Insider on the Outside

I'm in Arizona for another day, then we're heading to Canada together, my hubby and I. It will be a whole month of living and life together, the longest we've had since we met. I'm on the inside now. I'm his wife. I belong with him, where ever he may be. He's on the inside too. He's my husband. He belongs where I am. We're on the inside, but there remains parts that are on the outside. When I'm at his house, it's still his house. In so many ways I don't belong here. It's going to be my home soon, but there is really nothing of me here. I put a ladybug magnet on the fridge a while back, that's my only mark on this place. A ladybug magnet. Ladybugs are kind of my thing, but not really by choice and I don't really collect them either. That's a whole other story. I'll have to tell you that one too. Another post... I'm trying to stay focused, and it's not working. I'll write that one next, maybe today.

I'm an insider on the outside with his friends, his church, and his kids. Our kids still see us as outsiders. They accept that we're married, but not that we have anything to do with them. I had originally thought that our life together was not going to be about them. Oh how wrong I was... recent events and difficulties with our kids have me realizing that our life will always be connected to them. We're both going to have to figure out our roles in each others children's lives. And all I can do is pray that it won't be too messy. It is nice to have a partner in the kid thing. They are forever, so it's good to know that I'm not alone... and neither is he.

I've spent a week with two of my step daughters and it's been one disappointment after another. That sounds pretty harsh, but it sure felt that way at times this week. They seem to have no interest in getting to know me. I'm a grown woman and I'm struggling to figure out how to connect. I'm supposed to be good at this. I was a youth worker for more than a decade, I've got my own children and their friends love me, I've been a teacher for nine years, I've been a coach for as long as I can remember, taught Sunday School, been a youth sponsor at church; teenagers like me. This is different. I have so much to lose with them. I don't want to mess it up. There is so much more at stake. I find myself second guessing what to do and say. I'm quiet. Yes. I'm quiet, when ordinarily I'd be talkative and loud and listening to music. I do let myself go sometimes with them, so they see who I am, but often, I don't feel like myself. I want them to feel that I'm not in their territory but that I'm here to be a resource, a friend, a part of their lives in support and with their dad. I want them to know that I'm with their dad and support his direction, his dreams, and his prayers for them. I'm just not sure I'm communicating that.

When I first met Gene, I started to pray for his children. I remember the prayers I prayed for his oldest daughter. I felt so drawn to pray for her. I would write out prayers for her and felt called to be a part of her life. I have prayed for his son. He's lost, and angry, and has shut out his dad... they have both shut each other out. So much about that I don't understand. I still haven't met him, I long to meet him. I pray that I can somehow be a bridge between them, soften the anger between them, smooth the past wrongs, and open a new door for them both. I am constantly praying for salvation, that all our children would know Jesus. My prayers recently for his two youngest daughters have been more intense. I'm asking that they would open their hearts to me, that I would open up to them and understand what I need to do and say. My constant absence makes every meeting I have with them feel weighted down with unnecessary tension that I do not respond well to. I beat myself up for missed opportunities and a lack of courage to speak. I am constantly in a state of regret it seems when it comes to my step children. Where I barge in and speak with authority into my own children's lives, I am incapable of doing with his. Maybe that is how it is supposed to be. They aren't mine. They are his. That chasm may always be there. I don't know what to make of it.

But then, on their last day with us, some drama helped God break through and give me the opportunity I needed. I was able to step up, take charge, comfort, and speak wise words. I cried with them both. Hugged and prayed. It was a good thing hidden within the drama of the day. I'm thankful for the unexpected that gave this outsider a taste of the inside with them. Now I long for it more. I can't wait for more. Tears... rolling down my face as I realize how much love for them I have. My three children back in Canada, their place in my heart and mind will never be eclipsed. I didn't know I had more room in there. Praise Jesus, he's making my heart grow bigger. I love my kids.... all seven of them. On the inside, I'm not an outsider at all.