This all started with the notion that I would have my 'other life' neatly tucked away and accessible when I needed escape. That worked well for those two months before the trip... it was wonderful, it was exciting, it was elicit; just what this passionate girl needed. I didn't hatch this plan with much thought... no... in my typical fashion, I jumped in with two feet and took a very large bite. I am thankful for the blessing of a kind heart, gentle eyes, deep respect, adventure, and love that I found despite my haste. It is a pretty good match, the best I've had thus far.
I didn't expect what I've now received and I find myself questioning it's authenticity. I got the first message from the airport, then the next after arrival, and then more kept coming. The messages didn't stop or come less frequently, they were consistent and unwarranted; just to say goodnight or good morning. Time away has seemingly not diminished what was just budding before. And then I'm reminded of the false intimacy that online communication can create.
Doubt.
It's presence always gives me pause, and then I realize its a chance to look into things, investigate, notice any red flags, check my emotions at the door, and look at facts. Crunch the numbers as they say. It's a reminder to keep myself from morphing into 'relationship me'. She's an idiot. She listens only to desire, puts the future ahead of the present and becomes who she's not to please the moment, to smooth out the rough spots, and to keep something fresh that is well past due. Doubt brings her around; I see her now, around the corner and her ideas have started to leak into my subconscious. I hate that bitch and don't ever want to be her again. I will not edit myself. So today, I'm fleshing her out; out in the open, she doesn't stand a chance. Whatever I do from here, my eyes will be wide open and my heart on my sleeve. I want to continue to enjoy each moment and be glad it's added to my already great life.
I want my 'other life' to remain. Passion for the next time and excitement for all the moments in between are what make drinking in life taste so good. There are people to meet, family to be introduced, my chaos to meet up with his calm, schedules to deal with, and the challenges of the differences that are always more apparent as time goes on. I'm probably going to jump again, with two feet, and take a bigger bite. But I'm not going in blind. I know the choice I'm making and I know what it comes with. This is the fun part! Putting it through the fire. It's a good thing. It's time to move from just my 'other life' to coming home.
Maybe the Kevlar will work this time.
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