My Truth - 2012

This is old, but I thought that it was sitting in the drafts because it was something I didn't want to share. Looking at it now, two years later, I think it should be shared. Some things have changed; I found a job and God blessed me with a great work environment and wonderful students. But much has stayed the same. So...

Here's the truth.

My life is a mess. It really always has been. I've never really gotten it together. I'm a mass of potential and a conglomerate of talent that hasn't focused or maintained a single direction in this life. I have an excellent background at first glance; solid family and Christian values. Like every other family out there, we have our dark corners, our dysfunction, and our secrets. I have a great education and can boast of doing well at all levels. My history in sport is filled with success and blundering errors due to a lack of effort and the wrong personality for the current coach. My marriage started on shaky ground and even in the hubris of my youth, I knew that it would take a miracle of God to keep what we had begun from completely not working. Even with the help of faith, my marriage is still not victorious or even good. I have three children who are individuals and pursuing their own place in life and it seems as a co-parent all I can pray for is that they rise above the mess from which they come. So far, it seems that they may very well do so and their story is only just beginning. I often wonder if I ever should have procreated. I am currently invisible in the job market. My education, skills, experience, and personality is not fitting the current market at all. I can't seem to find my way into the very place I thought I belonged. I really wish I could have just stayed at home and been satisfied with what I had. Satisfaction is not my strong suit and it makes it difficult to be in my presence; just ask my husband. He's found a new job and seems to be currently looking for a new life. The one he has with me is exhausting and lacks the peace he seeks. He was once a hard working man and I guess he could use some rest. I can't speak his truth; even though I have in the past and destroyed what little trust and intimacy existed between us. I am apart of a church that lacks passion and loses leaders like leaves falling off a tree in Autumn. The thing is, I love these people; and not just the ones I know personally, I love the whole church. We are far from pure as the driven snow and some would seek to weed out those that hold back our blessing from God. Then throw me out. I've blown it so many times and in so many ways. Since joining that church I've been drunk; I've lied; I've been a gossiper and cheated; I've withheld money I should have given; I've stolen; I've been divisive and petty; I've been a leader and not had my house or life in order; I am arrogant in my goodness; I've neglected my duty as a wife and mother; I've been disrespectful; I've harboured anger toward our members and leaders; and I've brought shame to the Gospel of God to those who know I believe.

This past Sunday our pastor preached a sermon that focused on the hope we have to share with the world. He made much of what God has done for us.

I have little hope that things in my life will get any better. I doubt that I will experience any lasting victory or benefit from the faith that I have in this lifetime. I do not believe because I think that God will bless me with money and healthy relationships. If that was where my faith lay I would have walked away from Jesus years ago. I have no money, and I have horrible relationships. But I do know that I will not abandon my faith. The Spirit testifies within me that this is not the end. This life is just that, this life; my true life will begin once I am resurrected and with my saviour for all eternity. I trust that I will be with Jesus because he said that I should repent and believe in him and I did that; and I do that every time I mess it up again. I have assurance in my salvation; not because my life reflects how righteous I am but because righteousness has been cloaked around me by the power of the blood. Where is the fruit of my salvation that some may look for and not find? Where is the maturity of faith that shows itself in righteous living and good works? Of what can I boast that I have done for Jesus and not for myself? I am deeply grieved when I don't let Christ be evident because of a sinful nature that battles for control and I let rule too often. I know that he is my Lord; but does any one else?

The Gospel is not my personal testimony. The gospel is the good news that God sent his son Jesus to intercede for your sin because you can not be in the presence of a his holiness. He chose a people to be his own out of every tribe, tongue, and nation. God began his quest for a people to call his own with the Jewish nation. He chose them not because they were so great but because they weren't. Even within this Jewish nation, only a remnant will remain in the final number called to be with the LORD in eternity. It is the gift of God that anyone is saved and not because of anything you have done. And that gift cost God big time. Jesus had to die. He had to live as a man - and be God at the same time. I don't think anyone fully understands the gravity of that. Your salvation is free because Jesus paid for it.

The cross means so much to me because the truth is... I don't think there is anyone who would even bother to save me if they really knew who I was. Does anyone get that they are sinful anymore? Does anyone see how desperately they need this good news? I'm sure you are thinking I'm a pretty depressed person after reading all I've said. But I'm actually not. I smile often, laugh loud, enjoy friends, work hard, plan vacations, take my kids on hikes, read good books, encourage others to learn from their mistakes, love to have sex, enjoy a good meal, have company for dinner, clean up my house, exercise, go camping, teach, and keep on learning from all the mess that is around me - including the mess I've created.