To begin Advent this year I've been thinking about the gospel.
One phrase that keeps repeating itself over and over in my mind came from the mouth of R.C. Sproul; the gospel isn't your personal testimony. With that in mind, this Christmas I am going to look into what it really is.
What is the good news?
Romans 1:1-6 will be my guiding text as I search the scripture for the message of the 'gospel of God'.
"Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God, which he promised beforehand through his prophets in the holy Scriptures, concerning his Son, who was descended from David according to the flesh and was declared to be the Son of God in power according to the Spirit of holiness by his resurrection from the dead, Jesus Christ our Lord, through whom we have received grace and apostleship to bring about the obedience of faith for the sake of his name among all the nations, including you who are called to belong to Jesus Christ"
27.11.10
17.11.10
Proverbs 2:6-11
For the LORD gives wisdom;
from his mouth come knowledge and understanding;
he stores up sound wisdom for the upright;
he is a shield to those who walk in integrity,
guarding the paths of justice
and watching over the way of his saints.
Then you will understand righteousness and justice
and equity, every good path;
for wisdom will come into your heart,
and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul;
discretion will watch over you,
understanding will guard you
Taken from the Desiring God Blog
For the LORD gives wisdom;
from his mouth come knowledge and understanding;
he stores up sound wisdom for the upright;
he is a shield to those who walk in integrity,
guarding the paths of justice
and watching over the way of his saints.
Then you will understand righteousness and justice
and equity, every good path;
for wisdom will come into your heart,
and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul;
discretion will watch over you,
understanding will guard you
Taken from the Desiring God Blog
The radical claim of the Bible is that wisdom isn't first a book, or a system, or a set of commands or principles. No, wisdom is a person, and his name is Jesus Christ. When you and I are graced into acceptance with him, we're drawn into a personal relationship with Wisdom, and Wisdom begins a lifelong process of freeing us from the stronghold that the foolishness of sin has on us. We aren't yet completely free, but there will be a day when our every thought, desire, choice, action, and word will be fundamentally wise!
It makes such sense then, that a repentant man (David) would reflect on his need for wisdom. Sin, in reducing us to fools, causes us to do foolish things, even though we think we're wise. And for this we need more than information, education, and experience. We need exactly what we find in Christ—grace.
Wisdom is the product of grace; there is simply nowhere else it can be found.
15.11.10
I think I've used this song by U2 before. Again, it is a perfect description of where I am at on this journey.
One Step Closer u2
I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing
These words haunt me because I wish I knew what I was closer to knowing.
One Step Closer u2
I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing
These words haunt me because I wish I knew what I was closer to knowing.
2.11.10
Blessed be the name of the Lord
In good and bad times
He gives and takes away
He does what seems good to Him
He is faithful, loving , and gracious
It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Lord
He sees our sins ever before him
Yet with Jesus standing for us, will remember them no more
We are saved by faith alone
Our God saves
The cross is salvation from sin
The cross spells victory for us
Victory for eternity
Victory now... ?
Does his healing and saving make a difference now?
Marriages struggle and fail
Violence, greed, perversion, cruelty, and indifference
Found even among the called
How can it be?
Sinners we still are; our nature against the Spirit within
Resurrection power
Call out for it
May it be as it should be within my soul
I am dead
We are dead
Resurrection power
Make me alive
May I see victory...
even now
In good and bad times
He gives and takes away
He does what seems good to Him
He is faithful, loving , and gracious
It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Lord
He sees our sins ever before him
Yet with Jesus standing for us, will remember them no more
We are saved by faith alone
Our God saves
The cross is salvation from sin
The cross spells victory for us
Victory for eternity
Victory now... ?
Does his healing and saving make a difference now?
Marriages struggle and fail
Violence, greed, perversion, cruelty, and indifference
Found even among the called
How can it be?
Sinners we still are; our nature against the Spirit within
Resurrection power
Call out for it
May it be as it should be within my soul
I am dead
We are dead
Resurrection power
Make me alive
May I see victory...
even now
1.11.10
26.10.10
The recovering Pharisee's creed
Or, for those of you who don't speak Christianees
The recovering Judgmental Self-Righteous Person's creed
There's no real way to shorten that.
When I speak of sin, I will no longer talk of it as something in my distant past. When I speak of forgiveness, I will not speak of it as something I received years ago when I became a Christian. I will speak of the sin and forgiveness I experienced today - that I am experiencing right now - that enable me to be human and real and truthful with who I am and who I am becoming. And when conversation turns to talk of sinners, I will realize that the conversation is really about me. I will always know that I am the worst of sinners. I put Jesus on the cross; my sin nailed him there. And if I ever catch myself thinking that there exists, somewhere in the world, a worse sinner than I, regardless of the gravity of the crime, it is at that point that I have stepped over the pharisaical line and am speaking about something of which I know nothing. When it comes to sin, I can only speak of myself with absolute certainty, and in regard to myself and sin, I am certain of this: that I am an expert in both my sin and my forgiveness. One brings me sorrow; the other brings me great joy. The remarkable thing is not that I sin, but that, in spite of my sin, I am capable of having fellowship with God and being used by him for his purposes in the world.
"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!" 1 Corinthians 10:12
Taken from;
12 Steps for the Recovering Pharisee (like me)
Finding Grace to Live Unmasked
by John Fischer
pp101-102
Or, for those of you who don't speak Christianees
The recovering Judgmental Self-Righteous Person's creed
There's no real way to shorten that.
When I speak of sin, I will no longer talk of it as something in my distant past. When I speak of forgiveness, I will not speak of it as something I received years ago when I became a Christian. I will speak of the sin and forgiveness I experienced today - that I am experiencing right now - that enable me to be human and real and truthful with who I am and who I am becoming. And when conversation turns to talk of sinners, I will realize that the conversation is really about me. I will always know that I am the worst of sinners. I put Jesus on the cross; my sin nailed him there. And if I ever catch myself thinking that there exists, somewhere in the world, a worse sinner than I, regardless of the gravity of the crime, it is at that point that I have stepped over the pharisaical line and am speaking about something of which I know nothing. When it comes to sin, I can only speak of myself with absolute certainty, and in regard to myself and sin, I am certain of this: that I am an expert in both my sin and my forgiveness. One brings me sorrow; the other brings me great joy. The remarkable thing is not that I sin, but that, in spite of my sin, I am capable of having fellowship with God and being used by him for his purposes in the world.
"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!" 1 Corinthians 10:12
Taken from;
12 Steps for the Recovering Pharisee (like me)
Finding Grace to Live Unmasked
by John Fischer
pp101-102
19.10.10
I'm feeling stressed about finding a job; how to go about it; am I working hard enough at it; which direction to go; what is the best plan of action; public or private; coaching or not; and worst of all I feel so much guilt.
I don't get it. I have so much guilt about this whole process. I feel guilty for having gone to school and then not finding a job immediately. I feel guilt for seeking work and still not finding any; I mean am I looking hard enough? I feel like I've abandoned my own beliefs and principles by seeking work in the private and independent sector (I never believed in sending my own kids to private or Christian schools, but that's the only place I can find any work. Not only that - I like the environment at these schools. My whole mind-set has been changed in the past year). Not being able to get hired in the school district in which I graduated makes me feel guilty for some odd reason. I feel like a complete joke because I can not break down the public sector brick wall. And this one really gets to me; I feel guilty for using contacts, dropping names, and saying I'll do things like coaching when I don't even know if I want to or can for that matter. I would love to coach... but I feel guilty that I would love to coach. I feel like this whole thing is just one huge ego trip and I'm going to go no where with it because God is not into my ego.
I've said it. This is my biggest fear and doubt about the journey I've been on for the past two and a half years. I was convinced to pursue my certification was the right thing; I was sure that the LORD was putting me on the path ahead. I can still see what God was doing and recall all the confirmations during my year at school. I can see that the Lord has been our provider; Jehovah Jireh. However, the price I've had to pay has been huge; my whole family has had to pay a price. On my good days I feel confident that God was and is at work in it all and that my family and my marriage show the benefits of the road that we are still on. On an average day I'm frustrated and tired of the continual uncertainty. On a bad day, I fall to the ground in despair and feel that I have been duped by my own arrogance that I could change my situation and pursue a career. It seems as if it is all hubris.
I wanted to get a job and just be anonymous; just be another teacher on the list. I really did. If you know me, this may surprise you. I really don't want the pressure of my reputation from days of old glory or thoughts of who my father was as a teacher or even current notions of my supposed ability to teach. I don't want to have to live up to some legend of who someone has turned me into just so I could get on the coveted teacher-on-call list. I wanted to show up for work without any pressure to be something. What I mean is, I didn't want administrators and other teachers expecting something special because I was on the scene. Now it seems that the only way to get a job is to somehow put out there that I bring something that no one else can; that I can take on that basketball team and make it something no one ever imagined; that I can re-vamp the way Social Studies is taught and change the failure rate among grade ten students; I will bring best practice back to Physical Education; I will help the student who is being left behind because I have that special blend of 'cool' and authority wrapped into one; I am the teenage whisperer.
Whatever.
I just wanted a job I was trained to do, a job that I would enjoy, that had decent hours that fit my still growing family, to get paid a good wage, have access to a benefits package and begin putting in my time for a pension. Yet for some reason I feel as if I'm seeking the glory. The glory of what? I'm just teaching high school Gym and Social Studies. Everybody hates those classes.
It was simply too much to expect. Today is a bad day in the midst of a busy six day work streak that will end abruptly and not be picked up again for possibly a month. I don't want to spend another year being on call. It is mind numbing work that makes you not want to teach. It does have it's bright moments. I should stop complaining.
I am currently being told by two districts that interviews for teacher-on-call positions are imminent and that they are mere formalities to being hired. But have no interview date and have not heard from either district in more than a week. In my job search, I am learning that this is part of the dance. They promise, they talk, and then they drop the ball. I pester and pester and pester some more; and a year has gone by.
I usually end these posts with some words of wisdom from the good Book. I don't feel like it... I'm not at peace nor do I feel that my venting has produced any greater understanding or acceptance of my situation. Yet, here I go; this one was in a card from a friend and it may as well be what I end with.
"May the Lord... give you His peace no matter what happens." 2 Thessalonians 3:16 NLT
(I didn't use the ESV because this translation is exactly how I would say it.)
The above verse is a little more comforting as it asks that God's peace be given to you irregardless of what else happens. It's a softer sentiment than;
"May the LORD do what seems good to him." 2 Samuel 10:12
Whether you gain peace from that or not I suppose doesn't matter. I really am not in a good mood.
I don't get it. I have so much guilt about this whole process. I feel guilty for having gone to school and then not finding a job immediately. I feel guilt for seeking work and still not finding any; I mean am I looking hard enough? I feel like I've abandoned my own beliefs and principles by seeking work in the private and independent sector (I never believed in sending my own kids to private or Christian schools, but that's the only place I can find any work. Not only that - I like the environment at these schools. My whole mind-set has been changed in the past year). Not being able to get hired in the school district in which I graduated makes me feel guilty for some odd reason. I feel like a complete joke because I can not break down the public sector brick wall. And this one really gets to me; I feel guilty for using contacts, dropping names, and saying I'll do things like coaching when I don't even know if I want to or can for that matter. I would love to coach... but I feel guilty that I would love to coach. I feel like this whole thing is just one huge ego trip and I'm going to go no where with it because God is not into my ego.
I've said it. This is my biggest fear and doubt about the journey I've been on for the past two and a half years. I was convinced to pursue my certification was the right thing; I was sure that the LORD was putting me on the path ahead. I can still see what God was doing and recall all the confirmations during my year at school. I can see that the Lord has been our provider; Jehovah Jireh. However, the price I've had to pay has been huge; my whole family has had to pay a price. On my good days I feel confident that God was and is at work in it all and that my family and my marriage show the benefits of the road that we are still on. On an average day I'm frustrated and tired of the continual uncertainty. On a bad day, I fall to the ground in despair and feel that I have been duped by my own arrogance that I could change my situation and pursue a career. It seems as if it is all hubris.
I wanted to get a job and just be anonymous; just be another teacher on the list. I really did. If you know me, this may surprise you. I really don't want the pressure of my reputation from days of old glory or thoughts of who my father was as a teacher or even current notions of my supposed ability to teach. I don't want to have to live up to some legend of who someone has turned me into just so I could get on the coveted teacher-on-call list. I wanted to show up for work without any pressure to be something. What I mean is, I didn't want administrators and other teachers expecting something special because I was on the scene. Now it seems that the only way to get a job is to somehow put out there that I bring something that no one else can; that I can take on that basketball team and make it something no one ever imagined; that I can re-vamp the way Social Studies is taught and change the failure rate among grade ten students; I will bring best practice back to Physical Education; I will help the student who is being left behind because I have that special blend of 'cool' and authority wrapped into one; I am the teenage whisperer.
Whatever.
I just wanted a job I was trained to do, a job that I would enjoy, that had decent hours that fit my still growing family, to get paid a good wage, have access to a benefits package and begin putting in my time for a pension. Yet for some reason I feel as if I'm seeking the glory. The glory of what? I'm just teaching high school Gym and Social Studies. Everybody hates those classes.
It was simply too much to expect. Today is a bad day in the midst of a busy six day work streak that will end abruptly and not be picked up again for possibly a month. I don't want to spend another year being on call. It is mind numbing work that makes you not want to teach. It does have it's bright moments. I should stop complaining.
I am currently being told by two districts that interviews for teacher-on-call positions are imminent and that they are mere formalities to being hired. But have no interview date and have not heard from either district in more than a week. In my job search, I am learning that this is part of the dance. They promise, they talk, and then they drop the ball. I pester and pester and pester some more; and a year has gone by.
I usually end these posts with some words of wisdom from the good Book. I don't feel like it... I'm not at peace nor do I feel that my venting has produced any greater understanding or acceptance of my situation. Yet, here I go; this one was in a card from a friend and it may as well be what I end with.
"May the Lord... give you His peace no matter what happens." 2 Thessalonians 3:16 NLT
(I didn't use the ESV because this translation is exactly how I would say it.)
The above verse is a little more comforting as it asks that God's peace be given to you irregardless of what else happens. It's a softer sentiment than;
"May the LORD do what seems good to him." 2 Samuel 10:12
Whether you gain peace from that or not I suppose doesn't matter. I really am not in a good mood.
30.9.10
My parents are not perfect.
Well, duh...
I'm sure I knew that a long time ago; and most people know this about their parents through first hand experience. I will say that I have had much grace for my parents mistakes, character flaws, and consistent bad behaviour. Mainly because it is advantageous for me to do so; but also because it is how I show them respect and honour them as scripture says I should. Now that I am a parent, I pray daily that my children will have the grace and forgiveness of Jesus coursing through their veins in order that they still like me once they leave my house. Surprise, surprise... I'm not a perfect parent either.
All things considered, I have good parents. They are both God fearing, Bible thumping, Jesus loving, education pushing, hard noised disciplinarians, that gave us what we needed, protected us from what we didn't, and offered guidance in the way we should go. As myself and my sisters have grown up, they are still parenting in many ways.
However, considering that myself and my sisters are married with children my parents want too much control in our lives. A transition that should have happened a long time ago, has been delayed by the sheer force of their personalities and our own individual failures in cutting the parental ties. The past five years have been a very slow learning curve that I would say I only woke up to just this past year. As I begin to open my eyes, I realize that this transition is actually long overdue. It is sobering for me to say that the idealized vision of what once was a spotless image to me, now seems old and in need of remodeling. That sounds really bad. But its not. I love my parents. They are the reason for who I am in many ways - not just biologically. I am a product of them and I'm not entirely unhappy about that. However, the delay in dealing with leaving the home and my parents lack of letting go has caused some damage that currently seems overwhelming.
The events of the past five years has exposed this central control that needs to be removed. Now here's where I can get myself into some trouble. I'm going to reveal the under belly of the Klassen family. Dear God, don't let lighting strike me dead. My very fear in talking about this is an indication of the control that is present. The need that we as a family have to appear to be without blemish is strong and binding. It's really unhealthy.
I will try to sum up as briefly as I can. My younger sister moved to Indiana for two and a half years and then ended up 'stuck' living with my parents for two and a half years. My oldest sister and her family pulled away from the family unit for a time, becoming more difficult than usual; conveniently taking the role of 'black sheep'. My closeness with my younger sister increased due to distance; which was good for her and I but exasperated the 'black sheep' branding of my older sister and her family. My marriage nearly imploded on itself and my whole family was hit square in the face with the reality of our dysfunction; no hiding anymore. My husband and I are still recovering, healing, and learning as it seems new revelations take us down new paths every month. I'm not sure when we will fully move beyond our past and embrace a new reconciled future. It also seems that my parents have all but blocked out these events that have changed my marriage forever. All these things have come together to create an environment ripe for the need of support and trust in family. Yet, how do you work it all out and still allow for individuals to be individual? How do you respect each person, love each person, and give each person the freedom to be who God called them and still offer your advice? Can that even be done? Have my sisters and I been able to create our own family with our husbands as the head or have we failed; deferring instead to our father? Have our husbands failed to take the lead not knowing where they fit in? Have my parents infused too much of themselves into our family units? Who's responsibility is it to cut the parental ties? Do we blame my parents for being boundary busters or ourselves for not stopping their invasive behaviour? Is all this really that bad - or are our issues mild and normal things that occur between many parents and adult children?
These are big questions; ones that I can not truly answer definitively.
From my perspective, my sisters and I have not left our roles that once played themselves out when we were growing up. My older sister is a pleaser. She has a need to make them happy; which she never seems to achieve. My younger sister is the attacker. She sees their flaws, points them out and then tries to ensure that they see them and change them. What do I do? I ignore as much as possible. I understood early on, that my parents are dominant and that to get along I had to be quiet and appear to be following the party line. For the most part I did; all my objections and rebellion was kept to myself until I felt that they were not over me any longer. Arguing with an immovable object seemed back then and to this day, to be a waste of my time. So too does trying to please that; since I will either become them in pleasing them or go crazy trying. I suppose my own role is part of being in the middle. I want to keep the peace. I want my family to get along and to enjoy the differences that we all bring to the table.
The way these roles play themselves out now is interesting. My older sister went from pleasing to distance; which makes sense since she couldn't please them and her husband gave up trying to. She's back at it again however; even if it is unconsciously. My younger sister while living with my parents slowly broke them down into a shambles and nearly ruined her relationship with them. Her husband says very little and enjoys a position of safety because she will chop anyone's head off if they come after him. I have struggled to find my way with my parents. Sticking with ignoring them and saying little to oppose their views has created a sense that I agree with all they say and that they still exert control on my decisions. This has set my husband on a collision course with my parents, in particular with my Dad.
This is a bad family picture. It is also my dysfunctional point of view that carries it's own unique bias of being a favoured daughter. My sister's I'm sure have a very different view point. I did lay this out to my younger sister and was not given a comment or argument as to it's validity. But it doesn't matter; this is how I am trying to make sense of what is my family.
Truth be told this is all coming to a head because I have recognized that I have continued to seek advice, support, and approval from my parents in ways that were unhealthy; however beneficial this may have been to me in some circumstances. In the same sense that I did that, my parents also have busted down boundaries and shown little respect for my family unit and the head of our home, my husband; on many occasions encouraging me to go against his wishes. My sister's and I have even discussed the issue of their disrespect for our husband's. It is cloaked in secrecy and has never actually been spoken out boldly by either of our parents; but it has become clear to me that it is commonly known among our extended family and their friends.
My question to myself has been how do I address this? My younger sister has attacked; holding true to who she is. I have admired her ability to knock down their force and make way for her own family to rise up. I have also seen it's cruelty to my parents. Her way has revealed their weakness; a desire for us to love and respect them that drives them to want to reconcile all problems. My younger sister's husband has fared much better than my own due to this tactic. He is well protected and feels secure in his place in our family regardless of what he may know of what Mom and Dad think. His wife has his back and he knows it. Now that they are no longer living with Mom and Dad it seems that things have returned to normal and probably a much healthier normal than what came before. There are boundaries and they are not to be crossed; but what a difficult way to get there. My older sister has floundered as much as I have; going back and forth in her alignment with Mom and Dad. Her desire to please them earlier in her marriage exhausted her husband and he withdrew which damaged their overall relationship with Mom and Dad. There is a gap between not only them and Mom and Dad, but between them and all of us. It seems that she is changing how she goes about this and her husband is finding his way back. They are starting to see that Mom and Dad are old and in need of extra understanding for their ways and habits. Their boundaries seem to be distance and the controlled release of information.
What I'm searching for is a way to create my own way of handling this that is as healthy as I can make it. A perfect relationship between myself and my parents considering my family and my husband is not going to happen at this point. I have to accept that the past has consequences and my husband may never trust them. I have to accept that I can't turn to them for advice without exposing my own need to be affirmed by them and also to make a decision that pleases them and fits their understanding of what I should be. My weakness around my parents is actually that even though I ignore much of what they say and do; I actually want to please them and make them proud as much as my older sister does. If my younger sister is truthful with herself, she wants their approval and pride as well. To know that you have made your parents proud of you is universal among children. Yet, I have a different plan for my life than they have for me. I have dreams of how I want things to be that don't match their ideas. For that matter, God has had a plan for me that all along did not come from them. I have often lacked the courage to inject my ideas into the black hole of the Klassen mind set; I think I'm afraid that I would not pass the test. What is the test? Can who I am exist and be fully realized in full view of my parents without folding into their design and ideas? Can I separate my identity from my family of origin?
It's a complex question that has affected all of who I am. I have tried to allow my children to feel as little as possible the power of my personality. I don't want them to find themselves confused; am I my mother/father or am I myself? Does what they want from me and for me define who I am or does God? Maybe I'm still asking myself these questions. I feel so much guilt in hearing that I am like my dad; and yet at times it has made me feel good. I have felt so belittled when compared to my mom; and yet at times it is a compliment beyond compare.
This all seems like a psychological nightmare, the likes of which I will never truly wake up from until I am with the Lord. At this point I would settle for some peace and understanding. I am seeking to create a safe place for my husband to exist within the framework of my family. I am hoping to instill respect and honour in my children for their elders. I hope to find a way to receive a full blessing from my parents and still retain my unique direction in life. Ultimately, I want to seek to please my Heavenly Father. I'm not sure how all this can be accomplished. Someone is going to be disappointed and someone is going to have to find grace for me and my inability to resolve these issues. I must forsake all others for my husband and be worthy of the calling of Jesus by putting nothing above Him. It gives new meaning to Jesus' words:
"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple."
Luke 14:26
Luke 14:26
27.9.10
I actually wrote this back in March and never posted it. Very timely.
I was driving today. It gave me a chance to think. I listened to some apologetics and some great music. I listened for a moment to my own thoughts and maybe even allowed the very thoughts of God to invade my own harried thinking. Solitude is rare in my life and must be embraced when available.
I have had a couple of weeks of thinking about the ramifications of truly believing a lie. A lie. That makes it sound like an impossible thing for anyone to do. How could someone believe a lie? Wouldn't there be a point in time when you would realize that you'd been duped? The problem is, most of us at some point in time believe a lie that we ourselves have told our own minds. Circumstances and events lead us to believe things that aren't true. We don't talk about them and continue to make our own assumptions and conclusions which seem to have a logical linear route. We only ask ourselves - Why would I be wrong about this? - when confronted with evidence that doesn't seem to line up with the conclusions we've already made. Oh, but that doesn't stop us; we are so much smarter than that. Our skillful depraved hearts just find a way to connect the dots in just the right direction to continue to keep the lie alive. It's more comfortable to believe what we've already believed for so long.
Yeah, I know how to explain it because I've been there. Don't be so surprised. You have too. It's harder to accept it in someone else though. People believing a lie tend to hurt those around them with their insistence on its truth and the blaming that ensues. I think one way to know that you are believing a lie is that most of what you believe about what is going on is that its not your fault; everyone else is to blame for what is happening and for the circumstances that you are in. It can be very subtle. I'm not saying that it's never someone else's fault; often blame really does belong to someone else. Any time someone is made powerless by the acts and words of someone else, abuse is reigning. There in lies another subtlety. Once the victim no longer allows themselves to be victimized, the abuse will stop. However that looks - a complete end to the relationship or healing - the victim actually has some power to do something about it; but blame has to be diminished, understood, and then refocused. Let me explain... The victim will not do anything about their powerlessness if they continue in blame because they are stuck. It begins with the victim blaming themselves irrationally and placing no blame on the abuser. As the victim realizes that they have some power, blame shifts to the abuser for the abuse. This is when the victim now sees that little piece of power they have to change their situation. If they stay in the blame state (it's my fault/it's their fault) they will stay put; stuck because blame leaves no room for action. I suppose that is a very simplistic explanation, but I think it holds some water.
You can't change anything if it's all someone else's fault and you can't do anything if it's all your fault. Blame is big part of believing a lie; no matter how you slice it.
This all got me to thinking about the past and its affect on today. Is there any sense in saying that something shouldn't have happened; that a decision was wrong? Sure. I can see that when something turned out wrong, or bad, or hurt those around you there needs to be responsibility taken for that. It's hard to move forward if the truth is not faced; if forgiveness is not sought and reconciliation has no place. It is said these days that you do the best you can at the time with what you know; you can not blame yourself for the mistakes you made since you didn't know any better. Is that really true? This is relativism at its best. Could not a murderer, one who steals, or an adulterer just claim ignorance and then all would be OK? Where would be justice and how do the wrongs get made right? This is a lie cloaked in nice sounding words and even those who believe in the sovereignty of God can get caught in thinking this way. Is it not true that an all omnipotent omniscient God takes all that is done in your life and brings forth what he had planned all along? Since I believe that God is totally in control, I can not take responsibility for my past wrongs since now they have been made right. Whoa. Something smells funny.
I guess as I thought about believing a lie, this idea of not dwelling on the past and moving forward - recognizing that you've learned from your past, so you must do better; and what to do with blame when wronged and when you've done wrong - needs to be given clarification and explanation that actually makes sense. I don't think I'm there yet; I'm still not able to put into words what it is that needs to be explained. But I think that God is working in my heart and soul on this as my life unfolds in this in-between place that I find myself in. this chapter is not closed and the past that is affecting my future is still percolating as my future has yet to begin the next phase.
Yeah, I know... it's complicated.
This passage helps me;
2 Corinthians 5:11-6:10
Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade others. But what we are is known to God, and I hope it is known also to your conscience. We are not commending ourselves to you again but giving you cause to boast about us, so that you may be able to answer those who boast about outward appearance and not about what is in the heart. For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.
"In a favourable time I listened to you,
and in a day of salvation I have helped you."
Behold, now is the favorable time; behold, now is the day of salvation. We put no obstacle in anyone’s way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.
I was driving today. It gave me a chance to think. I listened to some apologetics and some great music. I listened for a moment to my own thoughts and maybe even allowed the very thoughts of God to invade my own harried thinking. Solitude is rare in my life and must be embraced when available.
I have had a couple of weeks of thinking about the ramifications of truly believing a lie. A lie. That makes it sound like an impossible thing for anyone to do. How could someone believe a lie? Wouldn't there be a point in time when you would realize that you'd been duped? The problem is, most of us at some point in time believe a lie that we ourselves have told our own minds. Circumstances and events lead us to believe things that aren't true. We don't talk about them and continue to make our own assumptions and conclusions which seem to have a logical linear route. We only ask ourselves - Why would I be wrong about this? - when confronted with evidence that doesn't seem to line up with the conclusions we've already made. Oh, but that doesn't stop us; we are so much smarter than that. Our skillful depraved hearts just find a way to connect the dots in just the right direction to continue to keep the lie alive. It's more comfortable to believe what we've already believed for so long.
Yeah, I know how to explain it because I've been there. Don't be so surprised. You have too. It's harder to accept it in someone else though. People believing a lie tend to hurt those around them with their insistence on its truth and the blaming that ensues. I think one way to know that you are believing a lie is that most of what you believe about what is going on is that its not your fault; everyone else is to blame for what is happening and for the circumstances that you are in. It can be very subtle. I'm not saying that it's never someone else's fault; often blame really does belong to someone else. Any time someone is made powerless by the acts and words of someone else, abuse is reigning. There in lies another subtlety. Once the victim no longer allows themselves to be victimized, the abuse will stop. However that looks - a complete end to the relationship or healing - the victim actually has some power to do something about it; but blame has to be diminished, understood, and then refocused. Let me explain... The victim will not do anything about their powerlessness if they continue in blame because they are stuck. It begins with the victim blaming themselves irrationally and placing no blame on the abuser. As the victim realizes that they have some power, blame shifts to the abuser for the abuse. This is when the victim now sees that little piece of power they have to change their situation. If they stay in the blame state (it's my fault/it's their fault) they will stay put; stuck because blame leaves no room for action. I suppose that is a very simplistic explanation, but I think it holds some water.
You can't change anything if it's all someone else's fault and you can't do anything if it's all your fault. Blame is big part of believing a lie; no matter how you slice it.
This all got me to thinking about the past and its affect on today. Is there any sense in saying that something shouldn't have happened; that a decision was wrong? Sure. I can see that when something turned out wrong, or bad, or hurt those around you there needs to be responsibility taken for that. It's hard to move forward if the truth is not faced; if forgiveness is not sought and reconciliation has no place. It is said these days that you do the best you can at the time with what you know; you can not blame yourself for the mistakes you made since you didn't know any better. Is that really true? This is relativism at its best. Could not a murderer, one who steals, or an adulterer just claim ignorance and then all would be OK? Where would be justice and how do the wrongs get made right? This is a lie cloaked in nice sounding words and even those who believe in the sovereignty of God can get caught in thinking this way. Is it not true that an all omnipotent omniscient God takes all that is done in your life and brings forth what he had planned all along? Since I believe that God is totally in control, I can not take responsibility for my past wrongs since now they have been made right. Whoa. Something smells funny.
I guess as I thought about believing a lie, this idea of not dwelling on the past and moving forward - recognizing that you've learned from your past, so you must do better; and what to do with blame when wronged and when you've done wrong - needs to be given clarification and explanation that actually makes sense. I don't think I'm there yet; I'm still not able to put into words what it is that needs to be explained. But I think that God is working in my heart and soul on this as my life unfolds in this in-between place that I find myself in. this chapter is not closed and the past that is affecting my future is still percolating as my future has yet to begin the next phase.
Yeah, I know... it's complicated.
This passage helps me;
2 Corinthians 5:11-6:10
Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade others. But what we are is known to God, and I hope it is known also to your conscience. We are not commending ourselves to you again but giving you cause to boast about us, so that you may be able to answer those who boast about outward appearance and not about what is in the heart. For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.
From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
Working together with him, then, we appeal to you not to receive the grace of God in vain. For he says,"In a favourable time I listened to you,
and in a day of salvation I have helped you."
Behold, now is the favorable time; behold, now is the day of salvation. We put no obstacle in anyone’s way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.
6.9.10
I was alone the other day at a Starbucks. As I sat there reading and writing - I'm currently writing down all the great things said in a book about anger - it struck me, no one knows where I am. I had been at a wedding that afternoon and was going to head home in between the ceremony and the reception but I decided not to drive all the way back from Vancouver. So I found a local SB and got the cheapest coffee they have and a sandwich. I had thought far enough in advance to bring my books and Bible so I would have something to do.
I must have been there for forty five minutes before I realized that no one knew where I was. The husband was still at work, the kids were at home thinking I was at a wedding. I wouldn't be meeting the husband until the reception two hours from now. I stopped writing and looked out the window, my pen frozen in my hand; no one knows where you are. I should turn off my cell phone, I thought; but I didn't (I did turn the ringer off). Putting the pen down I focused on the activity outside. The Starbucks was right by a bus stop across the street from the Broadway Skytrain Station. People were coming and going; across the street it appeared that deals were being made as I saw people exchange secret items from hand to hand. The 'patio' outside was only occupied by a lone regal native man (I noticed his earrings and necklace that looked handcrafted) and a couple of other dark ethnic men chatting loudly in the corner. Inside the tables created their own little places of intimacy as groups surrounded them; a couple at one table huddled around a laptop; a group of students discussing and sharing their papers at another; old friends in the corner; and the big comfy chairs occupied by a loud group of men who came and went like it was their office; and me, all dressed up with my book bag and fancy purse. It was a busy spot, lots of people coming in and leaving with their order. How had I missed all the activity when I first came in?
Why was being alone - and no one knowing where I was - so... well, great!? It really was great. The moment wasn't lost on me either; I felt it and its intensity was surprising. For seventeen years I have been a mother. I don't think that since I had my first child that I have been somewhere and not made sure that everyone knew where I was or that I had my kids with me. I was even tempted to call home and let the kids know where I was and that I would be going to the wedding reception at five. I stopped myself from doing it. No one needs to know where you are; you have a cell phone and you are not in danger.
Being truly alone is a gift. It's not about being lonely. I'm not lonely. No one was there to interrupt my thoughts, what I might want to do next was my decision, I could invite someone into my space or I could sit alone. Even in the busy spot I could hear what the Spirit may be saying to me. I could contemplate what Jesus wanted me to get from the book I was looking at, what Jesus was wanting me to do in the coming months ahead. I could watch the people and observe, not judging or missing any of it because of someone else's presence. I went back to my book briefly and then found myself merely staring at the page not really reading or writing anything; looking up out the window and slowly drinking my coffee. There was peace in that busy place because I was alone and no one knew where I was.
I have to do that again.
I must have been there for forty five minutes before I realized that no one knew where I was. The husband was still at work, the kids were at home thinking I was at a wedding. I wouldn't be meeting the husband until the reception two hours from now. I stopped writing and looked out the window, my pen frozen in my hand; no one knows where you are. I should turn off my cell phone, I thought; but I didn't (I did turn the ringer off). Putting the pen down I focused on the activity outside. The Starbucks was right by a bus stop across the street from the Broadway Skytrain Station. People were coming and going; across the street it appeared that deals were being made as I saw people exchange secret items from hand to hand. The 'patio' outside was only occupied by a lone regal native man (I noticed his earrings and necklace that looked handcrafted) and a couple of other dark ethnic men chatting loudly in the corner. Inside the tables created their own little places of intimacy as groups surrounded them; a couple at one table huddled around a laptop; a group of students discussing and sharing their papers at another; old friends in the corner; and the big comfy chairs occupied by a loud group of men who came and went like it was their office; and me, all dressed up with my book bag and fancy purse. It was a busy spot, lots of people coming in and leaving with their order. How had I missed all the activity when I first came in?
Why was being alone - and no one knowing where I was - so... well, great!? It really was great. The moment wasn't lost on me either; I felt it and its intensity was surprising. For seventeen years I have been a mother. I don't think that since I had my first child that I have been somewhere and not made sure that everyone knew where I was or that I had my kids with me. I was even tempted to call home and let the kids know where I was and that I would be going to the wedding reception at five. I stopped myself from doing it. No one needs to know where you are; you have a cell phone and you are not in danger.
Being truly alone is a gift. It's not about being lonely. I'm not lonely. No one was there to interrupt my thoughts, what I might want to do next was my decision, I could invite someone into my space or I could sit alone. Even in the busy spot I could hear what the Spirit may be saying to me. I could contemplate what Jesus wanted me to get from the book I was looking at, what Jesus was wanting me to do in the coming months ahead. I could watch the people and observe, not judging or missing any of it because of someone else's presence. I went back to my book briefly and then found myself merely staring at the page not really reading or writing anything; looking up out the window and slowly drinking my coffee. There was peace in that busy place because I was alone and no one knew where I was.
I have to do that again.
31.3.10
The most important things about me are not my successes but my failures. If you knew nothing of who I was except for where I had fallen down and had to get back up, you would know the most about my life, my character, and my relationship with my saviour Jesus Christ.
Problem is that doesn't work on a resume.
More to come later...
Problem is that doesn't work on a resume.
More to come later...
12.3.10
I did something very liturgical today. It is Lenten season and I haven't done much to think through and prepare myself for the Passion week ahead. See, I told you it was something liturgical in nature. Actually, maybe it's better to say that I did something Catholic. Why do I associate anything ritual with Catholicism? Does the reformed faith really have no ritual aspect to it? I think it is in my evangelical roots to see ritual as bad and that it gets in the way of relationship with Jesus. However, my life without the rituals would be without discipline in reading the Word and in prayer. hmmm ... Anyway...
I went to Our Lady of Mercy Parish to view the Man of the Shroud exhibit. I had been to the website and read some of the material, and I spoke with a teacher at STMC regarding the nature of the exhibit, yet I still wasn't sure what I would encounter. I went out of curiosity; as a student of history; as a religious investigator per se; as a protestant nay sayer; and as a woman of faith dipping her foot in the pool of mystery that surrounds the world of religious artifacts.
A brief description of the shroud;
The Shroud is an old bloodstained, dirty piece of linen cloth containing life-sized front and back images of a naked man who appears to have been crucified. In a climate of superstition, naiveté and disorder (for historical reasons that I will not go into here), a lucrative market in false relics flourished in Medieval Europe. Our knowledge of this history rightly conditions us to be suspicious of any medieval relic. New evidence however has put the Shroud back into the limelight, with the possibility of its authenticity. New Evidence includes; textile analysis that shows it is from first century Israel; pollen and floral imprints which show that it was in the environs of Jerusalem; chemical analysis that shows it was in physical contact with Jerusalem's limestone caves; portraits of Jesus on coins in the Byzantine Empire which suggest that they were derived from the face of the Shroud; links to a clothe in Spain that was said to be wrapped around the same head as the Shroud; blood stains proven to be human blood; forensic analysis of the body image is consistent with the markings of flogging, in a state of rigor mortis, and shows no decomposition.
My personal experience;
I went through the whole display; reading each display board slowly; the history, the art, the pathology, the iconography of it all encircling me as a walked and read. The church was quiet with the music of monks playing softly yet seemingly surrounding me as I was not able to tell where it was coming from (bear with me... I know they must have surround sound - I'm trying to create a feeling here). There were three stops that intrigued me the most. The first was the pathological explanation of the crucifixion that the shroud gives evidence too. Some of the description and understanding we currently have today actually comes from investigation into this piece of clothe that shows the wounds, the blood and the imprint of the crown of thorns. I had no idea what we believe to be true comes from this artifact so hotly debated. I stood and read about how Jesus died and began to weep. This is imagery I don't ever conjure up. My head was spinning and I became self conscience of my surroundings, and so began to hold back my tears.
The second was the actual life size photograph of the shroud itself. It hung ominously from the high ceiling at the front of the church. With the crucifix behind it and the music playing, I was emotionally moved; frozen still staring at it. I stood there gazing at it for a long time. Others in the exhibit passed me by. I kept asking myself; what is this thing? Could it really be the clothe that wrapped Jesus at his death? Why would God allow this to be found? Are not some people worshipping this artifact and not Jesus? It reminds me of the bones of Moses never being found; and for good reason. This great leader of Israel was not to be revered over the coming Messiah. His bones may have been used to cause many to stumble over a worship of him. Is not this shroud the same thing? Something that merely distracts from seeing Jesus the Messiah? I don't know what to think. It sure looks real. The evidence seems sound. If not Jesus, it certainly was a man crucified, with a spear wound in his side, and wounds on the crown of his head.
The third aspect of the exhibit that has stayed with me is the evidence that the shroud provides for the resurrection of Jesus. This is the single most important event to the believer in Jesus. As Paul says in 1 Corinthian 15:12-19
Now if Christ is proclaimed as raised from the dead, how can some of you say that there is no resurrection of the dead? 13But if there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. 14And if Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and your faith is in vain. 15We are even found to be misrepresenting God, because we testified about God that he raised Christ, whom he did not raise if it is true that the dead are not raised. 16For if the dead are not raised, not even Christ has been raised. 17And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile and you are still in your sins. 18Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished. 19If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.
My belief hinges on the resurrection. The evidence laid out before me was fascinating and again left me filled with emotions and tears welled up in my eyes. Scientific evidence shows that the body of whoever was wrapped in this cloth did not decay as most buried bodies do in their burial clothes. Evidence of radiation, intense light or heat has been found in testing. The images are composed of microscopic lengths of oxidized and dehydrated fibres that are part of the thread of the cloth. These darkened strands of cellulous fibre are called pixels because they form the Shroud image in much the same way that an image is formed on a computer screen or a half- tone printed photograph. No known artistic technique or any known natural process could have produced these microscopic pixels. What does this all suggest? The resurrection is real? I never needed any further evidence than scripture and the Holy Spirit revealing it to be true. Yet I read account after account that as men studied this piece of cloth, their doubt was removed and they believed in the resurrected Jesus Christ. This dirty old piece of clothe was bringing people to the Messiah!? I couldn't believe it.
I still can't believe it. What I've learned is to take away the mystery, the miraculous, is to make Christianity a simple humanitarian way of thinking and living. We will completely lose our spirituality if we don't believe in the God of creation who performs miracles; the God who makes something out of nothing; and because of his holiness and our sinfulness, came and died for us to bring us into relationship with him; and then rose from the dead to conquer its power and to give us eternal life. Whatever the Shroud is - fake or authentic - I believe in the resurrected Jesus and the mystery of his life in me.
Some indeed preach Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will. 16The latter do it out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. 17The former proclaim Christ out of rivalry, not sincerely but thinking to afflict me in my imprisonment. 18What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice.
Philippians 1:15-18
I went to Our Lady of Mercy Parish to view the Man of the Shroud exhibit. I had been to the website and read some of the material, and I spoke with a teacher at STMC regarding the nature of the exhibit, yet I still wasn't sure what I would encounter. I went out of curiosity; as a student of history; as a religious investigator per se; as a protestant nay sayer; and as a woman of faith dipping her foot in the pool of mystery that surrounds the world of religious artifacts.
A brief description of the shroud;
The Shroud is an old bloodstained, dirty piece of linen cloth containing life-sized front and back images of a naked man who appears to have been crucified. In a climate of superstition, naiveté and disorder (for historical reasons that I will not go into here), a lucrative market in false relics flourished in Medieval Europe. Our knowledge of this history rightly conditions us to be suspicious of any medieval relic. New evidence however has put the Shroud back into the limelight, with the possibility of its authenticity. New Evidence includes; textile analysis that shows it is from first century Israel; pollen and floral imprints which show that it was in the environs of Jerusalem; chemical analysis that shows it was in physical contact with Jerusalem's limestone caves; portraits of Jesus on coins in the Byzantine Empire which suggest that they were derived from the face of the Shroud; links to a clothe in Spain that was said to be wrapped around the same head as the Shroud; blood stains proven to be human blood; forensic analysis of the body image is consistent with the markings of flogging, in a state of rigor mortis, and shows no decomposition.
My personal experience;
I went through the whole display; reading each display board slowly; the history, the art, the pathology, the iconography of it all encircling me as a walked and read. The church was quiet with the music of monks playing softly yet seemingly surrounding me as I was not able to tell where it was coming from (bear with me... I know they must have surround sound - I'm trying to create a feeling here). There were three stops that intrigued me the most. The first was the pathological explanation of the crucifixion that the shroud gives evidence too. Some of the description and understanding we currently have today actually comes from investigation into this piece of clothe that shows the wounds, the blood and the imprint of the crown of thorns. I had no idea what we believe to be true comes from this artifact so hotly debated. I stood and read about how Jesus died and began to weep. This is imagery I don't ever conjure up. My head was spinning and I became self conscience of my surroundings, and so began to hold back my tears.
The second was the actual life size photograph of the shroud itself. It hung ominously from the high ceiling at the front of the church. With the crucifix behind it and the music playing, I was emotionally moved; frozen still staring at it. I stood there gazing at it for a long time. Others in the exhibit passed me by. I kept asking myself; what is this thing? Could it really be the clothe that wrapped Jesus at his death? Why would God allow this to be found? Are not some people worshipping this artifact and not Jesus? It reminds me of the bones of Moses never being found; and for good reason. This great leader of Israel was not to be revered over the coming Messiah. His bones may have been used to cause many to stumble over a worship of him. Is not this shroud the same thing? Something that merely distracts from seeing Jesus the Messiah? I don't know what to think. It sure looks real. The evidence seems sound. If not Jesus, it certainly was a man crucified, with a spear wound in his side, and wounds on the crown of his head.
The third aspect of the exhibit that has stayed with me is the evidence that the shroud provides for the resurrection of Jesus. This is the single most important event to the believer in Jesus. As Paul says in 1 Corinthian 15:12-19
Now if Christ is proclaimed as raised from the dead, how can some of you say that there is no resurrection of the dead? 13But if there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. 14And if Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and your faith is in vain. 15We are even found to be misrepresenting God, because we testified about God that he raised Christ, whom he did not raise if it is true that the dead are not raised. 16For if the dead are not raised, not even Christ has been raised. 17And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile and you are still in your sins. 18Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished. 19If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.
My belief hinges on the resurrection. The evidence laid out before me was fascinating and again left me filled with emotions and tears welled up in my eyes. Scientific evidence shows that the body of whoever was wrapped in this cloth did not decay as most buried bodies do in their burial clothes. Evidence of radiation, intense light or heat has been found in testing. The images are composed of microscopic lengths of oxidized and dehydrated fibres that are part of the thread of the cloth. These darkened strands of cellulous fibre are called pixels because they form the Shroud image in much the same way that an image is formed on a computer screen or a half- tone printed photograph. No known artistic technique or any known natural process could have produced these microscopic pixels. What does this all suggest? The resurrection is real? I never needed any further evidence than scripture and the Holy Spirit revealing it to be true. Yet I read account after account that as men studied this piece of cloth, their doubt was removed and they believed in the resurrected Jesus Christ. This dirty old piece of clothe was bringing people to the Messiah!? I couldn't believe it.
I still can't believe it. What I've learned is to take away the mystery, the miraculous, is to make Christianity a simple humanitarian way of thinking and living. We will completely lose our spirituality if we don't believe in the God of creation who performs miracles; the God who makes something out of nothing; and because of his holiness and our sinfulness, came and died for us to bring us into relationship with him; and then rose from the dead to conquer its power and to give us eternal life. Whatever the Shroud is - fake or authentic - I believe in the resurrected Jesus and the mystery of his life in me.
Some indeed preach Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will. 16The latter do it out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. 17The former proclaim Christ out of rivalry, not sincerely but thinking to afflict me in my imprisonment. 18What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice.
Philippians 1:15-18
27.1.10
Hope. The single most influential element in achieving happiness.
Hope. The primary force that drives human beings from hour to hour.
Ted Dekker
I have been trying to put into words what hope means to me for four days already. I just can't do it. It may be because I am currently very close to hopelessness. Or maybe I'm just tired. In an effort to get something up so that I stop obsessing about getting this up; I'm going to post the verses that make me think about the hope to which I am called that is unlike any other hope we experience as human beings.
For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, 16I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, 17that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, 18 having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 19and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might 20that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, 21 far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. 22And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, 23 which is his body, the fullness of him who fill all in all.
Ephesians 1:15-23
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:1-5
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, 5who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, 9obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
1 Peter 1:3-9
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
Romans 8:18-25
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Romans 15:13
My hope is in what is to come. That has become oddly liberating. Knowing that I won't find true satisfaction or happiness in what is here and now actually allows me to find my way back to joy. I am not disappointed by the fleeting pleasure that good sex, great wine, an incredible hike, bike ride or walk give to me. I am happy that I know they are just a foretaste, an appetizer, of the future pleasures of my life to come in the presence of Jesus. I will admit, that I often look upon the verses above and can not find the joy in that hope. I read Peter telling me to rejoice because for a little while, 'if necessary', I am grieved by trials. If necessary, really is it? When in the midst of hardship and pain, both physical and mental, a little while seems too long and we wonder if there is any necessity in it at all. Then I read Paul talking about a progression, at literal step by step transformation that not only produces hope but makes us more like Christ. And that step by step begins with - you guessed it - suffering. This hope - a hope for eternal life with Christ - is a result of righteousness by faith. Let's say that more plainly; my hope in heaven is given to me as a gift, a good deposit (2 Tim. 1:14), that will carry me to eternity.
It is hope that is keeping me from discouragement. It is hope that is showing me that change is possible and it is real. It is hope that infusing the restoration of relationship in my life. It is hope that is infusing the plans God is giving me to teach the Word again this coming spring. Hope that our physical bodies and our spirits will one day be raised and not lost (John 6) when we are made new at the resurrection.
There are heavenly bodies and earthly bodies, but the glory of the heavenly is of one kind, and the glory of the earthly is of another. 41There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars; for star differs from star in glory.
Well, I think I got it all out... finally.
Hope. The primary force that drives human beings from hour to hour.
Ted Dekker
I have been trying to put into words what hope means to me for four days already. I just can't do it. It may be because I am currently very close to hopelessness. Or maybe I'm just tired. In an effort to get something up so that I stop obsessing about getting this up; I'm going to post the verses that make me think about the hope to which I am called that is unlike any other hope we experience as human beings.
For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, 16I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, 17that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, 18 having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 19and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might 20that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, 21 far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. 22And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, 23 which is his body, the fullness of him who fill all in all.
Ephesians 1:15-23
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:1-5
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, 5who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, 9obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
1 Peter 1:3-9
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
Romans 8:18-25
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Romans 15:13
My hope is in what is to come. That has become oddly liberating. Knowing that I won't find true satisfaction or happiness in what is here and now actually allows me to find my way back to joy. I am not disappointed by the fleeting pleasure that good sex, great wine, an incredible hike, bike ride or walk give to me. I am happy that I know they are just a foretaste, an appetizer, of the future pleasures of my life to come in the presence of Jesus. I will admit, that I often look upon the verses above and can not find the joy in that hope. I read Peter telling me to rejoice because for a little while, 'if necessary', I am grieved by trials. If necessary, really is it? When in the midst of hardship and pain, both physical and mental, a little while seems too long and we wonder if there is any necessity in it at all. Then I read Paul talking about a progression, at literal step by step transformation that not only produces hope but makes us more like Christ. And that step by step begins with - you guessed it - suffering. This hope - a hope for eternal life with Christ - is a result of righteousness by faith. Let's say that more plainly; my hope in heaven is given to me as a gift, a good deposit (2 Tim. 1:14), that will carry me to eternity.
It is hope that is keeping me from discouragement. It is hope that is showing me that change is possible and it is real. It is hope that infusing the restoration of relationship in my life. It is hope that is infusing the plans God is giving me to teach the Word again this coming spring. Hope that our physical bodies and our spirits will one day be raised and not lost (John 6) when we are made new at the resurrection.
There are heavenly bodies and earthly bodies, but the glory of the heavenly is of one kind, and the glory of the earthly is of another. 41There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars; for star differs from star in glory.
42 So is it with the resurrection of the dead. What is sown is perishable; what is raised is imperishable. 43It is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness; it is raised in power. 44It is sown a natural body; it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. 45Thus it is written, "The first man Adam became a living being"; the last Adam became a life-giving spirit. 46But it is not the spiritual that is first but the natural, and then the spiritual. 47 The first man was from the earth, a man of dust; the second man is from heaven. 48As was the man of dust, so also are those who are of the dust, and as is the man of heaven, so also are those who are of heaven. 49Just as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we shall also bear the image of the man of heaven.
1 Corinthians 15:40-49
Well, I think I got it all out... finally.
20.1.10
So, I painted my daughters bedroom; and despite the knowledge that it is futile meaningless work and just paint on a wall - I feel satisfied and ready to paint some more.
Alone in the house with my paint, I listened to an entire series on "Joy" by my friend R.C. Sproul. Yes, I said he is my friend. I imagine that one day he will be, as we sit in eternity discussing such things as the fruit of the spirit and philosophy. I have many of those kinds of friends; that only eternity will reveal. It is part of my hope of heaven; knowing that I have friends yet to meet and enjoy once this life roles into the next.
I have a bathroom and master bedroom to paint now. I can't lose the momentum. I'll listen to some Ravi or Piper or MacArthur or maybe go back to Sproul. Hopefully I'll be smarter, wiser, and closer to Jesus as well as have a couple of nicer looking rooms.
Alone in the house with my paint, I listened to an entire series on "Joy" by my friend R.C. Sproul. Yes, I said he is my friend. I imagine that one day he will be, as we sit in eternity discussing such things as the fruit of the spirit and philosophy. I have many of those kinds of friends; that only eternity will reveal. It is part of my hope of heaven; knowing that I have friends yet to meet and enjoy once this life roles into the next.
I have a bathroom and master bedroom to paint now. I can't lose the momentum. I'll listen to some Ravi or Piper or MacArthur or maybe go back to Sproul. Hopefully I'll be smarter, wiser, and closer to Jesus as well as have a couple of nicer looking rooms.
8.1.10
December rolled around and I had been working a fair bit, being on call was seemingly not so bad; I had actually made some money. As the last week of school came around, and I still hadn't been called in, I realized that there wasn't going to be a paycheck that month. I was somewhat numb; but it was Christmas and I had decided to get into the spirit. I set-up every last decoration that I had stored away and I even spent a day making cookies. I finished all my shopping early and made sure to go to some key enjoyable Christmas events to soak up the joy of this time of year. Advent went pretty well; our focus this year was on the gifts the wise men brought and their significance. It was a great learning time to see how Jesus was sent as a baby for the soul purpose of dying for us. We changed things up this year and upset the apple cart some what. Our extended family celebration was moved from Christmas Eve to the 27th. Mom and Dad were not overly enthused and the kids were apprehensive about it too; but in the end, it all was actually better than anyone expected.
Behind all this great stuff, I was still covering the deep anxiety and numbness within me. I have no job. This thought, this fact, continues to rattle around in my brain. I loath the days. I wait for the phone call and none comes. I have not worked since November 18, 2009. I am asking to be hired and seeking employment from people that continue to tell me that they have nothing for me. I'm knocking on an immovable door. I am now going to continue to do that at each school district in my area. It is becoming demoralizing and I find myself unable at times to accomplish anything at all within a day.
I go for walks often and for long periods of time. I spend time looking at Facebook pages, I read and I read and I read. Scripture seems to pierce me with truth; but my lethargic heart does not do anything with it. I listen to sermon after sermon on podcast trying to fill my mind with wisdom and knowledge. I sit and watch television with a glass of wine as many nights will allow. I know better, yet I am behaving badly for lack of direction. I do not know what to do. I am restless and fidgety within. I am trying to find mundane things to do like paint my bathroom because the passion for what I want to do - teach - is not given any venue to express itself.
Frustration has set in. I will paint my bathroom, my bedroom and my daughters room because I have nothing better to do. There is nothing wrong with painting; it will actually make my daughter happy and I think my husband will think I am accomplishing something. I will continue to make dinner, do laundry, and clean up around the house. I will sort out my office, the tax papers, clean out my closet, and start to touch up the paint in the rest of the house. These things used to give me a sense of satisfaction but I can't seem to find any use for them. They are temporal futile uses of my time that will not last or have any meaning. It's just paint, clean clothes, food, and busy work. When this is all there is, I feel as if they don't matter.
My kids do matter. I am still doing all that mothering requires; driving to and from, maintaining their schedules, discipline at every turn, the occasional heart to heart, and all of the stuff in between that has more meaning than I know. This is a good thing; this is not temporal stuff. The lives that are developing in my home are worth more than the paint on my walls. Yet, I am learning that I am not a good mother. I have made huge mistakes and most of the bad patterns that my kids have in reaction to me are my own fault. At this time in my life I am watching in amazement at my husband and his ability to deal with all of their attacks. Let me tell you, the kids in this house are on the revolt. I am not letting them negotiate; I am taking them at their word and expecting them to take mine. It has turned everyone upside down. The line is drawn and they keep expecting me to erase it. They've never had so many natural consequences. Although I know this is good for them and for me, it is exhausting and I often can hardly stand it. I have been known, as of late, to lock myself in my room until my husband gets home because I do not have the strength to stand firm on one more thing. Boy, it would be so much easier to have just ignored them until they grew up and left the house. That is what so many of us do. I know I've been guilty of it. I'm not cut out for this mothering job; but God gave me these kids, I wanted these kids, and I will be forever changed because of it.
Finishing my certification was supposed to be my ticket to security. Just as I typed that out, I realize that my security was never going to be found there. I am secure in Christ. I took my family on that journey last year - kicking and screaming. I just wanted there to be a reward, a confirmation that I had heard God tell me to go. I knew it all the way through, but it is fleeting now. My husband had even begun to believe that it was his ticket to a new future; a chance for him to start fresh. We are in this holding pattern. Unable to see what is ahead or even what way we should go. God is silent. Ideas, plans, entire curriculum's come into my mind; I pray about them, I muse over them, I plan them out, I dream about them - and God says 'ask your husband what he thinks.' What he thinks is never what I want it to be. I'm sure that goes both ways.
I had been looking for an escape. I wanted to go on a mission trip to Mexico, but God was not calling me to go and my husband didn't think so either. I could have easily ignored God if He had not told me to ask my husband. Now, I am looking for something to do. This is clouding my ability to discern whether I'm just bored and trying to give my brain something to focus on, or if God wants me to start something.
Jesus said; "My Father is working until now, and I am working." John 5:17 Good to know; better to believe it; and peace is found in trusting it.
So, here I am. Knowing, believing, and trusting. My mind whirling from all that it is thinking - and not doing - and my bank account starving from lack of deposits. It's a good thing I'm going to Seattle for the weekend. I think I'll leave my life at home.
Behind all this great stuff, I was still covering the deep anxiety and numbness within me. I have no job. This thought, this fact, continues to rattle around in my brain. I loath the days. I wait for the phone call and none comes. I have not worked since November 18, 2009. I am asking to be hired and seeking employment from people that continue to tell me that they have nothing for me. I'm knocking on an immovable door. I am now going to continue to do that at each school district in my area. It is becoming demoralizing and I find myself unable at times to accomplish anything at all within a day.
I go for walks often and for long periods of time. I spend time looking at Facebook pages, I read and I read and I read. Scripture seems to pierce me with truth; but my lethargic heart does not do anything with it. I listen to sermon after sermon on podcast trying to fill my mind with wisdom and knowledge. I sit and watch television with a glass of wine as many nights will allow. I know better, yet I am behaving badly for lack of direction. I do not know what to do. I am restless and fidgety within. I am trying to find mundane things to do like paint my bathroom because the passion for what I want to do - teach - is not given any venue to express itself.
Frustration has set in. I will paint my bathroom, my bedroom and my daughters room because I have nothing better to do. There is nothing wrong with painting; it will actually make my daughter happy and I think my husband will think I am accomplishing something. I will continue to make dinner, do laundry, and clean up around the house. I will sort out my office, the tax papers, clean out my closet, and start to touch up the paint in the rest of the house. These things used to give me a sense of satisfaction but I can't seem to find any use for them. They are temporal futile uses of my time that will not last or have any meaning. It's just paint, clean clothes, food, and busy work. When this is all there is, I feel as if they don't matter.
My kids do matter. I am still doing all that mothering requires; driving to and from, maintaining their schedules, discipline at every turn, the occasional heart to heart, and all of the stuff in between that has more meaning than I know. This is a good thing; this is not temporal stuff. The lives that are developing in my home are worth more than the paint on my walls. Yet, I am learning that I am not a good mother. I have made huge mistakes and most of the bad patterns that my kids have in reaction to me are my own fault. At this time in my life I am watching in amazement at my husband and his ability to deal with all of their attacks. Let me tell you, the kids in this house are on the revolt. I am not letting them negotiate; I am taking them at their word and expecting them to take mine. It has turned everyone upside down. The line is drawn and they keep expecting me to erase it. They've never had so many natural consequences. Although I know this is good for them and for me, it is exhausting and I often can hardly stand it. I have been known, as of late, to lock myself in my room until my husband gets home because I do not have the strength to stand firm on one more thing. Boy, it would be so much easier to have just ignored them until they grew up and left the house. That is what so many of us do. I know I've been guilty of it. I'm not cut out for this mothering job; but God gave me these kids, I wanted these kids, and I will be forever changed because of it.
Finishing my certification was supposed to be my ticket to security. Just as I typed that out, I realize that my security was never going to be found there. I am secure in Christ. I took my family on that journey last year - kicking and screaming. I just wanted there to be a reward, a confirmation that I had heard God tell me to go. I knew it all the way through, but it is fleeting now. My husband had even begun to believe that it was his ticket to a new future; a chance for him to start fresh. We are in this holding pattern. Unable to see what is ahead or even what way we should go. God is silent. Ideas, plans, entire curriculum's come into my mind; I pray about them, I muse over them, I plan them out, I dream about them - and God says 'ask your husband what he thinks.' What he thinks is never what I want it to be. I'm sure that goes both ways.
I had been looking for an escape. I wanted to go on a mission trip to Mexico, but God was not calling me to go and my husband didn't think so either. I could have easily ignored God if He had not told me to ask my husband. Now, I am looking for something to do. This is clouding my ability to discern whether I'm just bored and trying to give my brain something to focus on, or if God wants me to start something.
Jesus said; "My Father is working until now, and I am working." John 5:17 Good to know; better to believe it; and peace is found in trusting it.
So, here I am. Knowing, believing, and trusting. My mind whirling from all that it is thinking - and not doing - and my bank account starving from lack of deposits. It's a good thing I'm going to Seattle for the weekend. I think I'll leave my life at home.
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