LOVE

I'm going to share this because I've been working on it for over a month. I had felt I had no resolution... but today, on Easter Sunday, while I celebrate the resurrection, I'm reminded of the victory in which I live!

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 John 4:8

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations

Deuteronomy 7:9

Who is a God like you, pardoning iniquity

   and passing over transgression

   for the remnant of his inheritance?

He does not retain his anger forever,

   because he delights in steadfast love.

Micah 7:18

Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so...

There are many verses in scripture that describe God as being the embodiment of love. His love fully expressed in the person of Jesus Christ; his death and resurrection securing yours and my salvation so that we might experience His love in relationship with Him. But...

I get really caught up on the obey Him part; not that obedience is irrelevant, because I don't believe that. Of course, if I love God back, if I love Jesus, I will follow Him; and that looks like doing what He commands, which is obedience. Even non-believers in Christ know that. Sometimes though, I get so caught up in obedience, that I don't trust that he loves me and has forgiven me. The lie that I buy regularly, is that my life is a reflection of my sin, both hidden and public, and God's punishment for all that I've done in disobedience. My dad has said repeatedly that God's love and grace for you is always 100%, your forgiveness always places you fully in God's will, and you experience 100% of his plan for you when you have a repentant heart no matter what you've done. I struggle with the reality of this claim. It causes me to think that your forgiveness means that the happiness, success, and wealth you're seeking will come to fruition because that's how God works. Life however is not always smooth and easy. Natural consequences of mistakes made, sins committed, and opportunities not taken will affect your every day. God's will must take that into account, and I believe it does; but we're stupid, or I'm stupid, and don't always remember that. I assume the train wreck of my lost potential, opportunities, and success is because I'm not in God's will and he's punishing me for my insubordination and stubborn disobedience.

Let's face it, I should know better about how to be obedient and what is required of me. I have been surrounded by God's Word; taught by wise mentors; guided along with others in community; given opportunity to serve; grown in my knowledge of the Bible: been disciplined to pray and read and follow; taught others; spread the Gospel; and given gifts by God to edify others. Yet I fall. I choose my own way, I interpret God's laws for my own pleasure, and waste the gifts I've been given. I have no trouble finding fault in myself. The human condition is that we are but dust and our efforts are not perfect. I guess I am legalistic with myself. I know that I am forgiven and yet I expect more of myself and to my shame I don't fully accept God's grace, thinking that I can somehow do something or should've done something to better earn God's love and attention.

Here's how this erroneous thinking works in my head and heart. It starts with pride. I arrogantly look at my life and count all my righteous works and knowledge, and I start to think that it seems that God is truly not keeping his end of the deal. Then, I turn on myself. I'll give Him the time I failed to be a successful basketball player and make the national team; I had been a bad ambassador for Jesus since my baptism. I didn't deserve the earthly glory of that. I suppose I can even understand that the failure of my first marriage is related to not choosing very wisely; add an obsession with sex, that at the time, was completely out of control and led to an unplanned pregnancy and you've got a disaster. God didn't bless that relationship because of my sin. I suppose even now, God's' disdain for divorce has me smack in the middle of a life of disobedience. My lack of financial security, the injustice of my divorce settlement, the lasting impact of abuse on both myself and my children, and the current job dissatisfaction I'm experiencing could all be due to God's punishment for my past sins. This kind of thinking absolves me from taking responsibility for my actions, and believes that God doesn't truly love or forgive me. Its a HUGE lie, and yet I have it there, in my heart, and it niggles at me and tears me down.

This all sounds awful and like I believe in a God that is cruel and doesn't keep his promises. I understand God's character, and yet these are the lies I live with on a daily basis. I have recently realized how bad this habit really is in my life. It's a huge hidden struggle that I am plagued with. It dulls my joy and it causes me to miss the voice of the Spirit because I'm trying to decipher what is from Him and what is not. Since I know that the job of the Holy Spirit is to convict us of sin, I find that I rarely question my feelings of guilt and immediately jump to the belief that I am being convicted, even if it really isn't lining up with God's word and character at all. I expect perfection of myself, but lack the discipline to actually produce it, throwing myself into a cycle of believing that God's blessing in my life is removed because I repeatedly don't obey and don't trust.

What exactly is the lie? The lie is...  that God doesn't love me and that he punishes me even after his forgiveness is given and that he punishes me for things that are not my sins, things that are not my fault. I've named it; it comes in different forms, but essentially that's it. It's easy for me to believe it for three reasons; first, the Bible puts obedience and love in the same sentence all the time. To show God I love him, I am to obey his commandments. I don't do that, not perfectly. I'm a sinner. So, Satan gets me on that. Secondly, the full blessing of God often seems missing from my life. My life has been hard, for a white girl in middle class Canadian society; I have first world problems. I must have fucked up something... or I'm just slightly cursed. And then there's forgiveness...Matthew 6:14-15 says... For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. That's conditional. I must forgive. I ask myself if God can forgive me of my 'unforgiveness'? I wonder what forgiveness is supposed to look like and if I'm doing it right. Satan wants me to believe that there's no way I'll ever have God's forgiveness because I am struggling with working out forgiveness in my life and how to apply what I've been given to others. Out of this, I easily jump to putting God's love in the conditional category.

Here's what I know, the lie is a lie, and so are the reasons I believe the lie. It's all lies, from the father of lies.

A song, an image from one of my students journals, the practice of prayer with my fiance, a video on grief, and a sermon have pointed the way out of this crippling lie in my soul.

A song

Hidden, a worship song, begins with a verse that describes how I grew in my faith in Jesus. It goes like this...

There was One, when I was young

Who knew my heart, He knew my sorrow

He held my hand, and He led me to trust Him

Now I am here in the safety of your love

I trust your heart and your intentions

Trust you completely, I'm listening intently

You guide me through these many shadows.

It goes on to say that as we grow and change, we grow in love for Him. My love for God should grow. My love for Jesus should grow; but is that happening? Jesus has walked with me in my darkest moments and never left. No matter what filthy thing I have allowed to enter into my life, he has known me, seen my sorrow and held my hand... and I do trust Him. So, why am I struggling with these lies that he doesn't love me? Lies that his forgiveness is removed from me? I bathed myself in this song for weeks... I'm still listening to it on repeat. My love for Jesus is being stifled because I am suffocating it with lies. I can trust his intentions, because he does love me.

Hidden

An image

In the journal writing of one of my Christian Studies students was a word picture image that called me to task on the lies I was believing. It contrasts what God does and what Satan does. I printed it out and plastered it up in places where I would be reminded of it daily.

The practice of prayer with my fiance

I pray almost daily with my fiance. It was hard for me at first. I struggled to be that open. I know... that seems like it isn't me... but prayer is an intimate discussion with God and I feared he'd see or hear something in my prayers that would make him run to the hills. When we started praying together, we were only dating and long distance too, I was very nervous about the whole thing; which is really ridiculous when I think about it now. I was missing the whole point of praying with another believer by focusing on my insecurities and not recognizing the power of two people coming together to petition and seek wisdom from the creator. I have learned and grown so much from praying with him. He regularly states in his prayers, "we love you Lord" or "I love you Lord". I was so convicted by that at first, but not in a good way. It fed into the lies that I was believing. I began to beat myself up for not loving God and thinking that no blessings would come my way because I didn't love enough. Add that to my disobedience, I was undone. The more I heard him pray those words, God used them to soothe me and not to condemn. Now when I hear him say it in prayer it washes over me as restoration, like when Jesus asked Peter if he loved him (John 21). Peter finally says, "Lord, you know everything...". And that's it, He does know everything. He knows the limitations of my love, he knows that it's depth can waiver, he knows that I need Him... He loved me first, and I'm so glad He did. ... but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

A video on grief

I stumbled across a brief video message by John Piper about grief and God's blessing in your life. I have found myself repeating the lesson to so many people. I've given it to my dad, my children, and a friend or two to comfort them in their struggle with a life that sometimes doesn't turn out how you planned. It's not all horrible and God isn't withholding anything good from you or me. He has given me a life that is amazing and beautiful in it's own messy way. Why would I ever change that!? I've been walking with the Holy Spirit and Jesus in me since I was just five years old! How amazing is that!? In the end, I have so much that I didn't earn or deserve.

Embrace the Life the God has given you

For the LORD God is a sun and a shield:

The LORD bestows favour and honour.

No good thing does he withhold

From those who walk uprightly.

Psalm 84:11

A sermon

Today is Easter Sunday. Church was filled with joy, even a little dancing... and the dancing was mostly me. :) Today the text was from Revelation 12... and we focused on verses 13-17, a description of the spiritual drama that we are currently now living in here on this earth. It gives a reason for why we still struggle with evil and why this struggle is directed at followers of Christ. Satan has made war with mankind and in particular with those who hold to the testimony of Jesus. Most of us pay no attention to the spiritual dimension and our focus in on the physical and political dimension that is swirling around us and pretty hard to see through. I don't want to preach the whole sermon all over again, I don't think I could really. What we need are Revelation glasses that enables us to see the world and our situation as it truly is. We don't live in uncertain or confusing times. In light of Jesus on the thrown, death defeated because of the cross and the resurrection, the words 'it is finished', hold deep meaning for you to live a life that is full now and into eternity. Satan's war is already over and he knows it. He just wants to screw up eternity for as many people as he can until Jesus comes back. We are living in the day of salvation; the time between the resurrection of Christ and his second coming (2 Corinthians 6:2). This is when we are living under God's grace and Satan's attack all at the same time. I have the choice to believe the lies that God doesn't love me, that he is out to punish, that my sin isn't covered by the blood on the cross, that my struggle to forgive others is futile, and that I can never love Jesus back enough. Today, I choose to accept the free gift all over again. I will need to allow the Holy Spirit to take captive all the thoughts that come against the knowledge of God (2 Corinthians 10:5). And what is the knowledge of God? It is that he is love. That he loved the world. That he loves me. And he loves you.

Frustrated

A stupid dumb day has got me realizing that I need to unload a whole bunch of thoughts and frustrations through my writing. I am full up of struggle, ideas, loss, worry, fear, joy, and humour. None of it has hit my blog in a while. I've started to censor myself; thinking my writing is complaining, or that I should just pray, or that maybe I should talk with my man before I plaster it all up on the blog, and then I don't talk to him about it cause that would be a downer... plus I've been too busy to waste time writing. Then again, I haven't been to busy to waste time watching Netflix and surfing around on FB and Instagram. Priorities .... lol

I woke up from a restless night. My sleep was interrupted a couple of times by my boys playing video games; it was a 16th birthday night of gaming. I had to shut that down before I could pass out. I woke up ready to get everyone to church; but as per usual, no one was getting up and ready but me. When the youngest monster finally decided to get up and shower, it was already time to get in the car and drive. So once again, I go to church looking like the bad mother who can't keep her house in order because I don't bring the children for spiritual instruction. I'm grumpy going to church... not a great way to start the morning. I never really go into worship. My mind fixed on missing my partner, my friend, my lover... I wished for him to sit next to me and hold my hand. The sadness of it swept over me and I started crying. Sitting there in my chair, at church, crying because I was alone. No kids, no friend next to me, no lover of my life, just me. I have sat in church alone a lot and never felt like I did today. I am just not having a good morning. After the sermon I went for prayer and felt lifted up and decided to take a drive. I'm out of my shea butter; which if you know anything about me, that is a large problem. That stuff is my magic elixir, it keeps my skin hydrated, my face nearly wrinkle free, my lips soft, and my feet feeling happy. I couldn't believe it when I realized I was actually on empty. So, I decided to drive out to the African market to get some more. After driving the 15km, I get there and they're closed. Not open on Sunday. I didn't even think to phone ahead to see if they would be open. No one is closed on Sunday in the city. Good grief. I decided to head home and stop to get an ink cartridge for my printer on the way. I called the house to make sure I remembered the cartridge type and number, and then proceeded to make my purchase. Once I got home, I ripped open the package only to discover that I had gotten the colour ink and not the black ink. After swearing a few times, I burst into tears. My son came down and sat with me on the couch, rubbing my back. He's a good boy. I was a bit of a mess. A stupid dumb day. Time to go for a walk. There is a massive rant formulating inside of me and I'm afraid that the next person who gets in my way is going to get blasted and they won't know what hit them. My brain has become overwhelmed with the amount of crap that I haven't vocalized or written. Hopefully I won't find a reason to rant while at my parents for dinner tonight. Just keep it together!

I'm so frustrated with my job. I am able to do my work and love on my students and even find joy in the successes and struggles, but then I have to talk to my boss. We just completed an administration evaluation and it was nerve wracking for the whole staff. We have no idea if this outside eval will have any impact or what the board is going to do with the information that they get. However, it ended up being a very satisfying exercise for me. I felt heard and supported; and I was even given some resources to deal the issues in front of me in my current position. I am now applying for a job elsewhere. I've been talking about it for a year and I need to get off my ass and see if I can change my situation. Finding all the documents required and printing out applications, is a pile of paper work that's being added to all the planning, prep, and report writing that I'm already doing. I feel like this process is causing me to think I'm less capable at what I do... I'm not sure why, maybe that's just me.

I am in a bad place financially right now. I am not where I thought I would be three years ago. I had thought I could stop the bleeding, but it just never seems to be enough. Bottom line, expenses don't match my income. There are plenty of things I could blame this on; lack of support from my ex-husband, grown children that don't financially support themselves, high cost of living where I live, legal fees, and plain old over spending. I will have two adult children living with me as of April. One of them has been inconsistent in his ability to pay to live with me. The second one will be coming home and will have student loan debt to start paying off. She will need to find work, save for school, and still help me out by paying rent. Having adult children live at home with you is expensive and challenging in more ways than I can even explain. People want to judge me for not kicking them out, not charging enough in rent, and allowing them to live their life the way they want under my roof. All I can say is, I'm doing my best. I'm trying to help them, and push them, and love them, and hold them accountable, and grow them up; it just doesn't always work the way I had planned. And it doesn't look pretty; I make mistakes and so do they. I wish it didn't cost so much money to help them embrace adulthood. I'm very overwhelmed by it at times and I judge myself too harshly for how its going. I'm so thankful that I have friends and family that support me and show me some grace on this. But it is very clear that something's gotta give. Financially I am spent. My kids are going to have to step up and grow up. And now, I have to talk about my debt with the man I love. I have to reveal that I have not been able to manage my limited funds very well. I'm so embarrassed. This will be one big red flag and could be a reason to not marry me.

Sometimes I actually literally hate that I love someone who lives so far away. It sucks that I am here and he isn't. And I don't even want him here, I want to be there. I want to get out of here so bad and knowing that he has a place for me makes me want to pack up and never return. I spend so much energy trying to include this phantom man into my life so that it doesn't feel like it's all just imaginary. We talk twice a day, send pics and videos, talk on video, send messages throughout the day, and we even have a daily routine of prayer together. But I'm so frustrated at times that it makes me sad and grouchy. Most days I'm fine, busy with my job, kids, church, friends and all the other activities that are right in front of me. But then it feels empty when I watch a movie by myself or take a walk alone. These are all things that I am capable of doing alone and happy to do alone. Even spending time with family and friends, I'm reminded when I see a couple hold hands that he's not here. Because I want to share my life with him, there is a piece of me that is sad. I have always dealt with sadness by getting angry. I know that sounds strange. Anger gives me energy to deal with it somehow or plow through it or turn it into something else. I know that this isn't healthy. It actually physically drains me. Here's the thing... I love him. I've never been more sure, more secure, more ready, and more happy in my life. I am accepted, loved - cherished even - and given freedom. I don't blindly love him either; I see him and he lets me in to his life and heart more and more all the time. I am waiting because as a good mom, I'm staying here for my son, so he can graduate from high school. I often wonder how different his journey into adulthood is going to look compared to his siblings if I leave once he's out of high school. It seems that the reasons for not being together are all wrapped up in my shit.

I am drained and sad. But I know that I will rise out of this, I can do it.
But I will say, I haven't done a very good job of cheering myself up. Good grief... it sucks to be me right now.

I have been watching Youth Alpha with the students on my Spirit Team at school. This past week we looked at the video on prayer. It was excellent. The leaders use an analogy that really stuck with me. There is a boy playing in a sand box. He's digging and digging, when he hits a rock. So, he decides to dig the rock out of the sand, but it turns out it's pretty big. Once he's uncovered the whole rock he tries to lift it out of the sand box but can't do it. His father is watching him from the window and sees how frustrated the boy is with trying to remove the rock from his sand box. The boys father comes outside and the boy turns to him upset and says "I can't get it out of the sandbox. I'm not strong enough." The father looks intently at his son and says "Why didn't you use all your strength to move it out?" The boy goes on to explain all that he'd been doing to get it out, all his efforts, and everything that he tried. The father then looks at him again and says, "You didn't use all your strength, you didn't ask me for help." The lesson was that this is what prayer is about. When I think about the difficulties in my life; job, legal battles, parenting, money, missing my man... I need to remember to ask for help. It's not a reflection of my weakness to seek the assistance of the maker of the universe. That Jesus actually loves me and cares for all those things that I am struggling with, is wonderful. Jesus loves me so much, he'd remove all the rocks from my sandbox, or he'd send people to help me do it, or he'd show me how to use the sandbox with the rock in it.

I trust his heart and his intentions; I trust him completely, I'm listening intently; he's guided me through so many shadows.

Lord, will you help me move this rock? Please don't leave it here anymore. It's really in the way.

Forward Free

Moving forward is an interesting journey. I move far ahead from where I once was and then, find myself confused by steps that take me back to a place that I have no reason spending time in. If someone had told me a decade ago that I would be in the place I am in now, I would have been relieved to know that I would be able to get out and get beyond my abusive marriage. The weird dichotomy is that if you'd told me twenty years ago that I'd be once again unmarried and looking toward a new future, I would have said you were nuts. Twenty years ago I was facing a future that I thought I could handle, planning for more children, finishing school, and buying my first house. Ten years ago I was in a state of panic and stress, trying to find ways to survive my marriage that was literally killing me emotionally. And now... I'm nearly free. A place that at times feels so unfamiliar; a place that I don't always believe is real, and I keep thinking it's all going to melt away. I'm so thankful that I have hope that is renewed every morning whenever I feel like I'm just in a temporarily 'nice' place that I have to leave soon.

I can see clearly now that this stage of relative and controlled chaos is nearly over. There is so much that has been happening, both amazing and difficult, I haven't had time to process it all through my writing. I am set to finish a battle that has taken far to long and will finally end the legal struggle over money and parenting with my ex-husband. I feel confident that I am walking the direction God has planned. I don't know why it has taken this long for this to be settled, even though I've made some guesses; but I am more than ready for the blessing that will come with the resolution that is ahead next week. It is God's outcome, not mine or my ex's, but my Heavenly Father's who loves me unconditionally; I have nothing to fear from man.

I have the blessing of a man in my life who follows hard after Jesus, walking with me through this turning point, and promising to walk the rest of my life's journey by my side. We are creating a relationship built on unconditional love, communication, prayer, common interests, faith, and intense physical, spiritual, and emotional connection. It's absolutely amazing and I've never experienced anything like this before! I love him, and I'm in love with him, and I want everyone to know, and I can't wait to start the rest of my life with him! Yeah... urgh... the difficulty is, we have to wait. I'm here with a child that doesn't graduate for three years; he's in Arizona with a child that doesn't graduate for five years. He's in Arizona, I'm in BC, I only see him about once a month; and my divorce won't be finalized until next week. So, we wait, and continue to build a strong relationship. Amazing and difficult all at the same time.

I have a vision of the future that is so great, I can hardly believe that it's mine. There are times when my emotions are all mixed up. I'm crying and upset, full of anxiety because I just want to be there now. Then the next day, I'm elated because of the plans we're making and the progress of my life and my relationship. I feel sick and panicked when suddenly it seems that it could all be taken from me. I'm often overwhelmed by the physical desire that washes over me and I can't satiate. I'm impatient with the speed of it all. Why do I have to wait!? Why can't I have it now!? I trust Jesus and His intentions, but I'm also frustrated. His timing and His way... I'm reminded that God likes to tell long stories.

This long story's first book is almost over, with a very exciting lead in to the next book in the series. Stay tuned!

Conversations in the Bath

I was going to call this post 'Conversations in the shower' but that wouldn't be accurate, as I often talk to myself in the tub; I have more baths than showers. I could have called this 'Conversations in the Car', but my commute is very short and I carpool, so I tend to not talk to myself or pray in that situation. I suppose I could have even called it 'Conversations on the trail'.... now that you know where I'm going with this, let's get on with it.

I can't remember when it was that I challenged a group of women in my Bible study to spend more time in prayer. I encouraged them to do exactly what 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says; pray without ceasing. The trick to that is recognizing that your inward thoughts and ideas, you know all those things that you say to yourself, are being heard by the living God. If that's true, why not formerly invite him into the conversation. In order to actually do what 1 Thessalonians is asking you to do, you have to be in a constant state of talking to Jesus and inviting him into your inner dialogue. This can seem exhausting or even invasive. I know that at first, it made me feel guilt for every unworthy, disgusting, lustful, angry, anxious, or rude thought that I had... and made me aware of how often I have thoughts that I wish Jesus didn't know about. I even took on the task from 2 Corinthians 5:10 that says to take every thought captive to obey Christ. Let me tell you, that is an impossible task. Well, at least Jesus is the God of the impossible... so maybe it can be done; but certainly not by me.

That challenge has definitely not left me after all these years. I still feel as if I am in constant conversation with Jesus. Forever talking to him in my mind, and then out loud in various settings. Most often, my inner dialogue and prayers become aloud when in the bath, on a walk, or on a long solo drive. I find that speaking, saying it out loud, confirms it. It solidifies my requests, my thoughts, my questions, and my complaints. I learn as I speak aloud in so many situations. I find that in prayer it is the same. When my prayers are spoken, I am then really bringing it to God in a concrete way and begin to be informed as to what His will is. It has been said - God speaks to us: our answers are our prayers.

I find that there are some things I will pray, but not pray aloud. It seems silly, because I know that Jesus hears my thoughts, sees what I imagine, and it is not different to Him if I don't utter them aloud. For me it is different. It's like I'm hiding it, or trying to hide it, if I don't speak it. Speaking it makes it real, makes it something that is out there floating in the physical world and could land on something. I know, I make it sound like words are alive; I think that they are. Words spoken are glorious, lasting imprints of someones soul that float into someone else's senses and can enlighten, lift up, praise, dismantle, tear down or shame. Words spoken in prayer is your soul lifted up to Jesus; and he can handle whatever you say... seriously, whatever you say - or think as it may be. This is a great comfort to me as I have had to tame my speech with others, tone myself down, reign in my ideas and opinions; because otherwise, I find that I have to apologize too often. Jesus is my safe place to be full out Maria, no filter required... He loves me anyway.

More often than not, as I begin to speak and say my prayers aloud, people and situations come to my mind. It is as if by verbalizing, the Holy Spirit guides me to whom to pray for. I love it when someone is constantly on my mind and I find myself in conversation with God about them for a few days or more and then they contact me, or someone tells me about a struggle they're having, or I run into them and they share a prayer request. It's like Jesus was telling me in advance, even if I didn't get the total story when I first started praying for them.

I cannot seem to close this post off with some sort of epiphany. You're just going to be left with the image of me talking to myself as I go about my day. Yes, I'm that bat shit crazy old lady who teaches PE and talks to herself as she walks down the hall, then yells "Give me 50!"

Christmas Break

It's been a very hectic few weeks. Shutting down all of school and getting ready for the break. Why do I think I need to get ready for a break!? That is ridiculous! I cleaned the house twice, bought supplies, filled the fridge and the cupboards, and did the laundry. I wanted to be able to relax. Adulting means that you can't just come home on Christmas Break and it's all done for you; you're the one who has to do it. Anyway, I've done it. To the best of my ability. And those who decide my house isn't up to snuff, well... fuck you. And don't go in my garage... that's a whole other story.

I brought my daughter home from college today. She lit up the house the moment we got home. It has been hard for me with two boys and no man for them to look up to, plus their sister who holds them together, gone away at school. It seemed as if we lost our way for a bit. I am thankful today for all three of  my children. It warmed my heart as I heard them in the kitchen talking and laughing together. A familiar sound and so glad that they have each other.

Tomorrow I pick up my man from the airport and he gets to have a taste of  my world. I'm so excited to have him here to meet all the important people in my life and most importantly, spend time with him. I just want to escape with him and leave this world behind... but I know that realistically, we both need to be in the muck and still find the passion and the excitement. I want that more than anything. I want he and I to face the messy stuff of life with prayer and a smile. We both know that these momentary troubles will pass. Another test that I'm not intentionally planning but is in motion none the less.

It feels so good to be walking in God's plan. His will fully being laid out for me.

Christmas Break is here and I am ready to settle in and enjoy.

One Word 2017

Peace ... from Warrior to Peace. I do not feel that my warrior phase is over. I still have battles to fight and one big one in particular. Like all the words I've chosen for the years in the past, they seem to define the journey that is ahead, not always in the present, but what I'm seeking to make happen for the future. Wow... did I just say that? What I'm seeking to make happen... that may very well be the problem with every word choice that I've ever made over the years. My motives are my own and not His.

James 4:13-17

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

I remember asking for peace, begging for peace in the past. I don't think I knew what that was supposed to look like. I often thought I had no peace; yet I had peace in the midst of difficulty, love in the midst of disdain and abuse, joy from within that I could not keep to myself, and hope, yes even hope when I was inwardly hopeless. Jesus' words are ringing true in my ears.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you: not as the world gives, give I to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

These things I have spoken to you, that in me you might have peace. In the world you shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. John 16:33

2017 must have that kind of peace. Peace that is a gift, a gift to me in the midst of struggle and hard work. Peace that turns into joy oozing out of my pores and bringing everyone around me along for the ride. The peace that Jesus brings to me I need to share with my children, my family, my friends, and my lover and his family. The peace that Jesus has promised me is confirmed by His Holy Spirit that gives me courage to face my fears. I do not need to be afraid since His plans are for my good. His overwhelming love envelopes my life.

My prayer is this; that the Lord would inform my plans and shape them, guiding my steps to go where He wants me to. Bring peace where there should be none, resolution that is humanly impossible, and wisdom to see when I am trying to take back the reigns. May I walk in the will of the most Holy, loving, one and only creator God. In Jesus name, amen.

I have compiled a list of some scriptures and it seems appropriate to list them; a list that can be added to throughout the year.

... do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also you are called in one body; and be you thankful. Colossians 3:15

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you: because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3

For he himself is our peace… Ephesians 2:14

Cleaning up

I have been in my garage lately; looking for photos, getting out Christmas decorations, and looking for winter gear. It has made me feel terrible going in there. My garage is full. There are five bikes, old luggage, boxed up photos, camping equipment, deck furniture, house decor, junk, old sports equipment, packaged up memories and a ton of car parts. I have to clean it up and get it out.

I feel like it is a reflection of the mess that I was supposed to have left behind three years ago. I want to reduce all my stuff and yet I have it boxed up and shoved into a garage. Why? Why am I hanging on to all of that stuff? Yes, when I go looking for something, I go in there and find it. But there is a whole bunch other stuff in there that I will never look for nor do I need. The boxes of memorabilia and photos aside, there is old junk in there that just has to go. A plan is formulating and I am going to finally be rid of it and rid of the past. This also means that I need to go through the memories and decide, how much of it is worth keeping?

All three of my children need to keep some of those memories and pictures of the past. There are reminders of their youth and of the happy times. Knowing that there was joy in the past and goodness within the mess is going to give them a foundation for building a better future. They have stuff in there that needs their attention, things that they need to decide whether they keep or let go. As the years move forward, my children are going to be leaving and starting lives of their own. My oldest should already be doing that, but he's stuck in limbo and all the stuff he has in the garage and in his room, is a reflection of how much that is true. That messy garage is as much an image of my muddled past as it is there's. We will get through all that mess and mud together and start the next chapter without carrying it around any longer.

The garage is slated to be emptied this spring and summer. The plan is now in the books. And when I plan something, it always happens.

Spiritual Relief

“Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;

  be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;

for you will forget the shame of your youth,

  and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.

5 For your Maker is your husband,

  the Lord of hosts is his name;

and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,

  the God of the whole earth he is called.

6 For the Lord has called you

  like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,

like a wife of youth when she is cast off,

  says your God.

7 For a brief moment I deserted you,

  but with great compassion I will gather you.

8 In overflowing anger for a moment

  I hid my face from you,

but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,”

  says the Lord, your Redeemer.

Isaiah 54:4-8

In my Bible this passage has dates beside it; 2010, 2014... and verse 6 is heavily underlined '... like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit...' I checked an older Bible of mine, and the dates go back even further 2001, 2004, and so on. I lived in a spiritual desert for more than twenty years. My Father in heaven was so dear to me, he kept me and grew me. I was given purposes in my children, in my work, in friendships, and in leadership. His compassion on me was that He did not leave me to walk through that desert alone; I was surrounded by the church and my family. Yet, the spiritual burden still felt heavy, it became my cross to bear. It felt as if I had to be a spiritual giant; even once my marriage ended, I have still carried this burden of spiritually leading and guiding my family. It's not been easy and I honestly never wanted the job all alone. I work so much better in tandem with someone else. I was never meant to be alone in leadership. Even in my work and coaching life, I have done so much better with strong, wise, willing partners who support me, whom I support; and we carry the load and work together.

God made me to be an encouraging partner that will work along side and lift up strong leaders who recognize they need a solid supporter. I don't come across that way I guess. I'm too strong maybe or too opinionated; but I will follow and support you when you prove to be someone of substance and character. I will follow someone who recognizes my wisdom and gifts; someone who puts me in their place and trusts I'll do it well when they can't; someone who listens to what I say, seeks my perspective, and allows me to be in charge of what they are not as capable of doing as well as myself. I want to do the same thing for others. I have worked with, taught with, coached with, and been friends with people that have been that in my life. It was always like an oasis of beauty; of how it can be when mutual respect is given.

Seeking a new partner in life, a new husband, has included that I need someone with whom I can trust, someone who I can follow and walk beside without fear. I am overwhelmed with the gift of God in the man that He has given to me. I'm not sure I can describe the spiritual relief that is starting to rise in my soul. My cross to bear... I think I can lay it down. I never imagined that I would be able to lay it down until I was with Jesus in paradise. I have tested him... yeah, I have. I have found ways to see if he relies on Jesus or if it's just words. I have heard his testimony, his ideas about spiritual issues, his struggles with his own past marital desert; I have pushed on topics and he's responded with scripture and gentle wisdom. He has pointed me back to prayer, God's word, the power of the Holy Spirit, and involvement in my church. He has sought my perspective and listened to my thoughts, considering what I say. He has prayed with me... prayers that are full of what God would have him say. His words are often soaked in scripture. He leads his children. He makes all decisions with prayer and sleep... which I think is pretty important; don't be too hasty - like I tend to be. He has calmed me with his trust in God's plan when I express doubt or fear. I have tested him... even when I didn't intend to.

This morning I called because I was frustrated with myself. I miss him and had a restless night, waking up repeatedly longing for him to be here. I had little to say in my own prayers for some semblance of self control and peace. Then Jesus said, 'call him to help you'. I did and I prayed, but it was short as I had no words; my emotions were taking over and I could hardly keep from crying. So, when my weak prayer ended, I asked him to pray for me. It was amazing. I couldn't have prayed for myself the way he prayed and lifted me up, lifted us both up. He is my partner. He is the relief in a spiritual desert; the oasis from God until I am home.

Thank you Jesus!

Thank you...

I don't want half

I went to a concert with my future husband two weeks ago. I think he noticed that I cried during a song that I'd never heard before. It was as if they were singing this song to me... she was looking right in my eyes. Even thinking about it now, I still get a lump in my throat and my eyes are brimming with tears.

I've been hurt. I act tough and I know how to pull through. I lean on my faith and trust that Jesus has me, right in his arms where I'm safe... despite what it sometimes looks like in my reality. I embrace my life with the joy that comes from within. My lover has seen through my tough exterior... I'm glad... but now I'm also exposed. I am vulnerable more than I was a month ago... I want to be and yet it is such a difficult place to live. So honey... be gentle with me.

... I'm just trying to make a happy life.... and I can't do it alone... don't you want to hold me close, let me be the thing you want the most.... I don't want to ask for much, just your simple truthful touch.... so please be truthful with me, that's all I want and need.... If I wanted all of you, would that be too much to ask.... I could take it all back, but I don't want too.... I don't want half and I shouldn't have to ask for that... it's all or nothing in fact, and I don't want half...

These words from the Paper Bird song when I heard them that night... were the words of my man being sung to me, by people that had no idea of their impact. It was amazing... as if planned for me to hear and absorb deep into my heart. The song seems to address my past and my future in ways that are, in my opinion, not an accident.

... so take the money, take the feeling, take this poison, take back your name.... and come the night time, take your things out of the closet, here's your ring.... take my heart up off the floor and onto a shelf forever more.... cause I don't want it, I don't want it not with your footprints upon it.... I don't want it, I don't want it not with your footprints upon it... I don't want it!

That's the part that made me cry... I didn't want my heart the way it was... it took two years to recover... and I wonder if I'm there yet... I so desperately want to keep my heart off that shelf. I don't want it to have visible footprints on it that seep sadness, bitterness, and fear into my future. I am praying that Jesus has healed me... is it wrong to want, to think, that my lover could heal me? Or help to heal me? Could I help to heal him? Is that not what we are meant to do for one another?

The farther I go down this path of intentionally being with this man and planning for a future, the more potential I see and yet there is more opportunity for failure. This is the road the path of love is taking me down. I have found my partner, and now the work begins.

.... I just want to make the happy life I've been waiting for so long... so would you please, be careful with me, wide open and free.... be the kind of man you've been to afraid to be...

I won't give half... in fact, I will give all of me.

I don't want half - Paper Bird

My Burden

Every time...

It seems there is not a time that I'm not moved to tears after talking to my kids about their visits with their dad. They find solace in each other by making jokes and I cringe a little. I ask them to somehow show honour and respect. It is, at this point in their journey, a futile request.

I'm at a loss... my burden is this; I chose an emotionally stunted, abusive, self centered, sociopath as the father of my children. At twenty one, I did not realize I had done that. I ask myself sometimes, did I know with the second child? Did I know with the third? Women are often criticized for having children with abusive men; and for continuing to have more children with them once they have been exposed to the abuses. When I was still married, he would often blame all his troubles on our unplanned pregnancy. I dismissed this claim. How could year after year that 'mistake' be the reason for every other difficulty or set back? My son was not a mistake. I had moved on; worked and succeeded, finished school, grown in so many ways. Why was he so stuck? When my daughter came along, I planned her and was excited about the next phase as a married woman. I had my degree, I owned a house, I had a station wagon, I volunteered, I worked part time. Within six months of her birth, I had packed up quickly and taken a bus with my kids to run away, only to return in two weeks. Sometimes, I still wonder why I came back. I was still afraid. He was still mad. When my youngest son was born, it had been a good time... everything seemed to be going so much better. After his birth, I knew I would never have another child with this man. Thankfully, my doctor gave me the medical reason I needed to stop having more children. I knew that I had to stand in what I had, that I was in a dangerous place, that I had to shore up my resources and survive for my kids. I stayed home from work after that. I couldn't be divided, my home had to be my focus. My Jesus, my church, and my home. In the crucible of those terrible years, I came to know Jesus and the Word of God like I'd never known them before. The beauty that came out of the fire were my children, the growth in my faith, and my knowledge of the Word.

When it all finally ended three years ago, I thought my burden was gone; but now I wonder if it will ever leave. Every time my children spend time with their dad, there is fall out. They come home either agitated or despondent. The conversations that my children have about their father is a mixture of anger and crass humour. I rarely see the sadness that lies beneath. Their tears seem to be gone or deep under a pile of bitterness. They lack all respect for this man who helped bring them here and it is hard to listen to at times. I find myself pulled into the discussion to either explain or show empathy for what they are experiencing. I have shared all of it with them; they know about my struggle to obtain child support, the affairs, and even some of the little details. I am afraid that I have crossed the line, gone too far in my empathy, said too much to help them understand, and only encouraged rage and bitterness. I wonder if I have been harbouring bitterness in the disguise of seeking justice? I wonder if this has seeped into them?

It's finished. The bitterness must stop here. The anger has to be released for the sadness to finally be let out. I have to change the dialogue. All I can do is guide them, set a new standard, start over. My burden is not that I married him, it is that I too have to let Jesus take this and redeem it. Daily giving Him every piece, every memory, every inch of bitterness that the devil wants to sow in my heart. It must go to the cross. When my children come to me, I need to first pray and find a new pattern. I can't change their situation, but I hope I can guide them to change how they handle it. Find boundaries where there were none, find peace where it is lacking, find joy where bitterness was taking root.

I just feel no resolution on this matter... it is frustrating to come to the end of writing and still feel unsettled.

UPDATE!
Meeting with my sons and a phone call with my daughter.... feeling peace from the confirmation of wise friends and family who have helped to point me in the right direction. Feeling the love and support from my man... he is so wise and trusts in the Lord. Prayers have settled my spirit. I'm so glad I listened to the Holy Spirits whispers....

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

... bitterness... ?

It's always a song that brings resolution to my heart.

Let it happen

You're full of life.... now
You're full of passion
That's how He made you
Just let it happen

And He calls each one of us
By our names, to come away
And He whispers to your heart
To let it go and be a light.

Be a light
Come alive

So take me back, back to the beginning
When I was young
Running through the fields with You

I've never heard this song before. I am questioning it's biblical correctness, yet I am drawn to what it is telling me. Has God made me full of passion? What passions in me are blessed by Jesus? I have passions that have been sullied by my sin. Does God still see those passions in me and say they are good? Ambition, competitive spirit, pursuing excellence, sexual intimacy, seeking knowledge and wisdom; I've messed them all up in some way... He made me this way... hmmmm.
I want to embrace that, fully blessed in it, fully washed in the blood as I let my passions come out.

What am I letting happen? I want to let Jesus heal, change, grow, convict, and fill me. Let that happen... please Lord.
I have been harbouring bitterness in the disguise of seeking justice.
It's time to let it go...

You have whispered to my heart. I have heard you. I have to let it go.

I'm not sure anymore about going to court. I'm not sure about seeking more. It needs to be finished.

I trust you Jesus.

A song...

No one ever held you

No single moment of truth

But if you were mine

I would've looked into those eyes

And said,

Tell me the words you long to hear

And I'll sing them loud and clear

Let me heal the wounds you've held on to for all these years

Break the cycle

Break the chains

'Cause love is louder than all your pain

Than all your pain

Break the Cycle you+me

In the wind...

"The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit." - John 3:8

The movement of the Spirit is like the wind... to bring salvation... to bring change in your heart... does the Spirit only move to bring salvation? Can I take this out of context and use it for any movement of the Spirit in your life, in my life... in anything? Because I want to do that... I've never allowed the Holy Spirit to be the wind in my relationships with men. Not ever. Which is pretty bad. I don't think that I've relied on the Holy Spirit to move or do anything when I'm dealing with romance. I didn't even ask or listen when choosing my first husband. Instead, I've made decisions and then asked for the Spirit to move... not really very smart. In my defense, I don't think that I've actually been conscientiously aware of the order in which I'm asking for the assistance of God, the presence of Jesus, and the movement of the Spirit. I don't know if that's any better. Overall, I have tended to make decisions then ask for God's blessing... which is generally ass-backwards. The times that I have prayed for direction and then acted, have been so amazing that I really should only do it that way.

So after my last dating relationship ended...  I lifted up my prayers for what I wanted in a man, in a husband, to God. I wanted Jesus to know what I wanted. I said it all out loud as I was walking, not because I had to in order for God to hear it, but because I needed to know that I had definitely done it. I laid it all out there and I was picky. I was asking for the Spirit to bring someone to me because I was impatient and frustrated. Once I was done, I felt better... and then went home and signed up for Christian Mingle. LOL Let's face it, I didn't expect God to drop my husband out of the sky! Six months... if this doesn't work after six months, I'm off and will try something else. All those other stupid free apps were filled with junk men and I was done playing around. I also realized that I wanted a man who loves Jesus. I had thought I could just not worry about that; I figured I don't need a man to increase my faith or improve my walk with Jesus. But I actually do want someone to challenge me, walk with me in it, open my eyes to something I didn't see, and point me to Jesus when I'm not focused on him. Anyway, I joined October 9th, on a Sunday evening.

Now, just three weeks later, I'm falling in love. It makes no sense and lacks any logical pinning. At the beginning I even noted that it was ill advised because... he's in Arizona. Yeah... God has a sense of humour. I'm impatient, so Jesus sends me my man, but then says, sorry, you still have to wait... he's in Arizona. Urgh... BAHAHABAH!! My usual plan of meeting right away to avoid false intimacy through online chatting... well that is way gone! What I'm learning through this, is that getting to know him and communicating with him without the physical is just what I needed. We are meeting... but that can't happen right away so we've had all this time to get to know each other, online and on the phone. By the time I meet him, see him in the flesh, hold his hand, and give him a kiss... it'll have been four weeks... but it feels like longer... and not in a bad way. Long distance relationships are hard, but we haven't even seen each other in the flesh... we're starting like this... I feel like this is unprecedented. I should do some research on that... lol

Despite it's illogical beginning and the distance we are dealing with... it's pretty cool!! I'm very happy with all the things that keep falling into place. He's like comfort food, comfy clothes, a warm drink on a cold night, and a movie I love to watch over and over.... and yet there is anticipation and a little fear of what's ahead... such a wonderful mix of bliss and tension... its passionate before I've come into contact with him and comfortable before history has created a rhythm. It's in the wind... that's the only way to explain it. I've been trying to put it into words for over a week, and I can't.

"The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear it's sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes." John 3:8

As I already said, I know that in context this is talking about how the Spirit moves to change a heart, how being born again happens; but I don't think I am out of line to extrapolate that the Spirit works that way in other areas. This is how I am currently understanding how I'm falling in love... the wind is blowing... and I'm allowing it to pick me up and take me where it wants me to go. I am allowing the Spirit, Jesus, to direct my feelings for him. Just when I want to pull back or guard my heart, the Spirit moves again. I'm given an open path and his strength, gentleness, understanding, trust, familiarity, vulnerability, and direction leads me where the wind is blowing... straight into his arms. I keep praying it will never stop.

Allowing the Spirit to lead this is proving to be super challenging and is forcing me to give God control of my desire for sexual connection. Part of that is being done because he's not here, and I am learning about him and falling in love with him without being able to express any of that through physical touch. I never would have thought that I needed to do that, but I did. I'm learning to lean into God on this because I have to. I was wrestling with God once we agreed to meet because I had heard from Jesus that I had to wait to have sex with him. I was distraught... I tried to ignore the Spirits voice... but God was persistent with me. Jesus didn't demand this of me but gently asked me to trust him. And then he warned me... if you do this your way, you'll lose him. I was so mad at God for telling me that. I begged him to not do that! What if I mess up? What if I can't do it? Please don't take him from me because I'm weak! It's not fair! I've relented to the wind however, and the moment I did, I was released from the pressure and torment that had been building up. I'm no longer worried about messing it up, because God is gracious to me and wants to give me good things. I still want to have him now, to give all of me to him now, but I'm going to follow what Jesus is asking me to do and wait.

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,

    by the gazelles or the does of the field,

that you not stir up or awaken love

    until it pleases.

Song of Solomon 2:7

There are at least three other times in the Song of Solomon where it says that. I have spent some time reading the Song of Solomon and it's beautiful. The story of how love unfolds, of how it pleases God... it's so cool that that's in the Bible. I want to awaken love when it pleases God. In chapter 8, you see how this happens. It seems, that a seal on your heart, a seal on your arm, put there by your lover, put there by God, is what awakens it. When love finally pleases, it is as strong as death, it is a passionate jealous fire that cannot be quenched or bought with money. I'm a bit unorthodox when I say that I don't think that means marriage as we understand it in our culture. I do believe that even in this broken world where sex and marriage have not gone hand in hand, and even in my own sexual brokenness, God has not changed his mind. He still desires for one man and one woman to be united, to know each other, and only each other, until death. I don't want to give away that part of me to anyone anymore unless he is my husband. That being said, and I have some trepidation in saying this, this man from Arizona, he is my husband. He has said it to me... he has placed the seal on my heart and on my arm. I believe him. Time and distance and circumstance and legalities will most likely keep us from that for longer than either of us wants.  I don't know how long I will have to wait... and I know that the next time I see him after our first meeting, I will hear Jesus speak to me about this again. I anticipate an awakening of love and I am praying for it.

I am falling in love... and I pray for the strength to follow the wind of the Spirit.

Avant-garde Love

How can anyone find their lover, the person they want to spend the rest of their life with via the internet or an app? Seriously, there is no way that actually works.

Statistics show that one third of American marriages were the result of online dating. That was from 2013. 40 million Americans use online dating services. A 2011 Leger Marketing survey found 36 per cent of Canadians between the ages of 18 and 34 use online dating; that's 14.2 million singles in 2014 according to stats Canada. Something is going on, and yet I didn't believe it actually worked. It's phenomenon that I had little belief in even though I know four couples who have met online and then got married. The statistics are not fake, the numbers don't lie, but I hadn't the faintest idea of how it was possible.

I have been just like many and put it down, called it ridiculous, and even said that I would never.... well... I have, I am, and it's working... crazy. This so called avant-garde love is really just old fashioned letter writing and long distance romance on steroids. Communication taken to a whole new level.

I'm jumping in with two feet... haven't landed yet... I'm still floating, taken up in the wind... and it's intoxicating.