together, when we talk, and when we pray. Soon it will be an oasis in which I live and will go forward from into the next chapter.
