My parents are not perfect.

Well, duh...

I'm sure I knew that a long time ago; and most people know this about their parents through first hand experience. I will say that I have had much grace for my parents mistakes, character flaws, and consistent bad behaviour. Mainly because it is advantageous for me to do so; but also because it is how I show them respect and honour them as scripture says I should. Now that I am a parent, I pray daily that my children will have the grace and forgiveness of Jesus coursing through their veins in order that they still like me once they leave my house. Surprise, surprise... I'm not a perfect parent either.

All things considered, I have good parents. They are both God fearing, Bible thumping, Jesus loving, education pushing, hard noised disciplinarians, that gave us what we needed, protected us from what we didn't, and offered guidance in the way we should go. As myself and my sisters have grown up, they are still parenting in many ways.

However, considering that myself and my sisters are married with children my parents want too much control in our lives. A transition that should have happened a long time ago, has been delayed by the sheer force of their personalities and our own individual failures in cutting the parental ties. The past five years have been a very slow learning curve that I would say I only woke up to just this past year. As I begin to open my eyes, I realize that this transition is actually long overdue. It is sobering for me to say that the idealized vision of what once was a spotless image to me, now seems old and in need of remodeling. That sounds really bad. But its not. I love my parents. They are the reason for who I am in many ways - not just biologically. I am a product of them and I'm not entirely unhappy about that. However, the delay in dealing with leaving the home and my parents lack of letting go has caused some damage that currently seems overwhelming.

The events of the past five years has exposed this central control that needs to be removed. Now here's where I can get myself into some trouble. I'm going to reveal the under belly of the Klassen family. Dear God, don't let lighting strike me dead. My very fear in talking about this is an indication of the control that is present. The need that we as a family have to appear to be without blemish is strong and binding. It's really unhealthy.

I will try to sum up as briefly as I can. My younger sister moved to Indiana for two and a half years and then ended up 'stuck' living with my parents for two and a half years. My oldest sister and her family pulled away from the family unit for a time, becoming more difficult than usual; conveniently taking the role of 'black sheep'. My closeness with my younger sister increased due to distance; which was good for her and I but exasperated the 'black sheep' branding of my older sister and her family. My marriage nearly imploded on itself and my whole family was hit square in the face with the reality of our dysfunction; no hiding anymore. My husband and I are still recovering, healing, and learning as it seems new revelations take us down new paths every month. I'm not sure when we will fully move beyond our past and embrace a new reconciled future. It also seems that my parents have all but blocked out these events that have changed my marriage forever. All these things have come together to create an environment ripe for the need of support and trust in family. Yet, how do you work it all out and still allow for individuals to be individual? How do you respect each person, love each person, and give each person the freedom to be who God called them and still offer your advice? Can that even be done? Have my sisters and I been able to create our own family with our husbands as the head or have we failed; deferring instead to our father? Have our husbands failed to take the lead not knowing where they fit in? Have my parents infused too much of themselves into our family units? Who's responsibility is it to cut the parental ties? Do we blame my parents for being boundary busters or ourselves for not stopping their invasive behaviour? Is all this really that bad - or are our issues mild and normal things that occur between many parents and adult children?

These are big questions; ones that I can not truly answer definitively.

From my perspective, my sisters and I have not left our roles that once played themselves out when we were growing up. My older sister is a pleaser. She has a need to make them happy; which she never seems to achieve. My younger sister is the attacker. She sees their flaws, points them out and then tries to ensure that they see them and change them. What do I do? I ignore as much as possible. I understood early on, that my parents are dominant and that to get along I had to be quiet and appear to be following the party line. For the most part I did; all my objections and rebellion was kept to myself until I felt that they were not over me any longer. Arguing with an immovable object seemed back then and to this day, to be a waste of my time. So too does trying to please that; since I will either become them in pleasing them or go crazy trying. I suppose my own role is part of being in the middle. I want to keep the peace. I want my family to get along and to enjoy the differences that we all bring to the table.

The way these roles play themselves out now is interesting. My older sister went from pleasing to distance; which makes sense since she couldn't please them and her husband gave up trying to. She's back at it again however; even if it is unconsciously. My younger sister while living with my parents slowly broke them down into a shambles and nearly ruined her relationship with them. Her husband says very little and enjoys a position of safety because she will chop anyone's head off if they come after him. I have struggled to find my way with my parents. Sticking with ignoring them and saying little to oppose their views has created a sense that I agree with all they say and that they still exert control on my decisions. This has set my husband on a collision course with my parents, in particular with my Dad.

This is a bad family picture. It is also my dysfunctional point of view that carries it's own unique bias of being a favoured daughter. My sister's I'm sure have a very different view point. I did lay this out to my younger sister and was not given a comment or argument as to it's validity. But it doesn't matter; this is how I am trying to make sense of what is my family.

Truth be told this is all coming to a head because I have recognized that I have continued to seek advice, support, and approval from my parents in ways that were unhealthy; however beneficial this may have been to me in some circumstances. In the same sense that I did that, my parents also have busted down boundaries and shown little respect for my family unit and the head of our home, my husband; on many occasions encouraging me to go against his wishes. My sister's and I have even discussed the issue of their disrespect for our husband's. It is cloaked in secrecy and has never actually been spoken out boldly by either of our parents; but it has become clear to me that it is commonly known among our extended family and their friends.

My question to myself has been how do I address this? My younger sister has attacked; holding true to who she is. I have admired her ability to knock down their force and make way for her own family to rise up. I have also seen it's cruelty to my parents. Her way has revealed their weakness; a desire for us to love and respect them that drives them to want to reconcile all problems. My younger sister's husband has fared much better than my own due to this tactic. He is well protected and feels secure in his place in our family regardless of what he may know of what Mom and Dad think. His wife has his back and he knows it. Now that they are no longer living with Mom and Dad it seems that things have returned to normal and probably a much healthier normal than what came before. There are boundaries and they are not to be crossed; but what a difficult way to get there. My older sister has floundered as much as I have; going back and forth in her alignment with Mom and Dad. Her desire to please them earlier in her marriage exhausted her husband and he withdrew which damaged their overall relationship with Mom and Dad. There is a gap between not only them and Mom and Dad, but between them and all of us. It seems that she is changing how she goes about this and her husband is finding his way back. They are starting to see that Mom and Dad are old and in need of extra understanding for their ways and habits. Their boundaries seem to be distance and the controlled release of information.

What I'm searching for is a way to create my own way of handling this that is as healthy as I can make it. A perfect relationship between myself and my parents considering my family and my husband is not going to happen at this point. I have to accept that the past has consequences and my husband may never trust them. I have to accept that I can't turn to them for advice without exposing my own need to be affirmed by them and also to make a decision that pleases them and fits their understanding of what I should be. My weakness around my parents is actually that even though I ignore much of what they say and do; I actually want to please them and make them proud as much as my older sister does. If my younger sister is truthful with herself, she wants their approval and pride as well. To know that you have made your parents proud of you is universal among children. Yet, I have a different plan for my life than they have for me. I have dreams of how I want things to be that don't match their ideas. For that matter, God has had a plan for me that all along did not come from them. I have often lacked the courage to inject my ideas into the black hole of the Klassen mind set; I think I'm afraid that I would not pass the test. What is the test? Can who I am exist and be fully realized in full view of my parents without folding into their design and ideas? Can I separate my identity from my family of origin?

It's a complex question that has affected all of who I am. I have tried to allow my children to feel as little as possible the power of my personality. I don't want them to find themselves confused; am I my mother/father or am I myself? Does what they want from me and for me define who I am or does God? Maybe I'm still asking myself these questions. I feel so much guilt in hearing that I am like my dad; and yet at times it has made me feel good. I have felt so belittled when compared to my mom; and yet at times it is a compliment beyond compare.

This all seems like a psychological nightmare, the likes of which I will never truly wake up from until I am with the Lord. At this point I would settle for some peace and understanding. I am seeking to create a safe place for my husband to exist within the framework of my family. I am hoping to instill respect and honour in my children for their elders. I hope to find a way to receive a full blessing from my parents and still retain my unique direction in life. Ultimately, I want to seek to please my Heavenly Father. I'm not sure how all this can be accomplished. Someone is going to be disappointed and someone is going to have to find grace for me and my inability to resolve these issues. I must forsake all others for my husband and be worthy of the calling of Jesus by putting nothing above Him. It gives new meaning to Jesus' words:

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple."
Luke 14:26