mariasinsidevoice.wordpress.com
Go to the above web-site to continue to read my posts... it's been awhile.
10.10.18
30.7.18
Moving Day
An otherwise successful moving day has rendered me without my computer, my passport and Nexus card missing, and other convenient items gone. All because three bags have gotten lost or stolen. A Hershel computer bag (with shoulder straps, blue on top and red with white stripes on the bottom), my backpack (a DC brand grey one with the blue zippers), and a Trader Joes grocery bag that says Arizona on it. It's all missing. Just gone. And now I have to replace it all.
I can’t seem to let this one go. I keep trying to retrace my steps and figure out where it could be. But, I think I have to accept its disappearance. It’s just stuff, not a person. I know where all my people are.
It’s important stuff. But not as important as people.
I won’t be writing here for a bit. So, take care of your people and make sure you watch that important stuff a little bit too.
Later.... until I get a computer and sort out my identity, I’ll be away 😉
I can’t seem to let this one go. I keep trying to retrace my steps and figure out where it could be. But, I think I have to accept its disappearance. It’s just stuff, not a person. I know where all my people are.
It’s important stuff. But not as important as people.
I won’t be writing here for a bit. So, take care of your people and make sure you watch that important stuff a little bit too.
Later.... until I get a computer and sort out my identity, I’ll be away 😉
25.7.18
A blog description
I just wrote a description for this blog. What a frustrating process. Blogger only allows 150 characters; actually it's 148, which meant I had to remove the commas. That was not easy for this teacher to let happen. But I kind of had to... so below is my original description.
Now obviously, that is too long. So, I spent an hour of time that I don't have to reduce it to this;
I had to remove those commas in the first sentence and the italics don't show up. Ridiculous. This is what you do when you're procrastinating. I'm going to have to move this whole blog to Wordpress and get an actual web-site. Urgh.
I should be packing. Move day is Saturday. I'll be posting an exciting tale of that adventure once I've recovered. I'm moving into a basement suite for the first time in over 25 years with just one of the three children. It's never boring around here. The oldest boy, still has no confirmed place to lay his head. Did I say we move in four days? Yeah.... Jesus knows what he's doing, he rose from the dead in less time. He's got this. I'm just going to keep saying that since my faith is waning.
Later folks. :)
A blog about Maria; a melding of her mental, emotional, and
spiritual journey.
I write to express my feelings, but more than that... I
write to process those feelings and what I think, putting the two together. My
writing is a melding of the mental and the emotional. When I am speaking, I'm
learning and understanding better what I think and sometimes even coming up
with brand new ideas. In conversation, as I listen, I'm gaining new information
from the emotions, ideas, and experiences of others. My writing is an extension
of conversation. Conversation with myself, others, and with God. I'm a
believer. I'm a follower of Jesus, the King of Kings. This means that not only
does the conversation you read come from me and others in my life, but also the
Holy Spirit. My voice in print is a blended outpouring of what I think, what I'm
learning from others, and how Jesus is shaping me. It's a bit messy. I
originally chose the title 'voice' from John the Baptist's response to who he
was in John 1:23 "I am the voice of one calling in the wilderness, 'Make
straight the way of the Lord.'" I am calling from my own wilderness so
that I can be made straight. You'll find no judgement here. I post publicly so
that if anyone can be comforted or learn something new as I journey through my
wilderness, then nothing has been in vain. I post publicly to proclaim what
Jesus has done and is doing for me and in me.
Now obviously, that is too long. So, I spent an hour of time that I don't have to reduce it to this;
What I’m thinking, feeling, learning. I am the voice of one calling in the wilderness. Comfort to you from
my wilderness, what Jesus has done for me.
I had to remove those commas in the first sentence and the italics don't show up. Ridiculous. This is what you do when you're procrastinating. I'm going to have to move this whole blog to Wordpress and get an actual web-site. Urgh.
I should be packing. Move day is Saturday. I'll be posting an exciting tale of that adventure once I've recovered. I'm moving into a basement suite for the first time in over 25 years with just one of the three children. It's never boring around here. The oldest boy, still has no confirmed place to lay his head. Did I say we move in four days? Yeah.... Jesus knows what he's doing, he rose from the dead in less time. He's got this. I'm just going to keep saying that since my faith is waning.
Later folks. :)
23.7.18
A Toast to mom and dad – 50 Years of Married Bliss
My parents celebrated fifty years of marriage back in May of this year. They went on a cruise and we had a party for them this weekend. It was truly a wonderful afternoon. Everyone in attendance was either family by marriage or blood or adoption, or had known my parents for fifty years or more. We took so many pictures, talked and laughed and ate together. Here is the toast that my sisters and I gave them.
-Corinna-
Mom &
Dad,
So many have
been blessed by your love for each other; a love that is full, visible,
authentic, and still filled with passion. In your marriage you have travelled
together, supported each other’s work and passions, stood united as parents and
grandparents, and folded in new additions to the family with words of wisdom,
grace, and good food.
-Maria-
As your
children, we’ve watched you learn about each other, only realizing the lessons
we were learning as we got older, and sometimes too late. Your extended family
has grown, not just because of biological grandchildren or marriage, but also
because you continually allow others to enter in and be accepted as family. We
have learned to have open arms for other sojourners because of your example; we
are better for it, and our family is better for it.
-Julie-
Mom and dad,
you have led us as Jesus has led you. Your devotion to his leading is evident
to all and the love displayed in your marriage has its roots in the very love
of God; you love because He first loved you. Fifty years of marriage is about
commitment, compromises, growth, perseverance, and sacrifice. But it’s more
than that, we celebrate today your fifty years of love.
-Maria-
Please raise
a glass with us to our parents…
-all
together-
Here’s to
you mom & dad. The happiest lovers we know! Happy 50th!!
C.S. Lewis Rules about Prayer
I've been getting the Biblegateway C.S. Lewis Daily quote for a few months now every morning. I am really enjoying it. I've always liked him as an author and read many of his books, my favourite being the Chronicles of Narnia and The Screwtape Letters. What I like about this service from Biblegateway, is I'm getting quotes and notes from him that I've never read before from compilations of his letters and thoughts. It's super cool. This one today seemed very appropriate as in the summer I get a bit lazy about devotional and prayer time.
TO DR. F MORGAN ROBERTS: On Lewis's own rules about prayer
31 July 1954
I am certainly unfit to advise anyone else on the devotional life. My own rules are (1) To make sure that, wherever else they may be placed, the main prayers should not be put 'last thing at night'. (2) To avoid introspection in prayer - I mean not to watch one's own mind to see if it is in the right frame, but always to turn the attention outwards to God. (3) Never, never to try to generate an emotion by will power. (4) To pray without words when I am able, but to fall back on words when tired or otherwise below par. Wit renewed thanks. Perhaps you will sometime pray for me?
TO DR. F MORGAN ROBERTS: On Lewis's own rules about prayer
31 July 1954
I am certainly unfit to advise anyone else on the devotional life. My own rules are (1) To make sure that, wherever else they may be placed, the main prayers should not be put 'last thing at night'. (2) To avoid introspection in prayer - I mean not to watch one's own mind to see if it is in the right frame, but always to turn the attention outwards to God. (3) Never, never to try to generate an emotion by will power. (4) To pray without words when I am able, but to fall back on words when tired or otherwise below par. Wit renewed thanks. Perhaps you will sometime pray for me?
Adulting Tips
I wrote some adulting tips for the final graduating class at Hope LCS this year. Five wonderful students who are set to hit the world on their own soon. I created a kit for them with a water bottle, grocery cart token, hand sanitizer, pack of tissues, tooth picks, gum, and a pen. I attached this little note as well. I thought they were all things they need as they head out there.
Love those kids and I wish them all the best. I sure hope to run into them over the next year.
Love those kids and I wish them all the best. I sure hope to run into them over the next year.
1. Stay hydrated. Drink Water.
2. Get involved and get dirty. Wash your hands and
sanitize to stay healthy.
3. Keep your teeth clean and your breathe fresh.
4. Bring tissue, because you never know when you’ll
need to cry.
5. When you grocery shop, always get a cart.
6. Ask questions. It’s OK if you don’t know stuff.
7. Schedule your life. Use a calendar and follow
routines.
8. Save your money and be generous.
9. Be vulnerable and love.
10. Choose Jesus. Always. First.
I think I even need to remember these things as I move into a new phase in life too.
Tips for great sex in your marriage
I wrote these for a couple of young ladies this past year that got married. I don't think its conclusive or even unique, its just my compilation. And... I like sharing this kind of stuff. It's nurse approved and tested out by me as well. LOL
1. Talk about it first. Talk about it after.
1. Talk about it first. Talk about it after.
What
are your expectations? What are his? Don’t put pressure on each other for it to
be perfect that first time or that first week or ever really. You’ll figure it out. And it
gets better every single time.
2. Serve each other.
Men
are always going to come or orgasm. You are going to need to learn what you
like and tell him, so you orgasm too. And it doesn’t matter who orgasms first,
as long as you both do.
You
can’t not talk about sex. Good communication includes communicating about sex.
3. Experiment.
Only
with each other. Between you and him, it’s always OK.
4. Don’t fake it.
5. Don’t use sex as a tool to
discipline your husband, and don’t listen to anyone who tells you to do so.
6. Be clean.
Shower
before. Shower after. Make this a routine and invest in a hand-held shower
head. And I don’t know if you know this, but don’t use soap down there. Rinse
with a lot of water. Being clean also means keep that pubic hair under
control. Shave it, trim it, shape it; find out what you both like and do that.
This applies to him too.
7. Always pee afterwards.
It
is part of the cleaning process.
8. Keep a couple of small towels by
the bed to clean up any messes.
9. Drink lots of water. Keep a water
bottle by the bed (because glasses spill water all over the place when you
knock them over). You need to be hydrated for multiple reasons.
10. Take vitamin C and drink cranberry juice. It
helps to prevent UTI’s.
16.7.18
Ladybugs
I mentioned this in writing my post about 'Insiders on the Outside'. I couldn't let it go... so you get to hear the story of the ladybugs.
It was back in 2006 I think. I could be wrong. I had made some amazing friends over the previous two years while leading women's Bible study. One I met through the Alpha course and she started to come to the study I led at church afterwards. Another was introduced to me by the first while on the playground watching our kids at school. That relationship had a rocky start. She too, began to attend the Bible study and changed the dynamic we had there forever. She challenged me and grew my ability to lead in ways I hadn't known it needed. The third, followed the river one day because God told her to, and showed up at church, then at my study. She followed me to my car one day and said that I needed to mentor her. It turns out I had more to learn from her than she from me. She became the heart of us. We were a fierce group of four. Bonded in our faith and prayer, nothing could break our friendship. Cancer took my soulmate, mentor, friend, and the heart of our group in 2008, but this story is about what happened before.
The four of us had decided to head out together for a women's weekend to get away from our families and responsibilities. We had a place that one of us found through friends that was by the Fraser river in a small community east of civilization; only a couple of hours away by car. The house was meant for retreat and solitude, so we were pumped. We packed up games, crafts, food, and lots of wine, and headed out to our destination. Even the drive out was amazing as we watched the mountains rise higher, the houses disappear, and the trees press in. Once we arrived we surveyed the property and walked through the house. Going upstairs we started to lay claim to what bedroom would be ours. It was a big three story house with six bedrooms, three bathrooms, a beautiful deck, and a warm and inviting main room that connected to the kitchen. I picked a room at the end of the hallway and went to drop off my suitcase and settle in a bit before we started lunch. But I was met with a surprise; the room was filled with ladybugs! They were all over the window sill, climbing the walls, and flying around occasionally. Everyone came in to see the sight. None of us had ever seen anything like it before! There were only four bedrooms upstairs, with the other two on the bottom floor.
I wasn't happy. I know that ladybugs are supposed to be good luck, but hundreds of them was not manageable. I couldn't sleep in there. By the way, I don't believe in that stuff at all. Life is not random and crossing paths with something that may or may not be good luck will not change the outcome of anything in my life. Anyway, we didn't know what to do about all of them and we weren't really sure how they got in there, so we just closed the door. I was the youngest of the group, and they always liked to play on that. Laughing, they banished me to the basement. I felt like I was going to be all alone in a place where I wanted to be surrounded by them. But I didn't want to be difficult or stupid about it either. We were grown women, it was no big deal. Downstairs, I had my own bathroom, it was cooler at night, and the bed was bigger and more comfortable than the one upstairs. So, I left the ladybugs to themselves. The ladybugs relegating me to the basement bedroom alone shaped the rest of the weekend for me, in a good way.
The rest of our retreat, they called me the ladybug woman. It was cute. I took it. I got over not being upstairs with them too. My separate dwelling downstairs became a little private personal retreat. I was being awakened by songs in my head and singing them out loud without worrying that I was disturbing anyone, and I could stay in the bathroom as long as I wanted. I felt like retiring downstairs at the end of the day gave me a place to process the days events, go over things that we talked about, internalizing the words of wisdom, putting to memory the good humour, and pondering the feelings of comfort. This retreat was in the midst of my abusive first marriage and the alone time was something I had needed but didn't realize. I like to think that the ladybugs being in that room played a roll in my awakening that weekend. It's like they hung over the whole place. Ladybugs are known to be natural enemies of many bugs that can ruin a garden. It's as if that weekend, they protected us from that which may have ruined our time together, not just for me, but for all of us. They were the protectors in the room upstairs. It sounds silly when I know I don't believe in that stuff... but it's grown on me over the years as the ladybug references pop up in my life. That weekend solidified our friendship. We played games, made memory books, drank too much wine, danced, laughed, hiked, prayed together, cried, made special meals, and spoke the unspeakable. It was cathartic, uniting, and fights back at despair even to this day. This was the first of several retreats with the four of us. We had one last retreat together before our heart died in 2008, but we haven't done it again. The memory of them and their healing nature binds the three of us together and always will.
I truly became the ladybug woman that following Christmas when I received a ladybug tree ornament from the heart of the group. I get ladybug gifts occasionally; from students, sisters, friends... and I always remember how it began that weekend on the river. To me, those ladybugs taking my room are a part of that weekend and our friendship. I am the ladybug woman and I'll protect what we have for all time; my prayers always for their good. Ladybugs remind me that I have Jesus who is standing guard over my friendship with them, ensuring that we are constantly at peace with one another. It is a symbol of how I want to be open and vulnerable to others so that new relationships can flourish and be protected. It is a reminder of the past and a portent for the future. If you see a ladybug, remember that you have a God who wants to protect you from that which would ruin your garden, and remember that your friends need you to be a ladybug woman for them.
It was back in 2006 I think. I could be wrong. I had made some amazing friends over the previous two years while leading women's Bible study. One I met through the Alpha course and she started to come to the study I led at church afterwards. Another was introduced to me by the first while on the playground watching our kids at school. That relationship had a rocky start. She too, began to attend the Bible study and changed the dynamic we had there forever. She challenged me and grew my ability to lead in ways I hadn't known it needed. The third, followed the river one day because God told her to, and showed up at church, then at my study. She followed me to my car one day and said that I needed to mentor her. It turns out I had more to learn from her than she from me. She became the heart of us. We were a fierce group of four. Bonded in our faith and prayer, nothing could break our friendship. Cancer took my soulmate, mentor, friend, and the heart of our group in 2008, but this story is about what happened before.
The four of us had decided to head out together for a women's weekend to get away from our families and responsibilities. We had a place that one of us found through friends that was by the Fraser river in a small community east of civilization; only a couple of hours away by car. The house was meant for retreat and solitude, so we were pumped. We packed up games, crafts, food, and lots of wine, and headed out to our destination. Even the drive out was amazing as we watched the mountains rise higher, the houses disappear, and the trees press in. Once we arrived we surveyed the property and walked through the house. Going upstairs we started to lay claim to what bedroom would be ours. It was a big three story house with six bedrooms, three bathrooms, a beautiful deck, and a warm and inviting main room that connected to the kitchen. I picked a room at the end of the hallway and went to drop off my suitcase and settle in a bit before we started lunch. But I was met with a surprise; the room was filled with ladybugs! They were all over the window sill, climbing the walls, and flying around occasionally. Everyone came in to see the sight. None of us had ever seen anything like it before! There were only four bedrooms upstairs, with the other two on the bottom floor.
I wasn't happy. I know that ladybugs are supposed to be good luck, but hundreds of them was not manageable. I couldn't sleep in there. By the way, I don't believe in that stuff at all. Life is not random and crossing paths with something that may or may not be good luck will not change the outcome of anything in my life. Anyway, we didn't know what to do about all of them and we weren't really sure how they got in there, so we just closed the door. I was the youngest of the group, and they always liked to play on that. Laughing, they banished me to the basement. I felt like I was going to be all alone in a place where I wanted to be surrounded by them. But I didn't want to be difficult or stupid about it either. We were grown women, it was no big deal. Downstairs, I had my own bathroom, it was cooler at night, and the bed was bigger and more comfortable than the one upstairs. So, I left the ladybugs to themselves. The ladybugs relegating me to the basement bedroom alone shaped the rest of the weekend for me, in a good way.
The rest of our retreat, they called me the ladybug woman. It was cute. I took it. I got over not being upstairs with them too. My separate dwelling downstairs became a little private personal retreat. I was being awakened by songs in my head and singing them out loud without worrying that I was disturbing anyone, and I could stay in the bathroom as long as I wanted. I felt like retiring downstairs at the end of the day gave me a place to process the days events, go over things that we talked about, internalizing the words of wisdom, putting to memory the good humour, and pondering the feelings of comfort. This retreat was in the midst of my abusive first marriage and the alone time was something I had needed but didn't realize. I like to think that the ladybugs being in that room played a roll in my awakening that weekend. It's like they hung over the whole place. Ladybugs are known to be natural enemies of many bugs that can ruin a garden. It's as if that weekend, they protected us from that which may have ruined our time together, not just for me, but for all of us. They were the protectors in the room upstairs. It sounds silly when I know I don't believe in that stuff... but it's grown on me over the years as the ladybug references pop up in my life. That weekend solidified our friendship. We played games, made memory books, drank too much wine, danced, laughed, hiked, prayed together, cried, made special meals, and spoke the unspeakable. It was cathartic, uniting, and fights back at despair even to this day. This was the first of several retreats with the four of us. We had one last retreat together before our heart died in 2008, but we haven't done it again. The memory of them and their healing nature binds the three of us together and always will.
I truly became the ladybug woman that following Christmas when I received a ladybug tree ornament from the heart of the group. I get ladybug gifts occasionally; from students, sisters, friends... and I always remember how it began that weekend on the river. To me, those ladybugs taking my room are a part of that weekend and our friendship. I am the ladybug woman and I'll protect what we have for all time; my prayers always for their good. Ladybugs remind me that I have Jesus who is standing guard over my friendship with them, ensuring that we are constantly at peace with one another. It is a symbol of how I want to be open and vulnerable to others so that new relationships can flourish and be protected. It is a reminder of the past and a portent for the future. If you see a ladybug, remember that you have a God who wants to protect you from that which would ruin your garden, and remember that your friends need you to be a ladybug woman for them.
Insider on the Outside
I'm in Arizona for another day, then we're heading to Canada together, my hubby and I. It will be a whole month of living and life together, the longest we've had since we met. I'm on the inside now. I'm his wife. I belong with him, where ever he may be. He's on the inside too. He's my husband. He belongs where I am. We're on the inside, but there remains parts that are on the outside. When I'm at his house, it's still his house. In so many ways I don't belong here. It's going to be my home soon, but there is really nothing of me here. I put a ladybug magnet on the fridge a while back, that's my only mark on this place. A ladybug magnet. Ladybugs are kind of my thing, but not really by choice and I don't really collect them either. That's a whole other story. I'll have to tell you that one too. Another post... I'm trying to stay focused, and it's not working. I'll write that one next, maybe today.
I'm an insider on the outside with his friends, his church, and his kids. Our kids still see us as outsiders. They accept that we're married, but not that we have anything to do with them. I had originally thought that our life together was not going to be about them. Oh how wrong I was... recent events and difficulties with our kids have me realizing that our life will always be connected to them. We're both going to have to figure out our roles in each others children's lives. And all I can do is pray that it won't be too messy. It is nice to have a partner in the kid thing. They are forever, so it's good to know that I'm not alone... and neither is he.
I've spent a week with two of my step daughters and it's been one disappointment after another. That sounds pretty harsh, but it sure felt that way at times this week. They seem to have no interest in getting to know me. I'm a grown woman and I'm struggling to figure out how to connect. I'm supposed to be good at this. I was a youth worker for more than a decade, I've got my own children and their friends love me, I've been a teacher for nine years, I've been a coach for as long as I can remember, taught Sunday School, been a youth sponsor at church; teenagers like me. This is different. I have so much to lose with them. I don't want to mess it up. There is so much more at stake. I find myself second guessing what to do and say. I'm quiet. Yes. I'm quiet, when ordinarily I'd be talkative and loud and listening to music. I do let myself go sometimes with them, so they see who I am, but often, I don't feel like myself. I want them to feel that I'm not in their territory but that I'm here to be a resource, a friend, a part of their lives in support and with their dad. I want them to know that I'm with their dad and support his direction, his dreams, and his prayers for them. I'm just not sure I'm communicating that.
When I first met Gene, I started to pray for his children. I remember the prayers I prayed for his oldest daughter. I felt so drawn to pray for her. I would write out prayers for her and felt called to be a part of her life. I have prayed for his son. He's lost, and angry, and has shut out his dad... they have both shut each other out. So much about that I don't understand. I still haven't met him, I long to meet him. I pray that I can somehow be a bridge between them, soften the anger between them, smooth the past wrongs, and open a new door for them both. I am constantly praying for salvation, that all our children would know Jesus. My prayers recently for his two youngest daughters have been more intense. I'm asking that they would open their hearts to me, that I would open up to them and understand what I need to do and say. My constant absence makes every meeting I have with them feel weighted down with unnecessary tension that I do not respond well to. I beat myself up for missed opportunities and a lack of courage to speak. I am constantly in a state of regret it seems when it comes to my step children. Where I barge in and speak with authority into my own children's lives, I am incapable of doing with his. Maybe that is how it is supposed to be. They aren't mine. They are his. That chasm may always be there. I don't know what to make of it.
But then, on their last day with us, some drama helped God break through and give me the opportunity I needed. I was able to step up, take charge, comfort, and speak wise words. I cried with them both. Hugged and prayed. It was a good thing hidden within the drama of the day. I'm thankful for the unexpected that gave this outsider a taste of the inside with them. Now I long for it more. I can't wait for more. Tears... rolling down my face as I realize how much love for them I have. My three children back in Canada, their place in my heart and mind will never be eclipsed. I didn't know I had more room in there. Praise Jesus, he's making my heart grow bigger. I love my kids.... all seven of them. On the inside, I'm not an outsider at all.
I'm an insider on the outside with his friends, his church, and his kids. Our kids still see us as outsiders. They accept that we're married, but not that we have anything to do with them. I had originally thought that our life together was not going to be about them. Oh how wrong I was... recent events and difficulties with our kids have me realizing that our life will always be connected to them. We're both going to have to figure out our roles in each others children's lives. And all I can do is pray that it won't be too messy. It is nice to have a partner in the kid thing. They are forever, so it's good to know that I'm not alone... and neither is he.
I've spent a week with two of my step daughters and it's been one disappointment after another. That sounds pretty harsh, but it sure felt that way at times this week. They seem to have no interest in getting to know me. I'm a grown woman and I'm struggling to figure out how to connect. I'm supposed to be good at this. I was a youth worker for more than a decade, I've got my own children and their friends love me, I've been a teacher for nine years, I've been a coach for as long as I can remember, taught Sunday School, been a youth sponsor at church; teenagers like me. This is different. I have so much to lose with them. I don't want to mess it up. There is so much more at stake. I find myself second guessing what to do and say. I'm quiet. Yes. I'm quiet, when ordinarily I'd be talkative and loud and listening to music. I do let myself go sometimes with them, so they see who I am, but often, I don't feel like myself. I want them to feel that I'm not in their territory but that I'm here to be a resource, a friend, a part of their lives in support and with their dad. I want them to know that I'm with their dad and support his direction, his dreams, and his prayers for them. I'm just not sure I'm communicating that.
When I first met Gene, I started to pray for his children. I remember the prayers I prayed for his oldest daughter. I felt so drawn to pray for her. I would write out prayers for her and felt called to be a part of her life. I have prayed for his son. He's lost, and angry, and has shut out his dad... they have both shut each other out. So much about that I don't understand. I still haven't met him, I long to meet him. I pray that I can somehow be a bridge between them, soften the anger between them, smooth the past wrongs, and open a new door for them both. I am constantly praying for salvation, that all our children would know Jesus. My prayers recently for his two youngest daughters have been more intense. I'm asking that they would open their hearts to me, that I would open up to them and understand what I need to do and say. My constant absence makes every meeting I have with them feel weighted down with unnecessary tension that I do not respond well to. I beat myself up for missed opportunities and a lack of courage to speak. I am constantly in a state of regret it seems when it comes to my step children. Where I barge in and speak with authority into my own children's lives, I am incapable of doing with his. Maybe that is how it is supposed to be. They aren't mine. They are his. That chasm may always be there. I don't know what to make of it.
But then, on their last day with us, some drama helped God break through and give me the opportunity I needed. I was able to step up, take charge, comfort, and speak wise words. I cried with them both. Hugged and prayed. It was a good thing hidden within the drama of the day. I'm thankful for the unexpected that gave this outsider a taste of the inside with them. Now I long for it more. I can't wait for more. Tears... rolling down my face as I realize how much love for them I have. My three children back in Canada, their place in my heart and mind will never be eclipsed. I didn't know I had more room in there. Praise Jesus, he's making my heart grow bigger. I love my kids.... all seven of them. On the inside, I'm not an outsider at all.
12.7.18
Kids are Forever
I'm away on vacation. I'm relaxed... although not sleeping that well, I sleep long. I'm reading a book, taking walks, stretching, drinking, going to the pool, watching movies, and eating good food. I'm having sex every single day. That is a big deal. Long distance marriage, that doesn't usually happen. Anyway... I won't focus on that. :)
I'm getting lots of rest as I'm not doing much, and so I'm getting a bit bored.
I'm on vacation, I'm 1930 kilometers away, but my kids still send me messages. I find out about the decisions they're making. I'm asked for help about various things. I'm told about how they have lost work, can't find a place to live, went on a date, and how they just had a really bad fight. I'm their mom, this will go on forever. And you know, I do love it and I do love them.
Let me put the boredom in perspective. I need this rest. I need to be away so that the ever present mothering can have some kind of break. So, suck it up and find stuff to do, or just be bored. Boredom can spark creativity. I don't need to go back to the children just yet, they have a way of finding me anyway.
For those of you who don't have children, mine are 24, 20, and 17. I know from my own relationship with my parents, the connection will go on forever. It is the way it is. If you don't have children and you don't want that, don't have children. You are forever a parent. To your own children, to your children's friends, to your children's children, and now I'm even a parent to my husbands children. His are 26, 24, 17, and 14. That's a lot of children. I need to start calling his and mine, ours. It's still in transition. I'll get there.
This isn't my own thought, so I'll give credit where it's due.
Kids are forever. ~ Rachel Hammer
I'm getting lots of rest as I'm not doing much, and so I'm getting a bit bored.
I'm on vacation, I'm 1930 kilometers away, but my kids still send me messages. I find out about the decisions they're making. I'm asked for help about various things. I'm told about how they have lost work, can't find a place to live, went on a date, and how they just had a really bad fight. I'm their mom, this will go on forever. And you know, I do love it and I do love them.
Let me put the boredom in perspective. I need this rest. I need to be away so that the ever present mothering can have some kind of break. So, suck it up and find stuff to do, or just be bored. Boredom can spark creativity. I don't need to go back to the children just yet, they have a way of finding me anyway.
For those of you who don't have children, mine are 24, 20, and 17. I know from my own relationship with my parents, the connection will go on forever. It is the way it is. If you don't have children and you don't want that, don't have children. You are forever a parent. To your own children, to your children's friends, to your children's children, and now I'm even a parent to my husbands children. His are 26, 24, 17, and 14. That's a lot of children. I need to start calling his and mine, ours. It's still in transition. I'll get there.
This isn't my own thought, so I'll give credit where it's due.
Kids are forever. ~ Rachel Hammer
11.7.18
The Woods Between The Worlds
I am living a life that is in transit. I move back and forth between lives it seems. I have moved from the first half of life, onto the second, and I’m transitioning to the third.
The first half of life has seemingly gone far away. I moved from a wonderful childhood and tremendously hopeful youth, to a disappointing young adult, and into a difficult marriage. I had joys and sorrows along that road which are still apart of me now. I am glad that I have memories that are untainted by abuse and that the good relationships in my life have remained. God was good to me even when I was not following, when I was in a difficult place, and when he led me onto the next chapter.
This second chapter in my life is set in my old, familiar environment yet has new relationships, routines, and accessories. Born out of divorce, it has been difficult, healing, and fun. I have had new freedoms, experiences, and responsibilities along the way. I’m glad for the vision of my future that God placed there when it all began. He called me out in order to go; to go and be used. I knew that Jesus wanted me to go find a new place to spread my wings and set up roots, to start over. I didn’t know how it would look, where I would go, or what I would do, but I knew I would be going. While still in this second chapter, God has been able to use me despite my lack of focus and direction. There has been a lot of frivolous activity in these past few years. I’m so happy that God has used me where I am with my children, my co-workers, friends, family, and students. And they have all richly poured so much love and support into my life. That vision to go is now taking shape beyond this second chapter.
The third chapter in my life is set in the future, complete with an unfamiliar setting, new friends waiting to be made, new routines to set in motion, some exciting new thrills, and challenges that I know I'm not ready for. This is that which I have been moving toward and preparing for; it is the beginning of the call to go to a new place. But I find myself in a state of flux because I stand with one foot in chapter two, and one in chapter three. My future is here, but not yet. I cannot be fully in the new place, and I feel like it puts a strain on both places that I am in.
Have you read The Magicians Nephew by C.S. Lewis? Well, you should. It's the best book in the Chronicles of Narnia series. In the book, Lewis describes a wood between the many worlds that exist out there. The wood has small ponds that go on and on and on. It is a quiet place that has no sense of time and where nothing ever happens. It's important to not get stuck there. By jumping into a pond, you enter a different world. I have to say, that going from chapter two to chapter three over and over again, makes the wood seem like it would be a great place to take a rest. Sometimes, my interludes with my husband are like that; we escape from his world and mine, our kids and jobs, and the worries are left behind. That place, wherever it ends up being, is like the wood between the worlds. But, we can't stay there. We would get too sleepy and relaxed which would mean we were unable to meet the challenges of the worlds we both must choose to jump back into. And so, we arouse from the rest and choose a pond. Sometimes he jumps into my pond, chapter two. Sometimes, I jump into his pond, chapter three. We have one more year of standing on the border, of going into the wood and jumping into the chapter two pond, coming out again into the wood, and jumping into the chapter three pond. Sometimes we each jump into our separate ponds. The distance at times feels like he's a world away from me. I imagine that when our life living together begins, we will jump into a completely different pond. Not my pond or his pond, but our pond. That's when chapter three will really begin. Or maybe it will be chapter four. Wow... I like that better. A whole new world, a new pond; chapter four.
Currently, I've just left the wood between the worlds and we are spending some time in the chapter three pond. It's pretty good. His pond is slow paced, quiet, and warm. Can't wait to shake this place up. Yeah, we're gonna need a whole new pond.
One more year.
The first half of life has seemingly gone far away. I moved from a wonderful childhood and tremendously hopeful youth, to a disappointing young adult, and into a difficult marriage. I had joys and sorrows along that road which are still apart of me now. I am glad that I have memories that are untainted by abuse and that the good relationships in my life have remained. God was good to me even when I was not following, when I was in a difficult place, and when he led me onto the next chapter.
This second chapter in my life is set in my old, familiar environment yet has new relationships, routines, and accessories. Born out of divorce, it has been difficult, healing, and fun. I have had new freedoms, experiences, and responsibilities along the way. I’m glad for the vision of my future that God placed there when it all began. He called me out in order to go; to go and be used. I knew that Jesus wanted me to go find a new place to spread my wings and set up roots, to start over. I didn’t know how it would look, where I would go, or what I would do, but I knew I would be going. While still in this second chapter, God has been able to use me despite my lack of focus and direction. There has been a lot of frivolous activity in these past few years. I’m so happy that God has used me where I am with my children, my co-workers, friends, family, and students. And they have all richly poured so much love and support into my life. That vision to go is now taking shape beyond this second chapter.
The third chapter in my life is set in the future, complete with an unfamiliar setting, new friends waiting to be made, new routines to set in motion, some exciting new thrills, and challenges that I know I'm not ready for. This is that which I have been moving toward and preparing for; it is the beginning of the call to go to a new place. But I find myself in a state of flux because I stand with one foot in chapter two, and one in chapter three. My future is here, but not yet. I cannot be fully in the new place, and I feel like it puts a strain on both places that I am in.
Have you read The Magicians Nephew by C.S. Lewis? Well, you should. It's the best book in the Chronicles of Narnia series. In the book, Lewis describes a wood between the many worlds that exist out there. The wood has small ponds that go on and on and on. It is a quiet place that has no sense of time and where nothing ever happens. It's important to not get stuck there. By jumping into a pond, you enter a different world. I have to say, that going from chapter two to chapter three over and over again, makes the wood seem like it would be a great place to take a rest. Sometimes, my interludes with my husband are like that; we escape from his world and mine, our kids and jobs, and the worries are left behind. That place, wherever it ends up being, is like the wood between the worlds. But, we can't stay there. We would get too sleepy and relaxed which would mean we were unable to meet the challenges of the worlds we both must choose to jump back into. And so, we arouse from the rest and choose a pond. Sometimes he jumps into my pond, chapter two. Sometimes, I jump into his pond, chapter three. We have one more year of standing on the border, of going into the wood and jumping into the chapter two pond, coming out again into the wood, and jumping into the chapter three pond. Sometimes we each jump into our separate ponds. The distance at times feels like he's a world away from me. I imagine that when our life living together begins, we will jump into a completely different pond. Not my pond or his pond, but our pond. That's when chapter three will really begin. Or maybe it will be chapter four. Wow... I like that better. A whole new world, a new pond; chapter four.
Currently, I've just left the wood between the worlds and we are spending some time in the chapter three pond. It's pretty good. His pond is slow paced, quiet, and warm. Can't wait to shake this place up. Yeah, we're gonna need a whole new pond.
One more year.
eBook - A Diary of Sorts
Well, I did it.
I put my blog posts out there in an ebook. Kindle eBook.
Wow. It will be available in 72 hours...
I guess we'll see if anyone reads it. LOL
This is crazy. And Exciting.
Now I have to start posting some thoughts on the weekly, at least. I think I'll start with simple stuff that I think about every morning.
Spread the news. Now you can read what's on my mind.
I put my blog posts out there in an ebook. Kindle eBook.
Wow. It will be available in 72 hours...
I guess we'll see if anyone reads it. LOL
This is crazy. And Exciting.
Now I have to start posting some thoughts on the weekly, at least. I think I'll start with simple stuff that I think about every morning.
Spread the news. Now you can read what's on my mind.
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