I went to a concert with my future husband two weeks ago. I think he noticed that I cried during a song that I'd never heard before. It was as if they were singing this song to me... she was looking right in my eyes. Even thinking about it now, I still get a lump in my throat and my eyes are brimming with tears.
I've been hurt. I act tough and I know how to pull through. I lean on my faith and trust that Jesus has me, right in his arms where I'm safe... despite what it sometimes looks like in my reality. I embrace my life with the joy that comes from within. My lover has seen through my tough exterior... I'm glad... but now I'm also exposed. I am vulnerable more than I was a month ago... I want to be and yet it is such a difficult place to live. So honey... be gentle with me.
... I'm just trying to make a happy life.... and I can't do it alone... don't you want to hold me close, let me be the thing you want the most.... I don't want to ask for much, just your simple truthful touch.... so please be truthful with me, that's all I want and need.... If I wanted all of you, would that be too much to ask.... I could take it all back, but I don't want too.... I don't want half and I shouldn't have to ask for that... it's all or nothing in fact, and I don't want half...
These words from the Paper Bird song when I heard them that night... were the words of my man being sung to me, by people that had no idea of their impact. It was amazing... as if planned for me to hear and absorb deep into my heart. The song seems to address my past and my future in ways that are, in my opinion, not an accident.
... so take the money, take the feeling, take this poison, take back your name.... and come the night time, take your things out of the closet, here's your ring.... take my heart up off the floor and onto a shelf forever more.... cause I don't want it, I don't want it not with your footprints upon it.... I don't want it, I don't want it not with your footprints upon it... I don't want it!
That's the part that made me cry... I didn't want my heart the way it was... it took two years to recover... and I wonder if I'm there yet... I so desperately want to keep my heart off that shelf. I don't want it to have visible footprints on it that seep sadness, bitterness, and fear into my future. I am praying that Jesus has healed me... is it wrong to want, to think, that my lover could heal me? Or help to heal me? Could I help to heal him? Is that not what we are meant to do for one another?
The farther I go down this path of intentionally being with this man and planning for a future, the more potential I see and yet there is more opportunity for failure. This is the road the path of love is taking me down. I have found my partner, and now the work begins.
.... I just want to make the happy life I've been waiting for so long... so would you please, be careful with me, wide open and free.... be the kind of man you've been to afraid to be...
I won't give half... in fact, I will give all of me.
I don't want half - Paper Bird
25.11.16
23.11.16
My Burden
Every time...
It seems there is not a time that I'm not moved to tears after talking to my kids about their visits with their dad. They find solace in each other by making jokes and I cringe a little. I ask them to somehow show honour and respect. It is, at this point in their journey, a futile request.
I'm at a loss... my burden is this; I chose an emotionally stunted, abusive, self centered, sociopath as the father of my children. At twenty one, I did not realize I had done that. I ask myself sometimes, did I know with the second child? Did I know with the third? Women are often criticized for having children with abusive men; and for continuing to have more children with them once they have been exposed to the abuses. When I was still married, he would often blame all his troubles on our unplanned pregnancy. I dismissed this claim. How could year after year that 'mistake' be the reason for every other difficulty or set back? My son was not a mistake. I had moved on; worked and succeeded, finished school, grown in so many ways. Why was he so stuck? When my daughter came along, I planned her and was excited about the next phase as a married woman. I had my degree, I owned a house, I had a station wagon, I volunteered, I worked part time. Within six months of her birth, I had packed up quickly and taken a bus with my kids to run away, only to return in two weeks. Sometimes, I still wonder why I came back. I was still afraid. He was still mad. When my youngest son was born, it had been a good time... everything seemed to be going so much better. After his birth, I knew I would never have another child with this man. Thankfully, my doctor gave me the medical reason I needed to stop having more children. I knew that I had to stand in what I had, that I was in a dangerous place, that I had to shore up my resources and survive for my kids. I stayed home from work after that. I couldn't be divided, my home had to be my focus. My Jesus, my church, and my home. In the crucible of those terrible years, I came to know Jesus and the Word of God like I'd never known them before. The beauty that came out of the fire were my children, the growth in my faith, and my knowledge of the Word.
When it all finally ended three years ago, I thought my burden was gone; but now I wonder if it will ever leave. Every time my children spend time with their dad, there is fall out. They come home either agitated or despondent. The conversations that my children have about their father is a mixture of anger and crass humour. I rarely see the sadness that lies beneath. Their tears seem to be gone or deep under a pile of bitterness. They lack all respect for this man who helped bring them here and it is hard to listen to at times. I find myself pulled into the discussion to either explain or show empathy for what they are experiencing. I have shared all of it with them; they know about my struggle to obtain child support, the affairs, and even some of the little details. I am afraid that I have crossed the line, gone too far in my empathy, said too much to help them understand, and only encouraged rage and bitterness. I wonder if I have been harbouring bitterness in the disguise of seeking justice? I wonder if this has seeped into them?
It's finished. The bitterness must stop here. The anger has to be released for the sadness to finally be let out. I have to change the dialogue. All I can do is guide them, set a new standard, start over. My burden is not that I married him, it is that I too have to let Jesus take this and redeem it. Daily giving Him every piece, every memory, every inch of bitterness that the devil wants to sow in my heart. It must go to the cross. When my children come to me, I need to first pray and find a new pattern. I can't change their situation, but I hope I can guide them to change how they handle it. Find boundaries where there were none, find peace where it is lacking, find joy where bitterness was taking root.
I just feel no resolution on this matter... it is frustrating to come to the end of writing and still feel unsettled.
UPDATE!
Meeting with my sons and a phone call with my daughter.... feeling peace from the confirmation of wise friends and family who have helped to point me in the right direction. Feeling the love and support from my man... he is so wise and trusts in the Lord. Prayers have settled my spirit. I'm so glad I listened to the Holy Spirits whispers....
God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
It seems there is not a time that I'm not moved to tears after talking to my kids about their visits with their dad. They find solace in each other by making jokes and I cringe a little. I ask them to somehow show honour and respect. It is, at this point in their journey, a futile request.
I'm at a loss... my burden is this; I chose an emotionally stunted, abusive, self centered, sociopath as the father of my children. At twenty one, I did not realize I had done that. I ask myself sometimes, did I know with the second child? Did I know with the third? Women are often criticized for having children with abusive men; and for continuing to have more children with them once they have been exposed to the abuses. When I was still married, he would often blame all his troubles on our unplanned pregnancy. I dismissed this claim. How could year after year that 'mistake' be the reason for every other difficulty or set back? My son was not a mistake. I had moved on; worked and succeeded, finished school, grown in so many ways. Why was he so stuck? When my daughter came along, I planned her and was excited about the next phase as a married woman. I had my degree, I owned a house, I had a station wagon, I volunteered, I worked part time. Within six months of her birth, I had packed up quickly and taken a bus with my kids to run away, only to return in two weeks. Sometimes, I still wonder why I came back. I was still afraid. He was still mad. When my youngest son was born, it had been a good time... everything seemed to be going so much better. After his birth, I knew I would never have another child with this man. Thankfully, my doctor gave me the medical reason I needed to stop having more children. I knew that I had to stand in what I had, that I was in a dangerous place, that I had to shore up my resources and survive for my kids. I stayed home from work after that. I couldn't be divided, my home had to be my focus. My Jesus, my church, and my home. In the crucible of those terrible years, I came to know Jesus and the Word of God like I'd never known them before. The beauty that came out of the fire were my children, the growth in my faith, and my knowledge of the Word.
When it all finally ended three years ago, I thought my burden was gone; but now I wonder if it will ever leave. Every time my children spend time with their dad, there is fall out. They come home either agitated or despondent. The conversations that my children have about their father is a mixture of anger and crass humour. I rarely see the sadness that lies beneath. Their tears seem to be gone or deep under a pile of bitterness. They lack all respect for this man who helped bring them here and it is hard to listen to at times. I find myself pulled into the discussion to either explain or show empathy for what they are experiencing. I have shared all of it with them; they know about my struggle to obtain child support, the affairs, and even some of the little details. I am afraid that I have crossed the line, gone too far in my empathy, said too much to help them understand, and only encouraged rage and bitterness. I wonder if I have been harbouring bitterness in the disguise of seeking justice? I wonder if this has seeped into them?
It's finished. The bitterness must stop here. The anger has to be released for the sadness to finally be let out. I have to change the dialogue. All I can do is guide them, set a new standard, start over. My burden is not that I married him, it is that I too have to let Jesus take this and redeem it. Daily giving Him every piece, every memory, every inch of bitterness that the devil wants to sow in my heart. It must go to the cross. When my children come to me, I need to first pray and find a new pattern. I can't change their situation, but I hope I can guide them to change how they handle it. Find boundaries where there were none, find peace where it is lacking, find joy where bitterness was taking root.
I just feel no resolution on this matter... it is frustrating to come to the end of writing and still feel unsettled.
UPDATE!
Meeting with my sons and a phone call with my daughter.... feeling peace from the confirmation of wise friends and family who have helped to point me in the right direction. Feeling the love and support from my man... he is so wise and trusts in the Lord. Prayers have settled my spirit. I'm so glad I listened to the Holy Spirits whispers....
God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
... bitterness... ?
It's always a song that brings resolution to my heart.
Let it happen
You're full of life.... now
You're full of passion
That's how He made you
Just let it happen
And He calls each one of us
By our names, to come away
And He whispers to your heart
To let it go and be a light.
Be a light
Come alive
So take me back, back to the beginning
When I was young
Running through the fields with You
I've never heard this song before. I am questioning it's biblical correctness, yet I am drawn to what it is telling me. Has God made me full of passion? What passions in me are blessed by Jesus? I have passions that have been sullied by my sin. Does God still see those passions in me and say they are good? Ambition, competitive spirit, pursuing excellence, sexual intimacy, seeking knowledge and wisdom; I've messed them all up in some way... He made me this way... hmmmm.
I want to embrace that, fully blessed in it, fully washed in the blood as I let my passions come out.
What am I letting happen? I want to let Jesus heal, change, grow, convict, and fill me. Let that happen... please Lord.
I have been harbouring bitterness in the disguise of seeking justice.
It's time to let it go...
You have whispered to my heart. I have heard you. I have to let it go.
I'm not sure anymore about going to court. I'm not sure about seeking more. It needs to be finished.
I trust you Jesus.
Let it happen
You're full of life.... now
You're full of passion
That's how He made you
Just let it happen
And He calls each one of us
By our names, to come away
And He whispers to your heart
To let it go and be a light.
Be a light
Come alive
So take me back, back to the beginning
When I was young
Running through the fields with You
I've never heard this song before. I am questioning it's biblical correctness, yet I am drawn to what it is telling me. Has God made me full of passion? What passions in me are blessed by Jesus? I have passions that have been sullied by my sin. Does God still see those passions in me and say they are good? Ambition, competitive spirit, pursuing excellence, sexual intimacy, seeking knowledge and wisdom; I've messed them all up in some way... He made me this way... hmmmm.
I want to embrace that, fully blessed in it, fully washed in the blood as I let my passions come out.
What am I letting happen? I want to let Jesus heal, change, grow, convict, and fill me. Let that happen... please Lord.
I have been harbouring bitterness in the disguise of seeking justice.
It's time to let it go...
You have whispered to my heart. I have heard you. I have to let it go.
I'm not sure anymore about going to court. I'm not sure about seeking more. It needs to be finished.
I trust you Jesus.
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