My parents are not perfect.

Well, duh...

I'm sure I knew that a long time ago; and most people know this about their parents through first hand experience. I will say that I have had much grace for my parents mistakes, character flaws, and consistent bad behaviour. Mainly because it is advantageous for me to do so; but also because it is how I show them respect and honour them as scripture says I should. Now that I am a parent, I pray daily that my children will have the grace and forgiveness of Jesus coursing through their veins in order that they still like me once they leave my house. Surprise, surprise... I'm not a perfect parent either.

All things considered, I have good parents. They are both God fearing, Bible thumping, Jesus loving, education pushing, hard noised disciplinarians, that gave us what we needed, protected us from what we didn't, and offered guidance in the way we should go. As myself and my sisters have grown up, they are still parenting in many ways.

However, considering that myself and my sisters are married with children my parents want too much control in our lives. A transition that should have happened a long time ago, has been delayed by the sheer force of their personalities and our own individual failures in cutting the parental ties. The past five years have been a very slow learning curve that I would say I only woke up to just this past year. As I begin to open my eyes, I realize that this transition is actually long overdue. It is sobering for me to say that the idealized vision of what once was a spotless image to me, now seems old and in need of remodeling. That sounds really bad. But its not. I love my parents. They are the reason for who I am in many ways - not just biologically. I am a product of them and I'm not entirely unhappy about that. However, the delay in dealing with leaving the home and my parents lack of letting go has caused some damage that currently seems overwhelming.

The events of the past five years has exposed this central control that needs to be removed. Now here's where I can get myself into some trouble. I'm going to reveal the under belly of the Klassen family. Dear God, don't let lighting strike me dead. My very fear in talking about this is an indication of the control that is present. The need that we as a family have to appear to be without blemish is strong and binding. It's really unhealthy.

I will try to sum up as briefly as I can. My younger sister moved to Indiana for two and a half years and then ended up 'stuck' living with my parents for two and a half years. My oldest sister and her family pulled away from the family unit for a time, becoming more difficult than usual; conveniently taking the role of 'black sheep'. My closeness with my younger sister increased due to distance; which was good for her and I but exasperated the 'black sheep' branding of my older sister and her family. My marriage nearly imploded on itself and my whole family was hit square in the face with the reality of our dysfunction; no hiding anymore. My husband and I are still recovering, healing, and learning as it seems new revelations take us down new paths every month. I'm not sure when we will fully move beyond our past and embrace a new reconciled future. It also seems that my parents have all but blocked out these events that have changed my marriage forever. All these things have come together to create an environment ripe for the need of support and trust in family. Yet, how do you work it all out and still allow for individuals to be individual? How do you respect each person, love each person, and give each person the freedom to be who God called them and still offer your advice? Can that even be done? Have my sisters and I been able to create our own family with our husbands as the head or have we failed; deferring instead to our father? Have our husbands failed to take the lead not knowing where they fit in? Have my parents infused too much of themselves into our family units? Who's responsibility is it to cut the parental ties? Do we blame my parents for being boundary busters or ourselves for not stopping their invasive behaviour? Is all this really that bad - or are our issues mild and normal things that occur between many parents and adult children?

These are big questions; ones that I can not truly answer definitively.

From my perspective, my sisters and I have not left our roles that once played themselves out when we were growing up. My older sister is a pleaser. She has a need to make them happy; which she never seems to achieve. My younger sister is the attacker. She sees their flaws, points them out and then tries to ensure that they see them and change them. What do I do? I ignore as much as possible. I understood early on, that my parents are dominant and that to get along I had to be quiet and appear to be following the party line. For the most part I did; all my objections and rebellion was kept to myself until I felt that they were not over me any longer. Arguing with an immovable object seemed back then and to this day, to be a waste of my time. So too does trying to please that; since I will either become them in pleasing them or go crazy trying. I suppose my own role is part of being in the middle. I want to keep the peace. I want my family to get along and to enjoy the differences that we all bring to the table.

The way these roles play themselves out now is interesting. My older sister went from pleasing to distance; which makes sense since she couldn't please them and her husband gave up trying to. She's back at it again however; even if it is unconsciously. My younger sister while living with my parents slowly broke them down into a shambles and nearly ruined her relationship with them. Her husband says very little and enjoys a position of safety because she will chop anyone's head off if they come after him. I have struggled to find my way with my parents. Sticking with ignoring them and saying little to oppose their views has created a sense that I agree with all they say and that they still exert control on my decisions. This has set my husband on a collision course with my parents, in particular with my Dad.

This is a bad family picture. It is also my dysfunctional point of view that carries it's own unique bias of being a favoured daughter. My sister's I'm sure have a very different view point. I did lay this out to my younger sister and was not given a comment or argument as to it's validity. But it doesn't matter; this is how I am trying to make sense of what is my family.

Truth be told this is all coming to a head because I have recognized that I have continued to seek advice, support, and approval from my parents in ways that were unhealthy; however beneficial this may have been to me in some circumstances. In the same sense that I did that, my parents also have busted down boundaries and shown little respect for my family unit and the head of our home, my husband; on many occasions encouraging me to go against his wishes. My sister's and I have even discussed the issue of their disrespect for our husband's. It is cloaked in secrecy and has never actually been spoken out boldly by either of our parents; but it has become clear to me that it is commonly known among our extended family and their friends.

My question to myself has been how do I address this? My younger sister has attacked; holding true to who she is. I have admired her ability to knock down their force and make way for her own family to rise up. I have also seen it's cruelty to my parents. Her way has revealed their weakness; a desire for us to love and respect them that drives them to want to reconcile all problems. My younger sister's husband has fared much better than my own due to this tactic. He is well protected and feels secure in his place in our family regardless of what he may know of what Mom and Dad think. His wife has his back and he knows it. Now that they are no longer living with Mom and Dad it seems that things have returned to normal and probably a much healthier normal than what came before. There are boundaries and they are not to be crossed; but what a difficult way to get there. My older sister has floundered as much as I have; going back and forth in her alignment with Mom and Dad. Her desire to please them earlier in her marriage exhausted her husband and he withdrew which damaged their overall relationship with Mom and Dad. There is a gap between not only them and Mom and Dad, but between them and all of us. It seems that she is changing how she goes about this and her husband is finding his way back. They are starting to see that Mom and Dad are old and in need of extra understanding for their ways and habits. Their boundaries seem to be distance and the controlled release of information.

What I'm searching for is a way to create my own way of handling this that is as healthy as I can make it. A perfect relationship between myself and my parents considering my family and my husband is not going to happen at this point. I have to accept that the past has consequences and my husband may never trust them. I have to accept that I can't turn to them for advice without exposing my own need to be affirmed by them and also to make a decision that pleases them and fits their understanding of what I should be. My weakness around my parents is actually that even though I ignore much of what they say and do; I actually want to please them and make them proud as much as my older sister does. If my younger sister is truthful with herself, she wants their approval and pride as well. To know that you have made your parents proud of you is universal among children. Yet, I have a different plan for my life than they have for me. I have dreams of how I want things to be that don't match their ideas. For that matter, God has had a plan for me that all along did not come from them. I have often lacked the courage to inject my ideas into the black hole of the Klassen mind set; I think I'm afraid that I would not pass the test. What is the test? Can who I am exist and be fully realized in full view of my parents without folding into their design and ideas? Can I separate my identity from my family of origin?

It's a complex question that has affected all of who I am. I have tried to allow my children to feel as little as possible the power of my personality. I don't want them to find themselves confused; am I my mother/father or am I myself? Does what they want from me and for me define who I am or does God? Maybe I'm still asking myself these questions. I feel so much guilt in hearing that I am like my dad; and yet at times it has made me feel good. I have felt so belittled when compared to my mom; and yet at times it is a compliment beyond compare.

This all seems like a psychological nightmare, the likes of which I will never truly wake up from until I am with the Lord. At this point I would settle for some peace and understanding. I am seeking to create a safe place for my husband to exist within the framework of my family. I am hoping to instill respect and honour in my children for their elders. I hope to find a way to receive a full blessing from my parents and still retain my unique direction in life. Ultimately, I want to seek to please my Heavenly Father. I'm not sure how all this can be accomplished. Someone is going to be disappointed and someone is going to have to find grace for me and my inability to resolve these issues. I must forsake all others for my husband and be worthy of the calling of Jesus by putting nothing above Him. It gives new meaning to Jesus' words:

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple."
Luke 14:26

I actually wrote this back in March and never posted it. Very timely.

I was driving today. It gave me a chance to think. I listened to some apologetics and some great music. I listened for a moment to my own thoughts and maybe even allowed the very thoughts of God to invade my own harried thinking. Solitude is rare in my life and must be embraced when available.

I have had a couple of weeks of thinking about the ramifications of truly believing a lie. A lie. That makes it sound like an impossible thing for anyone to do. How could someone believe a lie? Wouldn't there be a point in time when you would realize that you'd been duped? The problem is, most of us at some point in time believe a lie that we ourselves have told our own minds. Circumstances and events lead us to believe things that aren't true. We don't talk about them and continue to make our own assumptions and conclusions which seem to have a logical linear route. We only ask ourselves - Why would I be wrong about this? - when confronted with evidence that doesn't seem to line up with the conclusions we've already made. Oh, but that doesn't stop us; we are so much smarter than that. Our skillful depraved hearts just find a way to connect the dots in just the right direction to continue to keep the lie alive. It's more comfortable to believe what we've already believed for so long.

Yeah, I know how to explain it because I've been there. Don't be so surprised. You have too. It's harder to accept it in someone else though. People believing a lie tend to hurt those around them with their insistence on its truth and the blaming that ensues. I think one way to know that you are believing a lie is that most of what you believe about what is going on is that its not your fault; everyone else is to blame for what is happening and for the circumstances that you are in. It can be very subtle. I'm not saying that it's never someone else's fault; often blame really does belong to someone else. Any time someone is made powerless by the acts and words of someone else, abuse is reigning. There in lies another subtlety. Once the victim no longer allows themselves to be victimized, the abuse will stop. However that looks - a complete end to the relationship or healing - the victim actually has some power to do something about it; but blame has to be diminished, understood, and then refocused. Let me explain... The victim will not do anything about their powerlessness if they continue in blame because they are stuck. It begins with the victim blaming themselves irrationally and placing no blame on the abuser. As the victim realizes that they have some power, blame shifts to the abuser for the abuse. This is when the victim now sees that little piece of power they have to change their situation. If they stay in the blame state (it's my fault/it's their fault) they will stay put; stuck because blame leaves no room for action. I suppose that is a very simplistic explanation, but I think it holds some water.

You can't change anything if it's all someone else's fault and you can't do anything if it's all your fault. Blame is big part of believing a lie; no matter how you slice it.

This all got me to thinking about the past and its affect on today. Is there any sense in saying that something shouldn't have happened; that a decision was wrong? Sure. I can see that when something turned out wrong, or bad, or hurt those around you there needs to be responsibility taken for that. It's hard to move forward if the truth is not faced; if forgiveness is not sought and reconciliation has no place. It is said these days that you do the best you can at the time with what you know; you can not blame yourself for the mistakes you made since you didn't know any better. Is that really true? This is relativism at its best. Could not a murderer, one who steals, or an adulterer just claim ignorance and then all would be OK? Where would be justice and how do the wrongs get made right? This is a lie cloaked in nice sounding words and even those who believe in the sovereignty of God can get caught in thinking this way. Is it not true that an all omnipotent omniscient God takes all that is done in your life and brings forth what he had planned all along? Since I believe that God is totally in control, I can not take responsibility for my past wrongs since now they have been made right. Whoa. Something smells funny.

I guess as I thought about believing a lie, this idea of not dwelling on the past and moving forward - recognizing that you've learned from your past, so you must do better; and what to do with blame when wronged and when you've done wrong - needs to be given clarification and explanation that actually makes sense. I don't think I'm there yet; I'm still not able to put into words what it is that needs to be explained. But I think that God is working in my heart and soul on this as my life unfolds in this in-between place that I find myself in. this chapter is not closed and the past that is affecting my future is still percolating as my future has yet to begin the next phase.

Yeah, I know... it's complicated.

This passage helps me;

2 Corinthians 5:11-6:10
Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade others. But what we are is known to God, and I hope it is known also to your conscience. We are not commending ourselves to you again but giving you cause to boast about us, so that you may be able to answer those who boast about outward appearance and not about what is in the heart. For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.

From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Working together with him, then, we appeal to you not to receive the grace of God in vain. For he says,

"In a favourable time I listened to you,
and in a day of salvation I have helped you."

Behold, now is the favorable time; behold, now is the day of salvation. We put no obstacle in anyone’s way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.

I was alone the other day at a Starbucks. As I sat there reading and writing - I'm currently writing down all the great things said in a book about anger - it struck me, no one knows where I am. I had been at a wedding that afternoon and was going to head home in between the ceremony and the reception but I decided not to drive all the way back from Vancouver. So I found a local SB and got the cheapest coffee they have and a sandwich. I had thought far enough in advance to bring my books and Bible so I would have something to do.

I must have been there for forty five minutes before I realized that no one knew where I was. The husband was still at work, the kids were at home thinking I was at a wedding. I wouldn't be meeting the husband until the reception two hours from now. I stopped writing and looked out the window, my pen frozen in my hand; no one knows where you are. I should turn off my cell phone, I thought; but I didn't (I did turn the ringer off). Putting the pen down I focused on the activity outside. The Starbucks was right by a bus stop across the street from the Broadway Skytrain Station. People were coming and going; across the street it appeared that deals were being made as I saw people exchange secret items from hand to hand. The 'patio' outside was only occupied by a lone regal native man (I noticed his earrings and necklace that looked handcrafted) and a couple of other dark ethnic men chatting loudly in the corner. Inside the tables created their own little places of intimacy as groups surrounded them; a couple at one table huddled around a laptop; a group of students discussing and sharing their papers at another; old friends in the corner; and the big comfy chairs occupied by a loud group of men who came and went like it was their office; and me, all dressed up with my book bag and fancy purse. It was a busy spot, lots of people coming in and leaving with their order. How had I missed all the activity when I first came in?

Why was being alone - and no one knowing where I was - so... well, great!? It really was great. The moment wasn't lost on me either; I felt it and its intensity was surprising. For seventeen years I have been a mother. I don't think that since I had my first child that I have been somewhere and not made sure that everyone knew where I was or that I had my kids with me. I was even tempted to call home and let the kids know where I was and that I would be going to the wedding reception at five. I stopped myself from doing it. No one needs to know where you are; you have a cell phone and you are not in danger.

Being truly alone is a gift. It's not about being lonely. I'm not lonely. No one was there to interrupt my thoughts, what I might want to do next was my decision, I could invite someone into my space or I could sit alone. Even in the busy spot I could hear what the Spirit may be saying to me. I could contemplate what Jesus wanted me to get from the book I was looking at, what Jesus was wanting me to do in the coming months ahead. I could watch the people and observe, not judging or missing any of it because of someone else's presence. I went back to my book briefly and then found myself merely staring at the page not really reading or writing anything; looking up out the window and slowly drinking my coffee. There was peace in that busy place because I was alone and no one knew where I was.

I have to do that again.

The most important things about me are not my successes but my failures. If you knew nothing of who I was except for where I had fallen down and had to get back up, you would know the most about my life, my character, and my relationship with my saviour Jesus Christ.

Problem is that doesn't work on a resume.

More to come later...

I did something very liturgical today. It is Lenten season and I haven't done much to think through and prepare myself for the Passion week ahead. See, I told you it was something liturgical in nature. Actually, maybe it's better to say that I did something Catholic. Why do I associate anything ritual with Catholicism? Does the reformed faith really have no ritual aspect to it? I think it is in my evangelical roots to see ritual as bad and that it gets in the way of relationship with Jesus. However, my life without the rituals would be without discipline in reading the Word and in prayer. hmmm ... Anyway...

I went to Our Lady of Mercy Parish to view the Man of the Shroud exhibit. I had been to the website and read some of the material, and I spoke with a teacher at STMC regarding the nature of the exhibit, yet I still wasn't sure what I would encounter. I went out of curiosity; as a student of history; as a religious investigator per se; as a protestant nay sayer; and as a woman of faith dipping her foot in the pool of mystery that surrounds the world of religious artifacts.

A brief description of the shroud;
The Shroud is an old bloodstained, dirty piece of linen cloth containing life-sized front and back images of a naked man who appears to have been crucified. In a climate of superstition, naiveté and disorder (for historical reasons that I will not go into here), a lucrative market in false relics flourished in Medieval Europe. Our knowledge of this history rightly conditions us to be suspicious of any medieval relic. New evidence however has put the Shroud back into the limelight, with the possibility of its authenticity. New Evidence includes; textile analysis that shows it is from first century Israel; pollen and floral imprints which show that it was in the environs of Jerusalem; chemical analysis that shows it was in physical contact with Jerusalem's limestone caves; portraits of Jesus on coins in the Byzantine Empire which suggest that they were derived from the face of the Shroud; links to a clothe in Spain that was said to be wrapped around the same head as the Shroud; blood stains proven to be human blood; forensic analysis of the body image is consistent with the markings of flogging, in a state of rigor mortis, and shows no decomposition.

My personal experience;
I went through the whole display; reading each display board slowly; the history, the art, the pathology, the iconography of it all encircling me as a walked and read. The church was quiet with the music of monks playing softly yet seemingly surrounding me as I was not able to tell where it was coming from (bear with me... I know they must have surround sound - I'm trying to create a feeling here). There were three stops that intrigued me the most. The first was the pathological explanation of the crucifixion that the shroud gives evidence too. Some of the description and understanding we currently have today actually comes from investigation into this piece of clothe that shows the wounds, the blood and the imprint of the crown of thorns. I had no idea what we believe to be true comes from this artifact so hotly debated. I stood and read about how Jesus died and began to weep. This is imagery I don't ever conjure up. My head was spinning and I became self conscience of my surroundings, and so began to hold back my tears.

The second was the actual life size photograph of the shroud itself. It hung ominously from the high ceiling at the front of the church. With the crucifix behind it and the music playing, I was emotionally moved; frozen still staring at it. I stood there gazing at it for a long time. Others in the exhibit passed me by. I kept asking myself; what is this thing? Could it really be the clothe that wrapped Jesus at his death? Why would God allow this to be found? Are not some people worshipping this artifact and not Jesus? It reminds me of the bones of Moses never being found; and for good reason. This great leader of Israel was not to be revered over the coming Messiah. His bones may have been used to cause many to stumble over a worship of him. Is not this shroud the same thing? Something that merely distracts from seeing Jesus the Messiah? I don't know what to think. It sure looks real. The evidence seems sound. If not Jesus, it certainly was a man crucified, with a spear wound in his side, and wounds on the crown of his head.

The third aspect of the exhibit that has stayed with me is the evidence that the shroud provides for the resurrection of Jesus. This is the single most important event to the believer in Jesus. As Paul says in 1 Corinthian 15:12-19
Now if Christ is proclaimed as raised from the dead, how can some of you say that there is no resurrection of the dead? ¹³But if there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. ¹⁴And if Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and your faith is in vain. ¹⁵We are even found to be misrepresenting God, because we testified about God that he raised Christ, whom he did not raise if it is true that the dead are not raised. ¹⁶For if the dead are not raised, not even Christ has been raised. ¹⁷And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile and you are still in your sins. ¹⁸Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished. ¹⁹If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.

My belief hinges on the resurrection. The evidence laid out before me was fascinating and again left me filled with emotions and tears welled up in my eyes. Scientific evidence shows that the body of whoever was wrapped in this cloth did not decay as most buried bodies do in their burial clothes. Evidence of radiation, intense light or heat has been found in testing. The images are composed of microscopic lengths of oxidized and dehydrated fibres that are part of the thread of the cloth. These darkened strands of cellulous fibre are called pixels because they form the Shroud image in much the same way that an image is formed on a computer screen or a half- tone printed photograph. No known artistic technique or any known natural process could have produced these microscopic pixels. What does this all suggest? The resurrection is real? I never needed any further evidence than scripture and the Holy Spirit revealing it to be true. Yet I read account after account that as men studied this piece of cloth, their doubt was removed and they believed in the resurrected Jesus Christ. This dirty old piece of clothe was bringing people to the Messiah!? I couldn't believe it.

I still can't believe it. What I've learned is to take away the mystery, the miraculous, is to make Christianity a simple humanitarian way of thinking and living. We will completely lose our spirituality if we don't believe in the God of creation who performs miracles; the God who makes something out of nothing; and because of his holiness and our sinfulness, came and died for us to bring us into relationship with him; and then rose from the dead to conquer its power and to give us eternal life. Whatever the Shroud is - fake or authentic - I believe in the resurrected Jesus and the mystery of his life in me.

Some indeed preach Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will. ¹⁶The latter do it out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. ¹⁷The former proclaim Christ out of rivalry, not sincerely but thinking to afflict me in my imprisonment. ¹⁸What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice.
Philippians 1:15-18

Hope. The single most influential element in achieving happiness.
Hope. The primary force that drives human beings from hour to hour.
Ted Dekker

I have been trying to put into words what hope means to me for four days already. I just can't do it. It may be because I am currently very close to hopelessness. Or maybe I'm just tired. In an effort to get something up so that I stop obsessing about getting this up; I'm going to post the verses that make me think about the hope to which I am called that is unlike any other hope we experience as human beings.

For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, ¹⁶I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, ¹⁷that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, ¹⁸ having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, ¹⁹and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might ²⁰that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, ²¹ far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. ²²And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, ²³ which is his body, the fullness of him who fill all in all.
Ephesians 1:15-23

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. ²Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. ³More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:1-5

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, ⁵who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, ⁷so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, ⁹obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
1 Peter 1:3-9

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. ¹⁹For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. ²⁰For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope ²¹that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. ²²For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. ²³And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. ²⁴For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? ²⁵But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
Romans 8:18-25

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Romans 15:13

My hope is in what is to come. That has become oddly liberating. Knowing that I won't find true satisfaction or happiness in what is here and now actually allows me to find my way back to joy. I am not disappointed by the fleeting pleasure that good sex, great wine, an incredible hike, bike ride or walk give to me. I am happy that I know they are just a foretaste, an appetizer, of the future pleasures of my life to come in the presence of Jesus. I will admit, that I often look upon the verses above and can not find the joy in that hope. I read Peter telling me to rejoice because for a little while, 'if necessary', I am grieved by trials. If necessary, really is it? When in the midst of hardship and pain, both physical and mental, a little while seems too long and we wonder if there is any necessity in it at all. Then I read Paul talking about a progression, at literal step by step transformation that not only produces hope but makes us more like Christ. And that step by step begins with - you guessed it - suffering. This hope - a hope for eternal life with Christ - is a result of righteousness by faith. Let's say that more plainly; my hope in heaven is given to me as a gift, a good deposit (2 Tim. 1:14), that will carry me to eternity.

It is hope that is keeping me from discouragement. It is hope that is showing me that change is possible and it is real. It is hope that infusing the restoration of relationship in my life. It is hope that is infusing the plans God is giving me to teach the Word again this coming spring. Hope that our physical bodies and our spirits will one day be raised and not lost (John 6) when we are made new at the resurrection.

There are heavenly bodies and earthly bodies, but the glory of the heavenly is of one kind, and the glory of the earthly is of another. ⁴¹There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars; for star differs from star in glory.

⁴² So is it with the resurrection of the dead. What is sown is perishable; what is raised is imperishable. ⁴³It is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness; it is raised in power. ⁴⁴It is sown a natural body; it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. ⁴⁵Thus it is written, "The first man Adam became a living being"; the last Adam became a life-giving spirit. ⁴⁶But it is not the spiritual that is first but the natural, and then the spiritual. ⁴⁷ The first man was from the earth, a man of dust; the second man is from heaven. ⁴⁸As was the man of dust, so also are those who are of the dust, and as is the man of heaven, so also are those who are of heaven. ⁴⁹Just as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we shall also bear the image of the man of heaven.

1 Corinthians 15:40-49

Such a great hope I have! I am thankful that my eyes have been opened by the Father himself, to see that which makes little sense to those that still lack the Holy Spirit's mighty power (1 Corinthians 2:14). I pray that all will see and find this hope.

Well, I think I got it all out... finally.

So, I painted my daughters bedroom; and despite the knowledge that it is futile meaningless work and just paint on a wall - I feel satisfied and ready to paint some more.

Alone in the house with my paint, I listened to an entire series on "Joy" by my friend R.C. Sproul. Yes, I said he is my friend. I imagine that one day he will be, as we sit in eternity discussing such things as the fruit of the spirit and philosophy. I have many of those kinds of friends; that only eternity will reveal. It is part of my hope of heaven; knowing that I have friends yet to meet and enjoy once this life roles into the next.

I have a bathroom and master bedroom to paint now. I can't lose the momentum. I'll listen to some Ravi or Piper or MacArthur or maybe go back to Sproul. Hopefully I'll be smarter, wiser, and closer to Jesus as well as have a couple of nicer looking rooms.

December rolled around and I had been working a fair bit, being on call was seemingly not so bad; I had actually made some money. As the last week of school came around, and I still hadn't been called in, I realized that there wasn't going to be a paycheck that month. I was somewhat numb; but it was Christmas and I had decided to get into the spirit. I set-up every last decoration that I had stored away and I even spent a day making cookies. I finished all my shopping early and made sure to go to some key enjoyable Christmas events to soak up the joy of this time of year. Advent went pretty well; our focus this year was on the gifts the wise men brought and their significance. It was a great learning time to see how Jesus was sent as a baby for the soul purpose of dying for us. We changed things up this year and upset the apple cart some what. Our extended family celebration was moved from Christmas Eve to the 27th. Mom and Dad were not overly enthused and the kids were apprehensive about it too; but in the end, it all was actually better than anyone expected.

Behind all this great stuff, I was still covering the deep anxiety and numbness within me. I have no job. This thought, this fact, continues to rattle around in my brain. I loath the days. I wait for the phone call and none comes. I have not worked since November 18, 2009. I am asking to be hired and seeking employment from people that continue to tell me that they have nothing for me. I'm knocking on an immovable door. I am now going to continue to do that at each school district in my area. It is becoming demoralizing and I find myself unable at times to accomplish anything at all within a day.

I go for walks often and for long periods of time. I spend time looking at Facebook pages, I read and I read and I read. Scripture seems to pierce me with truth; but my lethargic heart does not do anything with it. I listen to sermon after sermon on podcast trying to fill my mind with wisdom and knowledge. I sit and watch television with a glass of wine as many nights will allow. I know better, yet I am behaving badly for lack of direction. I do not know what to do. I am restless and fidgety within. I am trying to find mundane things to do like paint my bathroom because the passion for what I want to do - teach - is not given any venue to express itself.

Frustration has set in. I will paint my bathroom, my bedroom and my daughters room because I have nothing better to do. There is nothing wrong with painting; it will actually make my daughter happy and I think my husband will think I am accomplishing something. I will continue to make dinner, do laundry, and clean up around the house. I will sort out my office, the tax papers, clean out my closet, and start to touch up the paint in the rest of the house. These things used to give me a sense of satisfaction but I can't seem to find any use for them. They are temporal futile uses of my time that will not last or have any meaning. It's just paint, clean clothes, food, and busy work. When this is all there is, I feel as if they don't matter.

My kids do matter. I am still doing all that mothering requires; driving to and from, maintaining their schedules, discipline at every turn, the occasional heart to heart, and all of the stuff in between that has more meaning than I know. This is a good thing; this is not temporal stuff. The lives that are developing in my home are worth more than the paint on my walls. Yet, I am learning that I am not a good mother. I have made huge mistakes and most of the bad patterns that my kids have in reaction to me are my own fault. At this time in my life I am watching in amazement at my husband and his ability to deal with all of their attacks. Let me tell you, the kids in this house are on the revolt. I am not letting them negotiate; I am taking them at their word and expecting them to take mine. It has turned everyone upside down. The line is drawn and they keep expecting me to erase it. They've never had so many natural consequences. Although I know this is good for them and for me, it is exhausting and I often can hardly stand it. I have been known, as of late, to lock myself in my room until my husband gets home because I do not have the strength to stand firm on one more thing. Boy, it would be so much easier to have just ignored them until they grew up and left the house. That is what so many of us do. I know I've been guilty of it. I'm not cut out for this mothering job; but God gave me these kids, I wanted these kids, and I will be forever changed because of it.

Finishing my certification was supposed to be my ticket to security. Just as I typed that out, I realize that my security was never going to be found there. I am secure in Christ. I took my family on that journey last year - kicking and screaming. I just wanted there to be a reward, a confirmation that I had heard God tell me to go. I knew it all the way through, but it is fleeting now. My husband had even begun to believe that it was his ticket to a new future; a chance for him to start fresh. We are in this holding pattern. Unable to see what is ahead or even what way we should go. God is silent. Ideas, plans, entire curriculum's come into my mind; I pray about them, I muse over them, I plan them out, I dream about them - and God says 'ask your husband what he thinks.' What he thinks is never what I want it to be. I'm sure that goes both ways.

I had been looking for an escape. I wanted to go on a mission trip to Mexico, but God was not calling me to go and my husband didn't think so either. I could have easily ignored God if He had not told me to ask my husband. Now, I am looking for something to do. This is clouding my ability to discern whether I'm just bored and trying to give my brain something to focus on, or if God wants me to start something.

Jesus said; "My Father is working until now, and I am working." John 5:17 Good to know; better to believe it; and peace is found in trusting it.

So, here I am. Knowing, believing, and trusting. My mind whirling from all that it is thinking - and not doing - and my bank account starving from lack of deposits. It's a good thing I'm going to Seattle for the weekend. I think I'll leave my life at home.

BLOGGING: Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.


LOL that is too funny... and too true.

Just a reminder to me that the perils of blogging are narcissistic in nature. My vanity can make me believe that the masses are reading and actually benefiting from my blog. In the past the only thing that has ever come out of my blog is grief - and usually I have hurt people with my words and my desire to be right. I'm not sure why I still post. It is an outlet, yet I'm starting to think that I should just put it aside. I have a desire to write and to share what God is showing me and leading me through. I wonder if there is a better way, one I'm missing because I hang on to this.

Yet now I'm going to click 'publish now'; imagining that it will somehow make this a resolution.

I'll probably post something next week.

1 Timothy 1:5-14
I was reminded of this passage this morning as a woman of God quoted verse 12 in her southern twang - made me want to get up and say it with her!

I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well. For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because ofhis own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel,which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for which I was appointed a preacher and apostle and teacher, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me. Follow the pattern of the sound words that you have heard from me, in the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. By the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, guard the good deposit entrusted to you.

A story that needs to be told is never filled with everything good. There are sad difficult aspects and often there is tragedy and regret. No one wants to hear about some ones life that was perfect.

Perfect.

I'm not sure we understand what that word really means. Jesus was perfect - never did, said, or thought wrong. Was his life without pain, struggle, loss, and sadness? No; the perfect man dealt with all that perfectly. So, in our lives of imperfection; why do we expect a smooth free ride in life? Add the ridiculousness of our choices, the depravity that lies just beneath our smiling faces, and our lack of consistency in good behaviour, and we make the imperfect life almost unbearable. We do that; there is no one else to blame.

I'm grumbling.

Grumbling makes the time of trial a much worse nightmare. Charles Price said in his sermon 'The bitter water of Marah', that the Christians life is marked by triumph and trial, feast and fight, light and dark. He says the sooner we relent to this fact the less unhappy we will be. So, he says to ask yourself what is God saying to me in this time of testing, trial, fight, or darkness? Maybe the specific answer is elusive or just none of your business. We don't like that. How can God think that something affecting me, my life, my livelihood, my kids, my marriage, my reputation, be none of my business? My pastor, Doug, would ask me - 'How far will your faith take you?' I'm asking myself right now - 'The God you know, the faithful, trustworthy, saviour, loving, full of grace and mercy, and the most powerful Holy God, would He allow anything except what is best for you?'

I already know the answer.

Yet, I don't like the trial, the fight or the darkness. Who does really? After such great triumph to find ourselves once again choked by the cares of the world, worry, and even fear is disheartening. I went back and looked at a study I did a few years back - 'When Godly People do Ungodly Things' - it was then that I took up 2 Corinthians 10:5 which states, "... take every thought captive to obey Christ." All of my trouble right now only feels worse when I'm negative. And let's be truthful; our ungodly behaviour comes from our ungodly thoughts.

Lord, renew my mind (Romans 12:1-3), by the Holy Spirit's power, fill my thoughts with only what is good (Philippians 4:8), and even in this bitter place that I must be, show me how to drink so that it may be sweet to me (Exodus 15:22-27). May you cause me to go to the source of living water, Jesus; who has promised to those who believe, hearts with flowing rivers of living water (John 7:37-38).

I can feel the joy returning to me - well sort-of :)

I usually want to pray for a miracle that would make everything as it should be in just a few days. Maybe part of the point of the trial is to learn to be content in all circumstances. What a miracle that would be.

I found this in an old book that my grandmother gave to me about a year ago. It just fell out; and how timely as I seek God's will.

In the Bulb There Is a Flower
In the bulb there is a flower; in the seed, an apple tree;
In cocoons, a hidden promise: butterflies will soon be free!
In the cold and snow of winter; there's a spring that waits to be,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

There's a song in every silence, seeking word and melody;
There's a dawn in every darkness, bringing hope to you and me.
From the past will come the future; what it holds, a mystery,
Unrevealed until its season something God alone can see.

In our end is our beginning; in our time, infinity;
In our doubt there is believing; in our life, eternity.
In our death, a resurrection; at the last, a victory.
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

Quotes that made me smile, made me think and offered encouragement.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind that I will never die.
Calvin and Hobbes

Success can go to my head, and will unless I remember that it is God who accomplishes the work, and that he will be able to make out with other means whenever he cuts me down to size.
Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Try not to become a person of success but rather a person of value.
Albert Einstein

The healthiest relationships are those that breathe - that move out and then move back together.
James Dobson

And finally....

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of just about anything you please. Volvo - a car that cannot only help save your life, but help save your soul.
Volvo Ad Campaign - LOL

I have a Volvo wagon for sale if anyone wants to take them up on their offer.

Thank You...

I was thanked this week for doing one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. My husband and I were both thanked by someone who doesn't even directly benefit from what we did and are doing. We were thanked for God's glory shining in our weakness, in our sin repented, and our reconciliation begun. I've never been thanked for letting my shame be washed in the blood of my savior Jesus Christ.

I am reminded of what James wrote;
"And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."
James 5:15-16

In coming before our brothers and sisters, we opened our lives to the prayer of many righteous. Some things are meant to be told; it is in community that we can become more like Christ.

I think that this 'thank you' is really to the one true living God, creator and sustainer, Father of all, savior of the lost, promised Messiah, ruler and King.

And so I go, into the rest of this journey of reconciliation with great hope and caution to keep up the good fight; ruthlessly trusting Jesus to allow that which seems impossible and against all odds, bring glory only to his glorious name.

"...take care that you are not carried away with the error of lawless people and lose your own stability. But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen."
2 Peter 3:17-18

In Jesus precious name...

I am so proud of my son tonight. He made a decision to be obedient; he was left alone by his friends as they went on without him; I'm sure he was pressured, but he did not fall; he was more than just obedient to myself and his father, he was obedient to our God. He honored his parents tonight and honored the God he worships.

May the Lord truly bless him as he stands firm.

¹A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches,
and favor is better than silver or gold.
² The rich and the poor meet together;
the LORD is the maker of them all.
³ The prudent sees danger and hides himself,
but the simple go on and suffer for it.
⁴The reward for humility and fear of the LORD
is riches and honor and life.
⁵ Thorns and snares are in the way of the crooked;
whoever guards his soul will keep far from them.
⁶ Train up a child in the way he should go;
even when he is old he will not depart from it.
⁷ The rich rules over the poor,
and the borrower is the slave of the lender.
⁸Whoever sows injustice will reap calamity,
and the rod of his fury will fail.
⁹ Whoever has a bountiful eye will be blessed,
for he shares his bread with the poor.
¹⁰ Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out,
and quarreling and abuse will cease.
¹¹He who loves purity of heart,
and whose speech is gracious, will have the king as his friend.
¹²The eyes of the LORD keep watch over knowledge,
but he overthrows the words of the traitor.
¹³ The sluggard says, "There is a lion outside!
I shall be killed in the streets!"
¹⁴The mouth of forbidden women is a deep pit;
he with whom the LORD is angry will fall into it.
¹⁵Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,
but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
¹⁶Whoever oppresses the poor to increase his own wealth,
or gives to the rich, will only come to poverty.
Proverbs 22:1-16

The whole commandment that I command you today you shall be careful to do, that you may live and multiply, and go in and possess the land that the LORD swore to give to your fathers. And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.
Deuteronomy 8:1-3 (emphasis mine)

The journey began forty days ago; I know that it is not over - there is plenty more to change and learn. The transformation has only just begun. Yet, as I praised God for what had come to fruition on Friday (the fortieth day), His still small voice reminded me that it had been forty days - just as he had told me.

My husband has blessed me with his sacrifice. He chose me!

PRAYER
Lord, keep us humble to follow your commands, let us hunger for your word which is food to our souls, and make us know only a life sustained in Jesus.

The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.
From the Big Book.
I really don't know how to do this...

I said, "I will guard my ways,
that I may not sin with my tongue;
I will guard my mouth with a muzzle,
so long as the wicked are in my presence."
I was mute and silent;
I held my peace to no avail,
and my distress grew worse.
My heart became hot within me.
As I mused, the fire burned;
then I spoke with my tongue:

"O LORD, make me know my end
and what is the measure of my days;
let me know how fleeting I am!
Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths,
and my lifetime is as nothing before you.
Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath!
Selah

Surely a man goes about as a shadow!
Surely for nothing they are in turmoil;
man heaps up wealth and does not know who will gather!

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you.

Deliver me from all my transgressions.
Do not make me the scorn of the fool!
I am mute; I do not open my mouth,
for it is you who have done it.
Remove your stroke from me;
I am spent by the hostility of your hand.
When you discipline a man
with rebukes for sin,
you consume like a moth what is dear to him;
surely all mankind is a mere breath!
Selah

"Hear my prayer, O LORD,
and give ear to my cry;
hold not your peace at my tears!
For I am a sojourner with you,
a guest, like all my fathers.
Look away from me, that I may smile again,
before I depart and am no more!"

Psalm 39

Lead us Lord
by Brian Doerksen

Here we stand
At a crossroads again
Like you said
In time the seasons change

Looking back
We recall the blessing and the pain
But now we turn our hearts toward
What is still to come
We want to dream again

Lead us Lord
Into a life of fruitfulness
Prepare our hearts to risk again
As we trust
Taking simple steps of obedience we know
That you will lead us Lord

Perfect words that speak to this moment along the journey.

For you shall not go out in haste,
and you shall not go in flight,
for the LORD will go before you,
and the God of Israel will be your rear guard.
Isaiah 52:12

I'm not going to go too fast, but slowing down is hard to do when you feel urgency; yet I will trust the word of the LORD. He is before me and behind me - such incredible comfort.

When I'm in need of inspiration and hope restored, I always turn to prayer, my bible, and music. I recently created a new "Playlist" on my iPod for 'Down and Slow' music; but I have to say, some of the songs I put in that list have brought me great hope and comfort today. They are honest and sad but sprinkled with hope for better things. Right now I'm listening to "Saved" by Jann Arden; and I think I'll go and push 'repeat'.

Lived a good life
Lived a sweet live
Oh, I've had the sun on my face
I had fallen to my knees and been amazed
I have walked beneath the brilliance of a perfect sky
Oh I am Saved
Saved
Lived a good life
Lived a sweet life
Oh I have a beautiful friend
I am breathless from the mercy of a smile
I am standing on the brink of the most perfect love
Oh I am Saved
Saved
I am Saved I believe
I am not going to be like I was
I have changed I am Saved
I have bitten off the pieces that I did not want
I have torn them into tiny bits of rain
Oh the sun has dried those memories
like I knew it would
Oh I am Saved
I am Saved
I am Saved
Saved
Saved
I am Saved
Oh I am Saved
I have bitten off the pieces that I did not want
I have bitten off the pieces that I did not want
Yes, I have bitten off the pieces that I did not want
Oh, I am
Oh I am Saved
I am Saved

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
Romans 8:18-25