Separated

I am separated. Yup, since Dec. 30, 2013. Divorce is that ugly thing that I never wanted anything to do with, but now, I am waiting for its arrival. Adultery, more than once... can I even believe anything he says... no I can't. Abuse for years that I never recognized as such.... I thought I was married to a troubled man who needed my understanding. All the dreams of a marriage that glorifies God are gone from me. I have no hope that it can be healed, fixed, redeemed, forgiven, or started again. My family is torn apart and even though I know that I cannot nor do I want to go back, I am grieving. My children are grieving. Go back to what I ask? To the way it was... the way it was. It was hard, sprinkled with blessings of children, camping, new homes and jobs, God's timing, and windows of hope. I seemed to find those windows of hope all the time over these past 20 years. I wanted to do what Jesus wanted me to do, despite my unhappiness. Why? Why did God always show me a window and give me strength to keep going? Why so long in this darkness with the only windows coming out of such great pain? I remember praying for relief, praying for joy, praying for safety, praying for some peace; praying that I would be able to do better, that he would do better. There were nights of praying and crying when he wasn't home, didn't come home, came home so late, when he was angry, distant or depressed. It was as if my prayers were willing him to somehow be where he was supposed to be, do what he was supposed to do. I had so much hope then. Hope that I could endure and that all would be made right. Then there were times of just accepting and it seemed that it would all just roll along fine. I loved those times, when it all seemed like it would be OK. When I could relax and be myself; when the kids were free to falter, when the laughter seemed easy to come and the arguments few. We had those times... but I never knew when they would end. Always such an abrupt ending too. They would just be gone and I would take the blame for their absence. I could create those times with careful planning and careful appeasing and putting my head in the sand.

Lately, I had prayed for an escape. I was charged with energy, with righteous anger when it all became clear. When I knew what I had to do... the adrenalin rushed through me for weeks. But that is gone. Now I am just faced with the task of preparing, separating, day to day tasks, and filled with anxiety that I will lose it. I cannot stop praying for my children. I cannot stop thinking about all that is lost.

Words from my pastor; It's OK for me to say I can't. This has been killing me.

Verses that are encouraging me.

Isaiah 45:2-3

“I will go before you and level the exalted places, I will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut through the bars of iron, I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hoards in secret places that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who call you by your name."

The treasures of this darkness are yet to be seen. The greatest treasure of darkness was Jesus death on the cross; for out of that came his resurrection, our resurrection, and our salvation.

Jeremiah 18:1-6

The word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: “Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will let you hear my words.” So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.

Then the word of the Lord came to me: “O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares the Lord. Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.

The pot was spoiled in the hands of the potter. I have never been out of God's hand. I have been marred in this marriage for God's purpose and He will rework me, my life, my children, into another vessel, as he sees best.

2 Timothy 4:16-18

At my first defense no one came to stand by me, but all deserted me. May it not be charged against them! But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.

My little sister had this underlined with my name by it dated 2009. God is so smart, she said. He has saved me and given me what I need this time around for my rescue to be sure.

I needed to write this out finally.
I can forgive, but I cannot live with him again. I want my children to be able to forgive, to have a relationship with their dad, but I worry about that.
I have been discarded and I am damaged.
I am grieving and waiting for healing.
I know that my healing has already begun... but I do not know where any of this will take me.
What plan does God have for me now?