My Abuse Story

In honour of International Women's Day, I'm posting my abuse story. That may seem odd, but I want to help women to be safe emotionally, spiritually, financially, and physically. Maybe my story can help someone else face their truth.

My abuse story is unique, just like they all are; but as always, we find similarities in the details. If I were to describe how I became involved in an abusive relationship, I would say it was because of undue care and attention.

I met and married my first husband in the span of one year at the age of 20. By the end of my twenty second year, I had a child and a one-year old marriage. I was pregnant before the wedding which was doubly problematic due to my faith. As a couple, we never had a chance to learn to be together without the distraction, stress, and responsibility of family. I didn’t go into my marriage thinking it was perfect or even that my ex-husband was perfect; I knew he wasn’t, I knew I wasn’t. I knew that we had some huge challenges and that we had much work ahead of us. I was also young and confident, thinking that I could conquer any challenge in front of me. However, I believed we were both thinking and managing ourselves under the same set of values and assumptions. It took me about a decade to realize we weren’t, and another eight years to finally understand what was happening to me and my children.

Abusive personalities have completely different reference points from those who are not abusive. I was trying to find connection, ways to work together, to help and support, and to find common ground with my ex-husband. He, however, saw all my efforts as a threat. As I sought to connect, he responded with suspicion thinking I wanted something in return. As I tried to work with him, he saw me trying to take over and control. As I sought to help and support him, he competed with me to be better and to win. And as I searched for common ground, he argued his point wanting to be right. Any move to improve my education level, work experience, knowledge, and social connections was met with anger, resentment, and a negative competitiveness that endeavoured to push me down. Our arguments were explosive and instead of things getting better over time, they eroded further and further. I came into the marriage thinking that all our flaws would improve; that age and maturity would take over. I thought that that was how people work; we grow and mature and our imperfections become less abrasive. My faith in Jesus also pointed to that way of thinking. Growing and maturing in Christ meant that my sinful nature would become less evident and my behaviour would reflect Jesus more and more. But it’s not that simple. I didn’t realize that an abusive person’s reference point is themselves; not Jesus and certainly not others. I don’t think my ex-husband even understands himself in this way. Growing and maturing is actually a choice and requires work, acknowledging your shortcomings, repenting, changing bad behaviours, and seeking to show love even when you don’t feel like it. It doesn’t just happen because you get older.

The slow progression of abuse covered almost all facets. Emotional, mental, and verbal abuse were a common every day experience. My ex-husband was an emotional abuser who was willing to use any avenue to maintain control and get what he wanted. Physical violence or threats; verbal attacks; sexual abuse through withholding, porn use, and eventually affairs; financial carelessness and blame; cultural excuses; and even spiritual attacks and abuses. When I look back, I ignored red flags prior to the marriage because I didn’t recognize them as such. I had also made myself complicit in the problem. Where I see the most evidence of this is in the physical abuse. I was a very confident and somewhat arrogant young lady. I could get angry and use force just as much as my ex-husband, which made it easy for him to blame me for arguments that got out of control. If he used physical force early in our relationship (even before the marriage), I defended myself and it became a physical fight. I did not shy away from this for the first 8 years of the marriage. Because of this, he was able to shift blame on me. I was confused, thinking that if I had not reacted, he wouldn’t have choked me or held me down. It’s so ridiculous when I think about it now. The physical violence also only erupted once or twice a year. And it was often expressed through inanimate objects; sometimes he threw things at walls, punched holes in doors, or just yelled threats, coming into my personal space, or barring me from leaving a room without actually touching me. It was easy for him to justify all this and I convinced myself that I could handle it and was partly to blame. As time went on, anger was a scary emotion. I couldn’t express it, the kids couldn’t express it, and no one could respond to his anger as it was dangerous ground; there was no telling what action would be taken. After an angry reaction to my crying eight-month-old daughter while I was at work, left a hole in her bedroom door, I left for the first time. My return ten days later was not a good idea, I see that now. But I thought I was doing the right thing. Coming clean before my family and church, I figured we had the support we needed. It wasn’t enough, and it wasn’t taken seriously enough by anyone, including me.

It was after the birth of my third child that I realized how dangerous my ex-husband had become. An emergency C-section saw our son come into the world six weeks early. A partial placenta abruption placed me and my unborn child in a life or death situation, and our family was thrown into turmoil. The stress of the birth of a new baby is a lot for any family and couple; add a near death experience, a two-week hospital stay, and an unstable abusive marriage relationship, and you’ve got a full on disaster. My ex-husband went on full attack mode. He saw all my crazy mother-bear responses to restore my family to normal as an attack on him. My attempts to get to the hospital and see my son as often as possible were met with violent refusals and accusations that I was keeping him from seeing his child. He physically and emotionally came at me when I was weak and unable to respond and defend myself. After this period, I never physically defended myself again. I changed how I responded to his yelling, threats, and name calling. I got very quiet. I rose up a few times and did try to remain myself, but I retreated and tried to appease more than anything else. There were ebbs and flows in the cycle of abuse over the years after. There are good memories in there and I found happiness in caring for my family. The tension increased, and the violence was never completely gone, but I handled it differently. There were times that I thought it was gone for good and that it wasn’t a part of us anymore, but then I would be side swiped by an incident that came out of nowhere. It was never the same thing either; every type of abuse was coming at me and I was just underneath it all, increasingly confused by my relationship. I didn’t understand the cycle at the time. My ex-husband and I were in counselling for thirteen years or more and abuse was never addressed until the end. It wasn’t until my youngest was seven years old that I began to understand and make moves to change my situation. And it wasn’t until he was twelve that I was finally fully awakened, understanding what was happening, and then able to leave.

Be patient with those who are in relationships that are abusive. It takes time to see what is happening and to have the courage to act and to believe that you can do something about it. Abuse in my story was insidious. The longer you live with it, the more normal it becomes. I had normalized it and taken pains to hide it from even my closest friends and family. I’m thankful for those in my life who patiently supported me through it all. What kept me invested in the marriage was threefold; my faith, my sexual attraction to my ex, and fear. I loved my ex-husband and it was hard to face that I was afraid of him and that he was intentionally hurting me. I was afraid of a lot of things; losing my children, financial disaster, embarrassment from divorce, and everyone knowing what I had allowed to happen to me.

As my children got older, maintaining the perfect environment to keep the abuse cycle under my control (like that’s possible!) became increasingly difficult. The abuse that I had thought I could contain, was not contained and what I thought was not affecting my children, was affecting them. There were a few times that Social Services got involved which I carefully handled. I worried that their involvement would only complicate my life. My ex would often talk about how others getting involved would cause us to lose our children for no good reason. Our home was never even investigated beyond a phone call interview (and only once with my ex), as I was seen as a ‘protective parent’. As my children got older, I became restless as well. I didn’t want to stay home anymore; working with my ex-husband in his business was intolerable and exacerbated the abuse. I didn’t want to return to working evenings as that would see me completely unable to be involved in my children’s activities. I saw a need to work and grow in my life. It was this pressure that started to move me out of my complacency about my marriage. What followed from my restlessness and the growth of the children were a few of the worst years ever. I went back to school and he saw this as a threat to our life, fearing I was preparing to escape. He wouldn’t pay for my education, even though I had been at home with our children for eight years and helped him with his own business for a decade. He was violent and unpredictable.  In the last semester of my one-year course, he beat up our eldest son while I was away with an outdoor education course. I came home and told him he had to leave, or I was calling the police. We separated for restorative purposes with the support of counselors, our Bible study group, our Pastor, families, friends, and an anger management course. I thought we had set up a good support system and felt convinced it would all work this time. After forty days, I asked him to come home. But again, it wasn’t enough. Within six months of his return, we both knew it was a mistake. He threatened me and said he would never leave our home again.

It was this period that led to the end. Three years later, we would separate for good. Interestingly, the last three years were not as bad as so many before that. I had decided that I just wanted to get along. I knew I was in an abusive relationship. I knew that being in counselling with him was dangerous for me emotionally and maybe even physically, so I refused to go with him anymore. In many ways, I was managing the abuse cycle the best I ever had. I went to some counselling on my own to learn how to deal with his anger and our conflicts. I started to cognitively disassociate myself from him, emotionally disconnect, create greater spiritual independence, and physically and sexually I set boundaries to protect myself. As I closed down the avenues for my ex-husband to abuse me, he began to spiral. He tried to get my attention by creating conflict every where he could, but I barely responded. The marriage lasted twenty years and seven months. In the last two months, I discovered that he was having an affair. I waited for the right moment and enough evidence, and then I confronted him with what I knew. He was caught and later owned up to one other affair, although I believe there may have been at least one other. He blamed me for his indiscretions; I was cold and didn’t love him. That was true, I was cold, and I didn’t love him, but that only explained the last affair. I remember when I would pray for Jesus to give me the love and understanding I needed to be his wife, and for many years I believe He did. But God had slowly taken all that love away. After all I had experienced, I could not love him in my own strength. God used my hard, cold, calculating heart to bring an end to my abuse. There were difficulties to follow; which included getting him out of the house a week later with the help of the police, and a legal battle that left me feeling abused and in debt. It took over two years to finalize my divorce.

In the five years since this all began a lot has changed. I have healed, remarried a wonderful man, and my children are beginning to come to terms with their past. I sometimes look back and wish I could change how I did some things. I struggled to forgive my ex during the legal battle as it seemed that it was a constant open wound. With the divorce final, I have been able to stand on solid forgiveness ground. Reconciliation with his family was something I once thought I wanted, but have realized through this process, that it is not necessary nor advised in my situation.  There are still scars in my psyche that haunt me at times, but God is good, and I have found a new life and a new love. He will restore to me the years that the locust has eaten. 

When I consider that I became involved in an abusive relationship because of undue care and attention, it is important to warn against that in other women. We are so accommodating. We want to give men every opportunity to do the right thing, to correct the mistake, to rise to the occasion, and to be the wonderful man we think we see deep inside them. This compassionate way of dealing with others is not wrong, nor should we squelch it. Woman need to recognize when that very nature is being used against them. We don’t have to be so accommodating to people that hurt us. You don’t have to be perfect and pure as the driven snow to be treated properly. Yes, you’ve made mistakes and sinned greatly at times, but don’t let anyone, including yourself, use that to say you deserve abuse. If a friend, or my daughter, or any other woman, shares with me about a troubling incident between her and a man she loves, it is important to listen for what is not being said. Are they trying to normalize bad behaviour? Is there fear hidden in the story? Are there details conveniently being covered up or added to try and fit a stereotype of men? Are they blaming themselves for his actions? Another thing to remember is that most likely, when a woman shares incidents of this nature, it isn’t the first time something like it has occurred within that relationship. I have often said to my daughter, ‘that isn’t going away’. When she shares about the way a boy is acting or something he did that bothers her, and then she explains that he argues or justifies his behaviour, I just say, ‘that isn’t going away’. Those things are red flags and they will not go away. You know what they are when you experience them, so take care and pay attention. Unfortunately, what I’ve learned is that people don’t change, and abusive people really don’t change. If they change to please you, it will only be temporary. Motivation to change must come from within and from Jesus. I believe it takes Holy Spirit, supernatural power to change people. We must decide that if we don’t like something someone is doing around us or to us, we don’t have to put up with it. If we explain that it bothers us, and that person doesn’t care enough to change or doesn’t think they’re doing something wrong, then don’t emotionally attach yourself to that person. This is hard, but if it’s done right away at the beginning, if we take care and pay attention, then we don’t have to become intertwined with someone who hurts us. Remember, it’s never too late to leave an abusive relationship. Don’t blame yourself for where you’ve ended up. Find some support and create a plan to remove yourself from harm so that you can make good decisions about the future in an emotionally and physically safe place.

I don’t know much about men, but what I do know is men need to take care of themselves. Even if you treat women well, if you have emotional demons, anxiety, anger, spiritual troubles, even mental or physical health issues, take care of them. Seek to do what you can to be healthy in all ways so that you can be free to treat others well. Relationships are there to give us someone to depend on and support in a mutual way. This is good and healthy. But an unhealthy man who expects a compassionate woman to carry all his baggage, will exhaust and use her until she has nothing left. This amounts to abuse in my opinion. And you can say the same for an unhealthy woman who dumps all her baggage on a man. Jesus is the only ‘person’ that can carry all your baggage, so give it to him.

This is my story, and when I tell it, I have to tell about Jesus. There is hope that never let go of me. He loved me through it, in it, and out of it. There is victory over the enemy in my life, in more ways than I can count. He gave me freedom from my sin and from my abuser. Praise his wonderful name! JESUS!

Moment to Moment

I'm not in a good mood and I’ve had a bottle of wine, so I shouldn't write. I'm probably going to end up saying things that I wouldn't necessarily want put out there for all eternity. But I can't help myself as I really feel like I have had way too much bottled up over the past couple of months, and what's life without a little risk. I have not written in a while due to the feeling I've had lately that I should censor what I say. I've had a lot of frustration with little resolution to any of it. I ask myself, if my husband would be alright with what I've said? I don't know what to do with that question. Just using the word husband used to invoke negativity and now it cannot, it does not, and it never should have. I am trying to reclaim the word ‘husband’ in this new chapter in life; so that it only refers to the present and carries no thoughts of the past. GSJr. is my husband, and he deserves that title. He has my upmost respect and all my love. In writing my blog, there is a delicate balance of being myself, being respectful of who GSJr. is, and what he is comfortable revealing, that I am attempting to discover. I have to accept that I will make mistakes. I am GSJr.’s wife and much of what I say will include his truth that he may not want out there. I represent both of us, so the things I say others may think he thinks. And this goes both ways. He represents me; what he says and believes reflects me too. I am going to have to revisit that in another post.

It’s the morning after I wrote what comes below... but I’ve edited it and now feel more comfortable with what I have to say. It’s not all positive, but it is where my current thoughts are sitting.

I was unhappy last night because I missed talking to my husband on the phone. We are currently on different time zones. He's only an hour ahead of me, but it does cause some issues with sleeping and waking schedules. I missed him as he went to bed early to wake up early. I knew he was going to bed early, but I went out due to a kid issue and wanting more wine. It seems petty and like I'm choosing to not be available over trivial matters, but life with the distance between us is like this on a regular basis. And tonight, I'm pretty pissed about it. OK, I'll sound less vulgar... I'm upset about it. I went out because my daughter was reacting to a situation out of PMS’ing and I hate when women do that. She was supposed to go with her brother to buy a few things from the store including wine and beer, but ended up refusing because she thought he wasn’t appreciative of her work shoveling the car out of the snow. Just so stupid. So I went with my son to prove that women don’t behave like that. It was silly now that I look back, and it caused me to miss talking to my husband before he went to sleep. Stupid dumb. I have to learn that I cannot fix my grown children.

My husband and I have lives that go on without each other; schedules that run separately; children that need our attention and there's no telling when issues may arise with that; jobs that place demands on our time and focus; family and social events that take our time; and yet we are trying to keep a daily schedule of phone and video calls. We have separate everything. My home, my friends, my church, my money, my debt, my spending habits; his home, his friends, his church, his money, his abundance, his spending habits. Wow, that got cynical real quick. I seriously just absolutely hate all this. Sometimes, I don't want to talk to him at all because it's just a reminder that we are in the situation we're in. I know I chose it, and I'm glad I did. But living it isn't easy. I hate to admit, that I still don't know how this is all going to work out and I get frustrated and scared. Other times, I just want to leave and be there with him, forget that anything about my life here even exists.

I remember in my old life, wanting to escape and be someone else, just disappear; at times, I get that similar feeling about wanting to go now. Wanting to be someone else is not healthy at all, however, which is why I never did it. It has been much harder having to face down my issues, get divorced, handle the emotional and financial aftermath, and be there for my children. I never used to want to admit that I had thought about just picking up and walking away from my life. I felt like the worst human being ever for even imagining leaving my children and walking away. I've realized now, in my healing, that part of the reason those thoughts were even there was because I was so distressed and felt no way out of my situation. I'm glad I never made those decisions and that Jesus gave me the strength to carry on and walked with me. Besides, I don't want to be someone else, I just want to be somewhere else, and I do believe that God is calling me to that. Even now, staying here and making the changes slowly, methodically, painfully at times, joyfully at others, and preparing myself, my family, and even my friends for the day that I get on the plane and don't come back, is the harder thing to do. I don't always know if it's wiser or even if it makes more sense, but I did sign up for it, and I do have obligations yet to meet. It's complicated, I guess. I am glad to be on this healthier journey of moving away and starting fresh.

I remember when this new life began back in December 2013, I told my family and some friends, that in five years I was going to leave. I wanted to go and do something new, go on a mission, start over, I just wanted to get out of BC. My kids didn't pay much attention. They figured that it was fine since they'd all be out of high school by then, they really didn't care. My parents didn't believe me, and my one friend questioned my sincerity. I had no idea what I'd be doing when I left. I started looking into teaching abroad. I have no money and figured if I'm going to leave, I'm going to have to work while I'm gone or I can't go anywhere. Even mission work requires that I have funding, so that seemed like it wouldn't happen. I kept looking into how I would go and where I would go. Then I started to want to find a partner; someone to do this second half of life with, someone to go with me, or someone for me to go with on his journey, or maybe even to have a brand new mission together. It's amazing to think that Jesus has been listening to all my pondering's and prayers and has answered them is this way. It will be five years of this new life by the end of this year. My plan to leave has actual real footing and is happening, but totally not the way I had thought. It's so much better than just disappearing. I find myself praying for our future a lot. Right now it seems that it can't come fast enough and yet I feel like I don't have enough time to get myself and my kids ready. It's a strange place to be. There are days that I am overwhelmed by how much is going to change in my life when I move to the US; so much so that I'm actually scared. I mean what the hell did I do!!? It's a whole other world down there that I've only visited. Visiting is like being on vacation over and over again. I keep running into people, experiencing things, and doing things that remind me that this won't happen when you move. I won't know anyone down there. I have to start all over. I know I will always come back to Canada and see my family and I will always make time to see my children and their children. As the time moves closer for me to leave, I have to trust my husband to guide me through some of the details as I really don't have a clue. I'm trying to be prepared, but I'm pretty sure I can't prepare for everything down there. I have to trust Jesus. I do believe that he wants me to go, that my marriage and love for my husband is part of His plan for me.

If I'm honest, moving to the United States of America is somewhat distressing. As I look at the current climate in that nation, I'm ambivalent about the prospect of being surrounded by gun totting, Trump loving, fundamental, liberal (even though they don't know it), egocentric, ignorant, xenophobic, 'Christian based', racist, backwards, baby killing, capitalist, plastic Americans that think they're better than me. OK, that was harsh. That was a list of all the stereotypes I could think of about Americans. I'm sure there are many for Canadians. For example; Canadians are liberal, godless, overly apologetic, multicultural, baby killing, arrogant, gay marriage supporting, gender bending, beer drinking, pot smoking socialist morons, that think all Americans are idiots even though we wouldn't know what to do without our access to all your goods and services in every part of our economy. So... yeah... I guess I'm just used to this shit over their shit. I've never met a stereotypical American or a stereotypical Canadian. Real people just aren't like that. I will say I am a little bit afraid of the stance on guns in the US. I seriously don't understand. Not only am I Canadian, but I'm also Mennonite Brethren. I'm a pacifist in the truest sense of the word. As a teacher I have a huge stake in the matter. Schools are apparently not safe down there. My very livelihood could get me killed and I'm supposed to consider carrying a gun for the protection of myself and my students? Unbelievable. I didn't sign up for this, I just fell in love.

I'm changing the subject. I have no solutions or conclusions to what it will be like to move to the US. I just know it's happening in a year and a half and I'm preparing for that. I'm planning for my children to be set up as much as I can, I'm preparing my finances as much as I can, I'm hoping to ready my family and friends for my absence, and I'm going to need to set myself up for work in the US so that I can be busy and have purpose there. There are legal issues and preparations that need to be made that I'm going to need help with, and sometimes that causes me stress and invokes fear, as I don't understand it all. But I trust that Jesus knew this was all coming and it will all work out. I also trust my husband implicitly. I trust that our faith in Jesus will cut through the differences in our political, cultural, and familial thinking. I trust Jesus more than I trust my husband. If Jesus had me meet my husband, learn about him, love him, join with him, call me to him, and draw me in this direction, then Jesus will ensure that any challenge will be met with the Holy Spirit's intervention; both for me and for my husband.

I started a new job three weeks ago and it's been the beginning of more changes ahead. I have ripped off the comfort zone band aid. My Christian bubble at my old job is no longer, and no one knows my name. I am now out there in the public sector. It has been less stressful and new, interesting and frustrating at times, as well as eye opening. I have seen that teachers work hard. They work hard at every school, no matter what anyone says. I have seen that there really are more troubled students out there than we know what to do with, and I had forgotten about the huge need. I have seen that the diversity in school culture is huge. I have witnessed how environment shapes the way students behave; newer, cleaner schools have better behaved children than older, cluttered schools. Socioeconomic status really does change the dynamics and composition of schools. A principal's leadership style affects every aspect of the teacher's and student's daily life. It really does.

Leaving the school I taught at since 2011 has been hard. That work place had been so good to me; stood by me in a difficult time and provided fertile ground for the beginning of my teaching career. I actually started this process last May. Applying for jobs and taking interviews, I ended up turning down opportunities and signing on to stay. This past fall brought news that meant I had to make a decision as my job would no longer be as it once was. Once I finally made the choice, it was such a relief. Professionally and financially it was a good decision. I needed the change and the stability. Mentally and emotionally it was a good decision. I have felt less stress this month and I know it is because of the reduced responsibilities at work. I have good friends from my old work place, or at least I believe I do; this change is putting that to the test. I thought it might be difficult and made some initial attempts to address that before I left. I thought I had met their needs... but there is resentment and I think I'm going to lose some people. I'm surprised by those that are having the most trouble with it. It's disappointing and feels lonely. I am already lonely at my new job, and it is hard to see that some of my old colleagues are pulling back from me.

This is the beginning of the change. When I actually move away, I'm going to lose people. There's no point in denying that. I'm going to be in a place where no one knows my name. As I move around my new community in the US, I won't run into old students or athletes, friends from school or church, family, or colleagues. I will hopefully gain new connections on all levels, but it will be different. This is part of moving. Leaving behind, getting rid of baggage, and taking only what you feel belongs in the new place. It's hard that this leaving behind and getting rid of baggage ends up including people. I don't want my friends to inadvertently feel that I don't want them. If they don't want to be a part of the future of my life cause it's too hard to be friends with someone who is far away, I get it. There may be some relationships that aren't transportable; if they won't work without the structure of the same work place, then they certainly won't work without proximity. I have many friendships that I know will stand the test of distance and time. What I'm learning now, is which ones that have never experienced the stress of distance and time, will stand.

Moving to go and live with my husband is something I want like nothing else. My worries about being Canadian in an American world looms large these days, but I think that our common faith will be our guide in that. I have to put my fears in Jesus' hands when it comes to that. I don't want to be fiercely Canadian, I want to be a fierce follower Jesus, and at times that is going to go against nationality, governments, ideologies, and even laws. I have a vision of being at peace and resting once I live with him. I worry that I'm romanticizing it so much that I'm going to be disappointed when I actually get there, as things are never exactly as we imagine them. The stress of preparing to go and preparing my children to go is real. It's the reason I have the urge at times to just book a flight and leave it all behind, not even tell anyone what I'm doing. Just go, and tell everyone afterwards. Like eloping. It's ridiculous. What I need to do is stay in this moment. I'm here now, living and working, parenting and spending time with friends. This moment includes interludes with my husband. What we are learning is that our relationship is able to handle the stress of distance and time. We can do this despite my frustration at times that leaves me wanting to pull away. We have our routine's of phone calls and devotions and prayer that I need to stay plugged into. The peace and rest I'm seeking is not a destination or a moment in time. It is part of the whole journey and I have had wonderful moments both while in the presence of my husband and over the magic of the internet. The peace and rest that I need the most doesn't come from my marriage relationship, although God has given me plenty of that. It comes from only one person, Jesus. He travels with me wherever I go. There is no need to worry about distance and time with that relationship at all. If I can seek after that, no matter where I am or who I'm with, I can be at peace and rest.

One Word 2018

I have chosen trust as my one word for 2018, specifically trust in Jesus.  I am becoming acutely aware that it cannot be separated from obedience. I must trust Him and then obey Him, even if I don't see how it will work out, or I don't want to obey, or I am struggling to find the logical reasonable thing to do and it seems that fear wants to take over. Fear, that is how I came to choose trust as my word for this year. I was afraid to make a decision about work and it took me eight months to finally do so, because I was afraid. Afraid that God didn't have me, but He always does, I just need to trust Him.

Trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. That someone is Jesus and that something is the faithfulness of my God. Maybe I should add a qualifier that says for me it is Jesus, my God and saviour... but I think He is the only person in whom trust will never be broken for everyone everywhere. The hope is that everyone will experience it, know it, and trust it's truth.

I have walked through 2017 with the banner of peace over me. Jesus has been my peace through situations at work, with family, as a mother, with my friends, as I have traveled, in decisions, in love, and even in my finances. It was a wonderful year with the highlight being a gift of peace in being married to the husband only Jesus could have found for me. Now I have to walk in a new path for 2018 in more ways than I had imagined. I will need to exercise my trust in Jesus probably more than I even know or understand. I will have to be obedient to His leading, His precepts, His word. And from what I know of choosing a word for the year, this will challenge me and I will be constantly reminded that I need to trust and obey if I want to be happy in Jesus... just like the old song says; thank you honey for reminding me.

Psalm 37:5
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him, and he will act.

Psalm 112:7
He is not afraid of bad news;
his heart is firm, trusting in the LORD.

Proverbs 3:5-7
Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.

Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield;
in him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exults,
and with song I give thanks to him.

Psalm 56

Sexual Healing

How can I talk about this without betraying myself, my husband, and the redeeming grace that Jesus has worked in my life? I'm going to do my best for two reasons; my choices around sex have marked my life and still haunt me, and because our culture is hinging identity and meaning on sexuality in an unbalanced way. It is not lost on me that as a white heterosexual Christian woman, I am sheltered, with little to no struggles with my sexuality as it doesn't come up against the culture or my faith. Even my sexual sin falls under the norms of sexual behaviour, if I can even say that. Over the past decade I have grown a heart for those who are struggling for wholeness in their sexuality. Whether it be identity or behaviour, we all have to wrestle with sex and who we are, who we want to be, our desires versus what we ought to do, and how our choices will affect those around us and those we interact with. Our sexual identity is the most intimate part of our being. Sharing it with someone else will always be a soul giving or destroying experience and so we must not be cavalier with it. And yet we are, and yet I have been.

Beginnings
I can remember being interested in my sexuality as a nine and ten year old. I would listen to my parents having sex, even pressing my ear up against the wall inside my closet  to hear better. I began experimenting with masturbation before I was eleven. I have never gotten into pornography. When I was young, there was no internet and I had no access to magazines of that type, nor did I seek it. Pornography didn't line up with what I thought about connecting sexually with someone, and it still doesn't. Sex was not a taboo subject in my home growing up. My mother is a nurse and taught me about my body, encouraging me to understand how it works and what and where all the parts were. I grew to understand that sex was sacred, deserved my careful consideration, and that it's rightful place was a venue for pleasure between a man and woman in marriage. I knew that God had ordained it to create life; but the aspect of it being for pleasure, to unite a man and a woman, and that God made it that way, was also impressed upon me. I have had many conversations with my dad as well; about sex, orgasm, and even menstruation (yeah, my dad was my coach... so we talked about everything). Even as I grew up and started to seek sexual pleasure with boys, I knew I was going outside what I thought was right. My desire for the physical pleasures of sexual activity was very strong, and often overrode my beliefs about its sacred nature and what God had commanded. I also discovered that sexual desire gave me a little bit of power. As I matured, it was clear to me that I could manipulate boys very easily by withholding or giving them what they wanted. It's strange that even though I was seeking connection and commitment, I used sex this way for a number of years.

In the middle
Because I started so early with physical touch with boys, my boundaries were very unclear to me and to boys. I had set it up that it was not a problem to touch me, even if you weren't my boyfriend. By the time I was in grade seven, everyone knew that there was one boy who I liked, Noel. He was mine and I was his. I remember girls even asking me if it was OK to date him - like we even knew what that was. Noel would often go steady with another girl, but she would ask my permission. I fooled around with other boys, but I never went out with anyone else. This went on for three years, until I moved away. I had been living in Alberta for a period of six years, (age nine to fifteen), in a small town. We moved to what I considered the big city, Vancouver, BC. Everything changed. I was a bit thrown off by the move as my notoriety and prowess in both athletics, friendships, and with boys was nothing in this new place, and I had to start over. For the final three years of high school, life was different and I behaved very differently around sexuality. I basically got scared. I realized the path I had been going down and decided that I better make some changes or I'd end up doing things that I didn't want to and get into the kind of trouble that I really didn't want for my life. I became very focused on school and basketball. My goals to play in University and on the Canadian National Team took over. I dedicated my life to Christ and got baptized in the first year after the move. I had managed to change my direction and stayed out of trouble, in all areas. Until my high school sweetheart in grade twelve...

With the protection of a committed relationship with a Christian boy, I was back in action. He was the complete opposite of me; a musician, short, a dancer, an actor, and extremely funny. He went to a different school in a completely different community, and I only saw him on weekends when I wasn't playing basketball. It was kind of perfect. I liked how it gave my relationship natural boundaries. However, very quickly, the physical became an overriding factor between us. I was playful and lured him in all the time, because I trusted him. We experimented a lot in that year. I still don't know how we never actually had sexual intercourse. I don't think I can say that it was because God didn't want us too, but I'm glad I didn't. It's important to note here, that any form of sexual experience, whether full intercourse or something other, is an intimate act. You cannot avoid the connection that sexual experiences with someone creates. God made it that way on purpose. When the relationship ended after graduation in a very abrupt way, what I experienced with him sent me back down the path I had thought I had shut off two years prior. I left for university on Vancouver Island, at the University of Victoria where I had a full scholarship to play basketball. Within the span of my first year living in the dorms on campus, I went back to seeking physical connections, but with no relationship attached to them. After I hurt the feelings of one boy in particular, he yelled at me stating that I was a slut and a tease; and what the hell was I saving my virginity for anyway. He was right... or at least I thought he was. I decided that all the sexual fooling around was silly, I was either going all the way or I was just a tease. I ended up in a very brief relationship with a boy in my dorm and decided this was it, time to end the withholding. It was very disappointing. I ended the relationship shortly afterwards as I realized I had made a mistake; not because I had finally had intercourse, but because he sucked at it.  Even as I type this now, I see how all my steps along the way had already hardened and seared my heart. I had changed. Sex wasn't sacred to me anymore; and it wouldn't be for a long time.

Over the two years that I went to that school, I completely walked away from my relationship with Jesus and chose to seek pleasure instead. I was frustrated that I couldn't be successful academically or athletically. All my teammates were fooling around and they still found success. But my ability and talent were not the problem. I was living in dissonance to my beliefs and God was not going to allow one of his children to go that easily. I never thought I was being mean back then, but I was using these guys for my own purposes and pleasure. Dinners out, concerts, movies, drinks at the bar, one night stands, a ride home; I could get just about anything. By the end of the first year, I found my new Noel, and was back in the strange set up of being attached but not committed. It became a sport for him and I to see how many guys at the bar I could get to buy me a drink. He once brought a friend over so I could have sex with his friend, since he and I never had full intercourse. It was a soul destroying relationship that I didn't recognize as such for almost a full three years of my life.  My boundaries were eroding at a very fast pace. I remember moments looking at myself in the mirror and not recognizing my own reflection. Sometimes staring back at me would be what I can only describe as the Spirit, piercing right through my eyes... just pleading with me, softly. I would go to church and sit in the back, crying in shame because of what I was doing. I felt I couldn't go back, I was stuck; this was who I was now. Although I was inwardly struggling, I defended my behaviour, down played the damage I was doing to myself and others, and flaunted my sexual power.

The beginning of the change
My two years at UVIC finally ended and although I know I cannot blame my failure there entirely on walking away from my relationship with Jesus, it is the only reason that matters. I decided to make a big change; I went with Athletes in Action to Taiwan to coach basketball for the summer. It was an amazing experience and I have had coaching in my blood ever since. God showed me that summer that even a sexually dysfunctional sinner could be used again by him. And I could find healing, change my behaviour, and be made new. I was still struggling with old behaviours and went through some cycles of acting out and repenting, but in just over a year, I had walked away from it all. Around that time, a young adults pastor spoke into my life. He called me into leadership, reminding me that I had been given much and much was expected. At first that frustrated and angered me, but as the years have gone on, that call has never left me. With God's grace and mercy, I've been able to embrace it's responsibilities.

It was the beginning of change because within three years, while I was working, going to school, and leading in youth ministry at my church, I got pregnant. Sex was still causing me to stumble, I had just found another place to live it out. I didn't know it then, but I made a mistake in choosing my first husband because I had not placed my sexual desires in Jesus' hands. I was still fully in control. I was married when I was almost four months along and then proceeded to live like that sin defined me for the next six years. But once I was able to move past that and see God's grace for me, my relationship with Jesus deepened. In my twenties, as I had two more children, finished my degree, and worked as a youth worker, I dove into scripture. I fell in love with God's word and couldn't get enough. I led women's Bible study at two different churches for the next eighteen years, started a business with my ex, and went back to school to become a teacher. Jesus walked with me and kept his promises to me in the midst of what was a difficult marriage from the beginning. I was convinced that if we just grew up, followed hard after Jesus, and stuck with the church family that was supporting us and had forgiven and restored me, we would make it. There is so much to say and explain about that relationship, but for the sake of this post, I'll stick with what fits this topic. I remember I experienced a level of sexual healing after marriage as I finally felt that my sexual desires and expression of them were not wrong. I was married and could have sex as much as I wanted. That was very freeing for me. However, this was short lived. My first husband was a porn addict. He was before we got married, and I didn't know. He continued with that our entire marriage; through counseling, accountability groups, separation, and marital decline. I was not a sexual prude and even tried to include it in our sexual experiences, only to find myself feeling violated and degraded. Throughout those years, I would often struggle with guilt from my past and even began to feel that this awful marriage was God's punishment, my consequence for my frivolous, careless use of sexual intimacy. I often thought I deserved it. It was many years into the marriage before I was able to name what was happening in my relationship, it was abuse. My ex was an emotional abuser that was willing to use anything to get what he wanted; physical violence, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, psychological and spiritual abuse - it seemed nothing was off limits. When I discovered that he was having an affair, and later learned there had been two others, I finally felt God's blessing to walk away.

Healing
In the four years since I walked out - or actually kicked my ex out - I have found myself on the path to true healing. What is surprising is that it hasn't been without it's pitfalls. I was not interested in another relationship for the first two years of being single again. I learned to once again find that Jesus is enough. There were nights when I would repeat that to myself while a lay alone in bed. Jesus comforted me and I truly believed and knew that I could carry on alone if that was his call on my life. God used that time to close some sexual wounds that I had left unattended. As time passed, I began to miss male companionship and if I'm honest, I missed sex. After everything I'd been through, I still wanted that connection in my life. I was somewhat shocked when I first entered the dating world and how easily I fell into twenty five year old patterns. I once again sinned, taking my sexual desires in my own hands and trying to include them in a cavalier, non committed way. Seriously, you'd think I'd learned nothing. I repented and turned much quicker in my old age. Jesus is so patient and gracious and forgiving! Just over a year ago, I got serious and prayed for a husband. I laid it all out there, exactly what I wanted. I cried, I begged, and then I said... I'll do it your way. And God was gracious even in my prayer as he has shown me incredible mercy even as I've stumbled along since that prayer. Today, I have a wonderful husband whom I can only describe as the man God chose for me. I still, sometimes, find myself lamenting that I didn't wait properly. I sometimes wish I'd met him sooner, before I made so many blunders. I am sometimes haunted by my past in dreams and flashes of memories. But Jesus is gracious to me. I don't talk about this much, because it's hard. The wounds are sometimes right at the surface and I want to hide them. I hope to be more open as time goes on. The healing that I am experiencing is sexual in so many ways, and yet it seems like that doesn't even put it in the right category. It is an emotional, spiritual, sexual healing that God has chosen to guide me through in relationship with this wonderful man. God is so good.

So what?
So why did I tell you that whole story? Why does it matter? Would you look at this story differently if I had relayed the same story as a lesbian, or my struggle with my gender? Would my sin suddenly be different? Would you be able to see my struggle with sexuality as the same as yours? Would my cycles of sin and repentance no longer garnish your grace? Our sexual experiences change us; they mark who we are whether we want them to or not. If we are abused sexually it can scar us for a very long time if not forever. Every experience we have shapes our desires and future choices, they develop patterns that we can either become enslaved to or master. We can become needy, afraid of intimacy, or tyrants because of the eroding of the sacredness that is embedded in sexual intimacy. The power that sexuality holds can be misused and abused by both men and women. Although I believe that our culture is hinging identity and meaning on sexuality in an unbalanced way, I completely understand why. God made us sexual beings. The under pinning's of our desires, likes, and dislikes begin so early in our lives, before we even see them as affecting our sexual identities. It's so important to give people room, to show them love as they walk through their particular story. The Bible is clear about where God stands when it comes to sex. It's dishonest to try and say or prove otherwise. Yet, we have all sinned and fall short, even if it's not the same as you. I'm not good at obeying before I understand. I'm not good at obeying when it means I don't get something I want. I need to remember that most everyone else feels the same way. The Kingdom is not made up of a homogeneous group of people and if we are going to reflect love and light, we have to stop demonizing the marginal, we have to stop placing ourselves above those who've sexually sinned differently than us. The rub is, how do we call people to obedience to God's way, when we've been so duplicitous about what sexual sin is all this time? I'll admit, I want to do it my way and my sexual expression has been one of the hardest things in my life to give over to Jesus. I have failed to do it God's way, over and over. Because I know this, I hope I can be gracious to everyone who also wants to hang onto their autonomy on this one; especially if God's way is coming up against their very identity. I hope that when given the opportunity, I can walk with someone and restore them as they cycle through sin and repentance; praying that they will find that God is gracious to them.

"... do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
And such were some of you.
But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. 
1 Corinthians 6:9-11

And such was I...

Peace

My One Word for 2017 is peace. I have not thought about it for a couple of months or more. Back in June, I had my students revisit their One Words and think about how God was using it to shape them and help them to grow. However, I didn't do the exercise myself, and I should have. I was busy finishing up my school year, writing reports, preparing my household for my absence, and getting ready to be on vacation. My mind was far away in the anticipation of my wedding day and honeymoon... it was really all I could think about. That day has come and gone, and what a wonderful day it was; we couldn't have planned it better, because we didn't. It was all God. The vacation was experienced, savoured, and logged into memory, and I have been left pondering the wonder of it all. Maybe I'll write about it someday, but for now... it's locked in my heart.

The peace that I have been seeking for years has come into my life. I suppose it's a peace that is circumstantial in some ways, but it is beautiful and fills my heart with joy. I am at peace in finding my new husband, my partner to walk with for the second half of life, and I'm excited to see what God will do in and through us. When I thought about my One Word choice and what impact I wanted it to have, I was cognizant of wanting peace to be inner, from Jesus, and outward towards those around me and in relationship with me. As I think about how that will play out now, I realize that there is still much to be done to keep me in the kind of peace that is not circumstantial and lasts.

My husband and I are apart the majority of the time. My friends who've been married for thirty plus years, joke about how this is the best kind of marriage. But in my newly wed state, I'm struggling to accept the very thing that I signed up for. I don't want to complain and seem ungrateful in the situation since I already knew that I was choosing it in the first place. It's temporary and it has it's perks. Our passion grows; our conversation is kept fresh; our times together always include a bit of adventure and travel; we have things to look forward too; and we aren't disrupting the lives of our children. Even so, I cannot wait for the day that we can be together the majority of the time; creating a life, patterns, friendships, a household, a joint mission in our community, and one abroad. Once we're together, how much more will we impact our children? How much more will we be able to accomplish individually, let alone together? I know that I support him now, and he supports me... but I've already seen days when all I can do is talk to him and listen, wishing I could do something more. I find that either grieving, blocking, or ruminating can steal my peace when we're apart.

Grieving
The grieving process always begins the day of departure. When we both know it's time for us to return and part ways. We talk less, we can't seem to think of something to do, and we both seem to want to sleep. Retreating into ourselves to keep the raw emotions that are at the surface from coming out. It's as if it would be easier if we could just blank it all out. Pretending it's no big deal, we talk about how long the time apart will be like it's not that bad. We focus on the small talk of weather, packing the bags, checking in with the airline, and when we should head out. Sometimes I imagine myself clinging to him in tears as he rips me off him and leaves me in the security line up at the airport; it never happens that way. I often think I'll have some amazing thing to say as I drop him off. I watch as he disappears into the building and the people inside. I never have anything profound to say; my words are always caught, swimming in emotion in my mind. I thought that it would get better, but it doesn't, it's the same every time. I blank out on the plane or the drive home. Sometimes I can pray, but usually I'm a little numb. If I have something to do right away, it's always a bit better; the wall I'm going to hit is delayed. I cry when I wake up, I struggle to shut down in the evening, I'm restless through the night seeking him in my bed and finding nothing. I exercise in order to find my joy, surround myself with work and friends, and eventually accept the rhythm of the two calls a day and the texts in between. Grief hits me when I want to share something with him or do something with him, or I just feel empty when I'm out and realize my husband should be with me.

Blocking
Sometimes to find my way through the grief I block it. I shore up myself and remember my independence and individual strength. I walk in the confidence that I am free and able to do whatever I want because I'm currently on my own. I have the best of both worlds. This was actually something I did more of in the beginning, before we got married. I had a boyfriend and I was still able to spend time with my friends, unencumbered by the weight of checking to see what he was doing, because he wasn't here. I would block my feelings of sadness and needing him by reminding myself that I don't want to be needed or to be needy. That was weakness and would ruin my relationship with him in the end anyway. I would harden my heart to go on and be 'single' and yet committed. As I was considering my vows and how my marriage affects my life now, I was struck by the faulty logic and the selfishness of this thinking and behaviour. A close friend commented that I was a strong independent woman and contrasted that with me being in a relationship. Why does being a strong independent woman conflict with being in a relationship, with being married? Is a woman really less than if she's married? I realized that even I had that faulty thinking in the recesses of my mind. I had blocked my need for my boyfriend, my fiance, because need is weakness. In doing so, I was hardening my heart for the time being, blocking the very vulnerability that allowed for connection and love to grow. Singles, know this... you're probably doing this out of fear of getting hurt, being taken advantage of, appearing to be needy, or extending love that may not be returned. Also know this, it doesn't have to be this way; and if you keep doing it and you want to have a partner, this is not how to make that happen. Vulnerability is not an option to be in relationship; and it is courageous to enter into it with someone who goes with you. I can't block anymore to deal with not being with my husband. Hardening my heart and closing down my openness even for a time is foolish and counterproductive. Blocking has to become a thing of the past. When overwhelmed with the intensity of my need, I must face it, possibly talk about it, and give it to Jesus.

Ruminating
If I don't grieve, which I usually do, or block, which I'm going to stop doing, I ruminate. I start to imagine scenarios that are not actually happening, and they're always terrible. My mind becomes filled with focusing on sadness and I get depressed. Negative thinking about my situation and how stupid it is floods my mind. I get stuck in old reels from the past that accuse me, scare me, take over my good memories, and cloud my happiness. My sin becomes ever present and the Devil accuses me. I have flashbacks that threaten my connection to my husband and arouse doubt. Ruminating is ugly and is the worst of the three states that rob my peace. I often feel attacked by Satan when I head down this path and I've had to literally ask him to leave in the name of Jesus. It's the spiritual battle part of being separated from my husband and it's strength has really surprised me. Why am I tempted to go down this road? I realize that it seems so ridiculous to choose this path, but what I think happens is, it sneaks up on me in my grief and presents itself as a better option than blocking the feelings. I have now seen it for what it is, an attack on my marriage. Even though I cannot always keep it from beginning, I am able to stop it, to change up my thinking, get busy doing something, and ask Jesus to stand guard over my thoughts.

As you read my descriptions it may seem that I am a basket case and very unstable. But these emotions and torment pass through me in moments and are often sealed up in my heart and mind. They sometimes keep me in bed for too long, cause me to isolate for a few days at home, or stop me in my tracks, but I can be thankful that they do not take over. Jesus is faithful and He is enough. I remember in the early days of being single again after my first marriage ended, I was surprised to miss being married and would fall asleep or wake up repeating to myself... Jesus is enough, Jesus is enough. It is for a different reason that I repeat that now. What a full circle moment to realize that no matter the situation, Jesus has to be enough. I am not complete in my husband, I am complete in Jesus and His plan and purpose for me will always be full until He takes me home.

I need peace that is not circumstantial to walk this journey. I know that this is God's plan, that it is not a terrible cross to bear. He has given me a gift wrapped in this particular package for a purpose. My prayer is that I will continue to allow the Lord to inform and shape my plans, guiding me to do His will whether with my husband or apart. That Jesus would bring peace where there should be none, resolution that is humanly impossible, and wisdom to see when I am taking back the reins. May my husband and I walk in the will of the most Holy, loving, one and only creator God. In Jesus name, Amen. 

For Gene

Your words put to music...

Take my hand
I won't let go
We've waited so long

And all my life
I walked alone
To you, my heart, my home

Like the first man
I was cut so deep by heaven's knife
When I awoke from my sleep
Oh my Lord, she's beautiful
She's a part of me
She's my wife

Bound by love
One flesh to be
An unbroken ring

And I lay down
My life for thee
In love we are free

Like the first man
I was cut so deep by heaven's knife
When I awoke from my sleep
Oh my Lord, she's beautiful
Walking up to me
Oh she's wonderful
Standing next to me
Oh she's all, all that I could need
Yeah, she's beautiful
She's a part of me
She's my wife

Heaven's Knife ~ Josh Garrels

Heaven's Knife ~ click to listen

My Boys

I thought I would share the toast I gave to my boys for graduation this year at my school. There were four boys who graduated this year... my boys... to the staff at Hope, they are our boys. We are sending them off to become the men that we see glimpses of now and pray that we will see them again.
So, here's my toast below... unfortunately, you miss my little silly ad ins this way, but enjoy.

Thank you for that wonderful toast to our staff, Dana.
I speak for all the staff at Hope that have taught you over your time at the school. It is an honour to be able to say a few words in congratulations to you and toast to your future. Since I have the mic, I wanted to address each grad individually.
As my students know, and maybe the staff members too, I’m a huge U2 fan. So, I’ve chosen a U2 song lyric for each of the grads.
Each student also chose One Word for the 2017 year instead of doing a new year’s resolution. I have framed my toast to each of them based on their word choices.

D*** - leadership Mark 10:42-45

D*, your energy and enthusiasm is going to be missed around campus. I hope you lead with that same energy as you go out from here. Don’t ever lose that youthful energy and keep on being willing to look silly. I will miss your interruptions in the gym while I’m teaching as you bring the chaos. In your desire to lead, may you first learn to follow, to understand your own flaws and seek to be more like Jesus, and then serve in your leadership.

For you D*, I chose words from the U2 song Lemon. ~ Midnight is where the day begins.
Lemon is not a song filled with the usual U2 wisdom, but this line repeats in the background. I chose this for you because it’s a reminder to you that it is in times of darkness, struggle, and hardships that the dawn, the light of Jesus shines through. Always remember to look for that.

G*** - change 1 Corinthians 15:51-52

G*, your generosity marks much of my memories of you. Your worshipful singing in Chapel will be missed. It was a good example to the younger students and even to me to look up and see you singing with such emotion; very encouraging. You are a thinker and a skeptic at times. I have witnessed you opening your heart and allowing that to change your mind. That’s the supernatural power of the Spirit. As you continue to learn and grow, facing the changes ahead, let your heart lead your head.
And that leads me to your U2 song lyric which is from Vertigo ~ Your head can't rule your heart. G*, it’s when you allow your heart to inform your mind that you will be able to respond with openness and courage as you move into all the changes that are ahead in the coming years.

D****l - success Matthew 25:21

D*l, you shared with me your verse choice for grad this year; The grace of the Lord Jesus be with all. Amen. - Revelation 22:21. I think it fits your sensibilities; and it is a window into your true heart that you desire for God’s grace to be given to everyone. I know that as you seek to find your successes in the future, there will be times of difficulty and you will need the grace of God and others in order to be truly successful. My hope is that you seek true success which will allow you to hear God say that he is pleased with you.
My U2 song lyric for you is from One Tree Hill ~ I'll see you again when the stars fall from the sky. I know I will see you again before the stars fall from the sky… but this reminds me of your sentimental nature, a kindness that softens your rough edges, something you often hide from others. You see the end and although it seems fatalistic, you are an optimist in an anti-optimist kind of way. Love large D*l, seek the truth, and I believe I will see you when the stars fall from the sky, on the other side.

T***** - understanding 2 Peter 3:14-18

T*, this year you chose such a great word that was perfect for you! Working with you one on one this year, as you were my only Communications student, I saw first hand your servant heart and your desire to understand; not only yourself but others around you. As you grow in your understanding of yourself this will help you to understand God’s amazing plans for you, and it will also help you to continue to grow in understanding others. Never give up the desire to understand. You have the most important thing figured out; you know Jesus loves you. That is your foundation and from that you can grow in grace and understanding.
My U2 song lyric for you is from the song Beautiful Day ~ The heart is a bloom… your heart is full of joy and seeks to help. Always allow that to bloom and keep finding beauty in each day as you set out from here.

So, raise your glasses, to the grads of 2017.

May you find that all your paths lead to success as you embrace the many changes ahead.
And may you be leaders that serve others out of love, always growing in your understanding by the power of the Holy Spirit.

* Ask D*l to come forward to stab the ever flat volleyball with a knife - because I promised he could, and I keep my promises.

Malaise

I have general malaise. I have been fighting it for this entire month. The nature of malaise is that the cause is unknown; which is definitely true in this case. There is no reason for me to be melancholy, or unhappy, and to be experiencing angst. But it is June...

June is my birthday month, which is actually a good thing. I don't have any ill regard for birthdays and I don't worry about getting older. I have even thrown myself a birthday party or two to celebrate. June is the beginning of summer, which I would say if I had to pick, would be my favourite season. June is the end of the school year and in past years the beginning of camping, long days, nights by the fire, days at the lake and beach, and no schedules to maintain with my children. June is the last month before I get 6 weeks vacation. After the last teaching day, I can stop waking up to an alarm clock and instead allow my body decides to wake-up naturally. June is when I take out my hammock and my first lounges looking up at the sky and trees begin. June is Father's day, and I love my dad, so that's good. In June the constant rain begins to fade and the sun shines more often. My high school basketball team that won two Provincial titles is being inducted into the Coquitlam Sports Hall of Fame, and that's happening tomorrow. This year, June marks the month before I get married. There are only 18 days left before I get to have the best husband I could have ever imagined. So that's pretty amazing...

June is also when my allergies are at their worst. It's not just me that suffers, but my children as well. The amount of money that goes into masking our bodies reactions to all this completely harmless pollen, actually puts a noticeable dent in my bank account. Since I started working full time as a teacher, June is also the end of the work year. Although this means vacation is just around the corner, it also comes with lots of work, reporting, cleaning, inventory, year end parties and responsibilities, and getting ready for the next year ahead. As I said, June is my birthday month and this year my sister is throwing me a party. It's going to be fun. I know I don't sound excited... I will be when I'm celebrating. I have been trying to deny that I'm upset that my fiance isn't coming for my birthday, but that's just not working. I'm disappointed. I understand why, I don't expect it to change, and I'm not mad. It's just adding to the malaise. For a work related issue, I am in mediation next week and it will take all day, the day before report cards are due. Perfect. Father's Day in  June is good for me, but for my kids, it isn't. For them it is another reminder of their broken relationship with their dad. This year, for me this seems even more evident. As I compare the relationship that my fiance has with his children and his Father's Day activities that are rightfully keeping him from me. It's a reminder that although his relationship with his children isn't perfect, it's so much better than what my children have, there is no comparison. I wept over that this year, and I've been praying for their dad... something has to get better and it needs to come from him.

The mixture of good and bad emotions and events in June is draining me this year. It is this time of year that I am reminded that I need to rest, but find that I can't rest. I have needed to rest for almost four years. I am restless at night, procrastinate during the day, and directionless in my tasks. I am endlessly tired. My mind seems to be a sieve and I cannot retain the simplest of information. It is this time of year that reminds me that I want to stop. I want to stop doing everything.

Normally, I use exercise to rid myself of the malaise, but I currently have sore hips and I'm feeling a little bummed that I have to put my running routine on hold. I have to keep calm and carry on about that; just change up the routine and stop whining.... I must plow on through. I need to maintain the way all this flesh hangs on my bones; going to Cancun in July, I can't afford to ignore it. I have too many great things that are just around the corner and more than a month of rest ahead.

Now that I've said it, maybe I can get some shit done.

I really wish I could skip this part of every year.

Work, Kids, and Love

I wish I had a cabinet full of wine and money in the bank. That was the sentiment that went through my head today as I drove away from my place of work.

WORK
School is coming to a close and it's not been a bad year of teaching. This year teaching physical education didn't feel like a nightmare; it helps when you have a gym. I spent last year leading students in physical activity, sport, and active living without a gym. Let me tell you, this outdoor girl has a new appreciation for indoor activity. I feel like teaching has gone well and I conquered the curriculum. I had some successes and some misses; I handled my reporting better; I didn't completely figure out how to motivate my grade eight class, but we managed; I saw some amazing growth in my senior students in both classes I taught them; I think I hit the ball out of the park teaching sewing; and my evaluation is finally over.

I work at a small private Christian school in a farming community in the middle of suburbia. I almost decided not to return to this place of learning in the fall. This spring I sought to end the struggle of working for too little pay and with a superior who not only lacks leadership ability but is also completely unprofessional. I applied to teach in the public sector as this is the year for which BC teachers have been waiting. Private sector teachers across the province have been considering making the jump to the public sector as the flood gates have opened up for the districts to hire, and hire a lot. After two interviews and two job offers, I was suddenly torn. The previous two years at work had been very difficult, but as I put together my resume and a portfolio of my work and abilities, I started to see the diverse experience that my school had provided. In my interviews I heard that I was qualified, capable, flexible, smart, a good communicator, familiar with appropriate assessment techniques, and able to work with the new curriculum with ease. These were things that I had not heard about my teaching in a number of years. These were things I had not heard about myself. Yeah, it's the old bull shit stuff from my previous marriage still clogging up my life. I cannot believe that it still rears it's ugly head every now and then. Anyway, going through the process of seeking another job was nerve racking and exhilarating all at the same time. I was thrilled to be seen as good at my job, sought after in the field, and worthy of more money. That was actually the biggest emotional hit; to realize that I was not getting paid what I was worth. It brought me to tears.

Here's the rub.... when I added up what the change would cost me, it didn't make sense to make the jump. The public sector was offering me more money, better benefits, more opportunity for professional development, better retirement plans, and higher potential future earnings. That would all be great, if I didn't have to go without pay for two months, had an actual job and not just a teaching on call position with a verbal promise that I would most likely get a job by November, and was staying in BC for the rest of my working life. I have too much debt to handle no pay for two months and I'm supporting my family, so I can't work on call hoping it will all work out. Plus, I'm moving to Arizona in two years. It didn't add up to a good idea for me. It felt like a kick to the gut and a pat on the back all at the same time.

During this process of seeking a job elsewhere, there was an external administration evaluation going on at my school. This opened the door for myself and my fellow staff members to speak up about our situation and try to find solutions. I found myself revealing events and speaking honestly about how our work environment was being affected by the poor leadership we were under. As part of my contract negotiations, I made it clear that these issues needed to be addressed and plans made for them to be dealt with or I may not sign. I was seriously considering making the jump if there was going to be no plans for changes. This process has also been nerve racking and exhilarating all at the same time. I am so pleased that conversations have gone well, actions have been taken, and plans for future reconciliation are in motion. My decision to stay was not just about money and practicality, but also about how the administration and board has handled the evaluation and tried to respond to our needs. We have yet to move forward on all action plans, but at least we have them and our concerns have been heard and acted on. It should be noted... I did get a raise and a very good position for next year. I am teaching Health and Physical Education for grades 6-12, Christian Studies for grade 9-12, and instructing in Career Education, Planning, and Graduation Transitions. It's really my dream job.

So... Why did I go through the hassle of trying to find a different job if this was going to be the end result? Did I make the right decision? The answer to those questions will actually be answered at the end, because it's about love and not work.

KIDS
My youngest son has been doing pretty well in Grade 10. He's found an actual group of friends that I trust and when he isn't home, I don't worry about it. He's independently getting up for school most of the time and gets himself from A to B on his own on most occasions. I think he's doing pretty well in school. Is it bad that I don't really care and I'm more glad that he's found a good group of friends, is making good choices in social situations, has found a place to belong at a church youth group, and is treating girls well? I know school is important, I'm a teacher! But I would rather he be kind and love Jesus, than be a straight A, arrogant, asshole, that sees girls as trophies, treats me terribly, and has no time for matters of the heart. He has made good choices this year. He's not perfect and still has a lot of growing up to do, but I like how it's currently going. The best part, is that he has found a church community where he feels safe and is growing. I couldn't be happier. I know that the next two years are going to be super stressful for him. Final years in high school usually have students considering who they are going to be and what they are going to do. My little guy is also going to have to consider moving out of the country with his mother or staying here on his own. That is a pretty big thing to have hanging over you. I think the safe thing is for him to come along for the ride with me... but it may not be what's best for him. However, staying here means being able to find a place to live, work and still somehow go to school. It's not even clear to me what he should do or what would be harder. I really feel for him.

My daughter has returned from a year of Bible school in an outdoor discipleship program and living on campus. It's pretty clear that it was a total bust. She academically failed out of the first semester, losing two bursaries and owing the school money. I refused to pay it, even though I couldn't have anyway. She revealed her plight to the rest of her program buddies, and they covered the cost for her after the leader of the program reinstated one of them.  Her academic failure cost her graduating the program. She basically got a $10,000 loan to hang out on campus, chase after boys, and participate in outdoor activities. I shouldn't be so negative, but it feels like she just had a very expensive gap year; she even admitted as much once in the car with me. It is her life, and I'm thankful that she is learning some lessons. She has a job this summer at her favourite summer camp and will actually get paid for it as opposed to just volunteering. Until the middle of June, she's just hanging out here. It's not all bad. She has been cooking and cleaning and has given up boys as a way to fight her boredom. Her plans are to work for the next year and prepare for going into nursing, which could mean taking some high school biology. She will find her way. If nothing at all, she's good with people and loving and kind, and she loves Jesus. Isn't that all I want for my kids anyway? I have to remind myself sometimes...

My oldest son has finally hit pay dirt when it comes to his job. He's working up in northern BC building a gold mine with Tru-Steel. After paying his way through BCIT and spending the last couple of years working for so many different companies I've lost track, he is signed on for his apprenticeship as a sheet metal fabricator and even doing some welding. I'm so proud of him. He's worked really hard. He's finally holding up his end and paying to live in my house, consistently. We would have had to move if he couldn't start giving me actual rent money, and he'd have been kicked out. I can't support him anymore. He is still struggling along with his girlfriend and I worry about that, but I cannot tell him who to love or how to do it right. I've made my own mistakes and often find myself correcting some of his thinking that comes from what he saw growing up. But he loves Jesus, and he is kind. He's a good man. Wow, my son is a man... I really think that this year, he's become a man. I don't see him as a boy anymore. I pray that he can find his way and that God would bless him financially and most of all to be blessed in his relationships. I don't want him to have a hard life, but I know that is not really up to me.

Parenting has been a very exhausting journey in the past five years. I relish the breaks that I receive and cannot wait for longer ones and the time when the constant work is over. I will always love them with a fierceness and faithfulness that is beyond my understanding. But I'm thankful that Jesus loves them more than I do.

I have four new kids in my life that I've been blessed with through my fiance. I hardly know them, but I'm already thinking and praying for them and being drawn into their world. God has often brought them to mind, telling me to pray for them. It's good to know that I'm being drawn in by Jesus even before I've met two of them. I think about the three girls and each of their different personalities and interests; the struggles they have now and may have later; and the pressures that the world puts on them. I want desperately to get to know each of them more intimately. I have had some small opportunities to make connections with the two youngest girls, and it gives me a charge of excitement when I sense that brief moment that we share, where I see them and they see me. Another boy is also in the mix. He is in the thick of trying to find himself in a world that can be confusing for young men. As he tries to pursue manhood and find his way, I think of my own boys and what they go through. He is on my heart more these days as I sense that he is in a crucial place. Like my own children, I want them to be kind and loving, to have good relationships, and to love Jesus. What I've learned is that I need to pray for their dad... and even their mothers. They are influencing and guiding and loving those kids, even the adult ones. So, I pray. I think it's a good practice... I'll get to know them more and more, through what my fiance tells me and soon from my own interactions with them. I'm excited to start this journey of relationship with these four new young people. It's a very hopeful adventure and a gift from my Heavenly Father. I am not really sure that I'm up for the challenge of mentoring more young people, but He has a plan for my relationship with them, and I am thankful that Jesus loves them more than I ever will.

LOVE
For loves sake... I have tried on my journey in singleness to find ways to love. Love my friends and family, my co-workers, students, athletes I coach, and be willing to love in relationship. Love is risky, and with my wounds, I haven't always been very good at it. I'm selfish and have chosen at times to only love myself. I think it may have been all I could do. But when I've extended myself outward I have not been disappointed. My exhaustion is rewarded, and the peace and joy that follows is yet another selfish reason to choose the way of love.

As I reflect on my decision to stay at my small insignificant job in the little school where God has placed me, I remember love. I love those with whom I work. Their lives have intertwined with mine as we've laboured together and worked to see our students grow and develop. They have become apart of my local family, where we are united because of Jesus. My love for my students is different and more like a parent. I know it is for but a brief moment that I can love them and push them and try to point them toward their best, but it is in that moment that I know God wants me to be present. I hope I haven't missed any opportunities with any of them. I pray that my decision to stay is part of God's plan not just for me but also for them. And as I consider the last two years in which I will be a part of this community, I again remember love. It is for love that I made this choice.

I lamented saying no to jumping into the public sector for work. All I had wanted back when my teaching journey began in 2009 was to work in the public sector. Then when it was being offered, I said no. I was internally yelling at myself! What was I doing!? Make the jump! Don't let these details sway you! Take the risk! It'll be worth it! You'll be a part of something bigger. You'll be bigger! But I said no. I actually made a practical decision that had some basis in looking at facts, weighing the costs, and evaluating my situation. I made a decision about work that wasn't based on my own ego or emotions. And it actually felt wrong at first. I didn't know what to do with how it felt either. And so, I lamented. Yes, I made a practical decision, but that decision is based on choosing love. I would have jumped if not for love.

My life is filled with love. I have over the past eight months been blessed by the love of a man who I believe is a gift to me from my Heavenly Father. I know, it sounds cheesy... but on this I will not be moved. This love has opened up my heart and eyes to a better outlook and to the possibilities. New hope fills my mind and I am sure about our future more than I am about anything else. It has shaped my decisions; plans that I thought I would execute alone, are now unfolding with a partner. When I made the choice to stay in my current job, I was choosing this path of love and marriage and partnership. I was choosing to trust that this is what God has in store for my future. I was choosing to trust him, to trust that I could partner with him and not lose myself, but gain instead more. Even as I type this, I know this is a risk. To trust and risk love has changed the course of my life. Love has set in motion a new plan, a joint direction, and an adventure that I'm both nervous and excited about. I pray often for God to reveal the plans and the purpose of our partnership. And yet, I don't want to complicate it or put pressure where there should be none. There is peace in this place and after so much turmoil and struggle, I look forward to the oasis that this love has given me. For now, it is an oasis that I visit when we are together, when we talk, and when we pray. Soon it will be an oasis in which I live and will go forward from into the next chapter.

I love you... to my fiance

"Dog Years"

Dog Years - Maggie Rogers

I count my time in dog years

Swimming in sevens

Slow dancing in seconds

Oh and I'm the one that loves you

Oh and I'm the one that loves you

I spend my time daydreaming

As sure as the sea

It's just you and me

Oh and I'm the one that loves you

Oh and I'm the one that loves you

And if you had a bad week

Just let me touch your cheek

Oh and I'll be there waiting

When you get frustrated

I know things are changing

But, darling, I'm saying

I'll be singing you in all of my songs

Come what may

I'll still stay

Inside your mind

For all of time

Singing, ooh

We will be alright

In the afterlife

Of all that is shifting

And shaking my system

I know your rhythm

I know, I know, I know

That I'm the one that loves you

Oh and I'm the one that loves you

And if you had a bad week

I will sing you to sleep

Oh and I'll be there waiting

If you start to get jaded

I know things are changing

But, darling, I'm saying

I've been here all along

Come what may

I'll still stay

Inside your mind

For all of time

Singing, ooh

We will be alright

Not in vain will still stay the same

Inside your mind

For all time

Singing, ooh

We will be alright

In the afterlife

In the afterlife

We'll be alright here on this earth too...
I will restore to you the years the swarming locust have eaten,
the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter... Joel 2:25