Switchfoot
Ooh, your love is a symphony
All around me, running to me
Ooh, your love is a melody
Underneath me, and into me
Song lyrics always get me...
23.7.16
21.7.16
Big Girls Are Best
It's my mom's 70th birthday today. We're having a big party for her at her newly renovated house with family and friends. It's kind of a big deal. Reflecting on my mom, just like my dad... she has influenced me in very big ways. I have BIG parents with huge personality and my mom is not to be overshadowed by her larger than life husband. The older I get, the more I realize how great my mom truly is.
My mom became a nurse back when that's what you did if you were a woman. She was determined to go away on missions if her relationship with my dad didn't result in marriage... that's what she has always told us anyway. She worked hard as a nurse, but I think she worked harder at home. When we were growing up she had a name for herself while she cleaned gutters, gardened, painted, and fixed everything up around our house - she was Edith the German maintenance lady. While I was playing in the yard... she was on the roof doing something. I asked her a question... and she responded in German to me, then said that my mom wasn't home in a thick accent! Seriously funny! I think it may have only happened once, but I loved it! She has always taken pride in her home and garden.
When my dad decided to leave teaching and become a pastor, he waited for my mom to agree to the idea for a whole year before they moved forward with it. She gave up a lot of her time, energy, and privacy to follow my dad into the ministry. She has done everything in the church from nursery, to coffee service, to playing the piano, to ladies bible study. Her hospitality is unmatched by any other pastor's wife I know. She should teach a course on how to support your husband in the ministry, because there are a ton of women out there that have no idea what they're doing.
My mom always worked; night shifts, day shifts and would sleep strange hours. I remember her vacuuming at 2am and her being asleep when we'd leave for school. She taught me to cook, sew, clean, do laundry, take time to read, work hard, take care of my own things and label them, make a house look like a home, be present, how to camp and do it well, get dirty, be a lady, be kind, stand tall, exercise to feel good, eat well, dress well, be a problem solver, invite others in, treat people from all over like family, and bring all my troubles to Jesus.
My mom is big. I don't mean in size, I mean in life. She is what U2 means when they sing "Big Girls Are Best".
She's not on her back, she's the glue, she keeps it all together.
She feels every sensation and has a smile like salvation.
And we know... she's a sexy momma ;)
She's political, spiritual, she's not superficial...
I love my mom. She's part of why I'm so BIG.
Big Girls Are Best - U2
My mom became a nurse back when that's what you did if you were a woman. She was determined to go away on missions if her relationship with my dad didn't result in marriage... that's what she has always told us anyway. She worked hard as a nurse, but I think she worked harder at home. When we were growing up she had a name for herself while she cleaned gutters, gardened, painted, and fixed everything up around our house - she was Edith the German maintenance lady. While I was playing in the yard... she was on the roof doing something. I asked her a question... and she responded in German to me, then said that my mom wasn't home in a thick accent! Seriously funny! I think it may have only happened once, but I loved it! She has always taken pride in her home and garden.
When my dad decided to leave teaching and become a pastor, he waited for my mom to agree to the idea for a whole year before they moved forward with it. She gave up a lot of her time, energy, and privacy to follow my dad into the ministry. She has done everything in the church from nursery, to coffee service, to playing the piano, to ladies bible study. Her hospitality is unmatched by any other pastor's wife I know. She should teach a course on how to support your husband in the ministry, because there are a ton of women out there that have no idea what they're doing.
My mom always worked; night shifts, day shifts and would sleep strange hours. I remember her vacuuming at 2am and her being asleep when we'd leave for school. She taught me to cook, sew, clean, do laundry, take time to read, work hard, take care of my own things and label them, make a house look like a home, be present, how to camp and do it well, get dirty, be a lady, be kind, stand tall, exercise to feel good, eat well, dress well, be a problem solver, invite others in, treat people from all over like family, and bring all my troubles to Jesus.
My mom is big. I don't mean in size, I mean in life. She is what U2 means when they sing "Big Girls Are Best".
She's not on her back, she's the glue, she keeps it all together.
She feels every sensation and has a smile like salvation.
And we know... she's a sexy momma ;)
She's political, spiritual, she's not superficial...
I love my mom. She's part of why I'm so BIG.
Big Girls Are Best - U2
15.7.16
Other-centeredness = love
... marriage is the ultimate human relationship where love fully replaces law.
Bruxy Cavey
He says also that no one ever writes rules into their wedding vows about physical or verbal abuse (or any form of abuse for that matter), because the relationship is love-based rather than law-based. Love fulfills all moral and ethical responsibilities toward one another. (Bruxy Cavey & N. Kenneth Rideout)
I read that back in 2011; before I understood, before anything really changed. It wasn't underlined or highlighted until today... because today I'm not ashamed of what happened. Today, I want to be able to walk into a relationship where love fully replaces law.
Bruxy goes on further to say...
... when exiting a marriage, everything changes. When a divorce occurs, people's orientation is away from their partner, so the details of law take center stage. Law and love are two entirely different ways of being, analogous to the difference between marriage vows and separation agreements.
The law has left me empty, tired, and broke.
I'm ready for love to fill me, wake me up, and bring me true wealth.
My dad quoted something from a Charles Price devotional that I liked .... 'for this I have Jesus'. When someone asks you how you've moved on, or carried the burden, or manage to smile despite the pain, or work so hard when so much is falling apart, or take on more challenges when you seem to have too many, or even have a hopeful attitude in this crazy world... simply say 'For this I have Jesus'. What you're really saying is 'for this I have love'. But it's greater than that because it's supernatural, it's not dependant on your human ability to feel love. Instead it's the supernatural love that moves, acts, behaves, and embraces; sometimes despite how you feel. It's not just romantic love, its so much bigger than that. I feel like that should replace the old and tired statement of 'what would Jesus do'. We need Jesus to show up and do it for us! Jesus loves.... our world, our relationships, need more of that.
I feel like we are so bogged down by egocentric issues that even in our desire to love more we get it wrong. We take the command to love your neighbour as yourself and say we must first love ourselves. Jesus' command assumes self love as a foundational reality; we will do anything to make ourselves more comfortable and feel better. We naturally think about ourselves all the time. Jesus is challenging us to move our self-centeredness to other-centeredness. As long as we are oriented toward one another in other-centered love, no one has to become a rules or systems manager. (from Bruxy Cavey too... :)
But yes, we need law to govern our societies because people do not love automatically as they should... and again, just as Bruxy says. But maybe one relationship at a time, we can be other-centered. It's interesting to me because our world is kind of begging for this right now. I just heard a comedian basically quote what Jesus says... love your enemies... and then he gives the same reason scripture gives in Romans 12:20 and Proverbs 25:22 - in showing love you will heap burning coals on the head of your enemy - in a much more crass way he says instead... you'll make them look like the asshole. So, don't be the asshole.
Watch Jim Jefferies here Jim Jefferies - Trump 2016
I feel like this post has gone a little all over the place.... I started with the example of marriage and love in a culture where marriage is not valued and has been redefined by many. My own marriage did not fall under the definition that I have explained in this post, and yet I still believe marriage should be that and that we should aspire to that. I want all my relationships (with my children, my friends, my co-workers, my boss, my neighbours) to be other-centered so that they work and grow in mutual respect. I can't fix every relationship out there that could or may be causing pain, grief, struggle, death, destruction, and fear. No one can. We can only start by loving someone right in front of us.
I guess when I say I'm ready for love to fill me up, wake me up, and give me true wealth, I think our world is ripe for that too. We need to talk about Jesus to people... He is love. For this I have Jesus. Stop saying God, it's not specific enough, and for most it leaves you feeling heavy with your own burdens of who God is and the destructive power of religion. Jesus isn't religion, he's relationship; he's the full revelation of who God is. For (you fill in the blank) I have Jesus.
On a personal note.... I am in the throws of love these days.... feeling that gives me hope and has changed my perspective. It is also preoccupying my mind! As Song of Solomon says in chapter 2:3-7, he is like an apple tree and I am sitting in his shadow, his fruit is sweet to my taste... but I need to be sustained with something else and let it unfold at it's proper pace. For this... I have Jesus... lol
Bruxy Cavey
He says also that no one ever writes rules into their wedding vows about physical or verbal abuse (or any form of abuse for that matter), because the relationship is love-based rather than law-based. Love fulfills all moral and ethical responsibilities toward one another. (Bruxy Cavey & N. Kenneth Rideout)
I read that back in 2011; before I understood, before anything really changed. It wasn't underlined or highlighted until today... because today I'm not ashamed of what happened. Today, I want to be able to walk into a relationship where love fully replaces law.
Bruxy goes on further to say...
... when exiting a marriage, everything changes. When a divorce occurs, people's orientation is away from their partner, so the details of law take center stage. Law and love are two entirely different ways of being, analogous to the difference between marriage vows and separation agreements.
The law has left me empty, tired, and broke.
I'm ready for love to fill me, wake me up, and bring me true wealth.
My dad quoted something from a Charles Price devotional that I liked .... 'for this I have Jesus'. When someone asks you how you've moved on, or carried the burden, or manage to smile despite the pain, or work so hard when so much is falling apart, or take on more challenges when you seem to have too many, or even have a hopeful attitude in this crazy world... simply say 'For this I have Jesus'. What you're really saying is 'for this I have love'. But it's greater than that because it's supernatural, it's not dependant on your human ability to feel love. Instead it's the supernatural love that moves, acts, behaves, and embraces; sometimes despite how you feel. It's not just romantic love, its so much bigger than that. I feel like that should replace the old and tired statement of 'what would Jesus do'. We need Jesus to show up and do it for us! Jesus loves.... our world, our relationships, need more of that.
I feel like we are so bogged down by egocentric issues that even in our desire to love more we get it wrong. We take the command to love your neighbour as yourself and say we must first love ourselves. Jesus' command assumes self love as a foundational reality; we will do anything to make ourselves more comfortable and feel better. We naturally think about ourselves all the time. Jesus is challenging us to move our self-centeredness to other-centeredness. As long as we are oriented toward one another in other-centered love, no one has to become a rules or systems manager. (from Bruxy Cavey too... :)
But yes, we need law to govern our societies because people do not love automatically as they should... and again, just as Bruxy says. But maybe one relationship at a time, we can be other-centered. It's interesting to me because our world is kind of begging for this right now. I just heard a comedian basically quote what Jesus says... love your enemies... and then he gives the same reason scripture gives in Romans 12:20 and Proverbs 25:22 - in showing love you will heap burning coals on the head of your enemy - in a much more crass way he says instead... you'll make them look like the asshole. So, don't be the asshole.
Watch Jim Jefferies here Jim Jefferies - Trump 2016
I feel like this post has gone a little all over the place.... I started with the example of marriage and love in a culture where marriage is not valued and has been redefined by many. My own marriage did not fall under the definition that I have explained in this post, and yet I still believe marriage should be that and that we should aspire to that. I want all my relationships (with my children, my friends, my co-workers, my boss, my neighbours) to be other-centered so that they work and grow in mutual respect. I can't fix every relationship out there that could or may be causing pain, grief, struggle, death, destruction, and fear. No one can. We can only start by loving someone right in front of us.
I guess when I say I'm ready for love to fill me up, wake me up, and give me true wealth, I think our world is ripe for that too. We need to talk about Jesus to people... He is love. For this I have Jesus. Stop saying God, it's not specific enough, and for most it leaves you feeling heavy with your own burdens of who God is and the destructive power of religion. Jesus isn't religion, he's relationship; he's the full revelation of who God is. For (you fill in the blank) I have Jesus.
On a personal note.... I am in the throws of love these days.... feeling that gives me hope and has changed my perspective. It is also preoccupying my mind! As Song of Solomon says in chapter 2:3-7, he is like an apple tree and I am sitting in his shadow, his fruit is sweet to my taste... but I need to be sustained with something else and let it unfold at it's proper pace. For this... I have Jesus... lol
10.7.16
Hold Hands
At the end of the day, when I'm tired and have spent my time doing what I've been called to do, I want to hold someone's hand who I know loves me; even if I failed that day to do it right.
18.6.16
He rejoices over me...
My birthday was this past Friday, June 17th. I am a 'member'
of an FB page called Knowing Christ 365. Pastor Kevin posts a verse every
morning. It's become my daily verse and at times I even use it as a devotional
for myself and students. On my birthday, the verse was something special to me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my
power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly
of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
This was my verse for the day I was baptized back in 1987.
It seems that Jesus continually reminds me that I am strong when I am weak,
that I am strong in him and my weaknesses are really there for that purpose. I
used to think that I was being reminded constantly of my arrogance and how I
need to lower my head and put away my pride. It felt as if Jesus was
reprimanding me every time I'd find myself seeing or hearing 2 Corinthians
12:9. But it didn't this time at all.
On Friday when I read the verse I just felt incredibly known
and loved. Jesus is paying attention to me and is invested in what I'm doing
and feeling. He knows my past, sees what I'm dealing with now, and wants to be
intimately involved in what I'm doing, thinking, deciding, and worried about.
This time I read the verse and I was reminded that in times when I am
inadequate for the task, overwhelmed by all the work, and under pressure to
perform, that's when he's there to shine for me. It is precisely when he is
most present, when I understand my own inability to measure up even to my own
standards for strength.
I was reminded on my birthday that Jesus remembers me. He
knows that verse is a reminder of my baptism, he knows that I am feeling weak,
tired, and ineffective. I felt known, heard, loved, cherished, and consoled.
The creator of the world, died for me, rose from the dead for me, and he is
more than just watching me walk through my life. He is intimately involved in
my life. What an awesome gift!
He wants to be intimately involved in your life too.
The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who
will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his
love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.
Zephaniah 3:17
15.6.16
It's New Year's Day... 45!
They tell me the best in life is free
And I feel spent so I guess it means that the best is mine
But it doesn’t seem so
While I’m out here confessing things
All last year got the best of me
And I’m not sure I’m ready for another go
It’s New Year’s Day
Euphoria’s gone, it’s time to move on
I have to believe we can change
When the notes come out wrong
Stop singing along
We can’t be the same old thing
It’s New Year’s Day
I’m tearing down the past years off the wall (it’s New
Year’s Day)
I’m coming at you like a wrecking ball (it’s New Year’s Day)
And I think I’m gonna make it after all
It’s New Year’s Day
~Switchfoot
I did it today... my name is no longer Hankey but back to
Klassen. It was so easy. I felt fine, or thought I did. But it seems each time I shed something of my marriage, there is
grief. As I pulled into my driveway when I arrived home, I ended up sitting in my car and crying. Over
twenty years of being Maria Hankey; getting used to signing my name that way,
being called 'Mrs. Hankey' and not cringing, and identifying with a
different family. Now it's just done. No fan fare. Just back to Klassen
(although there are many cards, banks, companies, and organizations that now need to be notified lol). When I became a teacher back in 2009, I regretted taking on
my married name; no one knew who I was anymore. All my athletic success and
contacts in the school districts only knew me as Klassen. However, for most of my adult
life I've been Hankey; most of my university education, my early coaching career, my children, and work history have all been done in my married name. I assume that many of my students will still call me
'Hankey' and I won't be upset, it's really not a problem. It's a part of who I am; it connects me to a
family, to my children, to my past. After twenty years of a marriage that
slowly deteriorated into an emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive mess,
I decided to shed the name as a symbol of something new yet old. Me reborn and
on a journey into what is ahead. Earlier today, I told my boyfriend that he should
be writing down his journey through 15 European
countries in 60 days so he has a record of where he went and what he did. So,
I'm writing here again to record my journey; which I need to do more often.
Yeah, my boyfriend... never thought I'd say that again. This is what it is to be 45 and starting over.
Yeah, my boyfriend... never thought I'd say that again. This is what it is to be 45 and starting over.
I started this post quoting a Switchfoot song, because it captures what is in my head. There's been a lot of change and this year has punched me in the gut. As
I head toward my forty-fifth birthday, I'm feeling somewhat nostalgic and
reflective. It's New Year's Day for me. It's also the half way point in my One Word for 2016 journey. I haven't been much of a 'warrior' it seems, but I've been wrong before about how well I'm doing with my word choice. There's just so much in my head, so much to process! I'm feeling good again and finding that my passions are changing and what I want for my future is evolving. I read my last post from December of 2015 - Grieving my Divorce - and it's good to see that I'm moving forward from that place. My oldest son revealed to me that the changes in me are not hidden; he's feeling it, experiencing it, and he's confused. Apparently, I'm doing and saying things he never expected. "What have you done with my mother!?" LOL I have to laugh at that! I guess I thought this was all going undetected, but it's not. I'm reshaping and it's showing. I'm very excited about that! It ignites in me! Anything is possible! And that's a good thing.
I have a bunch of things to process, so hang on, it's going to be long.
The elephant in the room when it comes to money is that my ex is not paying child support and that I have gone into debt trying to legally do something about it. I'm still in the process and it won't be finished up until December, and that's just an estimate from my lawyer. The whole issue around that makes me feel stupid; like how could I let this happen? How dumb am I to have had such a negligent lawyer in the first place, let agreements be made that weren't properly prepared, and let a judge and the whole process intimidate me. I cannot fix this problem. I have to let it go... and that is the path I'm choosing. I'm letting it go. Should justice be done? Of course... but I cannot bear that burden any longer. True justice is not of this world anyway.
So, lets not talk about the elephant in the room.
I don't make a lot of money, but it will get better from here. I've never been motivated by money, or making money. Raising my kids financially on my own these past two years has however put me in the hole. I would say I worry about it, but that wouldn't be accurate. I freak out about it! But only once in a while... then I pray, go to work, get busy with life, spend money, and just live. Then I freak out again, and find myself on my knees asking God to protect me financially. I do not lose sleep over it though. If I'm honest, I don't have a real clear financial plan. I'm thankful I have a pension, an investment, a tax free savings account that actually still has money in it, good credit, a job, and parents that are willing to help me for a little while. The money I spent on taking my kids to Kauai was the best money I ever spent. I wish I had stayed longer and spent more, done more. What I am really sure of now more than ever is I want to do things. I am confident that I can find a way to make it happen. I have always been able to pay for what I need, and even what I want sometimes. I am slowly getting rid of the stuff that holds me down; I sold my house and I don't think I'll ever own property again; sold my van; sold my tent trailer; and I want to start the process of reducing everything else so that eventually I could live without most of it. At this point, my children are still the priority, so all this stuff is necessary and my debt may increase. Urgh... but it is what it is and it will come to an end. I'm glad that the goals I have are not connected to purchasing more stuff, but investing in people and experiences.
I want to teach abroad, or coach abroad. Maybe in Uganda or Ghana. Maybe head back to Asia, Taiwan in particular. It would be interesting to try and find some of the students I coached back in 1991. I wonder if I could do that? Maybe I'll go to Vietnam or the Philippines. I even thought about going to teach in Kauai... that would seriously be great... but I think I'd have trouble working in that environment lol. I want to go to Mexico and Columbia. I'd like to go to orphanages and teach, or build a house for someone who has nothing, or spend a year working in a community somewhere that needs strong leaders in education. I want to go on missions again and experience the joy and purpose of bringing spiritual hope to those who don't know Jesus. I'd like to travel to Greece and Italy, and sit on the beaches in Nice, France. I'd like to get to Australia someday. I could go to New Zealand to see my old basketball coach from Grade 8 and 9; I'm sure he'd welcome me for a visit. I used to want to travel across North American with a fifth wheel and camp all along the way. I've thought of seeing if I could join disaster relief with MCC (Mennonite Central Committee) and go where the needs are. I just want to go. At first I thought this pull to get out of here was just wanting to escape. I have reasons to want to escape. With the lack of passion I've had this year, I really just wanted to get away from everything that seemed to be stuck on repeat in my life here in BC. I know, wherever I go, there I am. I know that travelling and teaching abroad is not going to change any of my 'problems'. But I don't want to focus on them anymore. My problems are not that bad. Maybe they're more like opportunities for growth... but I'm still in a holding pattern. I'm waiting for my youngest to grow up. It's not that far away. And I'm not old. I feel pretty good too... I hope and pray that my health can hang on for another 3-5 years. As I type this I think, why wait? I should go in the summers. I should hit the road on Spring Break and Christmas Break. I should sign up for short term missions. I should fly to the Grand Canyon and take that road trip down the Oregon Coast. I think I'm going to take my future and make it now. I want to embrace things now. I started seeking experiences right where I live a long time ago through camping and hiking and I've rediscovered it lately. This summer, I'm going to go see my cousins in Seattle, go to a concert, zip line in Whistler, paddle board on Alice Lake and Cultus, hike the Grouse Grind again, kayak from Deep Cove and with Dana:), picnic at Derby Reach Park and have a fire, and discover some new hiking trails with Stephany. I'm thankful this past year for my sister and her hubby for reminding me that I may not be able to leave the country right now, but I can enjoy the place I live, because it's pretty great. We'll have to go on a few epic city tours this July and discover the next great place to eat and drink. ;)
It's been said that I'm a good teacher, an excellent coach. I don't know who those people are, but it's been said. This year, and even last year, it seems that this is just puffed up hype so that I can keep my job. Now, I'm very aware that I'm being negative and that this kind of talk is really counter productive. Considering that my One Word for 2012 was Attitude, you'd think I'd have learned my lesson about how my negative attitude was holding me back from truly being in the zone and being happy (which was my Word for 2013 lol). But it seems its a battle that I just have to keep fighting. What I've discovered this year is that as I strive for excellence, so that I can be an accomplished teacher and a good coach, I need to work in my strengths. I do better when I collaborate, when I share my ideas, when I borrow the wisdom of others, and when I lead from my passion. My passion... that has been what I have somehow thrown a blanket on over the past year. I have felt as if I've been muffled. Stuck, tired, frustrated, ill prepared, and often lacking creativity. I've been numbing my emotions. Numbing my need for connection, for relationship, to once again be vulnerable, and it actually affected my work. While I was married, my girlfriends had become my safe place to be free without censoring myself. I am able to be vulnerable with them without fear and shame. I could do that because they never took advantage of my weakness. In my work place at the Elementary campus I had found safe people and lead from my imperfect authentic self. But in my last year teaching Grade 5, there was a shift in administration and the safety net seemingly developed some holes. I lost my safe place and the trust I'd been given by the previous principal - in my abilities to teach, deal with parents, work with students, and make decisions - diminished somewhat. Last summer, I coached two teams and the loss of my footing at work set me off and I felt completely incapable of coaching well. It was an emotional summer... but miraculously, my teams did well and the girls and I bonded and learned. As I've moved on to the High School, with a new principal and staff members to get to know, its been rough. I still haven't found my sweet spot. So, how do you get your passion back and become focused again? I thought I would try dating. As you know, it's not going to turn out well.
Dating is, well... I found this quote on Facebook... yeah, no, I'm not getting my wisdom from social media, but it was funny. So here it is... Dating after 40 is easy. It's like riding a bike. But the bike is on fire. And the ground is on fire. Everything is on fire. Because you're in hell.
Yup, that pretty much sums it up. I had been asked out by numerous men prior to my decision to check it out, but they were all bottom feeders who knew I had just left my husband and had seemingly been waiting for that to happen. I never said yes to any of them. Then this past September, I had a conversation with a young twenty something co-worker who talked about dating Apps, and so the journey began. I should have known that doing what women in their twenties are doing would be overwhelming. I got so many messages and likes and matches that I didn't have time to look at them. I ended up in ridiculous conversations with 'boys' who wanted the full cougar treatment and grown men who couldn't handle my busy schedule. I was stood up and ended up at a house party; I danced with many a dud; texted with a guy from Seattle who tried to talk to me about my daddy issues; and discovered I was one of two women being auditioned by another gentlemen. Was I on the bachelor? I found that the same struggle with boundaries around physicality existed for me even in my forties. I had only stuck my head into the dating scene for two months and I was exhausted with it. I gave it up. This of course didn't last... because through this process, although really not great, I still discovered that I really missed men and wanted to be back in connection with one. I just only wanted one. All the fun I thought I was having, I wasn't having and I didn't want any part of that whole ridiculous scene. I'm crazy, but not insane. What I learned, and thankfully pretty quickly, is what I wanted and what I didn't want. I learned that I want relationship, connection, company, sex, passion, trust, love, familiarity, support, and just enough difference that we affect one another in a positive way; and I wanted all this my way, on my schedule, with my boundaries. Seemed pretty simple on paper. I got real clear when I'd meet someone and when it became clear it wasn't what I wanted, I moved on. I lifted this up to my Jesus and hoped I wasn't being too selfish or godless about what I was doing. But I'm old and I couldn't be that pie in the sky twenty year old who thinks it will all work out when I know it doesn't. I actually didn't really think that any of this was possible. I know that love is not easy. Love is trouble, rebellious, controversial, and requires a heart of forgiveness and arms of grace. I have been deeply wounded by relationship. But I have to believe that it's still worth it to be vulnerable. I have to believe it for my children, who still have the chance to do it well. I have to believe it for myself, or I will miss out on something wonderful. I thought I could just love my students, love the athletes I coach, love my kids, love my co-workers, my family and friends, love teaching... but it seems I want more. I've prayed that I would find a way to be satisfied as a single woman. Maybe I will. In the meantime, I hope that the journey includes a lifelong connection with a man who can be truly connected to a woman who is too much for most and worth all the trouble.
My One Word for 2016, Warrior, has been on the back burner in my mind since probably February. I've been preoccupied with struggling at work and not feeling like I'm conquering. I am still taking the battle field to prayer, but I seem to daily get stuck in the mud of procrastination, negativity, and frustration. It hasn't helped that my co-workers are feeling the very same things. Teachers are terrible for complaining together instead of uplifting one another. It's not very warrior like at all and I hate complainers. I am committed at this point, with six months left in 2016, to be a warrior who tackles complaints with the sword of the spirit which is truth. A warrior who acts in faith that the plans made and the gifts given to me will be sufficient for the task. A warrior who is ready with the right equipment to take on what's ahead. I've had somewhat of an awakening in the past couple of months. A new perspective from an outside source (hmmm.... I wonder who that could be... ;) always helps. It's like this warrior has received intel on the enemy from someone on the other side of the battle. I feel like I have some new weapons and a new ally to help me get where I'm going. Full steam ahead! :)
Back to the song that I posted the lyrics for... New Year's Day. I think it touches on all the things that are glancing off me on a funny angle at this point in life. I'm confessing that it hasn't been a smooth ride and that I feel spent; yet the hope of a future is sprouting out of the chaos. I need to finish my parenting job... who am I kidding!! That's never really done. I don't want to move forward so fast, that I miss the lessons and beauty right here, right where I am and live. I'm still dismantling the past, but I have come to a better place that has a clearer view of the future. The euphoria of my new life is definitely gone, but I will get back in the zone.
I need to move on out of this reflective place because I have work to do. I think I may come back and change this or add to it later, but for now... I've got to go.
I have a bunch of things to process, so hang on, it's going to be long.
The elephant in the room when it comes to money is that my ex is not paying child support and that I have gone into debt trying to legally do something about it. I'm still in the process and it won't be finished up until December, and that's just an estimate from my lawyer. The whole issue around that makes me feel stupid; like how could I let this happen? How dumb am I to have had such a negligent lawyer in the first place, let agreements be made that weren't properly prepared, and let a judge and the whole process intimidate me. I cannot fix this problem. I have to let it go... and that is the path I'm choosing. I'm letting it go. Should justice be done? Of course... but I cannot bear that burden any longer. True justice is not of this world anyway.
So, lets not talk about the elephant in the room.
I don't make a lot of money, but it will get better from here. I've never been motivated by money, or making money. Raising my kids financially on my own these past two years has however put me in the hole. I would say I worry about it, but that wouldn't be accurate. I freak out about it! But only once in a while... then I pray, go to work, get busy with life, spend money, and just live. Then I freak out again, and find myself on my knees asking God to protect me financially. I do not lose sleep over it though. If I'm honest, I don't have a real clear financial plan. I'm thankful I have a pension, an investment, a tax free savings account that actually still has money in it, good credit, a job, and parents that are willing to help me for a little while. The money I spent on taking my kids to Kauai was the best money I ever spent. I wish I had stayed longer and spent more, done more. What I am really sure of now more than ever is I want to do things. I am confident that I can find a way to make it happen. I have always been able to pay for what I need, and even what I want sometimes. I am slowly getting rid of the stuff that holds me down; I sold my house and I don't think I'll ever own property again; sold my van; sold my tent trailer; and I want to start the process of reducing everything else so that eventually I could live without most of it. At this point, my children are still the priority, so all this stuff is necessary and my debt may increase. Urgh... but it is what it is and it will come to an end. I'm glad that the goals I have are not connected to purchasing more stuff, but investing in people and experiences.
I want to teach abroad, or coach abroad. Maybe in Uganda or Ghana. Maybe head back to Asia, Taiwan in particular. It would be interesting to try and find some of the students I coached back in 1991. I wonder if I could do that? Maybe I'll go to Vietnam or the Philippines. I even thought about going to teach in Kauai... that would seriously be great... but I think I'd have trouble working in that environment lol. I want to go to Mexico and Columbia. I'd like to go to orphanages and teach, or build a house for someone who has nothing, or spend a year working in a community somewhere that needs strong leaders in education. I want to go on missions again and experience the joy and purpose of bringing spiritual hope to those who don't know Jesus. I'd like to travel to Greece and Italy, and sit on the beaches in Nice, France. I'd like to get to Australia someday. I could go to New Zealand to see my old basketball coach from Grade 8 and 9; I'm sure he'd welcome me for a visit. I used to want to travel across North American with a fifth wheel and camp all along the way. I've thought of seeing if I could join disaster relief with MCC (Mennonite Central Committee) and go where the needs are. I just want to go. At first I thought this pull to get out of here was just wanting to escape. I have reasons to want to escape. With the lack of passion I've had this year, I really just wanted to get away from everything that seemed to be stuck on repeat in my life here in BC. I know, wherever I go, there I am. I know that travelling and teaching abroad is not going to change any of my 'problems'. But I don't want to focus on them anymore. My problems are not that bad. Maybe they're more like opportunities for growth... but I'm still in a holding pattern. I'm waiting for my youngest to grow up. It's not that far away. And I'm not old. I feel pretty good too... I hope and pray that my health can hang on for another 3-5 years. As I type this I think, why wait? I should go in the summers. I should hit the road on Spring Break and Christmas Break. I should sign up for short term missions. I should fly to the Grand Canyon and take that road trip down the Oregon Coast. I think I'm going to take my future and make it now. I want to embrace things now. I started seeking experiences right where I live a long time ago through camping and hiking and I've rediscovered it lately. This summer, I'm going to go see my cousins in Seattle, go to a concert, zip line in Whistler, paddle board on Alice Lake and Cultus, hike the Grouse Grind again, kayak from Deep Cove and with Dana:), picnic at Derby Reach Park and have a fire, and discover some new hiking trails with Stephany. I'm thankful this past year for my sister and her hubby for reminding me that I may not be able to leave the country right now, but I can enjoy the place I live, because it's pretty great. We'll have to go on a few epic city tours this July and discover the next great place to eat and drink. ;)
It's been said that I'm a good teacher, an excellent coach. I don't know who those people are, but it's been said. This year, and even last year, it seems that this is just puffed up hype so that I can keep my job. Now, I'm very aware that I'm being negative and that this kind of talk is really counter productive. Considering that my One Word for 2012 was Attitude, you'd think I'd have learned my lesson about how my negative attitude was holding me back from truly being in the zone and being happy (which was my Word for 2013 lol). But it seems its a battle that I just have to keep fighting. What I've discovered this year is that as I strive for excellence, so that I can be an accomplished teacher and a good coach, I need to work in my strengths. I do better when I collaborate, when I share my ideas, when I borrow the wisdom of others, and when I lead from my passion. My passion... that has been what I have somehow thrown a blanket on over the past year. I have felt as if I've been muffled. Stuck, tired, frustrated, ill prepared, and often lacking creativity. I've been numbing my emotions. Numbing my need for connection, for relationship, to once again be vulnerable, and it actually affected my work. While I was married, my girlfriends had become my safe place to be free without censoring myself. I am able to be vulnerable with them without fear and shame. I could do that because they never took advantage of my weakness. In my work place at the Elementary campus I had found safe people and lead from my imperfect authentic self. But in my last year teaching Grade 5, there was a shift in administration and the safety net seemingly developed some holes. I lost my safe place and the trust I'd been given by the previous principal - in my abilities to teach, deal with parents, work with students, and make decisions - diminished somewhat. Last summer, I coached two teams and the loss of my footing at work set me off and I felt completely incapable of coaching well. It was an emotional summer... but miraculously, my teams did well and the girls and I bonded and learned. As I've moved on to the High School, with a new principal and staff members to get to know, its been rough. I still haven't found my sweet spot. So, how do you get your passion back and become focused again? I thought I would try dating. As you know, it's not going to turn out well.
Dating is, well... I found this quote on Facebook... yeah, no, I'm not getting my wisdom from social media, but it was funny. So here it is... Dating after 40 is easy. It's like riding a bike. But the bike is on fire. And the ground is on fire. Everything is on fire. Because you're in hell.
Yup, that pretty much sums it up. I had been asked out by numerous men prior to my decision to check it out, but they were all bottom feeders who knew I had just left my husband and had seemingly been waiting for that to happen. I never said yes to any of them. Then this past September, I had a conversation with a young twenty something co-worker who talked about dating Apps, and so the journey began. I should have known that doing what women in their twenties are doing would be overwhelming. I got so many messages and likes and matches that I didn't have time to look at them. I ended up in ridiculous conversations with 'boys' who wanted the full cougar treatment and grown men who couldn't handle my busy schedule. I was stood up and ended up at a house party; I danced with many a dud; texted with a guy from Seattle who tried to talk to me about my daddy issues; and discovered I was one of two women being auditioned by another gentlemen. Was I on the bachelor? I found that the same struggle with boundaries around physicality existed for me even in my forties. I had only stuck my head into the dating scene for two months and I was exhausted with it. I gave it up. This of course didn't last... because through this process, although really not great, I still discovered that I really missed men and wanted to be back in connection with one. I just only wanted one. All the fun I thought I was having, I wasn't having and I didn't want any part of that whole ridiculous scene. I'm crazy, but not insane. What I learned, and thankfully pretty quickly, is what I wanted and what I didn't want. I learned that I want relationship, connection, company, sex, passion, trust, love, familiarity, support, and just enough difference that we affect one another in a positive way; and I wanted all this my way, on my schedule, with my boundaries. Seemed pretty simple on paper. I got real clear when I'd meet someone and when it became clear it wasn't what I wanted, I moved on. I lifted this up to my Jesus and hoped I wasn't being too selfish or godless about what I was doing. But I'm old and I couldn't be that pie in the sky twenty year old who thinks it will all work out when I know it doesn't. I actually didn't really think that any of this was possible. I know that love is not easy. Love is trouble, rebellious, controversial, and requires a heart of forgiveness and arms of grace. I have been deeply wounded by relationship. But I have to believe that it's still worth it to be vulnerable. I have to believe it for my children, who still have the chance to do it well. I have to believe it for myself, or I will miss out on something wonderful. I thought I could just love my students, love the athletes I coach, love my kids, love my co-workers, my family and friends, love teaching... but it seems I want more. I've prayed that I would find a way to be satisfied as a single woman. Maybe I will. In the meantime, I hope that the journey includes a lifelong connection with a man who can be truly connected to a woman who is too much for most and worth all the trouble.
My One Word for 2016, Warrior, has been on the back burner in my mind since probably February. I've been preoccupied with struggling at work and not feeling like I'm conquering. I am still taking the battle field to prayer, but I seem to daily get stuck in the mud of procrastination, negativity, and frustration. It hasn't helped that my co-workers are feeling the very same things. Teachers are terrible for complaining together instead of uplifting one another. It's not very warrior like at all and I hate complainers. I am committed at this point, with six months left in 2016, to be a warrior who tackles complaints with the sword of the spirit which is truth. A warrior who acts in faith that the plans made and the gifts given to me will be sufficient for the task. A warrior who is ready with the right equipment to take on what's ahead. I've had somewhat of an awakening in the past couple of months. A new perspective from an outside source (hmmm.... I wonder who that could be... ;) always helps. It's like this warrior has received intel on the enemy from someone on the other side of the battle. I feel like I have some new weapons and a new ally to help me get where I'm going. Full steam ahead! :)
Back to the song that I posted the lyrics for... New Year's Day. I think it touches on all the things that are glancing off me on a funny angle at this point in life. I'm confessing that it hasn't been a smooth ride and that I feel spent; yet the hope of a future is sprouting out of the chaos. I need to finish my parenting job... who am I kidding!! That's never really done. I don't want to move forward so fast, that I miss the lessons and beauty right here, right where I am and live. I'm still dismantling the past, but I have come to a better place that has a clearer view of the future. The euphoria of my new life is definitely gone, but I will get back in the zone.
I need to move on out of this reflective place because I have work to do. I think I may come back and change this or add to it later, but for now... I've got to go.
I’m tearing down the past years off the wall
I’m coming at you like a wrecking ball
And I think I’m gonna make it after all
It's gonna be OK!
It's New Year's Day!
It's gonna be OK!
It's New Year's Day!
18.12.15
One Word 2016
Before I launch into the new word, I suppose some reflection on 2015 is in order. I chose 'new' as my One Word for 2015 with high hopes of feeling good and seeing new things happen. In September, I looked back and had thought that my word had not truly shaped my year as I had hoped. I lamented this to my daughter and she came back with a quick response; "That's ridiculous! Think about it mom..." So I did, and she was right. For the first time this year, I went on a vacation with my family that didn't include camping. We went to Kauai and had the time of our lives! I started a new job this year as a High School teacher and it has been filled with lots of new things and the school year isn't even over. I moved this past August as well into a new home. It was a miraculous move with God providing just what we needed, at the right time and within one day. Not everything new this year has been good, but instead have brought stress along with them. I am having to live without financial support for my kids from their dad; which has been difficult and frustrating. I have struggled with a new feeling of loneliness that has surprised me. I am longing for a man in my life which makes me feel ridiculous and old. Ridiculous because I cannot believe how quickly my heart attaches to someone; and old because I'm not sure how, nor am I ready, to navigate the crazy dating world. Sometimes the new things that have come into my life have not always been apparent. It's like the verse I chose says;
Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the dessert.
Isaiah 43:19
I have struggled to see the newness while in the wilderness and dessert of my life. Yet, when I look back, God has sprung forth; he is making a way for me to walk and there are rivers of life within the dessert of this time. So, I bid farewell to my One Word new, with some greater understanding for what Jesus means by doing a new thing in my life. It will be in the midst of my hardships and despite my own failures to perceive it; the way he makes through the wilderness of this time will create an oasis for me and my family.
Now on to the 'new' word for 2016... he he I'm so punny! :)
My One Word for 2016 is 'warrior'.
I have sat on this word for about a month trying to let it sink in. I wanted to see what it was supposed to really mean. The word itself conjures up images that are aggressive, portray strength, and imply imminent victory. The image of a warrior beating down an enemy that won't relent and needs to be repeatedly knocked down comes to mind. Warriors don't ever rest; they are constantly on edge, ready to fight, and seeking another battle. I'm not so sure I want anymore battles; I'm tired and I can't handle being on edge anymore. The more I thought about this word the more it was feeling like it wasn't right. I didn't want to choose the word if my intent was only to fuel feelings of aggression to conquer and not find peace. If warrior was my word for 2016, then what exactly am I supposed to be a warrior for? What is my mission? Who is my enemy? Why am I fighting and will I find the rest I'm looking for? I was then reminded of the tools or weapons that are needed when you go into battle and it brought me to the verses from the Bible that answered all my questions and sealed the deal for me on this word.
Ephesians 6:10-18a
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fasted on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.
This was the kind of warrior I could strive to be in 2016. My enemy is clear, my armor is from the one true God, and my battle field is in prayer. I know I will face many challenges in 2016 and I will be a warrior who is ready with truth, the righteousness of Christ, the gospel of peace, faith, salvation, the sword of the Spirit, and prayer.
I will be a warrior in 2016. I look forward to how this word will change how I live and shape me in the coming year.
Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the dessert.
Isaiah 43:19
I have struggled to see the newness while in the wilderness and dessert of my life. Yet, when I look back, God has sprung forth; he is making a way for me to walk and there are rivers of life within the dessert of this time. So, I bid farewell to my One Word new, with some greater understanding for what Jesus means by doing a new thing in my life. It will be in the midst of my hardships and despite my own failures to perceive it; the way he makes through the wilderness of this time will create an oasis for me and my family.
Now on to the 'new' word for 2016... he he I'm so punny! :)
My One Word for 2016 is 'warrior'.
I have sat on this word for about a month trying to let it sink in. I wanted to see what it was supposed to really mean. The word itself conjures up images that are aggressive, portray strength, and imply imminent victory. The image of a warrior beating down an enemy that won't relent and needs to be repeatedly knocked down comes to mind. Warriors don't ever rest; they are constantly on edge, ready to fight, and seeking another battle. I'm not so sure I want anymore battles; I'm tired and I can't handle being on edge anymore. The more I thought about this word the more it was feeling like it wasn't right. I didn't want to choose the word if my intent was only to fuel feelings of aggression to conquer and not find peace. If warrior was my word for 2016, then what exactly am I supposed to be a warrior for? What is my mission? Who is my enemy? Why am I fighting and will I find the rest I'm looking for? I was then reminded of the tools or weapons that are needed when you go into battle and it brought me to the verses from the Bible that answered all my questions and sealed the deal for me on this word.
Ephesians 6:10-18a
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fasted on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.
This was the kind of warrior I could strive to be in 2016. My enemy is clear, my armor is from the one true God, and my battle field is in prayer. I know I will face many challenges in 2016 and I will be a warrior who is ready with truth, the righteousness of Christ, the gospel of peace, faith, salvation, the sword of the Spirit, and prayer.
I will be a warrior in 2016. I look forward to how this word will change how I live and shape me in the coming year.
17.12.15
Grieving my divorce
The title of this blog is somewhat deceiving since I'm not actually divorced because legally I can't. I could, I suppose, but then I'd have to say that my children are receiving adequate child support from their father; which I can't do without lying. My ex-husband would disagree... he feels he's done his financial duty. I would have to say at this point the courts have not legally made monthly child support enforceable because I agreed to a document that says he doesn't have to pay monthly. Apparently, I took more in the split of our assets in lieu of child support for two years, yet that is not directly stated in our agreement. Even the judge said it makes no sense. My ex-husband's lawyer swore in an affidavit that I agreed to this deal and there is no evidence to the contrary, so my kids have no monthly child support and I can't get divorced.
I don't know why this is so distressing to me. Why do I care that I can't legally be divorced? I have been separated for two years; I haven't talked to him at all pretty much since then; God has taken care of me and my kids in miraculous ways over these two years; my friends and family have been amazing and have kept me busy, laughing, and have helped me heal in countless ways; and my new job as a high school teacher is less stressful and suited for me. Yet, I find myself brought down by this latest glitch as if it is stopping me from moving on.
I feel like there is no real way to grieve being in this state. I am not a widow, and so no one feels extra specially upset for me. I can't talk about how I miss my husband without confusing people; I miss who he could have been, who I thought he was going to be, who we were together and what could have been if there had been no abuse... it's complicated. There are good memories mixed in with the awful. If I tell people that I miss being married, it begs the question why did I leave? I think what I'm actually grieving is the loss of fidelity. Adultery has scarred me in ways that I hadn't anticipated. After years of dysfunction and abuse, it seems that losing the affections, commitment, trust, and desire of my husband was still very hard to take. I had made so many concessions, decisions, and compromises. I had put my head down when belittled; I had tried to change so as to please him; I had suffered under fear and dysfunction; and I had sacrificed the emotional and mental health of both myself and my children. It was all for not, all destroyed, making no difference at all. He took his body and soul and offered it up to another woman who felt sorry for him and his miserable life with me. I still can't believe it happened - and more than once. I know that it is not my failure. I have heard that it is often both parties at fault when an affair occurs. I think that has merit. Yet, when living with an abusive person there are different aspects to consider; the normal rules and assumptions have to be thrown out the window. I guess I really don't have it all figured out. My default is to take responsibility; I feel like I can do something about it if I'm responsible. But I'm not responsible for so much of what happened... its such a mess. I've said that my ex-husband has a lot of pain and struggles; he is a tortured man. So much of what he struggles with is because of his own bad behaviour; he hurts others around him because he hurts, which in turn creates more hurt. It was very hard to live with.
I'm so glad to be away from that. Really I am... so how do I grieve? I don't want to bash my ex-husband to friends and family. It feels good for a moment, but then I feel yucky and must confess for being so awful. Jesus says I murder those I hate... I have moved away from hate, then back toward it, and then run away again. Giving that to my God has been so ongoing.
I sometimes wish bad things for him, but what good does that do but make me sour and bitter inside. Plus, really, he needs to be OK. My kids still need a whole and healed father. I don't know if that will happen... I pray for it sometimes, reluctantly... yes, that sounds awful... but praying for someone who has hurt you and hurt your kids is so hard and causes me to cry every single time. There are good memories of our life and I am trying to find a way to honour what was good while not denying all the abuse. This doesn't sit well with my ex-husband's family and it is hard to explain to others. It's really difficult for my children to manage as well.
I have lost my passion. There is nothing driving me, there is nothing that I am pursuing with all my being. There is nothing I am surviving that gives me purpose to go forward. I have not the anger I once had as fuel to push me forward and to help me reach goals. There is no anger... I'm past that stage of grief, and I'm exhausted. I feel that I went through the first three stages of grief while still married... by the time it was over, I realize now, I was already depressed. I slept a lot in that first year of separation. I would come home from work and go to bed at 7:30pm. I think my kids were worried. I feel as if I'm lingering still in between depression and acceptance. I find I have to tap into anger in order to tackle any issues that still arise and have to do with my ex-husband. This causes tremendous stress when I'm dragged back to anger. I don't want to be angry. I want to be passionate. I want to find my passion for all that is my life again. I am a passionate person. I am typically infused with passion in what I do; my children, my students, coaching, friendships, Bible study, and my church. Lately I struggle to find that passion and feel exhausted when I exert myself for a period of time. I am praying that I would find rejuvenated passion in a new direction. Whether it is my job, or coaching, or starting to lead in Bible study again. I just need something.
Passionate people are typically sexual people... that may be a generalization, but I think its pretty accurate. So, I'm a sexual person. I miss sex; I recently have a preoccupation with it and it's not a good place for my passion to be sitting. My goal is to find a way to do better with this than I did when I was young. I cannot find myself once again in pointless relationships or one off's that are purposely set up to end quickly. I know better, Jesus wants better for me, I am not without self control, and I do not want to be that woman; I am not that woman. What a serious challenge this is for me! I lean on the knowledge that the love Jesus has for me is enough, even in this, it is enough. One of the strange things about my marriage was that our sexual relationship was the last aspect to be destroyed. Sex had held things together; it bonded us; it was linked to the violent passionate nature of the abusive cycle we lived in. It kept me going, it caused me pain, it maintained my commitment, and it healed wounds the relationship was causing me. Does that make any sense? I think it is one of the most confusing parts of all of this. It is why adultery finally killed my marriage. I have been asked why I didn't leave earlier; if the abuse was so bad, why did you stay? I don't know why my end line was adultery; but it was. I understand it didn't need to be. I know that I can stand before Jesus and say I did what he asked me to; that means the world to me even now.
I am glad that through this I have found that I still desire to be vulnerable before another human being. The epitome of vulnerability in relationship is through sexual expression. Our world has sullied that so much that sex has become about power and not intimacy. Years ago, I bought into that notion but I will not do that again. It means I have to wait, or maybe just never experience that again. I am learning to trust that Jesus is enough. My validation comes from this; Jesus loves me.
Oh my goodness!! I just figured it out! The destruction of my sexual relationship with my husband was the breaking point because of the intimacy and vulnerability that it contained. It is why not being able to be legally divorced is so distressing to me! It is as if I cannot bring closure to an open wound.
I am now also more convinced than ever that I need to go back to my maiden name. Being a Klassen again feels like I can take back some of who I was; before I was damaged. In some way it seems that the wound will close if I'm not that married woman anymore and changing my name will signify that. Becoming Klassen again is part of my grief. It is who I was, who I am, and who I will now become. Its just a name, I suppose. Yet in grieving my divorce, it is becoming another stone to step on toward healing, toward acceptance.
I should write more often. That really worked to clear things up for me.
I don't know why this is so distressing to me. Why do I care that I can't legally be divorced? I have been separated for two years; I haven't talked to him at all pretty much since then; God has taken care of me and my kids in miraculous ways over these two years; my friends and family have been amazing and have kept me busy, laughing, and have helped me heal in countless ways; and my new job as a high school teacher is less stressful and suited for me. Yet, I find myself brought down by this latest glitch as if it is stopping me from moving on.
I feel like there is no real way to grieve being in this state. I am not a widow, and so no one feels extra specially upset for me. I can't talk about how I miss my husband without confusing people; I miss who he could have been, who I thought he was going to be, who we were together and what could have been if there had been no abuse... it's complicated. There are good memories mixed in with the awful. If I tell people that I miss being married, it begs the question why did I leave? I think what I'm actually grieving is the loss of fidelity. Adultery has scarred me in ways that I hadn't anticipated. After years of dysfunction and abuse, it seems that losing the affections, commitment, trust, and desire of my husband was still very hard to take. I had made so many concessions, decisions, and compromises. I had put my head down when belittled; I had tried to change so as to please him; I had suffered under fear and dysfunction; and I had sacrificed the emotional and mental health of both myself and my children. It was all for not, all destroyed, making no difference at all. He took his body and soul and offered it up to another woman who felt sorry for him and his miserable life with me. I still can't believe it happened - and more than once. I know that it is not my failure. I have heard that it is often both parties at fault when an affair occurs. I think that has merit. Yet, when living with an abusive person there are different aspects to consider; the normal rules and assumptions have to be thrown out the window. I guess I really don't have it all figured out. My default is to take responsibility; I feel like I can do something about it if I'm responsible. But I'm not responsible for so much of what happened... its such a mess. I've said that my ex-husband has a lot of pain and struggles; he is a tortured man. So much of what he struggles with is because of his own bad behaviour; he hurts others around him because he hurts, which in turn creates more hurt. It was very hard to live with.
I'm so glad to be away from that. Really I am... so how do I grieve? I don't want to bash my ex-husband to friends and family. It feels good for a moment, but then I feel yucky and must confess for being so awful. Jesus says I murder those I hate... I have moved away from hate, then back toward it, and then run away again. Giving that to my God has been so ongoing.
I sometimes wish bad things for him, but what good does that do but make me sour and bitter inside. Plus, really, he needs to be OK. My kids still need a whole and healed father. I don't know if that will happen... I pray for it sometimes, reluctantly... yes, that sounds awful... but praying for someone who has hurt you and hurt your kids is so hard and causes me to cry every single time. There are good memories of our life and I am trying to find a way to honour what was good while not denying all the abuse. This doesn't sit well with my ex-husband's family and it is hard to explain to others. It's really difficult for my children to manage as well.
I have lost my passion. There is nothing driving me, there is nothing that I am pursuing with all my being. There is nothing I am surviving that gives me purpose to go forward. I have not the anger I once had as fuel to push me forward and to help me reach goals. There is no anger... I'm past that stage of grief, and I'm exhausted. I feel that I went through the first three stages of grief while still married... by the time it was over, I realize now, I was already depressed. I slept a lot in that first year of separation. I would come home from work and go to bed at 7:30pm. I think my kids were worried. I feel as if I'm lingering still in between depression and acceptance. I find I have to tap into anger in order to tackle any issues that still arise and have to do with my ex-husband. This causes tremendous stress when I'm dragged back to anger. I don't want to be angry. I want to be passionate. I want to find my passion for all that is my life again. I am a passionate person. I am typically infused with passion in what I do; my children, my students, coaching, friendships, Bible study, and my church. Lately I struggle to find that passion and feel exhausted when I exert myself for a period of time. I am praying that I would find rejuvenated passion in a new direction. Whether it is my job, or coaching, or starting to lead in Bible study again. I just need something.
Passionate people are typically sexual people... that may be a generalization, but I think its pretty accurate. So, I'm a sexual person. I miss sex; I recently have a preoccupation with it and it's not a good place for my passion to be sitting. My goal is to find a way to do better with this than I did when I was young. I cannot find myself once again in pointless relationships or one off's that are purposely set up to end quickly. I know better, Jesus wants better for me, I am not without self control, and I do not want to be that woman; I am not that woman. What a serious challenge this is for me! I lean on the knowledge that the love Jesus has for me is enough, even in this, it is enough. One of the strange things about my marriage was that our sexual relationship was the last aspect to be destroyed. Sex had held things together; it bonded us; it was linked to the violent passionate nature of the abusive cycle we lived in. It kept me going, it caused me pain, it maintained my commitment, and it healed wounds the relationship was causing me. Does that make any sense? I think it is one of the most confusing parts of all of this. It is why adultery finally killed my marriage. I have been asked why I didn't leave earlier; if the abuse was so bad, why did you stay? I don't know why my end line was adultery; but it was. I understand it didn't need to be. I know that I can stand before Jesus and say I did what he asked me to; that means the world to me even now.
I am glad that through this I have found that I still desire to be vulnerable before another human being. The epitome of vulnerability in relationship is through sexual expression. Our world has sullied that so much that sex has become about power and not intimacy. Years ago, I bought into that notion but I will not do that again. It means I have to wait, or maybe just never experience that again. I am learning to trust that Jesus is enough. My validation comes from this; Jesus loves me.
Oh my goodness!! I just figured it out! The destruction of my sexual relationship with my husband was the breaking point because of the intimacy and vulnerability that it contained. It is why not being able to be legally divorced is so distressing to me! It is as if I cannot bring closure to an open wound.
I am now also more convinced than ever that I need to go back to my maiden name. Being a Klassen again feels like I can take back some of who I was; before I was damaged. In some way it seems that the wound will close if I'm not that married woman anymore and changing my name will signify that. Becoming Klassen again is part of my grief. It is who I was, who I am, and who I will now become. Its just a name, I suppose. Yet in grieving my divorce, it is becoming another stone to step on toward healing, toward acceptance.
I should write more often. That really worked to clear things up for me.
6.11.15
Grandpa Thiessen's Prayer
Dear Heavenly Father,
Help me meet In the right spirit everything which comes to me today.
Help me to approach my work cheerfully and my tasks diligently.
Help me meet disappointments, frustrations, kindnesses and opposition calmly and without irritation.
Help me to meet delay with patience and unreasonable demands with self control.
Help me to accept praise modestly and criticism graciously without losing my temper.
Keep me serene all through today.
If I know there are things which annoy the people with whom I live and work, help me not to do them.
If I know there are things which would please them, help me to go out of my way to please them.
Equip me today, O God with the constant awareness of your presence which will make me do everything as unto you.
Grant that others may see something of the reflection of the master whom I seek to serve.
This I ask because you love me.
In Jesus name, Amen.
Walter Thiessen
daily prayer
Help me meet In the right spirit everything which comes to me today.
Help me to approach my work cheerfully and my tasks diligently.
Help me meet disappointments, frustrations, kindnesses and opposition calmly and without irritation.
Help me to meet delay with patience and unreasonable demands with self control.
Help me to accept praise modestly and criticism graciously without losing my temper.
Keep me serene all through today.
If I know there are things which annoy the people with whom I live and work, help me not to do them.
If I know there are things which would please them, help me to go out of my way to please them.
Equip me today, O God with the constant awareness of your presence which will make me do everything as unto you.
Grant that others may see something of the reflection of the master whom I seek to serve.
This I ask because you love me.
In Jesus name, Amen.
Walter Thiessen
daily prayer
25.12.14
One Word for 2015
1 The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn;
3 to grant to those who mourn in Zion- to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
Isaiah 61:1-3
From Happily Ever After - Walking with peace and courage through a year of divorce
God didn't create women to be wilted or weak. Our gender has a bizarre tendency to minimize our needs and to belittle our own glory. Why do we play down? To make ourselves less threatening? To whom? Why do we equate this minimization with accessibility? We are not making others more comfortable by playing small. In fact, we are sending the message to others that they need to play down, too. I am not encouraging pridefulness but to be authentic by sharing the gift of our true selves.
Our strength is desperately desired. Our beauty is sorely absent when we stifle it. Our unique offerings are missed when we hide.
We were created by the Lord to display His splendor!
Root yourself as a creation in Christ. Align yourself to assure the nutrients and sunshine you require to grow into the majestic, powerful beauty God intended.
I spent 2014 defining a path of happiness as my word 'happy' became more ironic when one looked closely at what was going on in my life. What does happy look like when you're broken and you need to start over? How can you be happy when those you love are hurting? Is being happy selfish? Is the joy of the Lord really available to me? Who knew being happy was such hard work! I learned that God is seeking to help me find true happiness in my gifts, my family, my work, my relationships, and in giving love even when it costs me. Happiness is given by my Jesus, and he has afforded me the ability to tap into joy through physical activity, work, friendships, serving, and being blessed by others. It was a good year to be focused on 'happy' as it kept me from falling victim to the lie that I was damaged and would never fully recover.
My One Word for 2015 is 'new'. This past year was filled with first's. The first time I handled all my vehicle repairs by myself. The first time to drive a moving truck and set up house just for me and my kids. The first time I went camping with my children all on my own. First time planning birthday's, Thanksgiving, and Christmas separately from my in-law family. It was tougher than I thought and felt scary a lot of the time. I second guessed myself and had to retrain my brain to seek different support networks and ask for help when before I had not. It has been humbling, overwhelming, and expensive. But God has been faithful, friends and family supportive, my church amazing, and my kids resilient. I am happy!:)
Now I need to embrace the newness of my life. This is my new life.
In my new life, I walk to work and to the store; I try not to drive my van unless I have to. I live in a rented house; which is actually nice, as when there are problems with things in the house, someone else pays for it and fixes it. I don't obsess about the cleanliness of my kitchen. I can go to bed when the dishes aren't clean and not worry about. I don't really cook. I make food as necessary and we eat a lot of leftovers. Everyone is still happy and no one is hungry. In my new life, I eat less meat. Really. I eat salad every day. I stay up late and always have a couple of drinks before bed... maybe not a good habit to have formed, but I'm not worried about it. In my new life I dance. I love to dance and I don't care that I'm old. I watch TV... maybe something I could switch to reading. I have been reading less, but that is because I used to read to escape. I need to find a reason to read for enjoyment again. I joined a support group. I make decisions based on what God wants (which currently leaves me waiting, a bit frustrating) and what is best for my children... but sometimes, I just do what I think will be fun! I do laundry when it's convenient, vacuum when it's dirty, take up the whole bed when sleeping, decorate how I want, buy clothes when I feel like it, get friends gifts, talk loud, laugh loud, watch YouTube, always have money on my Starbucks card, and sing in the van with my daughter. I can come home late and no one is mad. I can leave for a trip without over planning my exit, and come home with no one telling me what I did wrong while I was gone. I do my devotions daily and enjoy spending time pouring over scripture. I sit with my kids and we passionately discuss faith, the Bible, Godly behaviour and challenging issues; then we pray. In my new life, we are not quiet. We play the music loud and we yell at each other - and no one gets too mad about it.
My new life is just beginning. Even though I still feel an emptiness that would consume me if not for Jesus guarding my heart, I am excited about what is ahead.
I want to embrace what is ahead and really see that it is new. God is not done moulding me into who I will be and what he will do through me and in me. I want to have a changed attitude about this newness, to be happy in the circumstance I find myself in, and to surrender myself to Jesus in becoming new.
18 "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.
19 Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:18-19
New. The old is gone, the new has come. All this is from God. (2 Corinthians 5:17-18)
7.6.14
Mine, by Amanda Pell
People make a big deal about eyes
but it was really the wrinkle in his forehead that caught me
as he fumbled to write down his number.
We fell in love like children running downhill:
wind whipping past, parading each other to our friends,
to the sky, to the old couples we imagined as our future selves.
When he moved in, I swore he fused with the house.
I could hear his sigh in the hum of my ceiling fan
I could taste him in my coffee
And anyone could see him in my poetry.
The grooves in his palm spoke of tragedies.
A frayed lifeline spread to the pinky-tip
I traced along those calloused patches
and kissed the scars on his knuckles
When you love hard enough, you can embrace those scars
And when you love long enough you excuse or even ignore
almost imperceptible changes in the terrain:
when he gripped me a bit tighter a bit more often
when “how are you?” became “where were you?”
In college I learned that in World War I,
soldiers rarely wrote about their misery.
They were living a new kind of nightmare,
so what good were the same old words and metaphors?
Poets died in those trenches.
I thought of them as I tiptoed
around the landmines that littered our home.
When you live in a battlefield,
where do you find energy to pick up a pen?
Like a numbed soldier I lived from moment to moment,
and when the moments were sweet
(and many were) I savored them
Because nothing tastes as good as hope
Because even on the bad days
when it seemed an eyelash could set him off
when he threatened to leave the apartment or this world
still each night he would murmur into my ear
that these were the natural ups and downs of love.
But there is nothing natural about war.
He was my comrade, sinking into the trenches,
grasping at my face, my arm, my collar bone
I wanted to rescue him
If that meant bearing his blows
and his slurred insults, I would do it
If I could’ve swallowed his sadness, I would have.
My friends considered me M.I.A., but I reported for duty every day
and would’ve marched unto death if she hadn’t made me listen.
In that moment I realized I wasn’t his comrade but a prisoner of his war
And after two years and seven months, I finally made a break for it.
Some nights I find myself clicking through old memories.
I marvel at the smiles and the closeness
and realize that these are the images
which remain with me most vividly.
When time has had its way with me,
has softened the edges of my memory,
I’m afraid I’ll only remember his charms:
the crook of his arm, the way he said “hey baby.”
I’m afraid I’ll miss these ideas of him.
But then I remember those poets
and how long they lived in those trenches
and the mornings I spent crying into my breakfast
And now when I pick up my pen
it is heavy, but it is firm.
I lean into it like a staff as I tread the ground
that hardened beneath me the moment I let you go.
The ink smudges my hands like war paint
I am bruised from battle, but I am not a casualty of his war
I am free. I am free. I am mine.
but it was really the wrinkle in his forehead that caught me
as he fumbled to write down his number.
We fell in love like children running downhill:
wind whipping past, parading each other to our friends,
to the sky, to the old couples we imagined as our future selves.
When he moved in, I swore he fused with the house.
I could hear his sigh in the hum of my ceiling fan
I could taste him in my coffee
And anyone could see him in my poetry.
The grooves in his palm spoke of tragedies.
A frayed lifeline spread to the pinky-tip
I traced along those calloused patches
and kissed the scars on his knuckles
When you love hard enough, you can embrace those scars
And when you love long enough you excuse or even ignore
almost imperceptible changes in the terrain:
when he gripped me a bit tighter a bit more often
when “how are you?” became “where were you?”
In college I learned that in World War I,
soldiers rarely wrote about their misery.
They were living a new kind of nightmare,
so what good were the same old words and metaphors?
Poets died in those trenches.
I thought of them as I tiptoed
around the landmines that littered our home.
When you live in a battlefield,
where do you find energy to pick up a pen?
Like a numbed soldier I lived from moment to moment,
and when the moments were sweet
(and many were) I savored them
Because nothing tastes as good as hope
Because even on the bad days
when it seemed an eyelash could set him off
when he threatened to leave the apartment or this world
still each night he would murmur into my ear
that these were the natural ups and downs of love.
But there is nothing natural about war.
He was my comrade, sinking into the trenches,
grasping at my face, my arm, my collar bone
I wanted to rescue him
If that meant bearing his blows
and his slurred insults, I would do it
If I could’ve swallowed his sadness, I would have.
My friends considered me M.I.A., but I reported for duty every day
and would’ve marched unto death if she hadn’t made me listen.
In that moment I realized I wasn’t his comrade but a prisoner of his war
And after two years and seven months, I finally made a break for it.
Some nights I find myself clicking through old memories.
I marvel at the smiles and the closeness
and realize that these are the images
which remain with me most vividly.
When time has had its way with me,
has softened the edges of my memory,
I’m afraid I’ll only remember his charms:
the crook of his arm, the way he said “hey baby.”
I’m afraid I’ll miss these ideas of him.
But then I remember those poets
and how long they lived in those trenches
and the mornings I spent crying into my breakfast
And now when I pick up my pen
it is heavy, but it is firm.
I lean into it like a staff as I tread the ground
that hardened beneath me the moment I let you go.
The ink smudges my hands like war paint
I am bruised from battle, but I am not a casualty of his war
I am free. I am free. I am mine.
Abuse is not what you think.
16.2.14
One Word for 2014
Don't make New Year's resolutions, instead choose one word to focus on for the whole year. http://oneword365.com/
Last year I worked on my attitude and asked Jesus to help me become intentional about my attitude, knowing he would show up when I least expected him to. I hadn't lost hope in Him; but my attitude was limiting what I would allow him to do in me. It was a good word for me and I kept it on my mind all year, but I think my attitude was not necessarily improved but watched. I don't know if it got better, but it did get paid attention to. I was constantly made aware that I needed to check my attitude and be sure it was aligned with how Christ wanted me to be thinking and feeling. It was a good exercise for an entire year.
It was a good enough exercise that I decided to do it again. This year the word that God chose for me seems very hard to understand in light of what I am going through. The word is happy. Yes, happy. This word has been one of my most hated words in the past. I realize now it is because I have not been happy for a long time. I used to think being happy was bad. Yeah, that sounds ridiculous. But when you are not happy, convincing yourself that happiness is not good seems like a good idea. I was instead searching for joy. What I have discovered is that joy and happiness are actually linked. Who would've thought.
Well, I found a verse to go with my word.
Proverbs 15:13
A happy heart makes the face cheerful;
but heartache crushes the spirit.
How true that has been for the past decade or so of my life. I want to start this new journey in search of true happiness in Jesus. So this year, despite my grief and the huge changes that are causing all kinds of struggle, I am going to be happy.
Just as the song lyrics say, "if you feel that happiness is the truth..." It is the truth... and it took me too long to figure that out.
Jesus said `These things I have spoken to you that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.` John 15:11
Jesus wants me to experience his joy as I walk with him in obedience and abide in him finding that happiness in him and nothing else. So ultimately, ... bring me down, can`t nothing, HIS love is too high.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM&list=FL5a8dnKPDch7mWOLUnodkOA&index=13
It was a good enough exercise that I decided to do it again. This year the word that God chose for me seems very hard to understand in light of what I am going through. The word is happy. Yes, happy. This word has been one of my most hated words in the past. I realize now it is because I have not been happy for a long time. I used to think being happy was bad. Yeah, that sounds ridiculous. But when you are not happy, convincing yourself that happiness is not good seems like a good idea. I was instead searching for joy. What I have discovered is that joy and happiness are actually linked. Who would've thought.
Well, I found a verse to go with my word.
Proverbs 15:13
A happy heart makes the face cheerful;
but heartache crushes the spirit.
How true that has been for the past decade or so of my life. I want to start this new journey in search of true happiness in Jesus. So this year, despite my grief and the huge changes that are causing all kinds of struggle, I am going to be happy.
Just as the song lyrics say, "if you feel that happiness is the truth..." It is the truth... and it took me too long to figure that out.
Jesus said `These things I have spoken to you that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.` John 15:11
Jesus wants me to experience his joy as I walk with him in obedience and abide in him finding that happiness in him and nothing else. So ultimately, ... bring me down, can`t nothing, HIS love is too high.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM&list=FL5a8dnKPDch7mWOLUnodkOA&index=13
Separated
I am separated. Yup, since Dec. 30, 2013. Divorce is that ugly thing that I never wanted anything to do with, but now, I am waiting for its arrival. Adultery, more than once... can I even believe anything he says... no I can't. Abuse for years that I never recognized as such.... I thought I was married to a troubled man who needed my understanding. All the dreams of a marriage that glorifies God are gone from me. I have no hope that it can be healed, fixed, redeemed, forgiven, or started again. My family is torn apart and even though I know that I cannot nor do I want to go back, I am grieving. My children are grieving. Go back to what I ask? To the way it was... the way it was. It was hard, sprinkled with blessings of children, camping, new homes and jobs, God's timing, and windows of hope. I seemed to find those windows of hope all the time over these past 20 years. I wanted to do what Jesus wanted me to do, despite my unhappiness. Why? Why did God always show me a window and give me strength to keep going? Why so long in this darkness with the only windows coming out of such great pain? I remember praying for relief, praying for joy, praying for safety, praying for some peace; praying that I would be able to do better, that he would do better. There were nights of praying and crying when he wasn't home, didn't come home, came home so late, when he was angry, distant or depressed. It was as if my prayers were willing him to somehow be where he was supposed to be, do what he was supposed to do. I had so much hope then. Hope that I could endure and that all would be made right. Then there were times of just accepting and it seemed that it would all just roll along fine. I loved those times, when it all seemed like it would be OK. When I could relax and be myself; when the kids were free to falter, when the laughter seemed easy to come and the arguments few. We had those times... but I never knew when they would end. Always such an abrupt ending too. They would just be gone and I would take the blame for their absence. I could create those times with careful planning and careful appeasing and putting my head in the sand.
Lately, I had prayed for an escape. I was charged with energy, with righteous anger when it all became clear. When I knew what I had to do... the adrenalin rushed through me for weeks. But that is gone. Now I am just faced with the task of preparing, separating, day to day tasks, and filled with anxiety that I will lose it. I cannot stop praying for my children. I cannot stop thinking about all that is lost.
Words from my pastor; It's OK for me to say I can't. This has been killing me.
Verses that are encouraging me.
Isaiah 45:2-3
“I will go before you and level the exalted places, I will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut through the bars of iron, I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hoards in secret places that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who call you by your name."
The treasures of this darkness are yet to be seen. The greatest treasure of darkness was Jesus death on the cross; for out of that came his resurrection, our resurrection, and our salvation.
Jeremiah 18:1-6
The word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: “Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will let you hear my words.” So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.
Then the word of the Lord came to me: “O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares the Lord. Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.
The pot was spoiled in the hands of the potter. I have never been out of God's hand. I have been marred in this marriage for God's purpose and He will rework me, my life, my children, into another vessel, as he sees best.
2 Timothy 4:16-18
At my first defense no one came to stand by me, but all deserted me. May it not be charged against them! But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.
My little sister had this underlined with my name by it dated 2009. God is so smart, she said. He has saved me and given me what I need this time around for my rescue to be sure.
I needed to write this out finally.
I can forgive, but I cannot live with him again. I want my children to be able to forgive, to have a relationship with their dad, but I worry about that.
I have been discarded and I am damaged.
I am grieving and waiting for healing.
I know that my healing has already begun... but I do not know where any of this will take me.
What plan does God have for me now?
Lately, I had prayed for an escape. I was charged with energy, with righteous anger when it all became clear. When I knew what I had to do... the adrenalin rushed through me for weeks. But that is gone. Now I am just faced with the task of preparing, separating, day to day tasks, and filled with anxiety that I will lose it. I cannot stop praying for my children. I cannot stop thinking about all that is lost.
Words from my pastor; It's OK for me to say I can't. This has been killing me.
Verses that are encouraging me.
Isaiah 45:2-3
“I will go before you and level the exalted places, I will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut through the bars of iron, I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hoards in secret places that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who call you by your name."
The treasures of this darkness are yet to be seen. The greatest treasure of darkness was Jesus death on the cross; for out of that came his resurrection, our resurrection, and our salvation.
Jeremiah 18:1-6
The word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: “Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will let you hear my words.” So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.
Then the word of the Lord came to me: “O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares the Lord. Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.
The pot was spoiled in the hands of the potter. I have never been out of God's hand. I have been marred in this marriage for God's purpose and He will rework me, my life, my children, into another vessel, as he sees best.
2 Timothy 4:16-18
At my first defense no one came to stand by me, but all deserted me. May it not be charged against them! But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.
My little sister had this underlined with my name by it dated 2009. God is so smart, she said. He has saved me and given me what I need this time around for my rescue to be sure.
I needed to write this out finally.
I can forgive, but I cannot live with him again. I want my children to be able to forgive, to have a relationship with their dad, but I worry about that.
I have been discarded and I am damaged.
I am grieving and waiting for healing.
I know that my healing has already begun... but I do not know where any of this will take me.
What plan does God have for me now?
4.1.13
One Word for 2013
I read a post from She Loves Magazine http://shelovesmagazine.com/ about a concept of not making New Year's resolutions but instead choosing one word to focus on for the whole year. http://oneword365.com/
It really intrigued me and I couldn't get it out of my mind. The problem is, the word that kept coming to my mind to choose bothers me a little bit. I even tried to find a Bible verse to replace it, telling myself that it was to confirm that the word was correct. Really, I would rather not have this word as my one word for the year.
Let me quote what I read so that you can understand what I'm taking about with this one word idea.
I read the piece to my daughter and she also chose a word. She said it immediately popped into her head. I asked her what it was and she quickly replied 'caring'. When I think of my daughter, that sounds about right. I reluctantly shared the word that came to my mind with her. Her reaction was an instant 'OH!!'. That confirmed it for me; even she knows it is the right word. So now I have to accept that this is the word that God has given me. It simply won't go away.
My word is 'Attitude'.
I have always liked my attitude. I think that it is part of what makes me who I am. Not everyone else appreciates my attitude. I have an attitude problem, you see, that has plagued me for many years. It is easy enough to say that those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind; but it seems that even those who matter are minding - including myself. I am starting to see that my outlook on life is not as good as it could be. It is affecting my life, my work, my relationships, and how I react to what is happening in the moment and how I prepare for situations and events.
Over the years I have developed a negative attitude that permeates much of my thinking about everything; from finding the right size shoe at a store, to how I feel about the future of my marriage. I have little hope that anything that is currently 'bad' will change for the better. I harbour anger about some of the things that have happened in my past. There are a few things that I have regret over. Anger seems to be the only way to get myself up and moving quickly with purpose in any given area of my life. I am struggling to find joy even in a job and coaching position that just five years ago I would have been over the moon about. For the most part I have covered up these truly negative attitudes. Lately, I think that my close family and friends have seen this negativity and although it has a very practical and self preserving purpose, it is making me less palpable.
Maybe some of my readers are surprised to read that I have a dark pessimistic realism that does not lend itself to exuberant joy and warm fuzzies. I think I have been that joyful person. I do feel deeply and react strongly; but lately, I feel kind of like I'm dragging around a dead spirit in my back pocket. I want it to go away. It feels like a dark cloud has been hanging around my mind and spirit for the past three years or so. It is making me tired. I pray for deliverance. I pray that as I meditate and become intentional about my attitude, Jesus will show up when I least expect him to. I haven't lost hope in Him; but my attitude is limiting what I will allow him to do in me.
Jesus said;
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love,... that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."
John 15:9-11
Attitude.
I wonder what is going to happen this year?
It really intrigued me and I couldn't get it out of my mind. The problem is, the word that kept coming to my mind to choose bothers me a little bit. I even tried to find a Bible verse to replace it, telling myself that it was to confirm that the word was correct. Really, I would rather not have this word as my one word for the year.
Let me quote what I read so that you can understand what I'm taking about with this one word idea.
I used to make a long list of goals I’d like to achieve in the new year, but never managed to live up to them (or, at times, even remember what they were.)It only left me feeling like a failure.By Alece Ronzino
So I began choosing just One Word as I step into a new year. One word that sums up who I want to be, or a character trait I want to develop, or an attribute I want to intentionally add to my life.
And since it’s just one word, it’s easy to remember. I place reminders of it around my home and workspace, and I inevitably start seeing and hearing it everywhere, which helps me stay mindful of it.
I read the piece to my daughter and she also chose a word. She said it immediately popped into her head. I asked her what it was and she quickly replied 'caring'. When I think of my daughter, that sounds about right. I reluctantly shared the word that came to my mind with her. Her reaction was an instant 'OH!!'. That confirmed it for me; even she knows it is the right word. So now I have to accept that this is the word that God has given me. It simply won't go away.
My word is 'Attitude'.
I have always liked my attitude. I think that it is part of what makes me who I am. Not everyone else appreciates my attitude. I have an attitude problem, you see, that has plagued me for many years. It is easy enough to say that those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind; but it seems that even those who matter are minding - including myself. I am starting to see that my outlook on life is not as good as it could be. It is affecting my life, my work, my relationships, and how I react to what is happening in the moment and how I prepare for situations and events.
Over the years I have developed a negative attitude that permeates much of my thinking about everything; from finding the right size shoe at a store, to how I feel about the future of my marriage. I have little hope that anything that is currently 'bad' will change for the better. I harbour anger about some of the things that have happened in my past. There are a few things that I have regret over. Anger seems to be the only way to get myself up and moving quickly with purpose in any given area of my life. I am struggling to find joy even in a job and coaching position that just five years ago I would have been over the moon about. For the most part I have covered up these truly negative attitudes. Lately, I think that my close family and friends have seen this negativity and although it has a very practical and self preserving purpose, it is making me less palpable.
Maybe some of my readers are surprised to read that I have a dark pessimistic realism that does not lend itself to exuberant joy and warm fuzzies. I think I have been that joyful person. I do feel deeply and react strongly; but lately, I feel kind of like I'm dragging around a dead spirit in my back pocket. I want it to go away. It feels like a dark cloud has been hanging around my mind and spirit for the past three years or so. It is making me tired. I pray for deliverance. I pray that as I meditate and become intentional about my attitude, Jesus will show up when I least expect him to. I haven't lost hope in Him; but my attitude is limiting what I will allow him to do in me.
Jesus said;
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love,... that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."
John 15:9-11
Attitude.
I wonder what is going to happen this year?
My Truth - 2012
This is old, but I thought that it was sitting in the drafts because it was something I didn't want to share. Looking at it now, two years later, I think it should be shared. Some things have changed; I found a job and God blessed me with a great work environment and wonderful students. But much has stayed the same. So...
Here's the truth.
My life is a mess. It really always has been. I've never really gotten it together. I'm a mass of potential and a conglomerate of talent that hasn't focused or maintained a single direction in this life. I have an excellent background at first glance; solid family and Christian values. Like every other family out there, we have our dark corners, our dysfunction, and our secrets. I have a great education and can boast of doing well at all levels. My history in sport is filled with success and blundering errors due to a lack of effort and the wrong personality for the current coach. My marriage started on shaky ground and even in the hubris of my youth, I knew that it would take a miracle of God to keep what we had begun from completely not working. Even with the help of faith, my marriage is still not victorious or even good. I have three children who are individuals and pursuing their own place in life and it seems as a co-parent all I can pray for is that they rise above the mess from which they come. So far, it seems that they may very well do so and their story is only just beginning. I often wonder if I ever should have procreated. I am currently invisible in the job market. My education, skills, experience, and personality is not fitting the current market at all. I can't seem to find my way into the very place I thought I belonged. I really wish I could have just stayed at home and been satisfied with what I had. Satisfaction is not my strong suit and it makes it difficult to be in my presence; just ask my husband. He's found a new job and seems to be currently looking for a new life. The one he has with me is exhausting and lacks the peace he seeks. He was once a hard working man and I guess he could use some rest. I can't speak his truth; even though I have in the past and destroyed what little trust and intimacy existed between us. I am apart of a church that lacks passion and loses leaders like leaves falling off a tree in Autumn. The thing is, I love these people; and not just the ones I know personally, I love the whole church. We are far from pure as the driven snow and some would seek to weed out those that hold back our blessing from God. Then throw me out. I've blown it so many times and in so many ways. Since joining that church I've been drunk; I've lied; I've been a gossiper and cheated; I've withheld money I should have given; I've stolen; I've been divisive and petty; I've been a leader and not had my house or life in order; I am arrogant in my goodness; I've neglected my duty as a wife and mother; I've been disrespectful; I've harboured anger toward our members and leaders; and I've brought shame to the Gospel of God to those who know I believe.
This past Sunday our pastor preached a sermon that focused on the hope we have to share with the world. He made much of what God has done for us.
I have little hope that things in my life will get any better. I doubt that I will experience any lasting victory or benefit from the faith that I have in this lifetime. I do not believe because I think that God will bless me with money and healthy relationships. If that was where my faith lay I would have walked away from Jesus years ago. I have no money, and I have horrible relationships. But I do know that I will not abandon my faith. The Spirit testifies within me that this is not the end. This life is just that, this life; my true life will begin once I am resurrected and with my saviour for all eternity. I trust that I will be with Jesus because he said that I should repent and believe in him and I did that; and I do that every time I mess it up again. I have assurance in my salvation; not because my life reflects how righteous I am but because righteousness has been cloaked around me by the power of the blood. Where is the fruit of my salvation that some may look for and not find? Where is the maturity of faith that shows itself in righteous living and good works? Of what can I boast that I have done for Jesus and not for myself? I am deeply grieved when I don't let Christ be evident because of a sinful nature that battles for control and I let rule too often. I know that he is my Lord; but does any one else?
The Gospel is not my personal testimony. The gospel is the good news that God sent his son Jesus to intercede for your sin because you can not be in the presence of a his holiness. He chose a people to be his own out of every tribe, tongue, and nation. God began his quest for a people to call his own with the Jewish nation. He chose them not because they were so great but because they weren't. Even within this Jewish nation, only a remnant will remain in the final number called to be with the LORD in eternity. It is the gift of God that anyone is saved and not because of anything you have done. And that gift cost God big time. Jesus had to die. He had to live as a man - and be God at the same time. I don't think anyone fully understands the gravity of that. Your salvation is free because Jesus paid for it.
The cross means so much to me because the truth is... I don't think there is anyone who would even bother to save me if they really knew who I was. Does anyone get that they are sinful anymore? Does anyone see how desperately they need this good news? I'm sure you are thinking I'm a pretty depressed person after reading all I've said. But I'm actually not. I smile often, laugh loud, enjoy friends, work hard, plan vacations, take my kids on hikes, read good books, encourage others to learn from their mistakes, love to have sex, enjoy a good meal, have company for dinner, clean up my house, exercise, go camping, teach, and keep on learning from all the mess that is around me - including the mess I've created.
Here's the truth.
My life is a mess. It really always has been. I've never really gotten it together. I'm a mass of potential and a conglomerate of talent that hasn't focused or maintained a single direction in this life. I have an excellent background at first glance; solid family and Christian values. Like every other family out there, we have our dark corners, our dysfunction, and our secrets. I have a great education and can boast of doing well at all levels. My history in sport is filled with success and blundering errors due to a lack of effort and the wrong personality for the current coach. My marriage started on shaky ground and even in the hubris of my youth, I knew that it would take a miracle of God to keep what we had begun from completely not working. Even with the help of faith, my marriage is still not victorious or even good. I have three children who are individuals and pursuing their own place in life and it seems as a co-parent all I can pray for is that they rise above the mess from which they come. So far, it seems that they may very well do so and their story is only just beginning. I often wonder if I ever should have procreated. I am currently invisible in the job market. My education, skills, experience, and personality is not fitting the current market at all. I can't seem to find my way into the very place I thought I belonged. I really wish I could have just stayed at home and been satisfied with what I had. Satisfaction is not my strong suit and it makes it difficult to be in my presence; just ask my husband. He's found a new job and seems to be currently looking for a new life. The one he has with me is exhausting and lacks the peace he seeks. He was once a hard working man and I guess he could use some rest. I can't speak his truth; even though I have in the past and destroyed what little trust and intimacy existed between us. I am apart of a church that lacks passion and loses leaders like leaves falling off a tree in Autumn. The thing is, I love these people; and not just the ones I know personally, I love the whole church. We are far from pure as the driven snow and some would seek to weed out those that hold back our blessing from God. Then throw me out. I've blown it so many times and in so many ways. Since joining that church I've been drunk; I've lied; I've been a gossiper and cheated; I've withheld money I should have given; I've stolen; I've been divisive and petty; I've been a leader and not had my house or life in order; I am arrogant in my goodness; I've neglected my duty as a wife and mother; I've been disrespectful; I've harboured anger toward our members and leaders; and I've brought shame to the Gospel of God to those who know I believe.
This past Sunday our pastor preached a sermon that focused on the hope we have to share with the world. He made much of what God has done for us.
I have little hope that things in my life will get any better. I doubt that I will experience any lasting victory or benefit from the faith that I have in this lifetime. I do not believe because I think that God will bless me with money and healthy relationships. If that was where my faith lay I would have walked away from Jesus years ago. I have no money, and I have horrible relationships. But I do know that I will not abandon my faith. The Spirit testifies within me that this is not the end. This life is just that, this life; my true life will begin once I am resurrected and with my saviour for all eternity. I trust that I will be with Jesus because he said that I should repent and believe in him and I did that; and I do that every time I mess it up again. I have assurance in my salvation; not because my life reflects how righteous I am but because righteousness has been cloaked around me by the power of the blood. Where is the fruit of my salvation that some may look for and not find? Where is the maturity of faith that shows itself in righteous living and good works? Of what can I boast that I have done for Jesus and not for myself? I am deeply grieved when I don't let Christ be evident because of a sinful nature that battles for control and I let rule too often. I know that he is my Lord; but does any one else?
The Gospel is not my personal testimony. The gospel is the good news that God sent his son Jesus to intercede for your sin because you can not be in the presence of a his holiness. He chose a people to be his own out of every tribe, tongue, and nation. God began his quest for a people to call his own with the Jewish nation. He chose them not because they were so great but because they weren't. Even within this Jewish nation, only a remnant will remain in the final number called to be with the LORD in eternity. It is the gift of God that anyone is saved and not because of anything you have done. And that gift cost God big time. Jesus had to die. He had to live as a man - and be God at the same time. I don't think anyone fully understands the gravity of that. Your salvation is free because Jesus paid for it.
The cross means so much to me because the truth is... I don't think there is anyone who would even bother to save me if they really knew who I was. Does anyone get that they are sinful anymore? Does anyone see how desperately they need this good news? I'm sure you are thinking I'm a pretty depressed person after reading all I've said. But I'm actually not. I smile often, laugh loud, enjoy friends, work hard, plan vacations, take my kids on hikes, read good books, encourage others to learn from their mistakes, love to have sex, enjoy a good meal, have company for dinner, clean up my house, exercise, go camping, teach, and keep on learning from all the mess that is around me - including the mess I've created.
27.11.10
Advent 2010
To begin Advent this year I've been thinking about the gospel.
One phrase that keeps repeating itself over and over in my mind came from the mouth of R.C. Sproul; the gospel isn't your personal testimony. With that in mind, this Christmas I am going to look into what it really is.
What is the good news?
Romans 1:1-6 will be my guiding text as I search the scripture for the message of the 'gospel of God'.
"Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God, which he promised beforehand through his prophets in the holy Scriptures, concerning his Son, who was descended from David according to the flesh and was declared to be the Son of God in power according to the Spirit of holiness by his resurrection from the dead, Jesus Christ our Lord, through whom we have received grace and apostleship to bring about the obedience of faith for the sake of his name among all the nations, including you who are called to belong to Jesus Christ"
One phrase that keeps repeating itself over and over in my mind came from the mouth of R.C. Sproul; the gospel isn't your personal testimony. With that in mind, this Christmas I am going to look into what it really is.
What is the good news?
Romans 1:1-6 will be my guiding text as I search the scripture for the message of the 'gospel of God'.
"Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God, which he promised beforehand through his prophets in the holy Scriptures, concerning his Son, who was descended from David according to the flesh and was declared to be the Son of God in power according to the Spirit of holiness by his resurrection from the dead, Jesus Christ our Lord, through whom we have received grace and apostleship to bring about the obedience of faith for the sake of his name among all the nations, including you who are called to belong to Jesus Christ"
17.11.10
Proverbs 2:6-11
For the LORD gives wisdom;
from his mouth come knowledge and understanding;
he stores up sound wisdom for the upright;
he is a shield to those who walk in integrity,
guarding the paths of justice
and watching over the way of his saints.
Then you will understand righteousness and justice
and equity, every good path;
for wisdom will come into your heart,
and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul;
discretion will watch over you,
understanding will guard you
Taken from the Desiring God Blog
For the LORD gives wisdom;
from his mouth come knowledge and understanding;
he stores up sound wisdom for the upright;
he is a shield to those who walk in integrity,
guarding the paths of justice
and watching over the way of his saints.
Then you will understand righteousness and justice
and equity, every good path;
for wisdom will come into your heart,
and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul;
discretion will watch over you,
understanding will guard you
Taken from the Desiring God Blog
The radical claim of the Bible is that wisdom isn't first a book, or a system, or a set of commands or principles. No, wisdom is a person, and his name is Jesus Christ. When you and I are graced into acceptance with him, we're drawn into a personal relationship with Wisdom, and Wisdom begins a lifelong process of freeing us from the stronghold that the foolishness of sin has on us. We aren't yet completely free, but there will be a day when our every thought, desire, choice, action, and word will be fundamentally wise!
It makes such sense then, that a repentant man (David) would reflect on his need for wisdom. Sin, in reducing us to fools, causes us to do foolish things, even though we think we're wise. And for this we need more than information, education, and experience. We need exactly what we find in Christ—grace.
Wisdom is the product of grace; there is simply nowhere else it can be found.
15.11.10
I think I've used this song by U2 before. Again, it is a perfect description of where I am at on this journey.
One Step Closer u2
I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing
These words haunt me because I wish I knew what I was closer to knowing.
One Step Closer u2
I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing
These words haunt me because I wish I knew what I was closer to knowing.
2.11.10
Blessed be the name of the Lord
In good and bad times
He gives and takes away
He does what seems good to Him
He is faithful, loving , and gracious
It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Lord
He sees our sins ever before him
Yet with Jesus standing for us, will remember them no more
We are saved by faith alone
Our God saves
The cross is salvation from sin
The cross spells victory for us
Victory for eternity
Victory now... ?
Does his healing and saving make a difference now?
Marriages struggle and fail
Violence, greed, perversion, cruelty, and indifference
Found even among the called
How can it be?
Sinners we still are; our nature against the Spirit within
Resurrection power
Call out for it
May it be as it should be within my soul
I am dead
We are dead
Resurrection power
Make me alive
May I see victory...
even now
In good and bad times
He gives and takes away
He does what seems good to Him
He is faithful, loving , and gracious
It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Lord
He sees our sins ever before him
Yet with Jesus standing for us, will remember them no more
We are saved by faith alone
Our God saves
The cross is salvation from sin
The cross spells victory for us
Victory for eternity
Victory now... ?
Does his healing and saving make a difference now?
Marriages struggle and fail
Violence, greed, perversion, cruelty, and indifference
Found even among the called
How can it be?
Sinners we still are; our nature against the Spirit within
Resurrection power
Call out for it
May it be as it should be within my soul
I am dead
We are dead
Resurrection power
Make me alive
May I see victory...
even now
1.11.10
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