Sad

I'm so fucking sad it's unbelievable. My stomach hurts and my eyes are heavy. I find myself crying, whenever no one is around. My mind wanders back and I analyze conversations, interactions, texts, the way he looked at me, all the things we did. I think about the time that went by, the anticipation I felt for the next time I saw him, the things I learned, the connection that was so strong... seemed so strong... it's all just sad. All my troubles and woes seem bigger and harder to carry today. It's like I can't do it anymore and yet I am. It's a beautiful sadness that fills me and consumes my insides.

I'm also fucking mad.... it's a strange thing. I jumped again, with two feet, and took a bigger bite; just like I said I would. I knew what I was doing... and I thought it was the fun part! I put it through the fire and the Kevlar didn't work; I've been burned and it hurts. How mad I am rises up and screams... but then my sadness engulfs the anger and I'm crying. It's a good thing. It means my heart can love again. It means that I can be vulnerable and open; risk being known with no guarantees. I don't regret a single moment of it. It was glorious.

I am embracing how bad this feels because I refuse to numb myself. I cannot numb what is unpleasant or I'll miss the exhilaration of joy, love, sex, nature, exercise, good food and wine, my kids, family, and relationships. I don't want to miss any of it. I want to grow and change, seek and find, and do this better the next time. It sucks that it's over... but I think that it's the right thing. I know it's the right thing, but I want it back. I don't have to make anything work that isn't. It's confusing... everything feels heavier.

Thank God this will end.... and I'll look back and realize how much I've learned... and smile :)

You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment

And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better now

You're stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

...

And if the night runs over

And if the day won't last

And if your way should falter

Along the stony pass it's just a moment

This time will pass

Stuck in a Moment U2