I actually wrote this back in March and never posted it. Very timely.

I was driving today. It gave me a chance to think. I listened to some apologetics and some great music. I listened for a moment to my own thoughts and maybe even allowed the very thoughts of God to invade my own harried thinking. Solitude is rare in my life and must be embraced when available.

I have had a couple of weeks of thinking about the ramifications of truly believing a lie. A lie. That makes it sound like an impossible thing for anyone to do. How could someone believe a lie? Wouldn't there be a point in time when you would realize that you'd been duped? The problem is, most of us at some point in time believe a lie that we ourselves have told our own minds. Circumstances and events lead us to believe things that aren't true. We don't talk about them and continue to make our own assumptions and conclusions which seem to have a logical linear route. We only ask ourselves - Why would I be wrong about this? - when confronted with evidence that doesn't seem to line up with the conclusions we've already made. Oh, but that doesn't stop us; we are so much smarter than that. Our skillful depraved hearts just find a way to connect the dots in just the right direction to continue to keep the lie alive. It's more comfortable to believe what we've already believed for so long.

Yeah, I know how to explain it because I've been there. Don't be so surprised. You have too. It's harder to accept it in someone else though. People believing a lie tend to hurt those around them with their insistence on its truth and the blaming that ensues. I think one way to know that you are believing a lie is that most of what you believe about what is going on is that its not your fault; everyone else is to blame for what is happening and for the circumstances that you are in. It can be very subtle. I'm not saying that it's never someone else's fault; often blame really does belong to someone else. Any time someone is made powerless by the acts and words of someone else, abuse is reigning. There in lies another subtlety. Once the victim no longer allows themselves to be victimized, the abuse will stop. However that looks - a complete end to the relationship or healing - the victim actually has some power to do something about it; but blame has to be diminished, understood, and then refocused. Let me explain... The victim will not do anything about their powerlessness if they continue in blame because they are stuck. It begins with the victim blaming themselves irrationally and placing no blame on the abuser. As the victim realizes that they have some power, blame shifts to the abuser for the abuse. This is when the victim now sees that little piece of power they have to change their situation. If they stay in the blame state (it's my fault/it's their fault) they will stay put; stuck because blame leaves no room for action. I suppose that is a very simplistic explanation, but I think it holds some water.

You can't change anything if it's all someone else's fault and you can't do anything if it's all your fault. Blame is big part of believing a lie; no matter how you slice it.

This all got me to thinking about the past and its affect on today. Is there any sense in saying that something shouldn't have happened; that a decision was wrong? Sure. I can see that when something turned out wrong, or bad, or hurt those around you there needs to be responsibility taken for that. It's hard to move forward if the truth is not faced; if forgiveness is not sought and reconciliation has no place. It is said these days that you do the best you can at the time with what you know; you can not blame yourself for the mistakes you made since you didn't know any better. Is that really true? This is relativism at its best. Could not a murderer, one who steals, or an adulterer just claim ignorance and then all would be OK? Where would be justice and how do the wrongs get made right? This is a lie cloaked in nice sounding words and even those who believe in the sovereignty of God can get caught in thinking this way. Is it not true that an all omnipotent omniscient God takes all that is done in your life and brings forth what he had planned all along? Since I believe that God is totally in control, I can not take responsibility for my past wrongs since now they have been made right. Whoa. Something smells funny.

I guess as I thought about believing a lie, this idea of not dwelling on the past and moving forward - recognizing that you've learned from your past, so you must do better; and what to do with blame when wronged and when you've done wrong - needs to be given clarification and explanation that actually makes sense. I don't think I'm there yet; I'm still not able to put into words what it is that needs to be explained. But I think that God is working in my heart and soul on this as my life unfolds in this in-between place that I find myself in. this chapter is not closed and the past that is affecting my future is still percolating as my future has yet to begin the next phase.

Yeah, I know... it's complicated.

This passage helps me;

2 Corinthians 5:11-6:10
Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade others. But what we are is known to God, and I hope it is known also to your conscience. We are not commending ourselves to you again but giving you cause to boast about us, so that you may be able to answer those who boast about outward appearance and not about what is in the heart. For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.

From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Working together with him, then, we appeal to you not to receive the grace of God in vain. For he says,

"In a favourable time I listened to you,
and in a day of salvation I have helped you."

Behold, now is the favorable time; behold, now is the day of salvation. We put no obstacle in anyone’s way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.

I was alone the other day at a Starbucks. As I sat there reading and writing - I'm currently writing down all the great things said in a book about anger - it struck me, no one knows where I am. I had been at a wedding that afternoon and was going to head home in between the ceremony and the reception but I decided not to drive all the way back from Vancouver. So I found a local SB and got the cheapest coffee they have and a sandwich. I had thought far enough in advance to bring my books and Bible so I would have something to do.

I must have been there for forty five minutes before I realized that no one knew where I was. The husband was still at work, the kids were at home thinking I was at a wedding. I wouldn't be meeting the husband until the reception two hours from now. I stopped writing and looked out the window, my pen frozen in my hand; no one knows where you are. I should turn off my cell phone, I thought; but I didn't (I did turn the ringer off). Putting the pen down I focused on the activity outside. The Starbucks was right by a bus stop across the street from the Broadway Skytrain Station. People were coming and going; across the street it appeared that deals were being made as I saw people exchange secret items from hand to hand. The 'patio' outside was only occupied by a lone regal native man (I noticed his earrings and necklace that looked handcrafted) and a couple of other dark ethnic men chatting loudly in the corner. Inside the tables created their own little places of intimacy as groups surrounded them; a couple at one table huddled around a laptop; a group of students discussing and sharing their papers at another; old friends in the corner; and the big comfy chairs occupied by a loud group of men who came and went like it was their office; and me, all dressed up with my book bag and fancy purse. It was a busy spot, lots of people coming in and leaving with their order. How had I missed all the activity when I first came in?

Why was being alone - and no one knowing where I was - so... well, great!? It really was great. The moment wasn't lost on me either; I felt it and its intensity was surprising. For seventeen years I have been a mother. I don't think that since I had my first child that I have been somewhere and not made sure that everyone knew where I was or that I had my kids with me. I was even tempted to call home and let the kids know where I was and that I would be going to the wedding reception at five. I stopped myself from doing it. No one needs to know where you are; you have a cell phone and you are not in danger.

Being truly alone is a gift. It's not about being lonely. I'm not lonely. No one was there to interrupt my thoughts, what I might want to do next was my decision, I could invite someone into my space or I could sit alone. Even in the busy spot I could hear what the Spirit may be saying to me. I could contemplate what Jesus wanted me to get from the book I was looking at, what Jesus was wanting me to do in the coming months ahead. I could watch the people and observe, not judging or missing any of it because of someone else's presence. I went back to my book briefly and then found myself merely staring at the page not really reading or writing anything; looking up out the window and slowly drinking my coffee. There was peace in that busy place because I was alone and no one knew where I was.

I have to do that again.

The most important things about me are not my successes but my failures. If you knew nothing of who I was except for where I had fallen down and had to get back up, you would know the most about my life, my character, and my relationship with my saviour Jesus Christ.

Problem is that doesn't work on a resume.

More to come later...

I did something very liturgical today. It is Lenten season and I haven't done much to think through and prepare myself for the Passion week ahead. See, I told you it was something liturgical in nature. Actually, maybe it's better to say that I did something Catholic. Why do I associate anything ritual with Catholicism? Does the reformed faith really have no ritual aspect to it? I think it is in my evangelical roots to see ritual as bad and that it gets in the way of relationship with Jesus. However, my life without the rituals would be without discipline in reading the Word and in prayer. hmmm ... Anyway...

I went to Our Lady of Mercy Parish to view the Man of the Shroud exhibit. I had been to the website and read some of the material, and I spoke with a teacher at STMC regarding the nature of the exhibit, yet I still wasn't sure what I would encounter. I went out of curiosity; as a student of history; as a religious investigator per se; as a protestant nay sayer; and as a woman of faith dipping her foot in the pool of mystery that surrounds the world of religious artifacts.

A brief description of the shroud;
The Shroud is an old bloodstained, dirty piece of linen cloth containing life-sized front and back images of a naked man who appears to have been crucified. In a climate of superstition, naiveté and disorder (for historical reasons that I will not go into here), a lucrative market in false relics flourished in Medieval Europe. Our knowledge of this history rightly conditions us to be suspicious of any medieval relic. New evidence however has put the Shroud back into the limelight, with the possibility of its authenticity. New Evidence includes; textile analysis that shows it is from first century Israel; pollen and floral imprints which show that it was in the environs of Jerusalem; chemical analysis that shows it was in physical contact with Jerusalem's limestone caves; portraits of Jesus on coins in the Byzantine Empire which suggest that they were derived from the face of the Shroud; links to a clothe in Spain that was said to be wrapped around the same head as the Shroud; blood stains proven to be human blood; forensic analysis of the body image is consistent with the markings of flogging, in a state of rigor mortis, and shows no decomposition.

My personal experience;
I went through the whole display; reading each display board slowly; the history, the art, the pathology, the iconography of it all encircling me as a walked and read. The church was quiet with the music of monks playing softly yet seemingly surrounding me as I was not able to tell where it was coming from (bear with me... I know they must have surround sound - I'm trying to create a feeling here). There were three stops that intrigued me the most. The first was the pathological explanation of the crucifixion that the shroud gives evidence too. Some of the description and understanding we currently have today actually comes from investigation into this piece of clothe that shows the wounds, the blood and the imprint of the crown of thorns. I had no idea what we believe to be true comes from this artifact so hotly debated. I stood and read about how Jesus died and began to weep. This is imagery I don't ever conjure up. My head was spinning and I became self conscience of my surroundings, and so began to hold back my tears.

The second was the actual life size photograph of the shroud itself. It hung ominously from the high ceiling at the front of the church. With the crucifix behind it and the music playing, I was emotionally moved; frozen still staring at it. I stood there gazing at it for a long time. Others in the exhibit passed me by. I kept asking myself; what is this thing? Could it really be the clothe that wrapped Jesus at his death? Why would God allow this to be found? Are not some people worshipping this artifact and not Jesus? It reminds me of the bones of Moses never being found; and for good reason. This great leader of Israel was not to be revered over the coming Messiah. His bones may have been used to cause many to stumble over a worship of him. Is not this shroud the same thing? Something that merely distracts from seeing Jesus the Messiah? I don't know what to think. It sure looks real. The evidence seems sound. If not Jesus, it certainly was a man crucified, with a spear wound in his side, and wounds on the crown of his head.

The third aspect of the exhibit that has stayed with me is the evidence that the shroud provides for the resurrection of Jesus. This is the single most important event to the believer in Jesus. As Paul says in 1 Corinthian 15:12-19
Now if Christ is proclaimed as raised from the dead, how can some of you say that there is no resurrection of the dead? ¹³But if there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. ¹⁴And if Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and your faith is in vain. ¹⁵We are even found to be misrepresenting God, because we testified about God that he raised Christ, whom he did not raise if it is true that the dead are not raised. ¹⁶For if the dead are not raised, not even Christ has been raised. ¹⁷And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile and you are still in your sins. ¹⁸Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished. ¹⁹If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.

My belief hinges on the resurrection. The evidence laid out before me was fascinating and again left me filled with emotions and tears welled up in my eyes. Scientific evidence shows that the body of whoever was wrapped in this cloth did not decay as most buried bodies do in their burial clothes. Evidence of radiation, intense light or heat has been found in testing. The images are composed of microscopic lengths of oxidized and dehydrated fibres that are part of the thread of the cloth. These darkened strands of cellulous fibre are called pixels because they form the Shroud image in much the same way that an image is formed on a computer screen or a half- tone printed photograph. No known artistic technique or any known natural process could have produced these microscopic pixels. What does this all suggest? The resurrection is real? I never needed any further evidence than scripture and the Holy Spirit revealing it to be true. Yet I read account after account that as men studied this piece of cloth, their doubt was removed and they believed in the resurrected Jesus Christ. This dirty old piece of clothe was bringing people to the Messiah!? I couldn't believe it.

I still can't believe it. What I've learned is to take away the mystery, the miraculous, is to make Christianity a simple humanitarian way of thinking and living. We will completely lose our spirituality if we don't believe in the God of creation who performs miracles; the God who makes something out of nothing; and because of his holiness and our sinfulness, came and died for us to bring us into relationship with him; and then rose from the dead to conquer its power and to give us eternal life. Whatever the Shroud is - fake or authentic - I believe in the resurrected Jesus and the mystery of his life in me.

Some indeed preach Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will. ¹⁶The latter do it out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. ¹⁷The former proclaim Christ out of rivalry, not sincerely but thinking to afflict me in my imprisonment. ¹⁸What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice.
Philippians 1:15-18

Hope. The single most influential element in achieving happiness.
Hope. The primary force that drives human beings from hour to hour.
Ted Dekker

I have been trying to put into words what hope means to me for four days already. I just can't do it. It may be because I am currently very close to hopelessness. Or maybe I'm just tired. In an effort to get something up so that I stop obsessing about getting this up; I'm going to post the verses that make me think about the hope to which I am called that is unlike any other hope we experience as human beings.

For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, ¹⁶I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, ¹⁷that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, ¹⁸ having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, ¹⁹and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might ²⁰that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, ²¹ far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. ²²And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, ²³ which is his body, the fullness of him who fill all in all.
Ephesians 1:15-23

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. ²Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. ³More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:1-5

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, ⁵who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, ⁷so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, ⁹obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
1 Peter 1:3-9

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. ¹⁹For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. ²⁰For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope ²¹that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. ²²For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. ²³And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. ²⁴For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? ²⁵But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
Romans 8:18-25

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Romans 15:13

My hope is in what is to come. That has become oddly liberating. Knowing that I won't find true satisfaction or happiness in what is here and now actually allows me to find my way back to joy. I am not disappointed by the fleeting pleasure that good sex, great wine, an incredible hike, bike ride or walk give to me. I am happy that I know they are just a foretaste, an appetizer, of the future pleasures of my life to come in the presence of Jesus. I will admit, that I often look upon the verses above and can not find the joy in that hope. I read Peter telling me to rejoice because for a little while, 'if necessary', I am grieved by trials. If necessary, really is it? When in the midst of hardship and pain, both physical and mental, a little while seems too long and we wonder if there is any necessity in it at all. Then I read Paul talking about a progression, at literal step by step transformation that not only produces hope but makes us more like Christ. And that step by step begins with - you guessed it - suffering. This hope - a hope for eternal life with Christ - is a result of righteousness by faith. Let's say that more plainly; my hope in heaven is given to me as a gift, a good deposit (2 Tim. 1:14), that will carry me to eternity.

It is hope that is keeping me from discouragement. It is hope that is showing me that change is possible and it is real. It is hope that infusing the restoration of relationship in my life. It is hope that is infusing the plans God is giving me to teach the Word again this coming spring. Hope that our physical bodies and our spirits will one day be raised and not lost (John 6) when we are made new at the resurrection.

There are heavenly bodies and earthly bodies, but the glory of the heavenly is of one kind, and the glory of the earthly is of another. ⁴¹There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars; for star differs from star in glory.

⁴² So is it with the resurrection of the dead. What is sown is perishable; what is raised is imperishable. ⁴³It is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness; it is raised in power. ⁴⁴It is sown a natural body; it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. ⁴⁵Thus it is written, "The first man Adam became a living being"; the last Adam became a life-giving spirit. ⁴⁶But it is not the spiritual that is first but the natural, and then the spiritual. ⁴⁷ The first man was from the earth, a man of dust; the second man is from heaven. ⁴⁸As was the man of dust, so also are those who are of the dust, and as is the man of heaven, so also are those who are of heaven. ⁴⁹Just as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we shall also bear the image of the man of heaven.

1 Corinthians 15:40-49

Such a great hope I have! I am thankful that my eyes have been opened by the Father himself, to see that which makes little sense to those that still lack the Holy Spirit's mighty power (1 Corinthians 2:14). I pray that all will see and find this hope.

Well, I think I got it all out... finally.

So, I painted my daughters bedroom; and despite the knowledge that it is futile meaningless work and just paint on a wall - I feel satisfied and ready to paint some more.

Alone in the house with my paint, I listened to an entire series on "Joy" by my friend R.C. Sproul. Yes, I said he is my friend. I imagine that one day he will be, as we sit in eternity discussing such things as the fruit of the spirit and philosophy. I have many of those kinds of friends; that only eternity will reveal. It is part of my hope of heaven; knowing that I have friends yet to meet and enjoy once this life roles into the next.

I have a bathroom and master bedroom to paint now. I can't lose the momentum. I'll listen to some Ravi or Piper or MacArthur or maybe go back to Sproul. Hopefully I'll be smarter, wiser, and closer to Jesus as well as have a couple of nicer looking rooms.

December rolled around and I had been working a fair bit, being on call was seemingly not so bad; I had actually made some money. As the last week of school came around, and I still hadn't been called in, I realized that there wasn't going to be a paycheck that month. I was somewhat numb; but it was Christmas and I had decided to get into the spirit. I set-up every last decoration that I had stored away and I even spent a day making cookies. I finished all my shopping early and made sure to go to some key enjoyable Christmas events to soak up the joy of this time of year. Advent went pretty well; our focus this year was on the gifts the wise men brought and their significance. It was a great learning time to see how Jesus was sent as a baby for the soul purpose of dying for us. We changed things up this year and upset the apple cart some what. Our extended family celebration was moved from Christmas Eve to the 27th. Mom and Dad were not overly enthused and the kids were apprehensive about it too; but in the end, it all was actually better than anyone expected.

Behind all this great stuff, I was still covering the deep anxiety and numbness within me. I have no job. This thought, this fact, continues to rattle around in my brain. I loath the days. I wait for the phone call and none comes. I have not worked since November 18, 2009. I am asking to be hired and seeking employment from people that continue to tell me that they have nothing for me. I'm knocking on an immovable door. I am now going to continue to do that at each school district in my area. It is becoming demoralizing and I find myself unable at times to accomplish anything at all within a day.

I go for walks often and for long periods of time. I spend time looking at Facebook pages, I read and I read and I read. Scripture seems to pierce me with truth; but my lethargic heart does not do anything with it. I listen to sermon after sermon on podcast trying to fill my mind with wisdom and knowledge. I sit and watch television with a glass of wine as many nights will allow. I know better, yet I am behaving badly for lack of direction. I do not know what to do. I am restless and fidgety within. I am trying to find mundane things to do like paint my bathroom because the passion for what I want to do - teach - is not given any venue to express itself.

Frustration has set in. I will paint my bathroom, my bedroom and my daughters room because I have nothing better to do. There is nothing wrong with painting; it will actually make my daughter happy and I think my husband will think I am accomplishing something. I will continue to make dinner, do laundry, and clean up around the house. I will sort out my office, the tax papers, clean out my closet, and start to touch up the paint in the rest of the house. These things used to give me a sense of satisfaction but I can't seem to find any use for them. They are temporal futile uses of my time that will not last or have any meaning. It's just paint, clean clothes, food, and busy work. When this is all there is, I feel as if they don't matter.

My kids do matter. I am still doing all that mothering requires; driving to and from, maintaining their schedules, discipline at every turn, the occasional heart to heart, and all of the stuff in between that has more meaning than I know. This is a good thing; this is not temporal stuff. The lives that are developing in my home are worth more than the paint on my walls. Yet, I am learning that I am not a good mother. I have made huge mistakes and most of the bad patterns that my kids have in reaction to me are my own fault. At this time in my life I am watching in amazement at my husband and his ability to deal with all of their attacks. Let me tell you, the kids in this house are on the revolt. I am not letting them negotiate; I am taking them at their word and expecting them to take mine. It has turned everyone upside down. The line is drawn and they keep expecting me to erase it. They've never had so many natural consequences. Although I know this is good for them and for me, it is exhausting and I often can hardly stand it. I have been known, as of late, to lock myself in my room until my husband gets home because I do not have the strength to stand firm on one more thing. Boy, it would be so much easier to have just ignored them until they grew up and left the house. That is what so many of us do. I know I've been guilty of it. I'm not cut out for this mothering job; but God gave me these kids, I wanted these kids, and I will be forever changed because of it.

Finishing my certification was supposed to be my ticket to security. Just as I typed that out, I realize that my security was never going to be found there. I am secure in Christ. I took my family on that journey last year - kicking and screaming. I just wanted there to be a reward, a confirmation that I had heard God tell me to go. I knew it all the way through, but it is fleeting now. My husband had even begun to believe that it was his ticket to a new future; a chance for him to start fresh. We are in this holding pattern. Unable to see what is ahead or even what way we should go. God is silent. Ideas, plans, entire curriculum's come into my mind; I pray about them, I muse over them, I plan them out, I dream about them - and God says 'ask your husband what he thinks.' What he thinks is never what I want it to be. I'm sure that goes both ways.

I had been looking for an escape. I wanted to go on a mission trip to Mexico, but God was not calling me to go and my husband didn't think so either. I could have easily ignored God if He had not told me to ask my husband. Now, I am looking for something to do. This is clouding my ability to discern whether I'm just bored and trying to give my brain something to focus on, or if God wants me to start something.

Jesus said; "My Father is working until now, and I am working." John 5:17 Good to know; better to believe it; and peace is found in trusting it.

So, here I am. Knowing, believing, and trusting. My mind whirling from all that it is thinking - and not doing - and my bank account starving from lack of deposits. It's a good thing I'm going to Seattle for the weekend. I think I'll leave my life at home.

BLOGGING: Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.


LOL that is too funny... and too true.

Just a reminder to me that the perils of blogging are narcissistic in nature. My vanity can make me believe that the masses are reading and actually benefiting from my blog. In the past the only thing that has ever come out of my blog is grief - and usually I have hurt people with my words and my desire to be right. I'm not sure why I still post. It is an outlet, yet I'm starting to think that I should just put it aside. I have a desire to write and to share what God is showing me and leading me through. I wonder if there is a better way, one I'm missing because I hang on to this.

Yet now I'm going to click 'publish now'; imagining that it will somehow make this a resolution.

I'll probably post something next week.

1 Timothy 1:5-14
I was reminded of this passage this morning as a woman of God quoted verse 12 in her southern twang - made me want to get up and say it with her!

I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well. For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because ofhis own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel,which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for which I was appointed a preacher and apostle and teacher, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me. Follow the pattern of the sound words that you have heard from me, in the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. By the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, guard the good deposit entrusted to you.

A story that needs to be told is never filled with everything good. There are sad difficult aspects and often there is tragedy and regret. No one wants to hear about some ones life that was perfect.

Perfect.

I'm not sure we understand what that word really means. Jesus was perfect - never did, said, or thought wrong. Was his life without pain, struggle, loss, and sadness? No; the perfect man dealt with all that perfectly. So, in our lives of imperfection; why do we expect a smooth free ride in life? Add the ridiculousness of our choices, the depravity that lies just beneath our smiling faces, and our lack of consistency in good behaviour, and we make the imperfect life almost unbearable. We do that; there is no one else to blame.

I'm grumbling.

Grumbling makes the time of trial a much worse nightmare. Charles Price said in his sermon 'The bitter water of Marah', that the Christians life is marked by triumph and trial, feast and fight, light and dark. He says the sooner we relent to this fact the less unhappy we will be. So, he says to ask yourself what is God saying to me in this time of testing, trial, fight, or darkness? Maybe the specific answer is elusive or just none of your business. We don't like that. How can God think that something affecting me, my life, my livelihood, my kids, my marriage, my reputation, be none of my business? My pastor, Doug, would ask me - 'How far will your faith take you?' I'm asking myself right now - 'The God you know, the faithful, trustworthy, saviour, loving, full of grace and mercy, and the most powerful Holy God, would He allow anything except what is best for you?'

I already know the answer.

Yet, I don't like the trial, the fight or the darkness. Who does really? After such great triumph to find ourselves once again choked by the cares of the world, worry, and even fear is disheartening. I went back and looked at a study I did a few years back - 'When Godly People do Ungodly Things' - it was then that I took up 2 Corinthians 10:5 which states, "... take every thought captive to obey Christ." All of my trouble right now only feels worse when I'm negative. And let's be truthful; our ungodly behaviour comes from our ungodly thoughts.

Lord, renew my mind (Romans 12:1-3), by the Holy Spirit's power, fill my thoughts with only what is good (Philippians 4:8), and even in this bitter place that I must be, show me how to drink so that it may be sweet to me (Exodus 15:22-27). May you cause me to go to the source of living water, Jesus; who has promised to those who believe, hearts with flowing rivers of living water (John 7:37-38).

I can feel the joy returning to me - well sort-of :)

I usually want to pray for a miracle that would make everything as it should be in just a few days. Maybe part of the point of the trial is to learn to be content in all circumstances. What a miracle that would be.

I found this in an old book that my grandmother gave to me about a year ago. It just fell out; and how timely as I seek God's will.

In the Bulb There Is a Flower
In the bulb there is a flower; in the seed, an apple tree;
In cocoons, a hidden promise: butterflies will soon be free!
In the cold and snow of winter; there's a spring that waits to be,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

There's a song in every silence, seeking word and melody;
There's a dawn in every darkness, bringing hope to you and me.
From the past will come the future; what it holds, a mystery,
Unrevealed until its season something God alone can see.

In our end is our beginning; in our time, infinity;
In our doubt there is believing; in our life, eternity.
In our death, a resurrection; at the last, a victory.
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

Quotes that made me smile, made me think and offered encouragement.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind that I will never die.
Calvin and Hobbes

Success can go to my head, and will unless I remember that it is God who accomplishes the work, and that he will be able to make out with other means whenever he cuts me down to size.
Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Try not to become a person of success but rather a person of value.
Albert Einstein

The healthiest relationships are those that breathe - that move out and then move back together.
James Dobson

And finally....

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of just about anything you please. Volvo - a car that cannot only help save your life, but help save your soul.
Volvo Ad Campaign - LOL

I have a Volvo wagon for sale if anyone wants to take them up on their offer.

Thank You...

I was thanked this week for doing one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. My husband and I were both thanked by someone who doesn't even directly benefit from what we did and are doing. We were thanked for God's glory shining in our weakness, in our sin repented, and our reconciliation begun. I've never been thanked for letting my shame be washed in the blood of my savior Jesus Christ.

I am reminded of what James wrote;
"And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."
James 5:15-16

In coming before our brothers and sisters, we opened our lives to the prayer of many righteous. Some things are meant to be told; it is in community that we can become more like Christ.

I think that this 'thank you' is really to the one true living God, creator and sustainer, Father of all, savior of the lost, promised Messiah, ruler and King.

And so I go, into the rest of this journey of reconciliation with great hope and caution to keep up the good fight; ruthlessly trusting Jesus to allow that which seems impossible and against all odds, bring glory only to his glorious name.

"...take care that you are not carried away with the error of lawless people and lose your own stability. But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen."
2 Peter 3:17-18

In Jesus precious name...

I am so proud of my son tonight. He made a decision to be obedient; he was left alone by his friends as they went on without him; I'm sure he was pressured, but he did not fall; he was more than just obedient to myself and his father, he was obedient to our God. He honored his parents tonight and honored the God he worships.

May the Lord truly bless him as he stands firm.

¹A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches,
and favor is better than silver or gold.
² The rich and the poor meet together;
the LORD is the maker of them all.
³ The prudent sees danger and hides himself,
but the simple go on and suffer for it.
⁴The reward for humility and fear of the LORD
is riches and honor and life.
⁵ Thorns and snares are in the way of the crooked;
whoever guards his soul will keep far from them.
⁶ Train up a child in the way he should go;
even when he is old he will not depart from it.
⁷ The rich rules over the poor,
and the borrower is the slave of the lender.
⁸Whoever sows injustice will reap calamity,
and the rod of his fury will fail.
⁹ Whoever has a bountiful eye will be blessed,
for he shares his bread with the poor.
¹⁰ Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out,
and quarreling and abuse will cease.
¹¹He who loves purity of heart,
and whose speech is gracious, will have the king as his friend.
¹²The eyes of the LORD keep watch over knowledge,
but he overthrows the words of the traitor.
¹³ The sluggard says, "There is a lion outside!
I shall be killed in the streets!"
¹⁴The mouth of forbidden women is a deep pit;
he with whom the LORD is angry will fall into it.
¹⁵Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,
but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
¹⁶Whoever oppresses the poor to increase his own wealth,
or gives to the rich, will only come to poverty.
Proverbs 22:1-16

The whole commandment that I command you today you shall be careful to do, that you may live and multiply, and go in and possess the land that the LORD swore to give to your fathers. And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.
Deuteronomy 8:1-3 (emphasis mine)

The journey began forty days ago; I know that it is not over - there is plenty more to change and learn. The transformation has only just begun. Yet, as I praised God for what had come to fruition on Friday (the fortieth day), His still small voice reminded me that it had been forty days - just as he had told me.

My husband has blessed me with his sacrifice. He chose me!

PRAYER
Lord, keep us humble to follow your commands, let us hunger for your word which is food to our souls, and make us know only a life sustained in Jesus.

The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.
From the Big Book.
I really don't know how to do this...

I said, "I will guard my ways,
that I may not sin with my tongue;
I will guard my mouth with a muzzle,
so long as the wicked are in my presence."
I was mute and silent;
I held my peace to no avail,
and my distress grew worse.
My heart became hot within me.
As I mused, the fire burned;
then I spoke with my tongue:

"O LORD, make me know my end
and what is the measure of my days;
let me know how fleeting I am!
Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths,
and my lifetime is as nothing before you.
Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath!
Selah

Surely a man goes about as a shadow!
Surely for nothing they are in turmoil;
man heaps up wealth and does not know who will gather!

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you.

Deliver me from all my transgressions.
Do not make me the scorn of the fool!
I am mute; I do not open my mouth,
for it is you who have done it.
Remove your stroke from me;
I am spent by the hostility of your hand.
When you discipline a man
with rebukes for sin,
you consume like a moth what is dear to him;
surely all mankind is a mere breath!
Selah

"Hear my prayer, O LORD,
and give ear to my cry;
hold not your peace at my tears!
For I am a sojourner with you,
a guest, like all my fathers.
Look away from me, that I may smile again,
before I depart and am no more!"

Psalm 39

Lead us Lord
by Brian Doerksen

Here we stand
At a crossroads again
Like you said
In time the seasons change

Looking back
We recall the blessing and the pain
But now we turn our hearts toward
What is still to come
We want to dream again

Lead us Lord
Into a life of fruitfulness
Prepare our hearts to risk again
As we trust
Taking simple steps of obedience we know
That you will lead us Lord

Perfect words that speak to this moment along the journey.

For you shall not go out in haste,
and you shall not go in flight,
for the LORD will go before you,
and the God of Israel will be your rear guard.
Isaiah 52:12

I'm not going to go too fast, but slowing down is hard to do when you feel urgency; yet I will trust the word of the LORD. He is before me and behind me - such incredible comfort.

When I'm in need of inspiration and hope restored, I always turn to prayer, my bible, and music. I recently created a new "Playlist" on my iPod for 'Down and Slow' music; but I have to say, some of the songs I put in that list have brought me great hope and comfort today. They are honest and sad but sprinkled with hope for better things. Right now I'm listening to "Saved" by Jann Arden; and I think I'll go and push 'repeat'.

Lived a good life
Lived a sweet live
Oh, I've had the sun on my face
I had fallen to my knees and been amazed
I have walked beneath the brilliance of a perfect sky
Oh I am Saved
Saved
Lived a good life
Lived a sweet life
Oh I have a beautiful friend
I am breathless from the mercy of a smile
I am standing on the brink of the most perfect love
Oh I am Saved
Saved
I am Saved I believe
I am not going to be like I was
I have changed I am Saved
I have bitten off the pieces that I did not want
I have torn them into tiny bits of rain
Oh the sun has dried those memories
like I knew it would
Oh I am Saved
I am Saved
I am Saved
Saved
Saved
I am Saved
Oh I am Saved
I have bitten off the pieces that I did not want
I have bitten off the pieces that I did not want
Yes, I have bitten off the pieces that I did not want
Oh, I am
Oh I am Saved
I am Saved

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
Romans 8:18-25

Verses that were given to me today.

The LORD by wisdom founded the earth;
by understanding he established the heavens;
by his knowledge the deeps broke open,
and the clouds drop down the dew.

My son, do not lose sight of these—
keep sound wisdom and discretion,
and they will be life for your soul
and adornment for your neck.
Then you will walk on your way securely,
and your foot will not stumble.
If you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
Do not be afraid of sudden terror
or of the ruin of the wicked, when it comes,
for the LORD will be your confidence
and will keep your foot from being caught.
Proverbs 3:19-26

By wisdom a house is built,
and by understanding it is established;
by knowledge the rooms are filled
with all precious and pleasant riches.
Proverbs 24:3-4

... and he will be the stability of your times,
abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge;
the fear of the LORD is Zion’s treasure.
Isaiah 33:8

My people will abide in a peaceful habitation,
in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places.
Isaiah 32:18

SAFE TO LAND
Jars of Clay

Getting tired from all this circling
Not much grace left on a broken wing
I feel the wind trying to push me down
It happens every time I get to town

I search for shelter near the mines we swept
I guess forgiveness hasn’t happened yet
There are no words that I can say to you
That turn this careless sky from black to blue
So I’m asking you is it safe? Is it safe to land?
‘Cuz I’m not going far on an empty heart
Is it safe? Is it safe to land? It’s the long fall back to earth is the hardest part

I’m in no weather for apologies
I need your runway lights to burn for me
And if you say that I can come around
I’ll love you right, yea I won’t let you down, I won’t let you down

‘Cuz I’m coming home, if these wheels touch down
I’m coming home I’m waking you up in the middle of the night I’m not giving up
I’m gonna stay ‘til we make it work
We’re not going down even if it gets worse
We’ll work it out. Yeah we’ll work it out.
I need light to guide me in
Oh, Yeah is it safe?

Open your mouth for the mute,
for the rights of all who are destitute
Open your mouth, judge righteously,
defend the rights of the poor and needy.

An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.

Proverbs 31:8-31

Today a friend gave me a CD with a song that was related to my last post and it made me realize that I still have this blog! I ignore it and lately I really don't know why I still have it. It's something that I just can't let go of. So I thought I would post something new...

The above text from Proverbs has been said to be an overwhelming example that the Bible holds as the standard for a Christian woman. Yesterday, when I saw that it was my verse of the day on my biblebgateway gadget, I was overwhelmed in a totally different way. As I thought about what is ahead and what is required of me in my role as wife and mother, I know that I want to do what is praise worthy. It's going to be hard, and it is hard, but I have confidence in the strength that Jesus will give me to earn that praise. Yet I know that once given, I'll turn around and give it back to Jesus - the one who gave me all.

Sometimes the best thing that ever happens to you has a very big rough patch.

Romans 4:17,18
"... the God in whom he believed, who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist. In hope he believed against hope..."

I believe in a God who makes things are that are not. I am hoping against hope today that His plan is unfolding even though I don't see any signs that is.

Going, not knowing, we are continuing to go on our journey in another direction. I just wish we knew exactly what direction that was.

Well, life is never boring.

“For God is my witness, whom I serve with my spirit in the gospel of his Son, that without ceasing I mention you always in my prayers, asking that somehow by God’s will I may now at last succeed in coming to you. For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you— that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine.”
Romans 1:9-12

I just wanted to remind you - that being a part of a Bible study, care group, or prayer group is the best thing in the world.

Verses that are getting some re-run action in my brain.

Ephesians 5:15-16
"Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil."

Deuteronomy 1:6,7
"The LORD our God said to us..., 'You have stayed long enough at this mountain. Turn and take your journey..."

Romans 12:14-21
"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

2 Peter 1:2-8
"May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.
His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. "

James 4:7-10
"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you."

Psalm 40:5
You have multiplied, O LORD my God,
your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us;
none can compare with you!
I will proclaim and tell of them,
yet they are more than can be told.

Merry Christmas to all my readers!

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth.

And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.
John 1:14,16

May Jesus bless you with his presence this time of year and always.

Obedient Son, Ultimate Purifier, All Providing Bridegroom
John Piper

A Perfect Groom

John 2:9-10 shows that the groom was finally responsible for the wine at his wedding. Which means it was his shortcoming that let the wedding run out of wine. Verse 9: “When the master of the feast [not the groom but the head waiter] tasted the water now become wine, and did not know where it came from (though the servants who had drawn the water knew), the master of the feast called the bridegroom [now you see who is really in charge of the wine] and said to him, ‘Everyone serves the good wine first, and when people have drunk freely, then the poor wine. But you have kept the good wine until now.’”

And of course, the point is: No, he didn’t. He let the wine run out. That’s the way it is with grooms on this earth. All husbands fail to be all that we ought to be. But quietly, omnipotently, Jesus plays the role of the perfect, all-providing Bridegroom. Out of water comes wine—better than any husband could provide.

So the third way that Jesus manifested his glory at this wedding was that he showed himself to be the all-providing Bridegroom for his bride, the great assembly of all those who trust in him.

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
Colossians 3:12-14

Perfect harmony comes at a high price. Forgivness, patience, compassion, kindness, humility - well, the list is right in these verses. We are to 'put it on', because we are chosen, holy, and beloved. Seems like it would be sufficient motivation. We are to live up to the character which has been imputed upon us by the new birth. Being washed in the blood of Christ, our new nature should reflect Christ. But we still have to 'put it on'.

I liked how John Piper put it...

"A Christian is not a person who experiences no bad desires. A Christian is a person who is at war with those desires by the power of the Spirit. Conflict in your soul is not all bad. Even though we long for the day when our flesh will be utterly defunct and only pure and loving desires will fill our hearts, yet there is something worse than the war within between flesh and Spirit—namely, no war within because the flesh controls the citadel and all the outposts. Praise God for the war within! Serenity in sin is death. The Spirit has landed to do battle with the flesh. So take heart if your soul feels like a battlefield at times. The sign of whether you are indwelt by the Spirit is not that you have no bad desires, but that you are at war with them! "

This battle within should produce amoung the people of God perfect harmony as we submit to the Spirit. Here comes that lovely word again - obedience. If we 'put on' the behaviours that the Spirit manifests in us we are being obedient to the voice of Jesus.

Should we use our willpower to obey? Yes. Mightily. "Work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:12-13).

1 Thessalonians 5:2-4
For you yourselves are fully aware that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. While people are saying, "There is peace and security," then sudden destruction will come upon them as labor pains come upon a pregnant woman, and they will not escape. But you are not in darkness, brothers, for that day to surprise you like a thief.

That last bit of the text makes me think; is it a sign that you are walking in the light, if the 'labor pains' and other pointers of Jesus' return are of no surprise to you? Jesus expects us to be prepared, to be ready; he commands us to be ready. Because if we're not, he won't wait any longer (Matthew 25:1-13).

Interesting...

In my care group and in Sunday School, we are constantly reminded to consider the context of the scripture portion in which we are reading. Our teacher is pretty passionate about Biblical literacy. The reminders have got me thinking...

My sister (Julie) is in ladies Bible study on Thursdays, they were looking at the very same passage which our Sunday School was to memorize last week.

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:13-14

Julie said that her teacher said something interesting about the context of this verse; context? ... my ears perked up. Consider what precedes these verses.

For we are the circumcision, who worship by the Spirit of God and glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh— though I myself have reason for confidence in the flesh also. If anyone else thinks he has reason for confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to righteousness under the law, blameless. But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.
Philippians 3:3-11

Paul is boasting in his accomplishments and knows that we too boast about how great we are. But look what he says; your heritage of faith, your good job parenting, your learned ways from Bible school, your degree, your incredible good looks, your great family, your good works for charity or for your family - Paul says put no confidence in any of that. Instead we are to forget them and focus on Jesus. We are to count all of that as a loss; even more so if it interferes with you knowing Christ Jesus. We have no righteousness of our own, but only that which comes from God through faith. Paul seeks to share in Christ's suffering in order that he may attain the ressurrection from the dead.

Are we seeking suffering? Do we value our relationship with Jesus this much?

We are to be humble as we seek after the 'goal for the prize', remembering that we have not attained it yet. And this is our motivation - the lack of achieving it should make us press on toward the goal. It seems all so backwards.

Julie said that in her Bible study, the teacher pointed out that so often when we read Philippians 3:13-14, we are thinking that Paul is telling us to forget the bad stuff in the past and press on toward all the 'blessings' that are ahead. The context does not reveal that at all. Not only that, our distorted view of what a 'blessing' is needs to change in the church of the Western world. In Philippians 3, Paul is essentially saying that it's a blessing to suffer for Christ as it will attain for him Christ likeness.

Should we not consider his words in our own lives?

Context; it changes everything.

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:13-14

Dear Heavenly Father,
Help me to make this true in what I do and in my attitude.
In Jesus name,
Amen.

Driving to work or teacher training, I'm usually listening to R.C. Sproul, Ravi Zacharius, or John Piper preach at me through my iPod. I had to teach two blocks the other morning for my first observation and wanted to keep my lesson in my head; so instead I listened to some music, quietly playing so I could go over my lesson out loud in the car. I must be quite the site for those who drive next to me.

Anyhow, Ode to a Friend by Jann Arden just happened to come on in the shuffle. I just started to weep; I couldn't stop. There are only a few songs out there that will remind me of Sandra, this is one of them. I said these very words to her in my heart and hopefully somewhere in there I said them out loud to her. She is with Jesus and I envy that. I don't wish her back here; except I do. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense... it will be a sweet pleasure of heaven to see her again.

Here's the lyrics with my own words thrown in. I wish I new how to embed the song onto my blog.

I don't mind if you stay longer
It was never long enough
You have not been any trouble
She brought out the server in me
I don't want you to go home yet
I don't want you to go to your eternal home yet
can you stay just stay ten more minutes
can you stay just stay ten more years...

You are my best friend
Always
I don't know how I'd live
I don't know how I'm living sometimes
How I love you
every square inch
Love your brown eyes
your forgiveness
yeah...

Don't go home now
Don't take her yet Lord...
It's past midnight
Our greatest chats were just past midnight
You can sleep here
we'll have breakfast
Yes
I woke her up trembling one morning... will she get up?

You are my greatest gift
A gift from Jesus to all who knew her
I don't know how I'd live
I'm living and so is she...
You are my saving grace
You are by heart my true friend
Sisters joined not by blood but by the Spirit


Steve Bell has a song that washed over me, reminding me of worshiping alongside Sandra when she was here with us. Once at one of our yearly weekend retreats, we built an altar from the rocks by the river. It was really more a pile of rocks, but we tried. We built it to mark our time together in prayer and to leave something solid as a reminder and in honour of God's faithfulness to us. I heard Here by the Water on the sample CD that the church gave out before his concert and cried. At the concert, he sang the song and for some reason it surprised me; I had forgotten about it. So, there I sat; tears streaming down my face, loving the song. Sandra would love to sing it in praise to our God. Maybe we will someday...

Soft field of clover
Moon shining over the valley
Joining the song of the river
To the great giver of the great good
(the good news - the gospel!)

As it unfolds me
Somehow it holds me together
And I realize I've been singing
Still it comes ringing clearer than clear

Here by the water
I'll build an altar to praise Him
Out of the stones that I found here
And I'll set them down here,
Rough as they are

Knowing you can make them holy
Knowing you can make them holy
Knowing you can make them holy...

There's more to the song, but this is the part I like; Sandra would too.

Behold, now is the favorable time; behold, now is the day of salvation. We put no obstacle in anyone’s way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.
2 Corinthians 6:2b-10

sorrowful yet always rejoicing... so may it be with us.

I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud
and your sins like mist;
return to me, for I have redeemed you.

Sing, O heavens, for the LORD has done it;
shout, O depths of the earth;
break forth into singing, O mountains,
O forest, and every tree in it!
For the LORD has redeemed Jacob,
and will be glorified in Israel.
Isaiah 44:22-23

I love the extention of this promise to Israel to the ends of the earth, in chapter 45. Jesus blotted out our sin once and for all!

"Turn to me and be saved,
all the ends of the earth!
For I am God, and there is no other.
By myself I have sworn;
from my mouth has gone out in righteousness
a word that shall not return:
'To me every knee shall bow,
every tongue shall swear allegiance.'
Isaiah 45:22-23

Put me in remembrance; let us argue together;
set forth your case, that you may be proved right.
Isaiah 43:26

Against an almighty God, do we have any valid arguments?

He came as a witness, to bear witness about the light, that all might believe through him. He was not the light, but came to bear witness about the light.

"What do you say about yourself?" He said, "I am the voice of one crying out in the wilderness, 'Make straight the way of the Lord,' as the prophet Isaiah said."
John 1:7, 8, 22, 23

"He must increase, but I must decrease."
John 3:30

Oh, that I would be witness such as the man called John sent by God.

Dear Heavenly Father, may I not be so consumed with the things of this earth - worries about money, clothes, education and time - that I fail to see what you see. May I be the voice of one calling in the widerness of this place, pointing people to the Lamb of God, our saviour Jesus Christ. Remind me daily of your faithfulness and forgive me for my insolence. Restore my hope and renew my strength.
In Jesus name, Amen.

Since we are to...
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

So then even in times of trouble, depression, and fear, we must give thanks; as part of our spiritual act of worship.

"The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me;
to one who orders his way rightly
I will show the salvation of God!"
Psalm 50:23

Thanksgiving...

Oh give thanks to the LORD; call upon his name;
make known his deeds among the peoples!
2Sing to him, sing praises to him;
tell of all his wondrous works!
3Glory in his holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice!
4Seek the LORD and his strength;
seek his presence continually!
5Remember the wondrous works that he has done,
his miracles, and the judgments he uttered,
6O offspring of Abraham, his servant,
children of Jacob, his chosen ones!
7He is the LORD our God;
his judgments are in all the earth.
Psalm 105

Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause
against an ungodly people,
from the deceitful and unjust man
deliver me!
2For you are the God in whom I take refuge;
why have you rejected me?
Why do I go about mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?
3 Send out your light and your truth;
let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy hill
and to your dwelling!
4Then I will go to the altar of God,
to God my exceeding joy,
and I will praise you with the lyre,
O God, my God.

5 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
Psalm 43

Lost!
Coldplay

Just because I’m losing
Doesn’t mean I’m lost
Doesn’t mean I’ll stop
Doesn’t mean I won't cross

Just because I’m hurting
Doesn’t mean I’m hurt
Doesn’t mean I didn’t get
What I deserved
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Ohhh, and I’m…
Just waiting ’til the shine wears off

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn’t mean you’ve won
‘Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you’ll be lost
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ohhh, and I’m…
Just waiting until the firing stopped
Ohhh, and I’m…
Just waiting ’til the shine wears off

Ohhh, and I…
Just waiting ’til the shine wears off
Ohhh, and I..
Just waiting ’til the shine wears off

4The weak you have not strengthened, the sick you have not healed, the injured you have not bound up, the strayed you have not brought back, the lost you have not sought, and with force and harshness you have ruled them. 5 So they were scattered, because there was no shepherd, and they became food for all the wild beasts. 6My sheep were scattered; they wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. My sheep were scattered over all the face of the earth, with none to search or seek for them.
7"Therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD:
10Thus says the Lord GOD, Behold, I am against the shepherds, and I will require my sheep at their hand and put a stop to their feeding the sheep. No longer shall the shepherds feed themselves. I will rescue my sheep from their mouths, that they may not be food for them.
"For thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I, I myself will search for my sheep and will seek them out. 12As a shepherd seeks out his flock when he is among his sheep that have been scattered, so will I seek out my sheep, and I will rescue them from all places where they have been scattered on a day of clouds and thick darkness.
I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep, and I myself will make them lie down, declares the Lord GOD. 16 I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed, and I will bind up the injured, and I will strengthen the weak, and the fat and the strong I will destroy. I will feed them in justice.
Ezekial 34 (ESV)

7So Jesus again said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep. 8All who came before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. 9I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. 10The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. 11 I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. 12He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. 13He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. 14 I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep. 16And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd.
For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life that I may take it up again. 18 No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This charge I have received from my Father."
John 10 (ESV)

Are you losing or are you lost?

New Beginnings

September always seems like the beginning of a new year for me and I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way.

I'm going back to school. Teacher training, with three children in school. My children are starting new things too; first time ever in before and after school care so I can be at school; first time I'll be busy with more than just them, the house, and their father. I'm going back to school without the support of my husband; not financially or emotionally. He doesn't want me to go. But I am going ahead anyway, and it's right, and it's good.

Fresh and new is such a great feeling; but change can also bring anxiety and stress. I need to spend extra time in prayer and studying the word to ensure that my eyes are open to what Jesus has in store in the midst of all that is going on. I want to see with His eyes so that my worry disappears. I need to be filled with the Holy Spirit so that I can walk in His strength.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:4-7

Jesus says;
"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."
"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
Matthew 6:25-34

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.
Romans 14:17

Jesus also says;
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."
John 14:27

"Strengthen the weak hands,
and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
"Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God
will come with vengeance,
with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you."
Isaiah 35:3-4

Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed.
Hebrews 12:12-13

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.
Romans 5:1-6

I misplaced my Bible. I have others here at home, but the one I'm missing is my only ESV translation and has all my recent meanderings marked. It is lovingly autographed by my friend Sandra who gave it to me. I went nuts yesturday looking for it. I think I left it in the pew at church... but this thought didn't come to me until 11pm.

"Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly..." Colossians 3:16. It's in me, I just want it back in my hands.

A Psalm for this time and season...

The LORD Is My Light and My Salvation
Of David.
The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.

Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet I will be confident.

One thing have I asked of the LORD,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to inquire in his temple.

For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.

And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the LORD.

Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
You have said, "Seek my face."My heart says to you,
"Your face, LORD, do I seek."

Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the LORD will take me in.

Teach me your way, O LORD,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living!
Wait for the LORD;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD!
Psalm 27

"If you are following Jesus, if you've committed your life to the Lord Jesus Christ, he may discipline you - with a purpose - but he is not punishing you.

The follower of Jesus does not have a burden of guilt wondering 'What did I do wrong?' There is no karma in the Christian life. What goes around doesn't come around to me; it comes around to the cross and stops there. If I confess my sin and forsake my sin, it stops at the cross.

It doesn't mean I never have trouble it means I never have punishment."

Ted Klassen "Hope When It's Hopeless" Culloden Church 2008

Habakkuk 3:17-19
Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer’s;
he makes me tread on my high places.

"If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!"
Matthew 7:11 (ESV)

"If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"
Luke 11:13 (ESV)

... how much more... what a thing our Saviour said to us.

Ask and see how much more. I'm going to.

NANCY HECHE
the truth comes out
The Story of My Hearts Transformation
Read it!!

Nancy's story has something for everyone.

Blessing - from the book...

" That's me. That's me when I'm stuck in self pity and frustration I can see only the sting of the moment. I can't stand back far enough to get God's perspective,... I'm right in the middle of it, feeling hopeless and angry, not a plan in sight. " pp.132,133

" ... I know that He works together all of the things of my life to make me more like Jesus (Romans 8:28)...
It's not just that God waves a magic wand over my troubles and abracadabra! it's all better. It's God and Nancy working together. He does His work - holding, illuminating, guiding - and I do my work - praying, reading His Word, obeying - and I grow and heal and learn to wait and be patient, and then I become more like Jesus. " pp. 134

" It's not fair! Not fair? Leif Enger in his beautiful book Peace Like a River, writes, 'Fair is whatever God wants to do.'
" I cried and yelled and screamed at God and told Him I would not do this. Period. I would not do this. This is more than I can bear. Don't You get it? THIS IS MORE THAN I CAN BEAR.
Is this what I was being prepared for when I sang those songs and prayed those prayers about the fellowhip of Christ's sufferings? Did you take me at my word, really? I didn't mean it to happen this way... why me? " pp. 135

Acts 3:26
God, having raised up his servant, sent him to you first, to bless you by turning every one of you from your wickedness.

Read that verse again.

" God sent Jesus to bless me, and that blessing turned me from my wicked ways! I wondered if I had ever read that verse before. God's blessing is what turns me from my ways to His way. "

... I thought in my 'Christian' lingo, that blessing [her] would be the same as agreeing with [her]. I didn't agree with [her] position, but I loved [her] and longed to have a relationship with [her]. It was so hard. Most of the time I didn't know what to do or say.
... I confessed my hard heart and I blessed [her], and I blessed [her] friends. "
pp 138 ( []brackets mine)

" I believe that the Bible is a book of what God is doing, what is happening, not just what God did, or what happened hundreds of years ago. God did not speak in Bible times and then go mute! He is speaking things into existence all the time. "

" I learn what to expect today by reading what God did yesterday. It's very scientific, actually. If a scientist performs an experiment over and over and gets the same result each time, she can expect that the same things can and will happen each and every other time. "

" I got out my Greek lexicon to study the word 'blessing'. Here's what I read: to bless is to ask God to interfere, to take action in one's life, to bring them to the desired relationship with Himself so that they are truly blessed and fully satisfied. "

" To bless is to ask God to interfere, to take action in one's life, to bring them to the desired relationship with Himself. . . Do you get how powerful that is?
... blessing releases God's power to change the character and destiny of the one being blessed. WOW! "

" I wanted us to learn to bless each other,... with a knowing, informed, passionate, intentional "BLESS YOU!" We committed to blessing those who annoyed us in traffic, collegues who frustrated us at work, friends and family who hurt us at home. "

" God bless you. God bless me. " pp. 139,140

Seriously, read the book!

In Psalm 42 "...the psalmist preaches to his own soul. Verse 5: “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” O how crucial this is in the fight of faith. We must learn to preach the truth to ourselves. Listen to Lloyd-Jones take hold of this verse:

Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself? Take those thoughts that come to you the moment you wake up in the morning. You have not originated them but they are talking to you, they bring back the problems of yesterday, etc. Somebody is talking. Who is talking to you? Your self is talking to you. Now this man’s treatment [in Psalm 42] was this: instead of allowing this self to talk to him, he starts talking to himself. “Why art thou cast down, O my soul?” he asks. His soul had been depressing him, crushing him. So he stands up and says,: “Self, listen for moment, I will speak to you.” (Spiritual Depression, 20-21)

On this side of the cross, we know the greatest ground for our hope: Jesus Christ crucified for our sins and triumphant over death. So the main thing we must learn is to preach the gospel to ourselves:

Listen, self: If God is for you, who can be against you? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for you, how will he not also with him graciously give you all things? Who shall bring any charge against you as God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for you. Who shall separate you from the love of Christ? (Romans 8:31–35 paraphrased)

Learn to preach the gospel to yourself. If this psalmist were living after Christ, that is what he would have done. "

John Piper, June 1, 2008. Spiritual Depression in the Psalms

A REAL CHRISTIAN IS AN ODD NUMBER, ANYWAY.
HE FEELS SUPREME LOVE FOR ONE WHOM HE HAS NEVER SEEN;
TALKS FAMILIARLY EVERY DAY TO SOMEONE HE CANNOT SEE;
EXPECTS TO GO TO HEAVEN ON THE VIRTUE OF ANOTHER;
EMPTIES HIMSELF IN ORDER TO BE FULL;
ADMITS HE IS WRONG SO HE CAN BE DECLARED RIGHT;
GOES DOWN IN ORDER TO GET UP;
IS STRONGEST WHEN HE IS WEAKEST;
RICHEST WHEN HE IS POOREST AND HAPPIEST WHEN HE FEELS THE WORST.
HE DIES SO HE CAN LIVE; FORSAKES IN ORDER TO HAVE;
GIVES AWAY SO HE CAN KEEP;
SEES THE INVISIBLE;
HEARS THE INAUDIBLE;
AND KNOWS THAT WHICH PASSETH KNOWLEDGE.

A. W. TOZER