Before I launch into the new word, I suppose some reflection on 2015 is in order. I chose 'new' as my One Word for 2015 with high hopes of feeling good and seeing new things happen. In September, I looked back and had thought that my word had not truly shaped my year as I had hoped. I lamented this to my daughter and she came back with a quick response; "That's ridiculous! Think about it mom..." So I did, and she was right. For the first time this year, I went on a vacation with my family that didn't include camping. We went to Kauai and had the time of our lives! I started a new job this year as a High School teacher and it has been filled with lots of new things and the school year isn't even over. I moved this past August as well into a new home. It was a miraculous move with God providing just what we needed, at the right time and within one day. Not everything new this year has been good, but instead have brought stress along with them. I am having to live without financial support for my kids from their dad; which has been difficult and frustrating. I have struggled with a new feeling of loneliness that has surprised me. I am longing for a man in my life which makes me feel ridiculous and old. Ridiculous because I cannot believe how quickly my heart attaches to someone; and old because I'm not sure how, nor am I ready, to navigate the crazy dating world. Sometimes the new things that have come into my life have not always been apparent. It's like the verse I chose says;
Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the dessert.
Isaiah 43:19
I have struggled to see the newness while in the wilderness and dessert of my life. Yet, when I look back, God has sprung forth; he is making a way for me to walk and there are rivers of life within the dessert of this time. So, I bid farewell to my One Word new, with some greater understanding for what Jesus means by doing a new thing in my life. It will be in the midst of my hardships and despite my own failures to perceive it; the way he makes through the wilderness of this time will create an oasis for me and my family.
Now on to the 'new' word for 2016... he he I'm so punny! :)
My One Word for 2016 is 'warrior'.
I have sat on this word for about a month trying to let it sink in. I wanted to see what it was supposed to really mean. The word itself conjures up images that are aggressive, portray strength, and imply imminent victory. The image of a warrior beating down an enemy that won't relent and needs to be repeatedly knocked down comes to mind. Warriors don't ever rest; they are constantly on edge, ready to fight, and seeking another battle. I'm not so sure I want anymore battles; I'm tired and I can't handle being on edge anymore. The more I thought about this word the more it was feeling like it wasn't right. I didn't want to choose the word if my intent was only to fuel feelings of aggression to conquer and not find peace. If warrior was my word for 2016, then what exactly am I supposed to be a warrior for? What is my mission? Who is my enemy? Why am I fighting and will I find the rest I'm looking for? I was then reminded of the tools or weapons that are needed when you go into battle and it brought me to the verses from the Bible that answered all my questions and sealed the deal for me on this word.
Ephesians 6:10-18a
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fasted on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.
This was the kind of warrior I could strive to be in 2016. My enemy is clear, my armor is from the one true God, and my battle field is in prayer. I know I will face many challenges in 2016 and I will be a warrior who is ready with truth, the righteousness of Christ, the gospel of peace, faith, salvation, the sword of the Spirit, and prayer.
I will be a warrior in 2016. I look forward to how this word will change how I live and shape me in the coming year.
18.12.15
17.12.15
Grieving my divorce
The title of this blog is somewhat deceiving since I'm not actually divorced because legally I can't. I could, I suppose, but then I'd have to say that my children are receiving adequate child support from their father; which I can't do without lying. My ex-husband would disagree... he feels he's done his financial duty. I would have to say at this point the courts have not legally made monthly child support enforceable because I agreed to a document that says he doesn't have to pay monthly. Apparently, I took more in the split of our assets in lieu of child support for two years, yet that is not directly stated in our agreement. Even the judge said it makes no sense. My ex-husband's lawyer swore in an affidavit that I agreed to this deal and there is no evidence to the contrary, so my kids have no monthly child support and I can't get divorced.
I don't know why this is so distressing to me. Why do I care that I can't legally be divorced? I have been separated for two years; I haven't talked to him at all pretty much since then; God has taken care of me and my kids in miraculous ways over these two years; my friends and family have been amazing and have kept me busy, laughing, and have helped me heal in countless ways; and my new job as a high school teacher is less stressful and suited for me. Yet, I find myself brought down by this latest glitch as if it is stopping me from moving on.
I feel like there is no real way to grieve being in this state. I am not a widow, and so no one feels extra specially upset for me. I can't talk about how I miss my husband without confusing people; I miss who he could have been, who I thought he was going to be, who we were together and what could have been if there had been no abuse... it's complicated. There are good memories mixed in with the awful. If I tell people that I miss being married, it begs the question why did I leave? I think what I'm actually grieving is the loss of fidelity. Adultery has scarred me in ways that I hadn't anticipated. After years of dysfunction and abuse, it seems that losing the affections, commitment, trust, and desire of my husband was still very hard to take. I had made so many concessions, decisions, and compromises. I had put my head down when belittled; I had tried to change so as to please him; I had suffered under fear and dysfunction; and I had sacrificed the emotional and mental health of both myself and my children. It was all for not, all destroyed, making no difference at all. He took his body and soul and offered it up to another woman who felt sorry for him and his miserable life with me. I still can't believe it happened - and more than once. I know that it is not my failure. I have heard that it is often both parties at fault when an affair occurs. I think that has merit. Yet, when living with an abusive person there are different aspects to consider; the normal rules and assumptions have to be thrown out the window. I guess I really don't have it all figured out. My default is to take responsibility; I feel like I can do something about it if I'm responsible. But I'm not responsible for so much of what happened... its such a mess. I've said that my ex-husband has a lot of pain and struggles; he is a tortured man. So much of what he struggles with is because of his own bad behaviour; he hurts others around him because he hurts, which in turn creates more hurt. It was very hard to live with.
I'm so glad to be away from that. Really I am... so how do I grieve? I don't want to bash my ex-husband to friends and family. It feels good for a moment, but then I feel yucky and must confess for being so awful. Jesus says I murder those I hate... I have moved away from hate, then back toward it, and then run away again. Giving that to my God has been so ongoing.
I sometimes wish bad things for him, but what good does that do but make me sour and bitter inside. Plus, really, he needs to be OK. My kids still need a whole and healed father. I don't know if that will happen... I pray for it sometimes, reluctantly... yes, that sounds awful... but praying for someone who has hurt you and hurt your kids is so hard and causes me to cry every single time. There are good memories of our life and I am trying to find a way to honour what was good while not denying all the abuse. This doesn't sit well with my ex-husband's family and it is hard to explain to others. It's really difficult for my children to manage as well.
I have lost my passion. There is nothing driving me, there is nothing that I am pursuing with all my being. There is nothing I am surviving that gives me purpose to go forward. I have not the anger I once had as fuel to push me forward and to help me reach goals. There is no anger... I'm past that stage of grief, and I'm exhausted. I feel that I went through the first three stages of grief while still married... by the time it was over, I realize now, I was already depressed. I slept a lot in that first year of separation. I would come home from work and go to bed at 7:30pm. I think my kids were worried. I feel as if I'm lingering still in between depression and acceptance. I find I have to tap into anger in order to tackle any issues that still arise and have to do with my ex-husband. This causes tremendous stress when I'm dragged back to anger. I don't want to be angry. I want to be passionate. I want to find my passion for all that is my life again. I am a passionate person. I am typically infused with passion in what I do; my children, my students, coaching, friendships, Bible study, and my church. Lately I struggle to find that passion and feel exhausted when I exert myself for a period of time. I am praying that I would find rejuvenated passion in a new direction. Whether it is my job, or coaching, or starting to lead in Bible study again. I just need something.
Passionate people are typically sexual people... that may be a generalization, but I think its pretty accurate. So, I'm a sexual person. I miss sex; I recently have a preoccupation with it and it's not a good place for my passion to be sitting. My goal is to find a way to do better with this than I did when I was young. I cannot find myself once again in pointless relationships or one off's that are purposely set up to end quickly. I know better, Jesus wants better for me, I am not without self control, and I do not want to be that woman; I am not that woman. What a serious challenge this is for me! I lean on the knowledge that the love Jesus has for me is enough, even in this, it is enough. One of the strange things about my marriage was that our sexual relationship was the last aspect to be destroyed. Sex had held things together; it bonded us; it was linked to the violent passionate nature of the abusive cycle we lived in. It kept me going, it caused me pain, it maintained my commitment, and it healed wounds the relationship was causing me. Does that make any sense? I think it is one of the most confusing parts of all of this. It is why adultery finally killed my marriage. I have been asked why I didn't leave earlier; if the abuse was so bad, why did you stay? I don't know why my end line was adultery; but it was. I understand it didn't need to be. I know that I can stand before Jesus and say I did what he asked me to; that means the world to me even now.
I am glad that through this I have found that I still desire to be vulnerable before another human being. The epitome of vulnerability in relationship is through sexual expression. Our world has sullied that so much that sex has become about power and not intimacy. Years ago, I bought into that notion but I will not do that again. It means I have to wait, or maybe just never experience that again. I am learning to trust that Jesus is enough. My validation comes from this; Jesus loves me.
Oh my goodness!! I just figured it out! The destruction of my sexual relationship with my husband was the breaking point because of the intimacy and vulnerability that it contained. It is why not being able to be legally divorced is so distressing to me! It is as if I cannot bring closure to an open wound.
I am now also more convinced than ever that I need to go back to my maiden name. Being a Klassen again feels like I can take back some of who I was; before I was damaged. In some way it seems that the wound will close if I'm not that married woman anymore and changing my name will signify that. Becoming Klassen again is part of my grief. It is who I was, who I am, and who I will now become. Its just a name, I suppose. Yet in grieving my divorce, it is becoming another stone to step on toward healing, toward acceptance.
I should write more often. That really worked to clear things up for me.
I don't know why this is so distressing to me. Why do I care that I can't legally be divorced? I have been separated for two years; I haven't talked to him at all pretty much since then; God has taken care of me and my kids in miraculous ways over these two years; my friends and family have been amazing and have kept me busy, laughing, and have helped me heal in countless ways; and my new job as a high school teacher is less stressful and suited for me. Yet, I find myself brought down by this latest glitch as if it is stopping me from moving on.
I feel like there is no real way to grieve being in this state. I am not a widow, and so no one feels extra specially upset for me. I can't talk about how I miss my husband without confusing people; I miss who he could have been, who I thought he was going to be, who we were together and what could have been if there had been no abuse... it's complicated. There are good memories mixed in with the awful. If I tell people that I miss being married, it begs the question why did I leave? I think what I'm actually grieving is the loss of fidelity. Adultery has scarred me in ways that I hadn't anticipated. After years of dysfunction and abuse, it seems that losing the affections, commitment, trust, and desire of my husband was still very hard to take. I had made so many concessions, decisions, and compromises. I had put my head down when belittled; I had tried to change so as to please him; I had suffered under fear and dysfunction; and I had sacrificed the emotional and mental health of both myself and my children. It was all for not, all destroyed, making no difference at all. He took his body and soul and offered it up to another woman who felt sorry for him and his miserable life with me. I still can't believe it happened - and more than once. I know that it is not my failure. I have heard that it is often both parties at fault when an affair occurs. I think that has merit. Yet, when living with an abusive person there are different aspects to consider; the normal rules and assumptions have to be thrown out the window. I guess I really don't have it all figured out. My default is to take responsibility; I feel like I can do something about it if I'm responsible. But I'm not responsible for so much of what happened... its such a mess. I've said that my ex-husband has a lot of pain and struggles; he is a tortured man. So much of what he struggles with is because of his own bad behaviour; he hurts others around him because he hurts, which in turn creates more hurt. It was very hard to live with.
I'm so glad to be away from that. Really I am... so how do I grieve? I don't want to bash my ex-husband to friends and family. It feels good for a moment, but then I feel yucky and must confess for being so awful. Jesus says I murder those I hate... I have moved away from hate, then back toward it, and then run away again. Giving that to my God has been so ongoing.
I sometimes wish bad things for him, but what good does that do but make me sour and bitter inside. Plus, really, he needs to be OK. My kids still need a whole and healed father. I don't know if that will happen... I pray for it sometimes, reluctantly... yes, that sounds awful... but praying for someone who has hurt you and hurt your kids is so hard and causes me to cry every single time. There are good memories of our life and I am trying to find a way to honour what was good while not denying all the abuse. This doesn't sit well with my ex-husband's family and it is hard to explain to others. It's really difficult for my children to manage as well.
I have lost my passion. There is nothing driving me, there is nothing that I am pursuing with all my being. There is nothing I am surviving that gives me purpose to go forward. I have not the anger I once had as fuel to push me forward and to help me reach goals. There is no anger... I'm past that stage of grief, and I'm exhausted. I feel that I went through the first three stages of grief while still married... by the time it was over, I realize now, I was already depressed. I slept a lot in that first year of separation. I would come home from work and go to bed at 7:30pm. I think my kids were worried. I feel as if I'm lingering still in between depression and acceptance. I find I have to tap into anger in order to tackle any issues that still arise and have to do with my ex-husband. This causes tremendous stress when I'm dragged back to anger. I don't want to be angry. I want to be passionate. I want to find my passion for all that is my life again. I am a passionate person. I am typically infused with passion in what I do; my children, my students, coaching, friendships, Bible study, and my church. Lately I struggle to find that passion and feel exhausted when I exert myself for a period of time. I am praying that I would find rejuvenated passion in a new direction. Whether it is my job, or coaching, or starting to lead in Bible study again. I just need something.
Passionate people are typically sexual people... that may be a generalization, but I think its pretty accurate. So, I'm a sexual person. I miss sex; I recently have a preoccupation with it and it's not a good place for my passion to be sitting. My goal is to find a way to do better with this than I did when I was young. I cannot find myself once again in pointless relationships or one off's that are purposely set up to end quickly. I know better, Jesus wants better for me, I am not without self control, and I do not want to be that woman; I am not that woman. What a serious challenge this is for me! I lean on the knowledge that the love Jesus has for me is enough, even in this, it is enough. One of the strange things about my marriage was that our sexual relationship was the last aspect to be destroyed. Sex had held things together; it bonded us; it was linked to the violent passionate nature of the abusive cycle we lived in. It kept me going, it caused me pain, it maintained my commitment, and it healed wounds the relationship was causing me. Does that make any sense? I think it is one of the most confusing parts of all of this. It is why adultery finally killed my marriage. I have been asked why I didn't leave earlier; if the abuse was so bad, why did you stay? I don't know why my end line was adultery; but it was. I understand it didn't need to be. I know that I can stand before Jesus and say I did what he asked me to; that means the world to me even now.
I am glad that through this I have found that I still desire to be vulnerable before another human being. The epitome of vulnerability in relationship is through sexual expression. Our world has sullied that so much that sex has become about power and not intimacy. Years ago, I bought into that notion but I will not do that again. It means I have to wait, or maybe just never experience that again. I am learning to trust that Jesus is enough. My validation comes from this; Jesus loves me.
Oh my goodness!! I just figured it out! The destruction of my sexual relationship with my husband was the breaking point because of the intimacy and vulnerability that it contained. It is why not being able to be legally divorced is so distressing to me! It is as if I cannot bring closure to an open wound.
I am now also more convinced than ever that I need to go back to my maiden name. Being a Klassen again feels like I can take back some of who I was; before I was damaged. In some way it seems that the wound will close if I'm not that married woman anymore and changing my name will signify that. Becoming Klassen again is part of my grief. It is who I was, who I am, and who I will now become. Its just a name, I suppose. Yet in grieving my divorce, it is becoming another stone to step on toward healing, toward acceptance.
I should write more often. That really worked to clear things up for me.
6.11.15
Grandpa Thiessen's Prayer
Dear Heavenly Father,
Help me meet In the right spirit everything which comes to me today.
Help me to approach my work cheerfully and my tasks diligently.
Help me meet disappointments, frustrations, kindnesses and opposition calmly and without irritation.
Help me to meet delay with patience and unreasonable demands with self control.
Help me to accept praise modestly and criticism graciously without losing my temper.
Keep me serene all through today.
If I know there are things which annoy the people with whom I live and work, help me not to do them.
If I know there are things which would please them, help me to go out of my way to please them.
Equip me today, O God with the constant awareness of your presence which will make me do everything as unto you.
Grant that others may see something of the reflection of the master whom I seek to serve.
This I ask because you love me.
In Jesus name, Amen.
Walter Thiessen
daily prayer
Help me meet In the right spirit everything which comes to me today.
Help me to approach my work cheerfully and my tasks diligently.
Help me meet disappointments, frustrations, kindnesses and opposition calmly and without irritation.
Help me to meet delay with patience and unreasonable demands with self control.
Help me to accept praise modestly and criticism graciously without losing my temper.
Keep me serene all through today.
If I know there are things which annoy the people with whom I live and work, help me not to do them.
If I know there are things which would please them, help me to go out of my way to please them.
Equip me today, O God with the constant awareness of your presence which will make me do everything as unto you.
Grant that others may see something of the reflection of the master whom I seek to serve.
This I ask because you love me.
In Jesus name, Amen.
Walter Thiessen
daily prayer
25.12.14
One Word for 2015
1 The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn;
3 to grant to those who mourn in Zion- to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
Isaiah 61:1-3
From Happily Ever After - Walking with peace and courage through a year of divorce
God didn't create women to be wilted or weak. Our gender has a bizarre tendency to minimize our needs and to belittle our own glory. Why do we play down? To make ourselves less threatening? To whom? Why do we equate this minimization with accessibility? We are not making others more comfortable by playing small. In fact, we are sending the message to others that they need to play down, too. I am not encouraging pridefulness but to be authentic by sharing the gift of our true selves.
Our strength is desperately desired. Our beauty is sorely absent when we stifle it. Our unique offerings are missed when we hide.
We were created by the Lord to display His splendor!
Root yourself as a creation in Christ. Align yourself to assure the nutrients and sunshine you require to grow into the majestic, powerful beauty God intended.
I spent 2014 defining a path of happiness as my word 'happy' became more ironic when one looked closely at what was going on in my life. What does happy look like when you're broken and you need to start over? How can you be happy when those you love are hurting? Is being happy selfish? Is the joy of the Lord really available to me? Who knew being happy was such hard work! I learned that God is seeking to help me find true happiness in my gifts, my family, my work, my relationships, and in giving love even when it costs me. Happiness is given by my Jesus, and he has afforded me the ability to tap into joy through physical activity, work, friendships, serving, and being blessed by others. It was a good year to be focused on 'happy' as it kept me from falling victim to the lie that I was damaged and would never fully recover.
My One Word for 2015 is 'new'. This past year was filled with first's. The first time I handled all my vehicle repairs by myself. The first time to drive a moving truck and set up house just for me and my kids. The first time I went camping with my children all on my own. First time planning birthday's, Thanksgiving, and Christmas separately from my in-law family. It was tougher than I thought and felt scary a lot of the time. I second guessed myself and had to retrain my brain to seek different support networks and ask for help when before I had not. It has been humbling, overwhelming, and expensive. But God has been faithful, friends and family supportive, my church amazing, and my kids resilient. I am happy!:)
Now I need to embrace the newness of my life. This is my new life.
In my new life, I walk to work and to the store; I try not to drive my van unless I have to. I live in a rented house; which is actually nice, as when there are problems with things in the house, someone else pays for it and fixes it. I don't obsess about the cleanliness of my kitchen. I can go to bed when the dishes aren't clean and not worry about. I don't really cook. I make food as necessary and we eat a lot of leftovers. Everyone is still happy and no one is hungry. In my new life, I eat less meat. Really. I eat salad every day. I stay up late and always have a couple of drinks before bed... maybe not a good habit to have formed, but I'm not worried about it. In my new life I dance. I love to dance and I don't care that I'm old. I watch TV... maybe something I could switch to reading. I have been reading less, but that is because I used to read to escape. I need to find a reason to read for enjoyment again. I joined a support group. I make decisions based on what God wants (which currently leaves me waiting, a bit frustrating) and what is best for my children... but sometimes, I just do what I think will be fun! I do laundry when it's convenient, vacuum when it's dirty, take up the whole bed when sleeping, decorate how I want, buy clothes when I feel like it, get friends gifts, talk loud, laugh loud, watch YouTube, always have money on my Starbucks card, and sing in the van with my daughter. I can come home late and no one is mad. I can leave for a trip without over planning my exit, and come home with no one telling me what I did wrong while I was gone. I do my devotions daily and enjoy spending time pouring over scripture. I sit with my kids and we passionately discuss faith, the Bible, Godly behaviour and challenging issues; then we pray. In my new life, we are not quiet. We play the music loud and we yell at each other - and no one gets too mad about it.
My new life is just beginning. Even though I still feel an emptiness that would consume me if not for Jesus guarding my heart, I am excited about what is ahead.
I want to embrace what is ahead and really see that it is new. God is not done moulding me into who I will be and what he will do through me and in me. I want to have a changed attitude about this newness, to be happy in the circumstance I find myself in, and to surrender myself to Jesus in becoming new.
18 "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.
19 Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:18-19
New. The old is gone, the new has come. All this is from God. (2 Corinthians 5:17-18)
7.6.14
Mine, by Amanda Pell
People make a big deal about eyes
but it was really the wrinkle in his forehead that caught me
as he fumbled to write down his number.
We fell in love like children running downhill:
wind whipping past, parading each other to our friends,
to the sky, to the old couples we imagined as our future selves.
When he moved in, I swore he fused with the house.
I could hear his sigh in the hum of my ceiling fan
I could taste him in my coffee
And anyone could see him in my poetry.
The grooves in his palm spoke of tragedies.
A frayed lifeline spread to the pinky-tip
I traced along those calloused patches
and kissed the scars on his knuckles
When you love hard enough, you can embrace those scars
And when you love long enough you excuse or even ignore
almost imperceptible changes in the terrain:
when he gripped me a bit tighter a bit more often
when “how are you?” became “where were you?”
In college I learned that in World War I,
soldiers rarely wrote about their misery.
They were living a new kind of nightmare,
so what good were the same old words and metaphors?
Poets died in those trenches.
I thought of them as I tiptoed
around the landmines that littered our home.
When you live in a battlefield,
where do you find energy to pick up a pen?
Like a numbed soldier I lived from moment to moment,
and when the moments were sweet
(and many were) I savored them
Because nothing tastes as good as hope
Because even on the bad days
when it seemed an eyelash could set him off
when he threatened to leave the apartment or this world
still each night he would murmur into my ear
that these were the natural ups and downs of love.
But there is nothing natural about war.
He was my comrade, sinking into the trenches,
grasping at my face, my arm, my collar bone
I wanted to rescue him
If that meant bearing his blows
and his slurred insults, I would do it
If I could’ve swallowed his sadness, I would have.
My friends considered me M.I.A., but I reported for duty every day
and would’ve marched unto death if she hadn’t made me listen.
In that moment I realized I wasn’t his comrade but a prisoner of his war
And after two years and seven months, I finally made a break for it.
Some nights I find myself clicking through old memories.
I marvel at the smiles and the closeness
and realize that these are the images
which remain with me most vividly.
When time has had its way with me,
has softened the edges of my memory,
I’m afraid I’ll only remember his charms:
the crook of his arm, the way he said “hey baby.”
I’m afraid I’ll miss these ideas of him.
But then I remember those poets
and how long they lived in those trenches
and the mornings I spent crying into my breakfast
And now when I pick up my pen
it is heavy, but it is firm.
I lean into it like a staff as I tread the ground
that hardened beneath me the moment I let you go.
The ink smudges my hands like war paint
I am bruised from battle, but I am not a casualty of his war
I am free. I am free. I am mine.
but it was really the wrinkle in his forehead that caught me
as he fumbled to write down his number.
We fell in love like children running downhill:
wind whipping past, parading each other to our friends,
to the sky, to the old couples we imagined as our future selves.
When he moved in, I swore he fused with the house.
I could hear his sigh in the hum of my ceiling fan
I could taste him in my coffee
And anyone could see him in my poetry.
The grooves in his palm spoke of tragedies.
A frayed lifeline spread to the pinky-tip
I traced along those calloused patches
and kissed the scars on his knuckles
When you love hard enough, you can embrace those scars
And when you love long enough you excuse or even ignore
almost imperceptible changes in the terrain:
when he gripped me a bit tighter a bit more often
when “how are you?” became “where were you?”
In college I learned that in World War I,
soldiers rarely wrote about their misery.
They were living a new kind of nightmare,
so what good were the same old words and metaphors?
Poets died in those trenches.
I thought of them as I tiptoed
around the landmines that littered our home.
When you live in a battlefield,
where do you find energy to pick up a pen?
Like a numbed soldier I lived from moment to moment,
and when the moments were sweet
(and many were) I savored them
Because nothing tastes as good as hope
Because even on the bad days
when it seemed an eyelash could set him off
when he threatened to leave the apartment or this world
still each night he would murmur into my ear
that these were the natural ups and downs of love.
But there is nothing natural about war.
He was my comrade, sinking into the trenches,
grasping at my face, my arm, my collar bone
I wanted to rescue him
If that meant bearing his blows
and his slurred insults, I would do it
If I could’ve swallowed his sadness, I would have.
My friends considered me M.I.A., but I reported for duty every day
and would’ve marched unto death if she hadn’t made me listen.
In that moment I realized I wasn’t his comrade but a prisoner of his war
And after two years and seven months, I finally made a break for it.
Some nights I find myself clicking through old memories.
I marvel at the smiles and the closeness
and realize that these are the images
which remain with me most vividly.
When time has had its way with me,
has softened the edges of my memory,
I’m afraid I’ll only remember his charms:
the crook of his arm, the way he said “hey baby.”
I’m afraid I’ll miss these ideas of him.
But then I remember those poets
and how long they lived in those trenches
and the mornings I spent crying into my breakfast
And now when I pick up my pen
it is heavy, but it is firm.
I lean into it like a staff as I tread the ground
that hardened beneath me the moment I let you go.
The ink smudges my hands like war paint
I am bruised from battle, but I am not a casualty of his war
I am free. I am free. I am mine.
Abuse is not what you think.
16.2.14
One Word for 2014
Don't make New Year's resolutions, instead choose one word to focus on for the whole year. http://oneword365.com/
Last year I worked on my attitude and asked Jesus to help me become intentional about my attitude, knowing he would show up when I least expected him to. I hadn't lost hope in Him; but my attitude was limiting what I would allow him to do in me. It was a good word for me and I kept it on my mind all year, but I think my attitude was not necessarily improved but watched. I don't know if it got better, but it did get paid attention to. I was constantly made aware that I needed to check my attitude and be sure it was aligned with how Christ wanted me to be thinking and feeling. It was a good exercise for an entire year.
It was a good enough exercise that I decided to do it again. This year the word that God chose for me seems very hard to understand in light of what I am going through. The word is happy. Yes, happy. This word has been one of my most hated words in the past. I realize now it is because I have not been happy for a long time. I used to think being happy was bad. Yeah, that sounds ridiculous. But when you are not happy, convincing yourself that happiness is not good seems like a good idea. I was instead searching for joy. What I have discovered is that joy and happiness are actually linked. Who would've thought.
Well, I found a verse to go with my word.
Proverbs 15:13
A happy heart makes the face cheerful;
but heartache crushes the spirit.
How true that has been for the past decade or so of my life. I want to start this new journey in search of true happiness in Jesus. So this year, despite my grief and the huge changes that are causing all kinds of struggle, I am going to be happy.
Just as the song lyrics say, "if you feel that happiness is the truth..." It is the truth... and it took me too long to figure that out.
Jesus said `These things I have spoken to you that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.` John 15:11
Jesus wants me to experience his joy as I walk with him in obedience and abide in him finding that happiness in him and nothing else. So ultimately, ... bring me down, can`t nothing, HIS love is too high.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM&list=FL5a8dnKPDch7mWOLUnodkOA&index=13
It was a good enough exercise that I decided to do it again. This year the word that God chose for me seems very hard to understand in light of what I am going through. The word is happy. Yes, happy. This word has been one of my most hated words in the past. I realize now it is because I have not been happy for a long time. I used to think being happy was bad. Yeah, that sounds ridiculous. But when you are not happy, convincing yourself that happiness is not good seems like a good idea. I was instead searching for joy. What I have discovered is that joy and happiness are actually linked. Who would've thought.
Well, I found a verse to go with my word.
Proverbs 15:13
A happy heart makes the face cheerful;
but heartache crushes the spirit.
How true that has been for the past decade or so of my life. I want to start this new journey in search of true happiness in Jesus. So this year, despite my grief and the huge changes that are causing all kinds of struggle, I am going to be happy.
Just as the song lyrics say, "if you feel that happiness is the truth..." It is the truth... and it took me too long to figure that out.
Jesus said `These things I have spoken to you that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.` John 15:11
Jesus wants me to experience his joy as I walk with him in obedience and abide in him finding that happiness in him and nothing else. So ultimately, ... bring me down, can`t nothing, HIS love is too high.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM&list=FL5a8dnKPDch7mWOLUnodkOA&index=13
Separated
I am separated. Yup, since Dec. 30, 2013. Divorce is that ugly thing that I never wanted anything to do with, but now, I am waiting for its arrival. Adultery, more than once... can I even believe anything he says... no I can't. Abuse for years that I never recognized as such.... I thought I was married to a troubled man who needed my understanding. All the dreams of a marriage that glorifies God are gone from me. I have no hope that it can be healed, fixed, redeemed, forgiven, or started again. My family is torn apart and even though I know that I cannot nor do I want to go back, I am grieving. My children are grieving. Go back to what I ask? To the way it was... the way it was. It was hard, sprinkled with blessings of children, camping, new homes and jobs, God's timing, and windows of hope. I seemed to find those windows of hope all the time over these past 20 years. I wanted to do what Jesus wanted me to do, despite my unhappiness. Why? Why did God always show me a window and give me strength to keep going? Why so long in this darkness with the only windows coming out of such great pain? I remember praying for relief, praying for joy, praying for safety, praying for some peace; praying that I would be able to do better, that he would do better. There were nights of praying and crying when he wasn't home, didn't come home, came home so late, when he was angry, distant or depressed. It was as if my prayers were willing him to somehow be where he was supposed to be, do what he was supposed to do. I had so much hope then. Hope that I could endure and that all would be made right. Then there were times of just accepting and it seemed that it would all just roll along fine. I loved those times, when it all seemed like it would be OK. When I could relax and be myself; when the kids were free to falter, when the laughter seemed easy to come and the arguments few. We had those times... but I never knew when they would end. Always such an abrupt ending too. They would just be gone and I would take the blame for their absence. I could create those times with careful planning and careful appeasing and putting my head in the sand.
Lately, I had prayed for an escape. I was charged with energy, with righteous anger when it all became clear. When I knew what I had to do... the adrenalin rushed through me for weeks. But that is gone. Now I am just faced with the task of preparing, separating, day to day tasks, and filled with anxiety that I will lose it. I cannot stop praying for my children. I cannot stop thinking about all that is lost.
Words from my pastor; It's OK for me to say I can't. This has been killing me.
Verses that are encouraging me.
Isaiah 45:2-3
“I will go before you and level the exalted places, I will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut through the bars of iron, I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hoards in secret places that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who call you by your name."
The treasures of this darkness are yet to be seen. The greatest treasure of darkness was Jesus death on the cross; for out of that came his resurrection, our resurrection, and our salvation.
Jeremiah 18:1-6
The word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: “Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will let you hear my words.” So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.
Then the word of the Lord came to me: “O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares the Lord. Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.
The pot was spoiled in the hands of the potter. I have never been out of God's hand. I have been marred in this marriage for God's purpose and He will rework me, my life, my children, into another vessel, as he sees best.
2 Timothy 4:16-18
At my first defense no one came to stand by me, but all deserted me. May it not be charged against them! But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.
My little sister had this underlined with my name by it dated 2009. God is so smart, she said. He has saved me and given me what I need this time around for my rescue to be sure.
I needed to write this out finally.
I can forgive, but I cannot live with him again. I want my children to be able to forgive, to have a relationship with their dad, but I worry about that.
I have been discarded and I am damaged.
I am grieving and waiting for healing.
I know that my healing has already begun... but I do not know where any of this will take me.
What plan does God have for me now?
Lately, I had prayed for an escape. I was charged with energy, with righteous anger when it all became clear. When I knew what I had to do... the adrenalin rushed through me for weeks. But that is gone. Now I am just faced with the task of preparing, separating, day to day tasks, and filled with anxiety that I will lose it. I cannot stop praying for my children. I cannot stop thinking about all that is lost.
Words from my pastor; It's OK for me to say I can't. This has been killing me.
Verses that are encouraging me.
Isaiah 45:2-3
“I will go before you and level the exalted places, I will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut through the bars of iron, I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hoards in secret places that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who call you by your name."
The treasures of this darkness are yet to be seen. The greatest treasure of darkness was Jesus death on the cross; for out of that came his resurrection, our resurrection, and our salvation.
Jeremiah 18:1-6
The word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: “Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will let you hear my words.” So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.
Then the word of the Lord came to me: “O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares the Lord. Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.
The pot was spoiled in the hands of the potter. I have never been out of God's hand. I have been marred in this marriage for God's purpose and He will rework me, my life, my children, into another vessel, as he sees best.
2 Timothy 4:16-18
At my first defense no one came to stand by me, but all deserted me. May it not be charged against them! But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.
My little sister had this underlined with my name by it dated 2009. God is so smart, she said. He has saved me and given me what I need this time around for my rescue to be sure.
I needed to write this out finally.
I can forgive, but I cannot live with him again. I want my children to be able to forgive, to have a relationship with their dad, but I worry about that.
I have been discarded and I am damaged.
I am grieving and waiting for healing.
I know that my healing has already begun... but I do not know where any of this will take me.
What plan does God have for me now?
4.1.13
One Word for 2013
I read a post from She Loves Magazine http://shelovesmagazine.com/ about a concept of not making New Year's resolutions but instead choosing one word to focus on for the whole year. http://oneword365.com/
It really intrigued me and I couldn't get it out of my mind. The problem is, the word that kept coming to my mind to choose bothers me a little bit. I even tried to find a Bible verse to replace it, telling myself that it was to confirm that the word was correct. Really, I would rather not have this word as my one word for the year.
Let me quote what I read so that you can understand what I'm taking about with this one word idea.
I read the piece to my daughter and she also chose a word. She said it immediately popped into her head. I asked her what it was and she quickly replied 'caring'. When I think of my daughter, that sounds about right. I reluctantly shared the word that came to my mind with her. Her reaction was an instant 'OH!!'. That confirmed it for me; even she knows it is the right word. So now I have to accept that this is the word that God has given me. It simply won't go away.
My word is 'Attitude'.
I have always liked my attitude. I think that it is part of what makes me who I am. Not everyone else appreciates my attitude. I have an attitude problem, you see, that has plagued me for many years. It is easy enough to say that those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind; but it seems that even those who matter are minding - including myself. I am starting to see that my outlook on life is not as good as it could be. It is affecting my life, my work, my relationships, and how I react to what is happening in the moment and how I prepare for situations and events.
Over the years I have developed a negative attitude that permeates much of my thinking about everything; from finding the right size shoe at a store, to how I feel about the future of my marriage. I have little hope that anything that is currently 'bad' will change for the better. I harbour anger about some of the things that have happened in my past. There are a few things that I have regret over. Anger seems to be the only way to get myself up and moving quickly with purpose in any given area of my life. I am struggling to find joy even in a job and coaching position that just five years ago I would have been over the moon about. For the most part I have covered up these truly negative attitudes. Lately, I think that my close family and friends have seen this negativity and although it has a very practical and self preserving purpose, it is making me less palpable.
Maybe some of my readers are surprised to read that I have a dark pessimistic realism that does not lend itself to exuberant joy and warm fuzzies. I think I have been that joyful person. I do feel deeply and react strongly; but lately, I feel kind of like I'm dragging around a dead spirit in my back pocket. I want it to go away. It feels like a dark cloud has been hanging around my mind and spirit for the past three years or so. It is making me tired. I pray for deliverance. I pray that as I meditate and become intentional about my attitude, Jesus will show up when I least expect him to. I haven't lost hope in Him; but my attitude is limiting what I will allow him to do in me.
Jesus said;
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love,... that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."
John 15:9-11
Attitude.
I wonder what is going to happen this year?
It really intrigued me and I couldn't get it out of my mind. The problem is, the word that kept coming to my mind to choose bothers me a little bit. I even tried to find a Bible verse to replace it, telling myself that it was to confirm that the word was correct. Really, I would rather not have this word as my one word for the year.
Let me quote what I read so that you can understand what I'm taking about with this one word idea.
I used to make a long list of goals I’d like to achieve in the new year, but never managed to live up to them (or, at times, even remember what they were.)It only left me feeling like a failure.By Alece Ronzino
So I began choosing just One Word as I step into a new year. One word that sums up who I want to be, or a character trait I want to develop, or an attribute I want to intentionally add to my life.
And since it’s just one word, it’s easy to remember. I place reminders of it around my home and workspace, and I inevitably start seeing and hearing it everywhere, which helps me stay mindful of it.
I read the piece to my daughter and she also chose a word. She said it immediately popped into her head. I asked her what it was and she quickly replied 'caring'. When I think of my daughter, that sounds about right. I reluctantly shared the word that came to my mind with her. Her reaction was an instant 'OH!!'. That confirmed it for me; even she knows it is the right word. So now I have to accept that this is the word that God has given me. It simply won't go away.
My word is 'Attitude'.
I have always liked my attitude. I think that it is part of what makes me who I am. Not everyone else appreciates my attitude. I have an attitude problem, you see, that has plagued me for many years. It is easy enough to say that those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind; but it seems that even those who matter are minding - including myself. I am starting to see that my outlook on life is not as good as it could be. It is affecting my life, my work, my relationships, and how I react to what is happening in the moment and how I prepare for situations and events.
Over the years I have developed a negative attitude that permeates much of my thinking about everything; from finding the right size shoe at a store, to how I feel about the future of my marriage. I have little hope that anything that is currently 'bad' will change for the better. I harbour anger about some of the things that have happened in my past. There are a few things that I have regret over. Anger seems to be the only way to get myself up and moving quickly with purpose in any given area of my life. I am struggling to find joy even in a job and coaching position that just five years ago I would have been over the moon about. For the most part I have covered up these truly negative attitudes. Lately, I think that my close family and friends have seen this negativity and although it has a very practical and self preserving purpose, it is making me less palpable.
Maybe some of my readers are surprised to read that I have a dark pessimistic realism that does not lend itself to exuberant joy and warm fuzzies. I think I have been that joyful person. I do feel deeply and react strongly; but lately, I feel kind of like I'm dragging around a dead spirit in my back pocket. I want it to go away. It feels like a dark cloud has been hanging around my mind and spirit for the past three years or so. It is making me tired. I pray for deliverance. I pray that as I meditate and become intentional about my attitude, Jesus will show up when I least expect him to. I haven't lost hope in Him; but my attitude is limiting what I will allow him to do in me.
Jesus said;
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love,... that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."
John 15:9-11
Attitude.
I wonder what is going to happen this year?
My Truth - 2012
This is old, but I thought that it was sitting in the drafts because it was something I didn't want to share. Looking at it now, two years later, I think it should be shared. Some things have changed; I found a job and God blessed me with a great work environment and wonderful students. But much has stayed the same. So...
Here's the truth.
My life is a mess. It really always has been. I've never really gotten it together. I'm a mass of potential and a conglomerate of talent that hasn't focused or maintained a single direction in this life. I have an excellent background at first glance; solid family and Christian values. Like every other family out there, we have our dark corners, our dysfunction, and our secrets. I have a great education and can boast of doing well at all levels. My history in sport is filled with success and blundering errors due to a lack of effort and the wrong personality for the current coach. My marriage started on shaky ground and even in the hubris of my youth, I knew that it would take a miracle of God to keep what we had begun from completely not working. Even with the help of faith, my marriage is still not victorious or even good. I have three children who are individuals and pursuing their own place in life and it seems as a co-parent all I can pray for is that they rise above the mess from which they come. So far, it seems that they may very well do so and their story is only just beginning. I often wonder if I ever should have procreated. I am currently invisible in the job market. My education, skills, experience, and personality is not fitting the current market at all. I can't seem to find my way into the very place I thought I belonged. I really wish I could have just stayed at home and been satisfied with what I had. Satisfaction is not my strong suit and it makes it difficult to be in my presence; just ask my husband. He's found a new job and seems to be currently looking for a new life. The one he has with me is exhausting and lacks the peace he seeks. He was once a hard working man and I guess he could use some rest. I can't speak his truth; even though I have in the past and destroyed what little trust and intimacy existed between us. I am apart of a church that lacks passion and loses leaders like leaves falling off a tree in Autumn. The thing is, I love these people; and not just the ones I know personally, I love the whole church. We are far from pure as the driven snow and some would seek to weed out those that hold back our blessing from God. Then throw me out. I've blown it so many times and in so many ways. Since joining that church I've been drunk; I've lied; I've been a gossiper and cheated; I've withheld money I should have given; I've stolen; I've been divisive and petty; I've been a leader and not had my house or life in order; I am arrogant in my goodness; I've neglected my duty as a wife and mother; I've been disrespectful; I've harboured anger toward our members and leaders; and I've brought shame to the Gospel of God to those who know I believe.
This past Sunday our pastor preached a sermon that focused on the hope we have to share with the world. He made much of what God has done for us.
I have little hope that things in my life will get any better. I doubt that I will experience any lasting victory or benefit from the faith that I have in this lifetime. I do not believe because I think that God will bless me with money and healthy relationships. If that was where my faith lay I would have walked away from Jesus years ago. I have no money, and I have horrible relationships. But I do know that I will not abandon my faith. The Spirit testifies within me that this is not the end. This life is just that, this life; my true life will begin once I am resurrected and with my saviour for all eternity. I trust that I will be with Jesus because he said that I should repent and believe in him and I did that; and I do that every time I mess it up again. I have assurance in my salvation; not because my life reflects how righteous I am but because righteousness has been cloaked around me by the power of the blood. Where is the fruit of my salvation that some may look for and not find? Where is the maturity of faith that shows itself in righteous living and good works? Of what can I boast that I have done for Jesus and not for myself? I am deeply grieved when I don't let Christ be evident because of a sinful nature that battles for control and I let rule too often. I know that he is my Lord; but does any one else?
The Gospel is not my personal testimony. The gospel is the good news that God sent his son Jesus to intercede for your sin because you can not be in the presence of a his holiness. He chose a people to be his own out of every tribe, tongue, and nation. God began his quest for a people to call his own with the Jewish nation. He chose them not because they were so great but because they weren't. Even within this Jewish nation, only a remnant will remain in the final number called to be with the LORD in eternity. It is the gift of God that anyone is saved and not because of anything you have done. And that gift cost God big time. Jesus had to die. He had to live as a man - and be God at the same time. I don't think anyone fully understands the gravity of that. Your salvation is free because Jesus paid for it.
The cross means so much to me because the truth is... I don't think there is anyone who would even bother to save me if they really knew who I was. Does anyone get that they are sinful anymore? Does anyone see how desperately they need this good news? I'm sure you are thinking I'm a pretty depressed person after reading all I've said. But I'm actually not. I smile often, laugh loud, enjoy friends, work hard, plan vacations, take my kids on hikes, read good books, encourage others to learn from their mistakes, love to have sex, enjoy a good meal, have company for dinner, clean up my house, exercise, go camping, teach, and keep on learning from all the mess that is around me - including the mess I've created.
Here's the truth.
My life is a mess. It really always has been. I've never really gotten it together. I'm a mass of potential and a conglomerate of talent that hasn't focused or maintained a single direction in this life. I have an excellent background at first glance; solid family and Christian values. Like every other family out there, we have our dark corners, our dysfunction, and our secrets. I have a great education and can boast of doing well at all levels. My history in sport is filled with success and blundering errors due to a lack of effort and the wrong personality for the current coach. My marriage started on shaky ground and even in the hubris of my youth, I knew that it would take a miracle of God to keep what we had begun from completely not working. Even with the help of faith, my marriage is still not victorious or even good. I have three children who are individuals and pursuing their own place in life and it seems as a co-parent all I can pray for is that they rise above the mess from which they come. So far, it seems that they may very well do so and their story is only just beginning. I often wonder if I ever should have procreated. I am currently invisible in the job market. My education, skills, experience, and personality is not fitting the current market at all. I can't seem to find my way into the very place I thought I belonged. I really wish I could have just stayed at home and been satisfied with what I had. Satisfaction is not my strong suit and it makes it difficult to be in my presence; just ask my husband. He's found a new job and seems to be currently looking for a new life. The one he has with me is exhausting and lacks the peace he seeks. He was once a hard working man and I guess he could use some rest. I can't speak his truth; even though I have in the past and destroyed what little trust and intimacy existed between us. I am apart of a church that lacks passion and loses leaders like leaves falling off a tree in Autumn. The thing is, I love these people; and not just the ones I know personally, I love the whole church. We are far from pure as the driven snow and some would seek to weed out those that hold back our blessing from God. Then throw me out. I've blown it so many times and in so many ways. Since joining that church I've been drunk; I've lied; I've been a gossiper and cheated; I've withheld money I should have given; I've stolen; I've been divisive and petty; I've been a leader and not had my house or life in order; I am arrogant in my goodness; I've neglected my duty as a wife and mother; I've been disrespectful; I've harboured anger toward our members and leaders; and I've brought shame to the Gospel of God to those who know I believe.
This past Sunday our pastor preached a sermon that focused on the hope we have to share with the world. He made much of what God has done for us.
I have little hope that things in my life will get any better. I doubt that I will experience any lasting victory or benefit from the faith that I have in this lifetime. I do not believe because I think that God will bless me with money and healthy relationships. If that was where my faith lay I would have walked away from Jesus years ago. I have no money, and I have horrible relationships. But I do know that I will not abandon my faith. The Spirit testifies within me that this is not the end. This life is just that, this life; my true life will begin once I am resurrected and with my saviour for all eternity. I trust that I will be with Jesus because he said that I should repent and believe in him and I did that; and I do that every time I mess it up again. I have assurance in my salvation; not because my life reflects how righteous I am but because righteousness has been cloaked around me by the power of the blood. Where is the fruit of my salvation that some may look for and not find? Where is the maturity of faith that shows itself in righteous living and good works? Of what can I boast that I have done for Jesus and not for myself? I am deeply grieved when I don't let Christ be evident because of a sinful nature that battles for control and I let rule too often. I know that he is my Lord; but does any one else?
The Gospel is not my personal testimony. The gospel is the good news that God sent his son Jesus to intercede for your sin because you can not be in the presence of a his holiness. He chose a people to be his own out of every tribe, tongue, and nation. God began his quest for a people to call his own with the Jewish nation. He chose them not because they were so great but because they weren't. Even within this Jewish nation, only a remnant will remain in the final number called to be with the LORD in eternity. It is the gift of God that anyone is saved and not because of anything you have done. And that gift cost God big time. Jesus had to die. He had to live as a man - and be God at the same time. I don't think anyone fully understands the gravity of that. Your salvation is free because Jesus paid for it.
The cross means so much to me because the truth is... I don't think there is anyone who would even bother to save me if they really knew who I was. Does anyone get that they are sinful anymore? Does anyone see how desperately they need this good news? I'm sure you are thinking I'm a pretty depressed person after reading all I've said. But I'm actually not. I smile often, laugh loud, enjoy friends, work hard, plan vacations, take my kids on hikes, read good books, encourage others to learn from their mistakes, love to have sex, enjoy a good meal, have company for dinner, clean up my house, exercise, go camping, teach, and keep on learning from all the mess that is around me - including the mess I've created.
27.11.10
Advent 2010
To begin Advent this year I've been thinking about the gospel.
One phrase that keeps repeating itself over and over in my mind came from the mouth of R.C. Sproul; the gospel isn't your personal testimony. With that in mind, this Christmas I am going to look into what it really is.
What is the good news?
Romans 1:1-6 will be my guiding text as I search the scripture for the message of the 'gospel of God'.
"Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God, which he promised beforehand through his prophets in the holy Scriptures, concerning his Son, who was descended from David according to the flesh and was declared to be the Son of God in power according to the Spirit of holiness by his resurrection from the dead, Jesus Christ our Lord, through whom we have received grace and apostleship to bring about the obedience of faith for the sake of his name among all the nations, including you who are called to belong to Jesus Christ"
One phrase that keeps repeating itself over and over in my mind came from the mouth of R.C. Sproul; the gospel isn't your personal testimony. With that in mind, this Christmas I am going to look into what it really is.
What is the good news?
Romans 1:1-6 will be my guiding text as I search the scripture for the message of the 'gospel of God'.
"Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God, which he promised beforehand through his prophets in the holy Scriptures, concerning his Son, who was descended from David according to the flesh and was declared to be the Son of God in power according to the Spirit of holiness by his resurrection from the dead, Jesus Christ our Lord, through whom we have received grace and apostleship to bring about the obedience of faith for the sake of his name among all the nations, including you who are called to belong to Jesus Christ"
17.11.10
Proverbs 2:6-11
For the LORD gives wisdom;
from his mouth come knowledge and understanding;
he stores up sound wisdom for the upright;
he is a shield to those who walk in integrity,
guarding the paths of justice
and watching over the way of his saints.
Then you will understand righteousness and justice
and equity, every good path;
for wisdom will come into your heart,
and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul;
discretion will watch over you,
understanding will guard you
Taken from the Desiring God Blog
For the LORD gives wisdom;
from his mouth come knowledge and understanding;
he stores up sound wisdom for the upright;
he is a shield to those who walk in integrity,
guarding the paths of justice
and watching over the way of his saints.
Then you will understand righteousness and justice
and equity, every good path;
for wisdom will come into your heart,
and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul;
discretion will watch over you,
understanding will guard you
Taken from the Desiring God Blog
The radical claim of the Bible is that wisdom isn't first a book, or a system, or a set of commands or principles. No, wisdom is a person, and his name is Jesus Christ. When you and I are graced into acceptance with him, we're drawn into a personal relationship with Wisdom, and Wisdom begins a lifelong process of freeing us from the stronghold that the foolishness of sin has on us. We aren't yet completely free, but there will be a day when our every thought, desire, choice, action, and word will be fundamentally wise!
It makes such sense then, that a repentant man (David) would reflect on his need for wisdom. Sin, in reducing us to fools, causes us to do foolish things, even though we think we're wise. And for this we need more than information, education, and experience. We need exactly what we find in Christ—grace.
Wisdom is the product of grace; there is simply nowhere else it can be found.
15.11.10
I think I've used this song by U2 before. Again, it is a perfect description of where I am at on this journey.
One Step Closer u2
I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing
These words haunt me because I wish I knew what I was closer to knowing.
One Step Closer u2
I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing
These words haunt me because I wish I knew what I was closer to knowing.
2.11.10
Blessed be the name of the Lord
In good and bad times
He gives and takes away
He does what seems good to Him
He is faithful, loving , and gracious
It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Lord
He sees our sins ever before him
Yet with Jesus standing for us, will remember them no more
We are saved by faith alone
Our God saves
The cross is salvation from sin
The cross spells victory for us
Victory for eternity
Victory now... ?
Does his healing and saving make a difference now?
Marriages struggle and fail
Violence, greed, perversion, cruelty, and indifference
Found even among the called
How can it be?
Sinners we still are; our nature against the Spirit within
Resurrection power
Call out for it
May it be as it should be within my soul
I am dead
We are dead
Resurrection power
Make me alive
May I see victory...
even now
In good and bad times
He gives and takes away
He does what seems good to Him
He is faithful, loving , and gracious
It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Lord
He sees our sins ever before him
Yet with Jesus standing for us, will remember them no more
We are saved by faith alone
Our God saves
The cross is salvation from sin
The cross spells victory for us
Victory for eternity
Victory now... ?
Does his healing and saving make a difference now?
Marriages struggle and fail
Violence, greed, perversion, cruelty, and indifference
Found even among the called
How can it be?
Sinners we still are; our nature against the Spirit within
Resurrection power
Call out for it
May it be as it should be within my soul
I am dead
We are dead
Resurrection power
Make me alive
May I see victory...
even now
1.11.10
26.10.10
The recovering Pharisee's creed
Or, for those of you who don't speak Christianees
The recovering Judgmental Self-Righteous Person's creed
There's no real way to shorten that.
When I speak of sin, I will no longer talk of it as something in my distant past. When I speak of forgiveness, I will not speak of it as something I received years ago when I became a Christian. I will speak of the sin and forgiveness I experienced today - that I am experiencing right now - that enable me to be human and real and truthful with who I am and who I am becoming. And when conversation turns to talk of sinners, I will realize that the conversation is really about me. I will always know that I am the worst of sinners. I put Jesus on the cross; my sin nailed him there. And if I ever catch myself thinking that there exists, somewhere in the world, a worse sinner than I, regardless of the gravity of the crime, it is at that point that I have stepped over the pharisaical line and am speaking about something of which I know nothing. When it comes to sin, I can only speak of myself with absolute certainty, and in regard to myself and sin, I am certain of this: that I am an expert in both my sin and my forgiveness. One brings me sorrow; the other brings me great joy. The remarkable thing is not that I sin, but that, in spite of my sin, I am capable of having fellowship with God and being used by him for his purposes in the world.
"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!" 1 Corinthians 10:12
Taken from;
12 Steps for the Recovering Pharisee (like me)
Finding Grace to Live Unmasked
by John Fischer
pp101-102
Or, for those of you who don't speak Christianees
The recovering Judgmental Self-Righteous Person's creed
There's no real way to shorten that.
When I speak of sin, I will no longer talk of it as something in my distant past. When I speak of forgiveness, I will not speak of it as something I received years ago when I became a Christian. I will speak of the sin and forgiveness I experienced today - that I am experiencing right now - that enable me to be human and real and truthful with who I am and who I am becoming. And when conversation turns to talk of sinners, I will realize that the conversation is really about me. I will always know that I am the worst of sinners. I put Jesus on the cross; my sin nailed him there. And if I ever catch myself thinking that there exists, somewhere in the world, a worse sinner than I, regardless of the gravity of the crime, it is at that point that I have stepped over the pharisaical line and am speaking about something of which I know nothing. When it comes to sin, I can only speak of myself with absolute certainty, and in regard to myself and sin, I am certain of this: that I am an expert in both my sin and my forgiveness. One brings me sorrow; the other brings me great joy. The remarkable thing is not that I sin, but that, in spite of my sin, I am capable of having fellowship with God and being used by him for his purposes in the world.
"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!" 1 Corinthians 10:12
Taken from;
12 Steps for the Recovering Pharisee (like me)
Finding Grace to Live Unmasked
by John Fischer
pp101-102
19.10.10
I'm feeling stressed about finding a job; how to go about it; am I working hard enough at it; which direction to go; what is the best plan of action; public or private; coaching or not; and worst of all I feel so much guilt.
I don't get it. I have so much guilt about this whole process. I feel guilty for having gone to school and then not finding a job immediately. I feel guilt for seeking work and still not finding any; I mean am I looking hard enough? I feel like I've abandoned my own beliefs and principles by seeking work in the private and independent sector (I never believed in sending my own kids to private or Christian schools, but that's the only place I can find any work. Not only that - I like the environment at these schools. My whole mind-set has been changed in the past year). Not being able to get hired in the school district in which I graduated makes me feel guilty for some odd reason. I feel like a complete joke because I can not break down the public sector brick wall. And this one really gets to me; I feel guilty for using contacts, dropping names, and saying I'll do things like coaching when I don't even know if I want to or can for that matter. I would love to coach... but I feel guilty that I would love to coach. I feel like this whole thing is just one huge ego trip and I'm going to go no where with it because God is not into my ego.
I've said it. This is my biggest fear and doubt about the journey I've been on for the past two and a half years. I was convinced to pursue my certification was the right thing; I was sure that the LORD was putting me on the path ahead. I can still see what God was doing and recall all the confirmations during my year at school. I can see that the Lord has been our provider; Jehovah Jireh. However, the price I've had to pay has been huge; my whole family has had to pay a price. On my good days I feel confident that God was and is at work in it all and that my family and my marriage show the benefits of the road that we are still on. On an average day I'm frustrated and tired of the continual uncertainty. On a bad day, I fall to the ground in despair and feel that I have been duped by my own arrogance that I could change my situation and pursue a career. It seems as if it is all hubris.
I wanted to get a job and just be anonymous; just be another teacher on the list. I really did. If you know me, this may surprise you. I really don't want the pressure of my reputation from days of old glory or thoughts of who my father was as a teacher or even current notions of my supposed ability to teach. I don't want to have to live up to some legend of who someone has turned me into just so I could get on the coveted teacher-on-call list. I wanted to show up for work without any pressure to be something. What I mean is, I didn't want administrators and other teachers expecting something special because I was on the scene. Now it seems that the only way to get a job is to somehow put out there that I bring something that no one else can; that I can take on that basketball team and make it something no one ever imagined; that I can re-vamp the way Social Studies is taught and change the failure rate among grade ten students; I will bring best practice back to Physical Education; I will help the student who is being left behind because I have that special blend of 'cool' and authority wrapped into one; I am the teenage whisperer.
Whatever.
I just wanted a job I was trained to do, a job that I would enjoy, that had decent hours that fit my still growing family, to get paid a good wage, have access to a benefits package and begin putting in my time for a pension. Yet for some reason I feel as if I'm seeking the glory. The glory of what? I'm just teaching high school Gym and Social Studies. Everybody hates those classes.
It was simply too much to expect. Today is a bad day in the midst of a busy six day work streak that will end abruptly and not be picked up again for possibly a month. I don't want to spend another year being on call. It is mind numbing work that makes you not want to teach. It does have it's bright moments. I should stop complaining.
I am currently being told by two districts that interviews for teacher-on-call positions are imminent and that they are mere formalities to being hired. But have no interview date and have not heard from either district in more than a week. In my job search, I am learning that this is part of the dance. They promise, they talk, and then they drop the ball. I pester and pester and pester some more; and a year has gone by.
I usually end these posts with some words of wisdom from the good Book. I don't feel like it... I'm not at peace nor do I feel that my venting has produced any greater understanding or acceptance of my situation. Yet, here I go; this one was in a card from a friend and it may as well be what I end with.
"May the Lord... give you His peace no matter what happens." 2 Thessalonians 3:16 NLT
(I didn't use the ESV because this translation is exactly how I would say it.)
The above verse is a little more comforting as it asks that God's peace be given to you irregardless of what else happens. It's a softer sentiment than;
"May the LORD do what seems good to him." 2 Samuel 10:12
Whether you gain peace from that or not I suppose doesn't matter. I really am not in a good mood.
I don't get it. I have so much guilt about this whole process. I feel guilty for having gone to school and then not finding a job immediately. I feel guilt for seeking work and still not finding any; I mean am I looking hard enough? I feel like I've abandoned my own beliefs and principles by seeking work in the private and independent sector (I never believed in sending my own kids to private or Christian schools, but that's the only place I can find any work. Not only that - I like the environment at these schools. My whole mind-set has been changed in the past year). Not being able to get hired in the school district in which I graduated makes me feel guilty for some odd reason. I feel like a complete joke because I can not break down the public sector brick wall. And this one really gets to me; I feel guilty for using contacts, dropping names, and saying I'll do things like coaching when I don't even know if I want to or can for that matter. I would love to coach... but I feel guilty that I would love to coach. I feel like this whole thing is just one huge ego trip and I'm going to go no where with it because God is not into my ego.
I've said it. This is my biggest fear and doubt about the journey I've been on for the past two and a half years. I was convinced to pursue my certification was the right thing; I was sure that the LORD was putting me on the path ahead. I can still see what God was doing and recall all the confirmations during my year at school. I can see that the Lord has been our provider; Jehovah Jireh. However, the price I've had to pay has been huge; my whole family has had to pay a price. On my good days I feel confident that God was and is at work in it all and that my family and my marriage show the benefits of the road that we are still on. On an average day I'm frustrated and tired of the continual uncertainty. On a bad day, I fall to the ground in despair and feel that I have been duped by my own arrogance that I could change my situation and pursue a career. It seems as if it is all hubris.
I wanted to get a job and just be anonymous; just be another teacher on the list. I really did. If you know me, this may surprise you. I really don't want the pressure of my reputation from days of old glory or thoughts of who my father was as a teacher or even current notions of my supposed ability to teach. I don't want to have to live up to some legend of who someone has turned me into just so I could get on the coveted teacher-on-call list. I wanted to show up for work without any pressure to be something. What I mean is, I didn't want administrators and other teachers expecting something special because I was on the scene. Now it seems that the only way to get a job is to somehow put out there that I bring something that no one else can; that I can take on that basketball team and make it something no one ever imagined; that I can re-vamp the way Social Studies is taught and change the failure rate among grade ten students; I will bring best practice back to Physical Education; I will help the student who is being left behind because I have that special blend of 'cool' and authority wrapped into one; I am the teenage whisperer.
Whatever.
I just wanted a job I was trained to do, a job that I would enjoy, that had decent hours that fit my still growing family, to get paid a good wage, have access to a benefits package and begin putting in my time for a pension. Yet for some reason I feel as if I'm seeking the glory. The glory of what? I'm just teaching high school Gym and Social Studies. Everybody hates those classes.
It was simply too much to expect. Today is a bad day in the midst of a busy six day work streak that will end abruptly and not be picked up again for possibly a month. I don't want to spend another year being on call. It is mind numbing work that makes you not want to teach. It does have it's bright moments. I should stop complaining.
I am currently being told by two districts that interviews for teacher-on-call positions are imminent and that they are mere formalities to being hired. But have no interview date and have not heard from either district in more than a week. In my job search, I am learning that this is part of the dance. They promise, they talk, and then they drop the ball. I pester and pester and pester some more; and a year has gone by.
I usually end these posts with some words of wisdom from the good Book. I don't feel like it... I'm not at peace nor do I feel that my venting has produced any greater understanding or acceptance of my situation. Yet, here I go; this one was in a card from a friend and it may as well be what I end with.
"May the Lord... give you His peace no matter what happens." 2 Thessalonians 3:16 NLT
(I didn't use the ESV because this translation is exactly how I would say it.)
The above verse is a little more comforting as it asks that God's peace be given to you irregardless of what else happens. It's a softer sentiment than;
"May the LORD do what seems good to him." 2 Samuel 10:12
Whether you gain peace from that or not I suppose doesn't matter. I really am not in a good mood.
30.9.10
My parents are not perfect.
Well, duh...
I'm sure I knew that a long time ago; and most people know this about their parents through first hand experience. I will say that I have had much grace for my parents mistakes, character flaws, and consistent bad behaviour. Mainly because it is advantageous for me to do so; but also because it is how I show them respect and honour them as scripture says I should. Now that I am a parent, I pray daily that my children will have the grace and forgiveness of Jesus coursing through their veins in order that they still like me once they leave my house. Surprise, surprise... I'm not a perfect parent either.
All things considered, I have good parents. They are both God fearing, Bible thumping, Jesus loving, education pushing, hard noised disciplinarians, that gave us what we needed, protected us from what we didn't, and offered guidance in the way we should go. As myself and my sisters have grown up, they are still parenting in many ways.
However, considering that myself and my sisters are married with children my parents want too much control in our lives. A transition that should have happened a long time ago, has been delayed by the sheer force of their personalities and our own individual failures in cutting the parental ties. The past five years have been a very slow learning curve that I would say I only woke up to just this past year. As I begin to open my eyes, I realize that this transition is actually long overdue. It is sobering for me to say that the idealized vision of what once was a spotless image to me, now seems old and in need of remodeling. That sounds really bad. But its not. I love my parents. They are the reason for who I am in many ways - not just biologically. I am a product of them and I'm not entirely unhappy about that. However, the delay in dealing with leaving the home and my parents lack of letting go has caused some damage that currently seems overwhelming.
The events of the past five years has exposed this central control that needs to be removed. Now here's where I can get myself into some trouble. I'm going to reveal the under belly of the Klassen family. Dear God, don't let lighting strike me dead. My very fear in talking about this is an indication of the control that is present. The need that we as a family have to appear to be without blemish is strong and binding. It's really unhealthy.
I will try to sum up as briefly as I can. My younger sister moved to Indiana for two and a half years and then ended up 'stuck' living with my parents for two and a half years. My oldest sister and her family pulled away from the family unit for a time, becoming more difficult than usual; conveniently taking the role of 'black sheep'. My closeness with my younger sister increased due to distance; which was good for her and I but exasperated the 'black sheep' branding of my older sister and her family. My marriage nearly imploded on itself and my whole family was hit square in the face with the reality of our dysfunction; no hiding anymore. My husband and I are still recovering, healing, and learning as it seems new revelations take us down new paths every month. I'm not sure when we will fully move beyond our past and embrace a new reconciled future. It also seems that my parents have all but blocked out these events that have changed my marriage forever. All these things have come together to create an environment ripe for the need of support and trust in family. Yet, how do you work it all out and still allow for individuals to be individual? How do you respect each person, love each person, and give each person the freedom to be who God called them and still offer your advice? Can that even be done? Have my sisters and I been able to create our own family with our husbands as the head or have we failed; deferring instead to our father? Have our husbands failed to take the lead not knowing where they fit in? Have my parents infused too much of themselves into our family units? Who's responsibility is it to cut the parental ties? Do we blame my parents for being boundary busters or ourselves for not stopping their invasive behaviour? Is all this really that bad - or are our issues mild and normal things that occur between many parents and adult children?
These are big questions; ones that I can not truly answer definitively.
From my perspective, my sisters and I have not left our roles that once played themselves out when we were growing up. My older sister is a pleaser. She has a need to make them happy; which she never seems to achieve. My younger sister is the attacker. She sees their flaws, points them out and then tries to ensure that they see them and change them. What do I do? I ignore as much as possible. I understood early on, that my parents are dominant and that to get along I had to be quiet and appear to be following the party line. For the most part I did; all my objections and rebellion was kept to myself until I felt that they were not over me any longer. Arguing with an immovable object seemed back then and to this day, to be a waste of my time. So too does trying to please that; since I will either become them in pleasing them or go crazy trying. I suppose my own role is part of being in the middle. I want to keep the peace. I want my family to get along and to enjoy the differences that we all bring to the table.
The way these roles play themselves out now is interesting. My older sister went from pleasing to distance; which makes sense since she couldn't please them and her husband gave up trying to. She's back at it again however; even if it is unconsciously. My younger sister while living with my parents slowly broke them down into a shambles and nearly ruined her relationship with them. Her husband says very little and enjoys a position of safety because she will chop anyone's head off if they come after him. I have struggled to find my way with my parents. Sticking with ignoring them and saying little to oppose their views has created a sense that I agree with all they say and that they still exert control on my decisions. This has set my husband on a collision course with my parents, in particular with my Dad.
This is a bad family picture. It is also my dysfunctional point of view that carries it's own unique bias of being a favoured daughter. My sister's I'm sure have a very different view point. I did lay this out to my younger sister and was not given a comment or argument as to it's validity. But it doesn't matter; this is how I am trying to make sense of what is my family.
Truth be told this is all coming to a head because I have recognized that I have continued to seek advice, support, and approval from my parents in ways that were unhealthy; however beneficial this may have been to me in some circumstances. In the same sense that I did that, my parents also have busted down boundaries and shown little respect for my family unit and the head of our home, my husband; on many occasions encouraging me to go against his wishes. My sister's and I have even discussed the issue of their disrespect for our husband's. It is cloaked in secrecy and has never actually been spoken out boldly by either of our parents; but it has become clear to me that it is commonly known among our extended family and their friends.
My question to myself has been how do I address this? My younger sister has attacked; holding true to who she is. I have admired her ability to knock down their force and make way for her own family to rise up. I have also seen it's cruelty to my parents. Her way has revealed their weakness; a desire for us to love and respect them that drives them to want to reconcile all problems. My younger sister's husband has fared much better than my own due to this tactic. He is well protected and feels secure in his place in our family regardless of what he may know of what Mom and Dad think. His wife has his back and he knows it. Now that they are no longer living with Mom and Dad it seems that things have returned to normal and probably a much healthier normal than what came before. There are boundaries and they are not to be crossed; but what a difficult way to get there. My older sister has floundered as much as I have; going back and forth in her alignment with Mom and Dad. Her desire to please them earlier in her marriage exhausted her husband and he withdrew which damaged their overall relationship with Mom and Dad. There is a gap between not only them and Mom and Dad, but between them and all of us. It seems that she is changing how she goes about this and her husband is finding his way back. They are starting to see that Mom and Dad are old and in need of extra understanding for their ways and habits. Their boundaries seem to be distance and the controlled release of information.
What I'm searching for is a way to create my own way of handling this that is as healthy as I can make it. A perfect relationship between myself and my parents considering my family and my husband is not going to happen at this point. I have to accept that the past has consequences and my husband may never trust them. I have to accept that I can't turn to them for advice without exposing my own need to be affirmed by them and also to make a decision that pleases them and fits their understanding of what I should be. My weakness around my parents is actually that even though I ignore much of what they say and do; I actually want to please them and make them proud as much as my older sister does. If my younger sister is truthful with herself, she wants their approval and pride as well. To know that you have made your parents proud of you is universal among children. Yet, I have a different plan for my life than they have for me. I have dreams of how I want things to be that don't match their ideas. For that matter, God has had a plan for me that all along did not come from them. I have often lacked the courage to inject my ideas into the black hole of the Klassen mind set; I think I'm afraid that I would not pass the test. What is the test? Can who I am exist and be fully realized in full view of my parents without folding into their design and ideas? Can I separate my identity from my family of origin?
It's a complex question that has affected all of who I am. I have tried to allow my children to feel as little as possible the power of my personality. I don't want them to find themselves confused; am I my mother/father or am I myself? Does what they want from me and for me define who I am or does God? Maybe I'm still asking myself these questions. I feel so much guilt in hearing that I am like my dad; and yet at times it has made me feel good. I have felt so belittled when compared to my mom; and yet at times it is a compliment beyond compare.
This all seems like a psychological nightmare, the likes of which I will never truly wake up from until I am with the Lord. At this point I would settle for some peace and understanding. I am seeking to create a safe place for my husband to exist within the framework of my family. I am hoping to instill respect and honour in my children for their elders. I hope to find a way to receive a full blessing from my parents and still retain my unique direction in life. Ultimately, I want to seek to please my Heavenly Father. I'm not sure how all this can be accomplished. Someone is going to be disappointed and someone is going to have to find grace for me and my inability to resolve these issues. I must forsake all others for my husband and be worthy of the calling of Jesus by putting nothing above Him. It gives new meaning to Jesus' words:
"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple."
Luke 14:26
Luke 14:26
27.9.10
I actually wrote this back in March and never posted it. Very timely.
I was driving today. It gave me a chance to think. I listened to some apologetics and some great music. I listened for a moment to my own thoughts and maybe even allowed the very thoughts of God to invade my own harried thinking. Solitude is rare in my life and must be embraced when available.
I have had a couple of weeks of thinking about the ramifications of truly believing a lie. A lie. That makes it sound like an impossible thing for anyone to do. How could someone believe a lie? Wouldn't there be a point in time when you would realize that you'd been duped? The problem is, most of us at some point in time believe a lie that we ourselves have told our own minds. Circumstances and events lead us to believe things that aren't true. We don't talk about them and continue to make our own assumptions and conclusions which seem to have a logical linear route. We only ask ourselves - Why would I be wrong about this? - when confronted with evidence that doesn't seem to line up with the conclusions we've already made. Oh, but that doesn't stop us; we are so much smarter than that. Our skillful depraved hearts just find a way to connect the dots in just the right direction to continue to keep the lie alive. It's more comfortable to believe what we've already believed for so long.
Yeah, I know how to explain it because I've been there. Don't be so surprised. You have too. It's harder to accept it in someone else though. People believing a lie tend to hurt those around them with their insistence on its truth and the blaming that ensues. I think one way to know that you are believing a lie is that most of what you believe about what is going on is that its not your fault; everyone else is to blame for what is happening and for the circumstances that you are in. It can be very subtle. I'm not saying that it's never someone else's fault; often blame really does belong to someone else. Any time someone is made powerless by the acts and words of someone else, abuse is reigning. There in lies another subtlety. Once the victim no longer allows themselves to be victimized, the abuse will stop. However that looks - a complete end to the relationship or healing - the victim actually has some power to do something about it; but blame has to be diminished, understood, and then refocused. Let me explain... The victim will not do anything about their powerlessness if they continue in blame because they are stuck. It begins with the victim blaming themselves irrationally and placing no blame on the abuser. As the victim realizes that they have some power, blame shifts to the abuser for the abuse. This is when the victim now sees that little piece of power they have to change their situation. If they stay in the blame state (it's my fault/it's their fault) they will stay put; stuck because blame leaves no room for action. I suppose that is a very simplistic explanation, but I think it holds some water.
You can't change anything if it's all someone else's fault and you can't do anything if it's all your fault. Blame is big part of believing a lie; no matter how you slice it.
This all got me to thinking about the past and its affect on today. Is there any sense in saying that something shouldn't have happened; that a decision was wrong? Sure. I can see that when something turned out wrong, or bad, or hurt those around you there needs to be responsibility taken for that. It's hard to move forward if the truth is not faced; if forgiveness is not sought and reconciliation has no place. It is said these days that you do the best you can at the time with what you know; you can not blame yourself for the mistakes you made since you didn't know any better. Is that really true? This is relativism at its best. Could not a murderer, one who steals, or an adulterer just claim ignorance and then all would be OK? Where would be justice and how do the wrongs get made right? This is a lie cloaked in nice sounding words and even those who believe in the sovereignty of God can get caught in thinking this way. Is it not true that an all omnipotent omniscient God takes all that is done in your life and brings forth what he had planned all along? Since I believe that God is totally in control, I can not take responsibility for my past wrongs since now they have been made right. Whoa. Something smells funny.
I guess as I thought about believing a lie, this idea of not dwelling on the past and moving forward - recognizing that you've learned from your past, so you must do better; and what to do with blame when wronged and when you've done wrong - needs to be given clarification and explanation that actually makes sense. I don't think I'm there yet; I'm still not able to put into words what it is that needs to be explained. But I think that God is working in my heart and soul on this as my life unfolds in this in-between place that I find myself in. this chapter is not closed and the past that is affecting my future is still percolating as my future has yet to begin the next phase.
Yeah, I know... it's complicated.
This passage helps me;
2 Corinthians 5:11-6:10
Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade others. But what we are is known to God, and I hope it is known also to your conscience. We are not commending ourselves to you again but giving you cause to boast about us, so that you may be able to answer those who boast about outward appearance and not about what is in the heart. For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.
"In a favourable time I listened to you,
and in a day of salvation I have helped you."
Behold, now is the favorable time; behold, now is the day of salvation. We put no obstacle in anyone’s way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.
I was driving today. It gave me a chance to think. I listened to some apologetics and some great music. I listened for a moment to my own thoughts and maybe even allowed the very thoughts of God to invade my own harried thinking. Solitude is rare in my life and must be embraced when available.
I have had a couple of weeks of thinking about the ramifications of truly believing a lie. A lie. That makes it sound like an impossible thing for anyone to do. How could someone believe a lie? Wouldn't there be a point in time when you would realize that you'd been duped? The problem is, most of us at some point in time believe a lie that we ourselves have told our own minds. Circumstances and events lead us to believe things that aren't true. We don't talk about them and continue to make our own assumptions and conclusions which seem to have a logical linear route. We only ask ourselves - Why would I be wrong about this? - when confronted with evidence that doesn't seem to line up with the conclusions we've already made. Oh, but that doesn't stop us; we are so much smarter than that. Our skillful depraved hearts just find a way to connect the dots in just the right direction to continue to keep the lie alive. It's more comfortable to believe what we've already believed for so long.
Yeah, I know how to explain it because I've been there. Don't be so surprised. You have too. It's harder to accept it in someone else though. People believing a lie tend to hurt those around them with their insistence on its truth and the blaming that ensues. I think one way to know that you are believing a lie is that most of what you believe about what is going on is that its not your fault; everyone else is to blame for what is happening and for the circumstances that you are in. It can be very subtle. I'm not saying that it's never someone else's fault; often blame really does belong to someone else. Any time someone is made powerless by the acts and words of someone else, abuse is reigning. There in lies another subtlety. Once the victim no longer allows themselves to be victimized, the abuse will stop. However that looks - a complete end to the relationship or healing - the victim actually has some power to do something about it; but blame has to be diminished, understood, and then refocused. Let me explain... The victim will not do anything about their powerlessness if they continue in blame because they are stuck. It begins with the victim blaming themselves irrationally and placing no blame on the abuser. As the victim realizes that they have some power, blame shifts to the abuser for the abuse. This is when the victim now sees that little piece of power they have to change their situation. If they stay in the blame state (it's my fault/it's their fault) they will stay put; stuck because blame leaves no room for action. I suppose that is a very simplistic explanation, but I think it holds some water.
You can't change anything if it's all someone else's fault and you can't do anything if it's all your fault. Blame is big part of believing a lie; no matter how you slice it.
This all got me to thinking about the past and its affect on today. Is there any sense in saying that something shouldn't have happened; that a decision was wrong? Sure. I can see that when something turned out wrong, or bad, or hurt those around you there needs to be responsibility taken for that. It's hard to move forward if the truth is not faced; if forgiveness is not sought and reconciliation has no place. It is said these days that you do the best you can at the time with what you know; you can not blame yourself for the mistakes you made since you didn't know any better. Is that really true? This is relativism at its best. Could not a murderer, one who steals, or an adulterer just claim ignorance and then all would be OK? Where would be justice and how do the wrongs get made right? This is a lie cloaked in nice sounding words and even those who believe in the sovereignty of God can get caught in thinking this way. Is it not true that an all omnipotent omniscient God takes all that is done in your life and brings forth what he had planned all along? Since I believe that God is totally in control, I can not take responsibility for my past wrongs since now they have been made right. Whoa. Something smells funny.
I guess as I thought about believing a lie, this idea of not dwelling on the past and moving forward - recognizing that you've learned from your past, so you must do better; and what to do with blame when wronged and when you've done wrong - needs to be given clarification and explanation that actually makes sense. I don't think I'm there yet; I'm still not able to put into words what it is that needs to be explained. But I think that God is working in my heart and soul on this as my life unfolds in this in-between place that I find myself in. this chapter is not closed and the past that is affecting my future is still percolating as my future has yet to begin the next phase.
Yeah, I know... it's complicated.
This passage helps me;
2 Corinthians 5:11-6:10
Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade others. But what we are is known to God, and I hope it is known also to your conscience. We are not commending ourselves to you again but giving you cause to boast about us, so that you may be able to answer those who boast about outward appearance and not about what is in the heart. For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.
From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
Working together with him, then, we appeal to you not to receive the grace of God in vain. For he says,"In a favourable time I listened to you,
and in a day of salvation I have helped you."
Behold, now is the favorable time; behold, now is the day of salvation. We put no obstacle in anyone’s way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.
6.9.10
I was alone the other day at a Starbucks. As I sat there reading and writing - I'm currently writing down all the great things said in a book about anger - it struck me, no one knows where I am. I had been at a wedding that afternoon and was going to head home in between the ceremony and the reception but I decided not to drive all the way back from Vancouver. So I found a local SB and got the cheapest coffee they have and a sandwich. I had thought far enough in advance to bring my books and Bible so I would have something to do.
I must have been there for forty five minutes before I realized that no one knew where I was. The husband was still at work, the kids were at home thinking I was at a wedding. I wouldn't be meeting the husband until the reception two hours from now. I stopped writing and looked out the window, my pen frozen in my hand; no one knows where you are. I should turn off my cell phone, I thought; but I didn't (I did turn the ringer off). Putting the pen down I focused on the activity outside. The Starbucks was right by a bus stop across the street from the Broadway Skytrain Station. People were coming and going; across the street it appeared that deals were being made as I saw people exchange secret items from hand to hand. The 'patio' outside was only occupied by a lone regal native man (I noticed his earrings and necklace that looked handcrafted) and a couple of other dark ethnic men chatting loudly in the corner. Inside the tables created their own little places of intimacy as groups surrounded them; a couple at one table huddled around a laptop; a group of students discussing and sharing their papers at another; old friends in the corner; and the big comfy chairs occupied by a loud group of men who came and went like it was their office; and me, all dressed up with my book bag and fancy purse. It was a busy spot, lots of people coming in and leaving with their order. How had I missed all the activity when I first came in?
Why was being alone - and no one knowing where I was - so... well, great!? It really was great. The moment wasn't lost on me either; I felt it and its intensity was surprising. For seventeen years I have been a mother. I don't think that since I had my first child that I have been somewhere and not made sure that everyone knew where I was or that I had my kids with me. I was even tempted to call home and let the kids know where I was and that I would be going to the wedding reception at five. I stopped myself from doing it. No one needs to know where you are; you have a cell phone and you are not in danger.
Being truly alone is a gift. It's not about being lonely. I'm not lonely. No one was there to interrupt my thoughts, what I might want to do next was my decision, I could invite someone into my space or I could sit alone. Even in the busy spot I could hear what the Spirit may be saying to me. I could contemplate what Jesus wanted me to get from the book I was looking at, what Jesus was wanting me to do in the coming months ahead. I could watch the people and observe, not judging or missing any of it because of someone else's presence. I went back to my book briefly and then found myself merely staring at the page not really reading or writing anything; looking up out the window and slowly drinking my coffee. There was peace in that busy place because I was alone and no one knew where I was.
I have to do that again.
I must have been there for forty five minutes before I realized that no one knew where I was. The husband was still at work, the kids were at home thinking I was at a wedding. I wouldn't be meeting the husband until the reception two hours from now. I stopped writing and looked out the window, my pen frozen in my hand; no one knows where you are. I should turn off my cell phone, I thought; but I didn't (I did turn the ringer off). Putting the pen down I focused on the activity outside. The Starbucks was right by a bus stop across the street from the Broadway Skytrain Station. People were coming and going; across the street it appeared that deals were being made as I saw people exchange secret items from hand to hand. The 'patio' outside was only occupied by a lone regal native man (I noticed his earrings and necklace that looked handcrafted) and a couple of other dark ethnic men chatting loudly in the corner. Inside the tables created their own little places of intimacy as groups surrounded them; a couple at one table huddled around a laptop; a group of students discussing and sharing their papers at another; old friends in the corner; and the big comfy chairs occupied by a loud group of men who came and went like it was their office; and me, all dressed up with my book bag and fancy purse. It was a busy spot, lots of people coming in and leaving with their order. How had I missed all the activity when I first came in?
Why was being alone - and no one knowing where I was - so... well, great!? It really was great. The moment wasn't lost on me either; I felt it and its intensity was surprising. For seventeen years I have been a mother. I don't think that since I had my first child that I have been somewhere and not made sure that everyone knew where I was or that I had my kids with me. I was even tempted to call home and let the kids know where I was and that I would be going to the wedding reception at five. I stopped myself from doing it. No one needs to know where you are; you have a cell phone and you are not in danger.
Being truly alone is a gift. It's not about being lonely. I'm not lonely. No one was there to interrupt my thoughts, what I might want to do next was my decision, I could invite someone into my space or I could sit alone. Even in the busy spot I could hear what the Spirit may be saying to me. I could contemplate what Jesus wanted me to get from the book I was looking at, what Jesus was wanting me to do in the coming months ahead. I could watch the people and observe, not judging or missing any of it because of someone else's presence. I went back to my book briefly and then found myself merely staring at the page not really reading or writing anything; looking up out the window and slowly drinking my coffee. There was peace in that busy place because I was alone and no one knew where I was.
I have to do that again.
31.3.10
The most important things about me are not my successes but my failures. If you knew nothing of who I was except for where I had fallen down and had to get back up, you would know the most about my life, my character, and my relationship with my saviour Jesus Christ.
Problem is that doesn't work on a resume.
More to come later...
Problem is that doesn't work on a resume.
More to come later...
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