My Burden

Every time...

It seems there is not a time that I'm not moved to tears after talking to my kids about their visits with their dad. They find solace in each other by making jokes and I cringe a little. I ask them to somehow show honour and respect. It is, at this point in their journey, a futile request.

I'm at a loss... my burden is this; I chose an emotionally stunted, abusive, self centered, sociopath as the father of my children. At twenty one, I did not realize I had done that. I ask myself sometimes, did I know with the second child? Did I know with the third? Women are often criticized for having children with abusive men; and for continuing to have more children with them once they have been exposed to the abuses. When I was still married, he would often blame all his troubles on our unplanned pregnancy. I dismissed this claim. How could year after year that 'mistake' be the reason for every other difficulty or set back? My son was not a mistake. I had moved on; worked and succeeded, finished school, grown in so many ways. Why was he so stuck? When my daughter came along, I planned her and was excited about the next phase as a married woman. I had my degree, I owned a house, I had a station wagon, I volunteered, I worked part time. Within six months of her birth, I had packed up quickly and taken a bus with my kids to run away, only to return in two weeks. Sometimes, I still wonder why I came back. I was still afraid. He was still mad. When my youngest son was born, it had been a good time... everything seemed to be going so much better. After his birth, I knew I would never have another child with this man. Thankfully, my doctor gave me the medical reason I needed to stop having more children. I knew that I had to stand in what I had, that I was in a dangerous place, that I had to shore up my resources and survive for my kids. I stayed home from work after that. I couldn't be divided, my home had to be my focus. My Jesus, my church, and my home. In the crucible of those terrible years, I came to know Jesus and the Word of God like I'd never known them before. The beauty that came out of the fire were my children, the growth in my faith, and my knowledge of the Word.

When it all finally ended three years ago, I thought my burden was gone; but now I wonder if it will ever leave. Every time my children spend time with their dad, there is fall out. They come home either agitated or despondent. The conversations that my children have about their father is a mixture of anger and crass humour. I rarely see the sadness that lies beneath. Their tears seem to be gone or deep under a pile of bitterness. They lack all respect for this man who helped bring them here and it is hard to listen to at times. I find myself pulled into the discussion to either explain or show empathy for what they are experiencing. I have shared all of it with them; they know about my struggle to obtain child support, the affairs, and even some of the little details. I am afraid that I have crossed the line, gone too far in my empathy, said too much to help them understand, and only encouraged rage and bitterness. I wonder if I have been harbouring bitterness in the disguise of seeking justice? I wonder if this has seeped into them?

It's finished. The bitterness must stop here. The anger has to be released for the sadness to finally be let out. I have to change the dialogue. All I can do is guide them, set a new standard, start over. My burden is not that I married him, it is that I too have to let Jesus take this and redeem it. Daily giving Him every piece, every memory, every inch of bitterness that the devil wants to sow in my heart. It must go to the cross. When my children come to me, I need to first pray and find a new pattern. I can't change their situation, but I hope I can guide them to change how they handle it. Find boundaries where there were none, find peace where it is lacking, find joy where bitterness was taking root.

I just feel no resolution on this matter... it is frustrating to come to the end of writing and still feel unsettled.

UPDATE!
Meeting with my sons and a phone call with my daughter.... feeling peace from the confirmation of wise friends and family who have helped to point me in the right direction. Feeling the love and support from my man... he is so wise and trusts in the Lord. Prayers have settled my spirit. I'm so glad I listened to the Holy Spirits whispers....

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.